DH is becoming a grumpy old man who tells us all off all the time...what to do?

[placebytheriver]

Namechanged.

Marriage hasn't been in the best of places for a while. I have been putting a lot of this down to the usual midlife stresses - teenagers, elderly parents, financial strain, career stuff, blah blah. DH and I have talked about this and acknowledged that it's not great - we have been trying to make things work, appreciate each other etc...

That's the intention, anyway. Trouble is, DH has SUCH a short fuse - it feels like all good intentions to try to improve things between us go out the window over the slightest thing.

We have four teenagers and the slightest 'mistake' any of them make leads him to lose his temper. Of course kids can be annoying, but they are generally really lovely, well-behaved young people. What's just as bad is that he will berate me for every little thing too - how I load the dishwasher blah blah - just petty, boring stuff. I try to avoid nitpicking over dull domestic shit, but if I retaliate, I am 'so critical' - which is super f-ing rich given he's the one that huffs around the house telling everyone off the whole time.

He recently went away for work and the whole house felt calmer and more relaxed. Since he's back I can literally feel my blood pressure going up.

Has anyone experienced similar and what improved things? At this rate, I am not sure I want to spend the second half of my life with him...

Is his df the same? Call him by df's name and refuse to sleep with him. Tell him being married to a miserable old git is making you depressed.

Focus solely on the damage this will be doing to your kids who have no choice in being exposed to the man's abuse. Flooding a developing brain with cortisol will leave them with a variety of lifelong issues- I speak from experience.
They're being taught to pander to their abuser, that males are angry and must be appeased and tiptoed around. You're correct in saying they won't want to be around either of you as soon as they can escape this miserable house.

Choose freedom and happiness, and get your kids into therapy.

Goodness me, this response is err well quite a lot!

I could have written this too. Thank you op for writing this so articulately.
Sorry I can't offer advice but can sympathise and let you know you are not alone in such circumstances.

Easy to say he's worried about the relationship. Actually doing something about it requires more effort - which he's not making.

Suggest you tell him that as things are getting worse, marriage counselling is the next step.

@AttilaTheMeerkat - thanks for the advice - I will look at the DARVO technique. I know there's masses here that's extremely problematic. But I could do without the doom laden words about my kids, and the suggestion this could tip into domestic violence please - it's only making me feel worse.

to all saying 'issue an ultimatum' etc - like I said, we've spoken about it. We've been together for over two decades and, until a few years ago (when we had a lot of life stress) I would say our marriage was broadly good and happy. I want to try to make it work, if possible.

It may be that it doesn't work, which would be incredibly sad - but I wonder if anyone has experienced similar, and come back from it?

Oh dear ...
A short fuse he's got, does he?
Maybe he could take himself and his short fuse elsewhere to live.
Bastard.
Sorry.

Has he had a medical check up with the doctor recently? If his behaviour has changed as he's aged, conditions like diabetes can cause a real difference in mood and outlook.

DH was like this, and I counted 17 negative comments in a row - it was absolutely draining and he just couldn't see it, it got to the point where I said he was clearly miserable and so what was the point in staying together as a family.

Unfortunately it was something very serious and medical in our case, but there is absolutely no reason to live miserably.

Oh my God at men who won't consider therapy. Who won't even try it. So boring.

One if the many nice things about my brother is that eventually (aged late 50s I think) he had some sessions for a particular problem. It was an absolute revolution. He has a remarkably well-managed ego (religious all his life, it can actually help).

Try zooming in on a specific problem. I sometimes think men will consider therapy for something specific. If he will occasionally admit that he flies off the handle very fast, would he consider 1:1 anger management for example? Then pass him details of a large therapy practice with several experienced male therapists, and hope for the best.

If no joy in about 2 months in terms of him taking action, then yes I would consider a separation at least.

You say he won't go to therapy on his own, but would he consider couples counselling @placebytheriver? It sounds like most of your problems are around communication, a good counsellor can definitely help you improve those.

I am not in the business of making people feel worse and doubtless you feel bad enough already but your husband is the root cause of your family’s unhappiness.

You are describing domestic abuse, your husband does not treat people on the outside or his work colleagues like described does he. Divorce is not failure here op and you do have a choice re this man, they do not. This is fact.

You trying and ultimately failing to make this work because he will not meet you half way will emotionally destroy you. He is dragging you and your kids down with him. Where is your line in the sand re him?

Constant criticism easily slips into contempt, and if you believe John Goffman, then into a marriage disintegrating. He doesn't seem like he likes any of you- how is that going to work for another 40 years?

Be clear- I'm not going to continue like this. If you carry on criticising me, the children and acting like this, I'm not going to stay. I can't live like this and it's making me very unhappy. You didn't used to be this bad. Either go to the doctors and check if you are depressed, go to therapy or we can go to couples counselling.

It is not worth sacrificing the relationship with your children for him, it isn't. When my dad left, going home became a lot more enjoyable and calm, no eggshells, no moods, no atmosphere. I am very happy my parents split up when I was in my early twenties.

OP my DH has been through a difficult few years and it has caused depression. Unlike the image many of us have of depressed people being quiet or crying, he expresses it as anger and an increased need for control over small things (such as your DH telling you how to load the dishwasher).

A couple of things that work for me…

1. Don’t go tit for tat - it will only escalate the situation and intensify feelings for both of you.
2. Stop the behaviour in the moment but wait until the emotion has gone out of the situation to address it. “Go and watch TV. You can load the dishwasher any way you want when it’s your turn”. Then a bit later, “You know I know how to load the dishwasher, don’t you? Leave me to it and stop sweating the small stuff. The constant nit picking is creating more problems not less”. If he is in emotional overload, a practical rather than emotional response from you could get better results. He may just not have the bandwidth to take your feelings on board.
3. Humour. Can you jolly/tease him out of his nit picking?
4. Give him control (over things you don’t care about). For example, if I’ve cooked a curry, I’ll ask DH if he wants naan or chapattis with it. I couldn’t care less either way, but if the depression has taken hold he’ll give it a lot of thought before pronouncing a VERY IMPORTANT decision 😂 If he’s in a balanced mood he just tells me he doesn’t mind. Giving him that one decision to make seems to satisfy the need and stop him from becoming involved in anything else.

It is hard to bite your tongue but pragmatically speaking, I’ve found this is the quickest and most effective way of defusing and resolving the situations. Knowing your husband is one thing. You need to get to know your depressed husband too. They are two different men.

The fact too that everyone is this household is happier when he’s not around is also very telling.

You think a log book of misdemeanours is the way to happy marriage?

I feel sick at the thought of somebody being treated in that way.

A short fuse can be a symptom, so he needs to get checked out by the GP.

This sounds awful OP. I don't say this lightly but I couldn't live like this.

Could you talk to him openly and calmly about it?

However, in day to day life it seems to play out as 'DH gets to be grumpy and critical, but I am not allowed'.

This worries me. It sounds as if he won’t acknowledge the double standard, and instead is making himself into the victim of your cruelty (in telling him the effects of his behaviour and thus making him feel bad) or your/your kids’ insufferable behaviour. In this way his behaviour is reasonable and it’s the rest of you who are at fault. This is a classic abusers’ tactic, and it keeps the victims on eggshells while allowing the abuser to continue the behaviour.

and the eggshells will never go away. However considerate you all are, however impeccable your behaviour, it will never be enough. You might not even know what you’ve done, but you’ll know you’ve done something.

If your H agrees to see a therapist and takes concrete steps to address this issue, I take it all back. Otherwise this sounds to me like a bully, an abuser, who is behaving like this because he can, because he wants you all dancing to his tune.

bloody brilliant idea! Love it

I was in this very situation. We got divorced and both households are now very happy and everyone gets on now that we can do our own thing. I'm honestly not sure it's worth spending the one life you've got 'putting up' with things when you can both be far happier.

Really? Would you want somebody doing this to you?

If you are not happy, you are not happy! It's as simple as that.

Talk to him, he needs to see what's going on, and be willing to face it.

Decide what would make you happy and move towards that. XXXX

Please don't do the book. It's a terrible idea.

Talk to him about it!

This might be the WORST idea I have ever heard. You can seriously not tell me you are doing this!? Absolutely horrible. If my DH did this I would assume he was mentally ill.