DH is becoming a grumpy old man who tells us all off all the time...what to do?

[placebytheriver]

Namechanged.

Marriage hasn't been in the best of places for a while. I have been putting a lot of this down to the usual midlife stresses - teenagers, elderly parents, financial strain, career stuff, blah blah. DH and I have talked about this and acknowledged that it's not great - we have been trying to make things work, appreciate each other etc...

That's the intention, anyway. Trouble is, DH has SUCH a short fuse - it feels like all good intentions to try to improve things between us go out the window over the slightest thing.

We have four teenagers and the slightest 'mistake' any of them make leads him to lose his temper. Of course kids can be annoying, but they are generally really lovely, well-behaved young people. What's just as bad is that he will berate me for every little thing too - how I load the dishwasher blah blah - just petty, boring stuff. I try to avoid nitpicking over dull domestic shit, but if I retaliate, I am 'so critical' - which is super f-ing rich given he's the one that huffs around the house telling everyone off the whole time.

He recently went away for work and the whole house felt calmer and more relaxed. Since he's back I can literally feel my blood pressure going up.

Has anyone experienced similar and what improved things? At this rate, I am not sure I want to spend the second half of my life with him...

I would speak to him directly that the only time he seems happy is when he's doing things without the family and he is constantly nitpicking at the DC destroying their self worth. You and the DC all felt happier when he wasn't there so you would like him to move out and spend some time deciding what he really wants because at the moment is behaviour has not been matching his previous words..

My OH is just like this and has been for years despite my instance that he seek counselling instead of making us walk on eggshells and making our home a hostile and very unpleasant place to live. It’s no environment for children to have to grow up in and personally I’m making plans to leave him ASAP. I don’t have any advice but you have my sympathies and best wishes.

I was thinking this

Well no, presumably you talk before you suggest health checks? Or else how do you get the health checks sorted?

I suggest a calm conversation- letting him talk as well. You could suggest health checks if he is also uncomfortable about his behaviour and realises that's it's wrong

I think it needs a big talk, on a calm moment when the kids aren't there, to position it to him from a place of concern- for him, for yourself, and the kids. A 'are you okay, because I know things have been tough but you just don't seem happy' at the start of a conversation can give you the best chance of him not going on the defence straight away - kill him with kindness first before you go into how unhappy you and the kids are. The note about how much happier the house was when he was away needs to be revisited, but you can position it from a place of 'I'm worried about how much happier me and the kids were, so it told me that we need to do something on this issue specifically together - what can we do as a team to try and maintain a positive environment - why don't we do some research or maybe try some counselling'
Because ultimately, any decent man would respond to the person they love coming to them from a place of concern for their and their kids wellbeing telling them this, when it's already been a discussion point, with wanting to fix it. He needs to be reminded that you are a team, it's not him vs you. Really feel for you, I grew up in an environment like this and honestly, it casts such a shadow over my childhood.

But you don’t feel sick at the thought of the rest of the family being shouted at and criticised for every slight perceived misdemeanour? The op is trying very hard to hold her unhappy family together when her h is refusing to modify his behaviour or agree to counselling and is grasping at any straws.

What a rubbish idea - be prepared for him and the children too to have a litany of complaints in relation to you

Yeah, this is a shocking idea that's borderline bullying and teaches kids that passive aggressive bullshit to survive being verbally abused is normal.

I do think though that your own book where you keep a note of incidents is a good idea. Sometimes it's hard to look at our lives objectively. We tend to spin a narrative that fits the current moment, and can end up justifying stuff we would never in our more sober moments justify. There's nothing like looking at a long log that reads "Monday 22nd July, H called me a fucking bitch and shouted at me because he didn't like the sausages" or whatever to clear your head when it's decision time.

And a good number of posters, whilst not foaming at the mouth, think the idea borderline batshit

Simple question (no not my usual one) Does he behave like this at work or to his friends? Because if he doesn't then he can control his behaviour and should be doing the same around his family.

OP mentioned that he refused to go to a therapist or GP but this sounds related to mental health as opposed to general health. Perhaps a check-up is in order.

Also, it's v.important to understand work situation as that is where we are all day - so if that is troubled we can bring the stress home and that can present as foul behaviour and a short fuse

Which is perfectly fine on a forum intended for people to share different views and options. What is batshit, is when posters berate other posters simply for sharing their own views and suggestions in a respectful way.

So you saying to another poster "Get a grip! All your posts are ridiculous" is sharin g your views and suggestions in a respectful way 🤣. Love it!

Can you not record him on your phone when he starts listing everyone's ' faults', then play it back to him when he denies saying it? Hard for him to wriggle out of it.

They berated me for agreeing with another poster who shared their views in good faith. I responded to their unpleasantness. As I am to yours.

It may well be unsafe for the OP to do this Alleycat; I would imagine that such a man like the OPs H will not take kindly to being at all recorded and as such it could put the OP in harms way.

I have no advice but I'm following because it's like I'm looking in a mirror, I wondered if I posted this yesterday in my sleep!
ETA: EXECPT for the kida part, they arw still small and H is not like that to them (I do wonder when they will be teens though.... another reason I would like to see people's advice on this).
Good luck OP

All men get miserable, boring fuckers as they get older

I read it as a book of their complaints about DH’s comments.

Either way it’s a chilling thought that somebody would do this.

Honestly, every group of women I go out with, moan about how boring their husbands are. Even the really nice ones.

Mate, this is it.

You grabbed hold of your issues/problems and tried to get help for yourself (and thus for your kids) and did it until it worked. Like a proper adult who gives a shit.

He won't do this. Conversation finished. He's not bothered. He's not going to get bothered enough. He thinks he's fine really. You're all wrong. There's no point talking about it.

He literally doesn't care even if he pretends a bit to sound normal in discussion.

I grew up with a mother like this and it was extremely hard. When I read your post about insisting on making elaborate meals and complaining no one is grateful enough it really took me back - she was exactly like this with extremely high standards for everything that no one else shared but she expected everyone to adhere to.

I’ve since learned that she was very depressed during this time of her life, which she didn’t realise at the time either. She has since been medicated and is a different woman. She’s apologised for her behaviour during this time and we have a nice relationship in spite of it now. Maybe your husband should speak to his GP?

From Lundy Bancroft's book Why does he do that:

Abusive behavior can seem senseless or random to the victim, who is unable to predict the abuser’s moods or what might set him off from day to day. According to Bancroft, this is a tactic abusers employ deliberately. The more time a victim has to spend thinking about what the abuser might do, the more control he has over her life.

The unpredictability of an abuser’s behavior may lead a victim to become hypervigilant, constantly on the lookout for subtle changes in the abuser’s mood so that she can try to appease him and avoid a violent outburst. Not only does this rarely work, but it also places the victim in a permanent and exhausting state of anxiety, a “survival mode” that sees any potential conflict as a threat. As a result, many victims become people-pleasers in their future relationships. Having been conditioned to suppress their own needs and to fear even minor disagreement, victims may struggle to honestly communicate what they feel to a non-abusive partner.)

This man is abusive and abusing you all. I agree with everything @AttilaTheMeerkat has said. And no, counselling isn't recommended with an abuser. Sounds like he's always been short tempered and hard work, but as the dc grow up it's becoming more apparent because he is losing control over them. DC who grow up in homes like this are desperate to move out and aren't eager to come back often. You are risking your own relationships with the dc because you are enabling the abuse.

My message above at 13:10 is why I think keeping notes and looking for patterns is a good tool to use.