DH is becoming a grumpy old man who tells us all off all the time...what to do?

[placebytheriver]

Namechanged.

Marriage hasn't been in the best of places for a while. I have been putting a lot of this down to the usual midlife stresses - teenagers, elderly parents, financial strain, career stuff, blah blah. DH and I have talked about this and acknowledged that it's not great - we have been trying to make things work, appreciate each other etc...

That's the intention, anyway. Trouble is, DH has SUCH a short fuse - it feels like all good intentions to try to improve things between us go out the window over the slightest thing.

We have four teenagers and the slightest 'mistake' any of them make leads him to lose his temper. Of course kids can be annoying, but they are generally really lovely, well-behaved young people. What's just as bad is that he will berate me for every little thing too - how I load the dishwasher blah blah - just petty, boring stuff. I try to avoid nitpicking over dull domestic shit, but if I retaliate, I am 'so critical' - which is super f-ing rich given he's the one that huffs around the house telling everyone off the whole time.

He recently went away for work and the whole house felt calmer and more relaxed. Since he's back I can literally feel my blood pressure going up.

Has anyone experienced similar and what improved things? At this rate, I am not sure I want to spend the second half of my life with him...

I have no advice but I’m with you!

Keep a Complaints Log Book

Make sure it's big enough to be conspicuous and encourage everyone to fill it in. Every time DH tells someone off or has a moan/complaint, write it in the book.

This will have several effects:

It will show the kids that you are aware of the situation and that they are not alone, and that you hear what goes on.

It will (hopefully) lighten the mood for those of you who are being subjected to his Victor Meldrew behaviour.

It might open his eyes to the extent of his behaviour and how it impacts on the family.

Of course, if he still can't control his temper, it might be time for him to seek counselling for anger managements, or pack his bags and move out. Nobody wants to live with that kind of shit.

Bloody genius! I'm going to start this in our house... for myself as well as for STBX

@StolenChanel - thanks. I am finding it so difficult, and really worried that if it continues further that when the kids eventually fly the nest, they will have little desire to come home. Why would they if they have to walk on eggshells the whole time?

DH has always has a tendency to lose his temper quickly when stressed, but this used to be quite a rare occurrence - it now feels like he's in a bad mood ALL the time, unless he's doing something he wants to do (that usually doesn't involve the rest of us tbh).

As I said, we've had a tough few years - and I know that's had an impact. I am aware no marriage is perfect - but your spouse is meant to make your life better/happier, right?

He would argue that he 'does so much' for us all, and in many ways he does - he does a lot on the domestic front with cooking and housework etc. But it's almost part of the problem - he'll insist on doing something like cooking an elaborate meal and then get pissed off that we are not 'grateful' enough. It's exhausting tbh. I would rather he did less and was just a nicer person to be around.

Increasingly I feel like he just causes me stress, rather than actually gives me any kind of true emotional support.
😓

Maybe ask him to go to the gp or a therapist?

I think you need to sit him down and say that his anger is affecting everyone in the household, making everyone tread on eggshells and is beginning to threaten your marriage and damage relationships with his children.

If he won't have it that there's a problem, you need to think about a household without him in it.

Needs an honest conversation - it doesn't need to be long.

You are constantly angry and complaining. Me and the kids feel like we are walking on eggshells. It needs to change or our marriage is not going to survive because I'm not going to spend the second half of my life with someone who is like this.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do your children make of their father, and you for that matter?. What are they learning about relationships from you two?. They perhaps wonder of you why you and he are still together at all. Many people have such stresses also and they do not all have husbands who throw their toys out of the pram like yours does when things are not going his way.

Has he really been trying to make this work or is he merely paying lip service to these issues?. He probably thinks he is great because he does the cooking and some household stuff; no he is not.

I would assume your H does not behave like this to and around people in the outside world or to his work colleagues. If this is the case then it is for you people that his abuse, and this is abuse, is aimed at. He does not need anger management because he can control himself and besides which AM courses are no answer to domestic abuse which is what you are also describing here. He does this because he can and feels entitled to do so. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightly call him out on such behaviours.

I think this sounds like the moment for an ultimatum tbh. I wouldn’t normally suggest but it actually really sounds like he’s heading for divorce and a very lonely future unless something changes. Can you just talk to him and say you totally get the stresses etc but you are finding it incredibly hard to deal with the loss of temper and worried that you are heading for divorce if nothing changes. Relationship counselling or anger management or individual counselling might help. I’d also read Lundy Bancroft Why does he do that and see if any of it fits your DH as it’s hard to know if he’s just grumpy or tipping into emotional abuse.

@AmandaHoldensLips - 'complaints log book' 😝 - it would probably be quite long! Tbh, I'm not sure that would help matters, particularly because he's the type of man who will, for example, insist he's 'NOT SHOUTING' when he is. It's like he can't actually perceive his own behaviour...

After another stupid episode this morning where he was berating our dd for something pretty minor, I told him that that we all felt a lot more chilled and calm when he was away. Of course, he just shouted at me that it was 'a horrible thing to say' and as usual, I was told how awful I am for being 'so critical'.

Tried to point out that I'd have no need to say that should he not have been acting like such a grumpy a-hole in the first place, but got nowhere...

Only issue an ultimatum if you are fully prepared to see it through. If you are not do not issue one.

Do not enter into any form of joint counselling with him; abuse is not a relationship issue and such counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

As he can’t see his behaviour to acknowledge or even want to change I think you need to put yourself (and your kids) first. The relationship is over.

What you need to decide is will be quick or a slow process (ultimatums, promises to change etc…). If you asked him to move out would he?

It sounds like it's getting to the point you need to split up with him to protect your kids from this.

They're teens, a sensitive time, and your dd doesn't need her self esteem attacked by the male role model in her life daily.

Just wow! A complaints log book sounds super abusive. Would you advise a man to keep a log book on his wife? That advice has shaken me and I don’t even know yet why it is so very wrong but my gut is in knots at the thought of someone doing this to a loved one.

Whoever taught you to think and act this way was an awful person. You probably should speak to someone about it.

@category12 - I've encouraged him to talk to a therapist or GP in the past. One of the sources of stress in his life is over some complicated and hurtful dynamics within his immediate family, and I think it would be really beneficial. Sadly, he refuses.

It's pretty frustrating (not to mention annoying) because my own background is WAY more challenging than his, and I've taken steps (though therapy) to address it all...

Such men always but always blame everyone else, your DD in this case this morning, when its really their fault. Read about the DARVO technique too such men employ against their targets.

Would you want your kids as adults to be married to such a man?. No you do not and you would want better for them. Its not your fault either this man has decided to embark on his own private based war against you and in turn your kids who are caught in the crossfire.

I would seriously consider your future with him because its not looking at all bright nor cheerful. One day too your kids will leave home and sooner rather than later if dad continues to berate and otherwise shout at them as he does. They won't want to return home to see you either.

Sounds like you're all a bit scared of him. That's not good. The childish (but very accurate) expression, "You're not the boss of me", applies here in spades.

Can anyone in the house catch his behaviour on film and show it to him? Or does he totally not care so long as he is getting his own way?

Nobody likes a bully.

Could you afford to split up? You would probably find your life a whole lot more peaceful if he wasn’t around.

"I've encouraged him to talk to a therapist or GP in the past".

I smiled wryly to myself when you wrote that. He's never gone has he nor will he ever go. And if he did deign to do so he would only do one or two sessions before pronouning them as waste of his time. Such men feel entitled to act as they do and are not amenable to being counselled by someone similar or younger to them in age. He really does feel he has done nothing wrong by you here. If you look at his parents too chances are that one of them acts the self same.

If he won't consider help or change, your options shrink considerably.

@StormingNorman "Super abusive" - wtf are you on about?

Be very careful about filming him because he could really kick off putting you all potentially at risk physically. This is not a necessary nor desireable course of action.

@MidnightBlossom and @RaspberryBeretxx - he knows I am not happy, and he is not happy either. We have been honest with each other in saying that it feels like the most challenging time ever in our marriage, and we are both worried about the relationship.

Thing is, every time we discuss it we always say we want to make things work, that we want to focus on the positives, that there is a lot of love there etc. However, in day to day life it seems to play out as 'DH gets to be grumpy and critical, but I am not allowed'.

Is his thyroid been checked recently??

years ago, when i was teenager i remember my dad had very short fuse all of sudden, it was absolutely unbearable. It's turn out his thyroid was overactive. with meds he calmed.

so maybe it's worth checking

You're worried about the relationship, he is not. He's been paying lip service to it and telling you what you want to hear. In the meantime your kids and you continue to walk on eggshells around him. Why is it one rule for him and another for you all?. This is not how things should be in any household but its normal for one in which abuse is present. Abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute here over you all.

Sounds like you live with my husband OP!!! He doesn't understand why we are all increasingly horrible to him!!
No suggestions just sympathy at living with a miserable bastard.