Dating Thread 250 - Autumn

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

As a guy, I’d agree with this 100%.

I would need VERY clear physical or verbal indication from someone before I kiss or touch.

once the tap has been turned on so to speak, then I’m completely different and much more confident. .

If I was the guy, and after 4 dates nothing had happened, I’d be worrying that she didn’t like me and I’d likely be starting to get bored.

@Crushed23 grow some balls and go in for the kill!!!

@Jojo855 It's not that nothing happened - we kissed on dates 2-4. But it was at the end of the night for maybe 10 seconds each time. Largely because we were outside freezing.

What counts as very clear signals / the green light for kissing and touching a woman then? Because I don't see what's unclear about continuing to go on dates with a man, talking for hours, drinking wine, staying out late (far past your bedtime!), dressing up for the dates, kissing at the end of each date. Where am I going wrong? Do I have to spell it out: "I think we should fuck now 🙂"??

Firstly hope I'm not intruding here or spoiling things by joining in. I'm a man - Early thirties and googling brought me here. First place I've seen sensible discussion and advice.

Just want a bit of reassurance that dating apps aren't a total waste of time, before I take the plunge. Probably need someone to say its a good idea.

My first and only foray into online dating was 12 years ago, via a PC and I got married thanks to a paid subscription site. I now know I was incredibly lucky, but I get the feeling this will feel like a lot harder work, probably doesn't help there's a divorce label about to be applied to me,but after reading some posts it seems apps have brought out the worst in people and I'll be doomed by time wasters and endless messages. Plus swiping makes me feel I've only got two seconds to make an impression.

Pre smart phone you had to take it seriously, now I'm not so sure.

Someone must enjoy it ?

@oldernotwiserffs yes similar to @Crushed23 really. But it I feel like it’s made me pickier also, I used to be very forgiving of certain behaviours.

@oldernotwiserffs Yes, boys are funny with their last minute planning behaviours aren’t they! Perhaps women are more organised as a whole?

Funny one regarding how my last first date was organised… We agreed on Monday we were going out but with absolutely no plans for which day. Wednesday he asks me out again. And then Thu and Friday he messages a fair bit to discuss the details of where and when with me and get my opinion/ sort logistics! The whole thing took hours of back and forth 😆

I do like to have plans in advance so I can make other plans too, the thing I really hate is spending Saturday at home because a bloke I liked enough to set time aside for them didn’t organise themselves!

Favourite kind of date planning… he text by latest Tuesday, ‘do you want to go out on Saturday? Great, I’ve made a reservation at place x at 7pm if that works for you?’

I’ve had a couple of guys (who, granted, I’ve been seeing a while) text me on the morning of a day after vaguely discussing some plans earlier in the week, assuming I’m available. Standard reply is ‘I didn’t hear from you so already made other plans’ 😇

Honestly? I don’t really know!!

There’s been a few threads on here recently, one in particular which really focused not just on consensual sex but on consensual kissing and touching - even with a partner or spouse. It got quite heated and people were saying that a woman should be giving very clear verbal or physical signals to be touched or kissed - Thisnwas news to me! ( not in a rapey way)

women can take control, they can take the lead in these situations, men are not sex hungry confident sex leats that were made out to be on MN, there are lots of shy guys out there, either because of how they were brought up , because of a past sexual trauma or for fear of being rejected- no matter how obvious you make it know to them.

I’d honestly give your guy one more chance, have some flirty/provocative messaging the day of the date, you take the lead and see where it goes. X

@Crushed23 I am with you that if a man doesn't initiate a bit more than nice chat or vague kissing then it's not going to work. Men just don't wait for women to initiate if they are genuinely interested.

On that note I've just sent a dear john to the coffee date I had at the weekend. He was nice and I would have met him again if he'd asked, but he just text vague messages every day like how was your day. I don't want to text anyone daily and I definitely don't want to text small talk daily!! I'm too old, grumpy and demanding for that!

@Crushed23 Invite him over to yours for dinner? or a date near yours, he comes to pick up, invite in, offer a drink. When it's not a public place and more intimate setting, something should surely happen (if it ever were to happen)

Thanks for your thoughts @Day99 @OchreHedgehog @Jojo855

Mr HK texted me late last night asking me out on a 5th date: dinner mid-week. We both work FT and have early starts, so this would have been another no-progress, sexless date. More of the same passive, frustrating nonsense, basically. I declined and said I don’t think we should go on any more dates, and told him that I felt rejected. A bit more emotional than I wanted to make this ‘break’ but I must be upset, I guess.

He apologised for making me feel rejected but ultimately agreed with me that we should call it quits, as he’s not sure there’s a ‘spark’.

Anyway, I am planning a really fun weekend so I can move on from this fast - getting a facial and a haircut, shopping for new ski gear, brunch with a friend. Can’t wait. ☺️

What does "sent a dear John" mean? 😅

Agree that daily small talk messaging is the worst. I usually just ignore it.

@Crushed23 I am crushed for you- again. I'm so sorry it didn't work with Mr HK. I'm sure you're feeling rotten so I'm really glad you have a fun weekend planned. That's ideal to take the edge off it all. And you deserve a great weekend after persevering with that!

I just don't understand why a someone would go on multiple dates with someone they're not sexually interested in. I suspect he did want to sleep with you but had some other issues - shyness, ED, something that is inhibiting him. Whatever it is, it's his problem, not yours!

A 'Dear John' is slang for a letter from a woman to a man breaking it off. Dates back to WWII and war wives (though I'm not quite that old!) In our modern context it's the text saying 'thanks for the lovely date, but it's not going to work for us. I wish you all the best'.

@Crushed23 I am so sorry that it ended that way with Mr HK. I can't understand why he would entertain a 5th date with you if there was no spark. I reckon he is saying that to save face because you declined his offer of another date. And I was also thinking similarly to @OchreHedgehog about the sex issue - maybe he has a micro penis or ED. Regardless I'm really pleased you've got a fun weekend planned

@ElleintheWoods yes! I hate last minute plans and usually try to get my weekends booked up seeing friends so if I a guy asks me last minute I'm usually not available but it's annoying because often I like them and want to see them. Mr Tradie and I are supposed to be meeting again tomorrow but I bet he hasn't even thought about what to do

I’m very much a social drinker so I do enjoy a couple of glasses of wine in a nice pub (or beer garden in the summer).

I went on a date last year with a guy who seemed really nice chatting but in the first date he drank 6 pints!! And it was an afternoon date. I had a couple of wine and sodas and he kept saying h ‘go on have another’ which I refused. Then he texted later that evening saying he’d gone from the date to his local.

And that’s him showing me his best first impression - there wasn’t a second date!

I’m the same. Most weekends I’ve already got plans locked in by Weds at the latest so if a man isn’t committing then I’ll be out with friends.

Tbh I came off all the apps last year as there was a 3 month period where I had almost no free weekends so I realised it wasn’t the right time to try and squeeze dating in between my other plans. Right now, my next free weekend is mid Feb and so it’s just not worth even thinking about trying to date

@TwistedWonder that is the best way to be, to have a full life in which dating is only a part. Although I try have plans at weekends my life does feel a little empty as friends have become distant as they have gone on to have children (I'm 34).

So if tomorrow's date goes ahead with mr tradie (I never trust that men won't cancel at the last minute) I want to ask him more about what he wants out of a relationship and make it clear that I'm dating with a view to settling down with someone, have a family etc. I did make this clear before we met but I think I'd like to have a proper chat about it. Any ideas how to approach this?

So my last night didn't go to plan, which was such as shame as we seem to have connected so well over messaging. She looked very different in real life to how she depicted herself in her pics and photos she sent, and there just wasn't a spark.

What I've taken from this however, is not to get too invested and not to have any expectation before a first date. We exchanged hundreds of messages within 5 or 6 days along with pics ( some of a sexual nature ) and I was genuinely gutted it didn't go as I had hoped.

What did I warn you?.... been there.

Always now I'm wanting to meet people straight away before wasting time getting that connection going if you then meet and they're not what they're making out to be.

A red flag to me now is if they start any sexting. How can you say such things to someone you haven't even met? It's off to me.

So sorry 😞 baffling to me what his motivation is? Surely with dating we are looking for a sexual relationship? Must be so annoying 😑

Anyway at least you know and can focus on yourself moving forward now. Absolutely self care is the best thing to do right now.

@Jojo855 - sorry to hear that your date wasn't as hoped.

I think it's a bit of a red flag with the intensity of these messages - it sounds a bit too much too soon - that would freak me out & put me off someone.

At least you found out by meeting up quickly & not continuing on.

Have to agree with other PP - the 100’s of messages and sexual pics before meeting would have me running for the hills I’m afraid.

I don’t really get how people sext and send explicit photos to someone they’ve never met. I’d presume their have zero boundaries in that regard and are doing the same thing with anyone they match with.

It's really odd isn't it? Even with my nice guy who I've now been on a couple of dates with, and had some very enjoyable almost sex with, we talk about normal stuff when we text each other. Maybe some flirting but nothing more.

Can I admit that I like a bit of sexting, but I avoid doing it (much) before first meet, and only with potential FWBs. Not all of them want to do it either, I've found it's the ones that are bit flakey at the end want it. I wouldn't do it with people I'm meeting in hope for a serious relationship (until later down the line).

Also, I saw in Instagram one dating coach shared this post 1st date questions to ask yourself (to help decide whether you want to see them again) and thought it was quite good.

I like this! I started to notice some of these things in my last dating experience and I’m so aware of it now.

A strange thing happened this week and I saw my very first boyfriend’s profile on bumble - we were together as teenagers for about a year. I left a ‘hello’ on a picture and we matched. Had long phone calls catching up and he came over last night, but whilst he looks great, and he is attractive, I just didn’t want to go there. I didn’t - not even intrigued to kiss him. I felt disappointed but quite a few things were off for me, well most things actually - his values, thoughts on sex, we just misalign with communication (I thought it was just on the phone as were were tired but talking loads). As a person I just didn’t have a pull to him aside from how he looked.

@Jojo855 Sorry your date didn’t go to plan.

As an aside, I paid for a week on Bumble. The number of likes I had with the same
filters dropped massively, to 28 from over 400. Subscription ended a few hours ago and it’s increased to 200?! Not paying again, I’ll just get a surprise if we match :)

Agree with this. If a guy tries to sext / move to exchanging explicit photos before meeting, it's a massive red flag. Definitely instant unmatching territory. Even if I was only looking for something casual. I like to establish IRL connection and chemistry first.

@Jojo855 I'm struggling to understand how she can not have resembled her photos if you guys were exchanging photos in the last few days? I always assume photos from someone's day, or naughty photos, are taken in real time or at least very recently. I wouldn't expect these to be recycled.

Actually, ignore me. I just realised my filters aren’t the same! I had filtered on non smokers and height of 5’ 9 and above with the subscription. You can’t change those with the free version.