Dating Thread 250 - Autumn

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@ElleintheWoods i wouldn’t write him off if it’s a social thing at weekends. But if he is a big drinker at home each night I think that is probably a different lifestyle choice. It may not effect him but if it effects you and how you can do things together then that’s different.

I need someone like myself really, I drink socially only. And not to excess at all when I do. I think men can perhaps drink more than women with no ill effects so if he drinks a bit more than me, that wouldn't worry me. But I avoid borderline alcoholics as too unreliable. And I like to do other stuff as well.

Wealth wise I'm sorted, comfortable, so would like someone who is similar to me. Can be a little either side but wouldn't want a glaring difference.

Getting hangover from 5 drinks, if doing it regularly, seems like he lies and drinks more or really can't handle them (in which case, he should probably stop). I wouldn't want to date someone who is hangover one day each weekend (or even most weekends).

Also whoever suggested ChatGPT, second that! I use it regularly for dating (messages, profile etc ) too.

I agree with this. If he was socialising and having a few drinks a couple of times a week that wouldn’t worry me.

A glass of wine a couple of times a week at home wouldn’t bother me either. But drinking 5+ drinks in one evening at home I wouldn’t find more worrying

Please can I join? I'm 34 and recently re-entered the world of online dating. I am finding it extremely depressing. I'm looking to settle down but the quality of men is really quite poor. I've been on three dates with a guy who I like and we have been messaging every day but he doesn't appear to have been online this evening and I've had no message today so I don't know what's gong on :(

To join in with the conversation about drinking and dating someone more wealthy, I don't mind if someone drinks more than me as long as I am not pressured into drinking more than I'd like to. I might struggle to keep up with someone more wealthy and not know the etiquette for the types of bars/restaurants etc they go to. But right now I can barely get a match so I don't need to worry about those things at the moment.

One guy from Match is messaging me but he has already called me 'babe' and that has really put me off - he doesn't even know me! Maybe I should be less harsh though.

I'd prefer to date a guy who drinks, but not too much. I'd more than raise an eyebrow if a guy was drinking 2 or 3 days a week, or going out and getting hammered every weekend.

I'm with you @Crushed23 in that I enjoy being a bit tipsy on a date, though not being drunk. It definitely helps me feel more relaxed.

I've never dated anyone who earns more than me, so I'd love it if I did! Being wined, dined and taken care of sounds fabulous for once, and I'd be up for that lol

@Crushed23 @Caramellie3 @PeachyKeane @Day99 @TwistedWonder @Starseeking Thanks for your input ladies!

That’s what initially put me off about this person. So we’re talking going out at least once a week having MINIMUM 5 drinks. But sometimes also drinking several bottles of wine home alone etc. He’ll also drink casually a fair few days a week.

He keeps saying he doesn’t want to be drinking to the point of having a hangover but then does it again the next week 🤷‍♀️ He does however also have lots of healthy habits like waking up early and going for a workout regularly, or cooking from scratch, which is more my bag.

Maybe I’ll just try get a feel of what this drinking is really like as opposed to going off what he says - maybe he drinks far less than he claims 😆

Previous guy I fancied was the same, out drinking every Saturday night, and generally the pub with his mates being his habitat 😄 The guy before constantly kept my glass topped up when I was at his, I was hardly ever sober with him and I didn’t like that.

I’m just used to very serious career focused guys that barely drink/ have fun/ go out, so I’m not really sure what ‘normal’ looks like. I do want someone more fun that has friends and a social life, but I’m a bit of a health freak that likes their sleep and good diet.

Then again nobody will be 100% like you. My ex woke up at 5 and trained twice a day most days whereas I was far less active and it worked most of the time 🤷‍♀️

Hi!

Which apps do you use and roughly where in the country are you based? If in London then Hinge and Bumble are considered to be the best apps for our age group. When I lived in London I exclusively used Hinge.

I think going quiet for one day is okay, he's probably just busy. First day back at work after the holiday perhaps? How did the third date go? Where did you leave things? I'm about to end things with a guy I went on FOUR dates with. It sucks. You feel like you're wasting precious time. Or rather, he was wasting my time as I wanted things to progress and he was passive AF.

I hope we both find our Mr Right in 2025. Dating in your 30s, as a woman especially, is so stressful. You just think "Where is my person?!?!". But we'll get there 🙏

@Crushed23 - just a quick reply about your passive guy.

The guy I'm currently seeing was like that - we'd got 4/5 dates in & things weren't progressing.

It was a lack of confidence on his part, as his wife had an affair after a 25/year marriage & he'd lost his confidence - he'd just started dating again in his mid-50's. He did communicate this though!

In the end I invited him round to "watch a movie" and the deed got done!

@Crushed23 thank you for your reply I've been reading your posts with interest as I fear my guy (I'll call him mr tradie) is the same. We have had sex but he is not especially proactive at organising the next dates. He did end up messaging me yesterday but I don't know if he is really interested. Last week we said we would do something this weekend but didn't set a day. I'm thinking of asking him if he is still interested in meeting up and if so when is good for him later today. I know it's a while til the weekend but I want to organise myself! I don't really like how I have to be the one to make suggestions but I don't understand why he would be in contact every day if he wasn't interested in seeing me again?

I'm in the south east and am using bumble, hinge and match. Match is the biggest waste of money ever, I really regret getting it. Stick with the free apps!

@Crushed23 just read @ProseccoOnTap's advice - I know Mr HK hasn't been very flirty but have you tried flirting with him? Maybe he just needs a bit of encouragement?

Thanks @oldernotwiserffs @ProseccoOnTap

I’ve slept on it and sounded it out with a couple of friends and I have decided not to keep trying with Mr HK. A friend and also someone on this thread pointed out, if he’s passive and low energy now he would drive me insane in a relationship, which i think is a very good point.

On the point about him being too shy and me needing to instigate the flirting:

⁃	at the bar we went to, there were plenty of tables where we would have had to sit facing each other but I insisted we sit at the bar, side by side. Big hint right there. He didn’t touch me once while we were sitting at the bar. 
⁃	On the subway home, I was cold so I hugged him ‘to keep warm’. Twice. A perfect opportunity to take my face and kiss me. But he didn’t take it. 
⁃	Also the fact that I have agreed to go on 4 dates with him, dressed nicely (albeit conservatively because the weather here is so cold) and stayed out late - isn’t that a sign I may be interested?!

I have to conclude that he’s just not that into me and the 4 dates we had were him killing time / wanting female company.

At least you had sex!!

Part of the disappointment / frustration with Mr HK is I honestly feel so REJECTED. How can he not want to sleep with me?! 😂 I'm attractive (I think!), fancy him, we have great conversations that go on for hours, and we live so close to each other - how can he not invite me over to 'watch a film' 😭

If anyone has any tips on how to get a guy to sleep with you on the 2nd or 3rd date, let me know!

@Crushed23 - I had to take the initiative fior sex!! We are so socialised that men must take the lead - and it can be out of our comfort zone!! It was generally my feeling that I was "pursued" by men previously so it was weird for me to initiate.

I can see what you mean though, it shouldn't be this hard?! And passivity is not good, lack of confidence is unsexy. But being too cocky/confident is not good - blokes can't win either!!

But I guess that's dating in your 50's - headfuck that it is!

@ProseccoOnTap Yes, I'm always the one being pursued too and I don't think I have ever had to make the first move (although it's hard to remember haha). Maybe that will have to change as I get older.

@oldernotwiserffs I would say it's a little early in the week to lock down weekend plans, so don't worry if he isn't committing to / arranging the next date just yet. I usually have a sense of my weekend availability by Wed/Thurs and will often tell a guy that I will have to confirm if he asks me out too early in the week.

Sounds like you like him even if he isn't the most proactive? I assume the sex was good? (Living vicariously now since I'm not getting any action 😂).

Hmm, I just got a message from Mr windows who ghosted me 2 weeks ago after 3 dates (I wrote about it on this thread). It says

"Hello, you ok.
Sorry haven't been in touch nightmare with phone, smash screen etc. So been using my work phone since the 28th Dec.
Got phone back yesterday from Vodafone, working through quite a few messages but realised none from you.
Well I hope you are OK, and had a good new year."

Ffs what an excuse! I smashed my phone screen last year and managed to put my sim in another phone!

@Crushed23 perhaps Mr HK doesn't feel comfortable without you taking the lead? I think it can be difficult for guys these days because of all the talk about consent which of course is important but could make them less inclined to make the first move.

I sat next to mr tradie on all our dates and he isn't especially flirty other than giving me the odd smile. He initiated sex the first time and I did the second. I actually think my judgement might be clouded because the sex was so good as there are some things that make me think we might not be a good fit - we are from very different backgrounds etc

I was going to ask him about plans for the weekend tonight but do you think I should wait til tomorrow?

@Healingsfall
So sorry , pathetic excuse , they must think we are all stupid
Tell him to do one ! !

Last message was on the 26th Dec where he said he as gonna have an early night so I just did a 👍 to the message. So he allegedly smashed his phone screen on the 28th, so 2 days later. Then couldn't just put his sim in his work phone (he's self employed so there's no restrictions on putting a non - work sim in.

He was quite new to online dating so has probably realised over the 2 weeks that's it's shit!

Good shout! Could have got messy. If you don’t have to get along for practical reasons then nice clean break is probably best.

Sending hugs from the friend zone where I’ve been bantering with Mr WorkCrush all day 😂

@ProseccoOnTap @Crushed23 It’s really interesting as I’m trying to flip it - I’ve usually almost always been the pursuer.

Socialisation is a funny thing - as a Scandinavian woman I’m used to taking the initiative or nothing happens, whereas in the UK it’s the opposite. So I’m finding it hard to let them pursue/ struggle to be attracted to men who don’t pose a challenge even if they’re very attractive!

Has he previously made plans or have you had to make them?

In your shoes I wouldn’t push him to make plans. I would tell him something like ‘Hey, so I’m going for a hike Saturday morning, interested in joining?’

Make it something you’d do anyway and do it whether he joins or not. Unavailable for any random late plans though, and if you want weekend plans, just make them, independently of him or his availability.

Best for him to be aware early on that you’re a busy lady and if he wants to spend time with you he needs to book in.

I’d say at this stage he needs to show you he is keen and interested. So if you suggest a plan, he can’t make it but doesn’t suggest an alternative, just let him stew. If he’s interested he’ll suggest something, if he isn’t that keen then lucky escape.

Whatever he gets away with early on will set the tone for the rest of the relationship.

@ElleintheWoods I'm quite organised so I have suggested meeting again but he has come up with ideas of what to do. I get the sense that he's quite a last minute person from some of the things he's said whereas I quite like to plan and know what I'm doing. Since we already said we'd meet at the weekend I think I will ask him which day works for him but on the date I will say he needs to be the one suggesting meeting up again if he still wants to see me.

I love mumsnet but sometimes I wonder if reading too much here is affecting whether or not I give guys a chance. I'm constantly thinking they're just leading me on/only want to sleep with me/im just part of their rotation etc. does anyone else feel similarly? Having said that a friend of mine recently waited 10 weeks to sleep with a guy and was ghosted afterwards so it's not just on mumsnet that you hear these stories. It really makes the whole dating process fraught with anxiety when it should be fun.

I like to think I'm not heavily influenced by the endless threads on MN about useless or abusive boyfriends / husbands. I have plenty of male friends who are great partners, so I know NAMALT.

If anything, MN (this thread in particular) makes me rethink discarding men for the slightest thing and giving more of them a chance.