Dating Thread 250 - Autumn

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I think this just lovely but be a little cautious. After my experience with Mr Local where it just worked, all made sense and he told me he loved me, but broke up the week after not being ready for what we had, I’d just recommend taking it slowly. So easy to get wrapped up when it’s feeling amazing, you’re hearing right things and seeing the right behaviours.

@PeachyKeane OMG that's fantastic! Tell us more - soul mate is a big statement after one date. But a man turning up to a date with a little gift is lovely and so unusual these days. Delighted for you to have found someone who seems to be a potential winner!

@Crushed23 well I'm crushed for you. I was thinking Mr HK was perhaps just a bit shy which might have been endearing. But a man who doesn't press a few buttons is no use to anyone. He'd end up frustrating the life out of you in a relationship because you'd always be having to read between the lines to find out what he was thinking. And by the sounds of it there may not even be much between those lines. Chalk it up to experience and get straight back on the horse with a view to finding someone a bit more decisive.

@ElleintheWoods you're texting 10 men at once?! Wow. That sounds exhausting to me! I assume it's not full on conversations. I'd mix them up and forget which one was which!

I matched with quite a lot of people after joining Bumble last weekend. But have whittled it down to three now. Some unmatched me, and I unmatched a good few after initial messages were dry or monosyllabic.

Of the three, one is a slow burn. We're exchanging long, interesting texts but infrequently. I'm intrigued by it.

I'm meeting the other two for the first time today and tomorrow so will report back on how it goes. If it goes.

I'm not looking for a full on relationship. Just dates and a little rolling in the hay, weekends away, that sort of thing. So I want to find one or two people I fancy, but don't like tooo much as I don't want to end up being derailed by them. I enjoy my independence too much and I find relationships can warp my sense of perspective.

Yes, perhaps a little tongue in cheek there. He's lovely, a gentleman, loads in common. Will see how it goes as I was not looking for anything long-term at this stage. But it just just feels comfortable and right somehow. So I don't feel stressed etc.

I was texting quite a few other blokes at a time. But none of them felt quite right. So no matter what happens here, it's nice.

@OchreHedgehog at any given time I'm talking to at least 3-5 across all apps as so many flake, and so many are window shopping 🙄🙄🙄. Most last less than a week.

I had one who I matched up with that banter was good we agreed to meet up, so I gave my phone number. 2 hours before we were due to meet he starts drip feeding his he's not feeling well, and can I come to his house instead so we relax at home!?! This is in the space of 4 days.

@PeachyKeane it's so good when that happens after all the frogs. Watch out for any love bombing behaviour, but if he's the real deal it'll be wonderful in the long run. Looking forward to the updates!

@Crushed23 I know what you mean and it's probably for the best as you can't "force it", even though you're both good people.

The ‘let’s just relax at home’ bloke has made me laugh out loud. Does anyone really think this works!!!

Having said that, I was seeing a guy at uni and he suggested he come look after me when I had a cold and cancelled a date. Turns out men and women really have a different idea what ‘looking after an ill person’ means!

Can I ask a question. When you first split with someone and went back into the dating world, were you just not feeling it and did it take you a while to get to a place where you felt you could date people again?

I've tried dating for a month but now I just can't be bothered and feeling like chatting with people online is a bit of an effort

@OchreHedgehog To be honest with you largely it just passes the time, they text me and I reply when I want/ have time. I don’t put a huge amount of effort in except with the ones I’m somewhat interested in.

For example last night I was talking about books we like with one of the guys and it was just an interesting conversation. I only really tend to keep talking to someone who has something interesting to say, a fair few of these guys I also know a long time and we have a decent rapport.

@Christmassprinkles123 oh yes, absolutely was not feeling it. I think it’s quite normal. I’m not really feeling it now tbh as without the ‘crush’ feeling it’s a little bit… Plain? It feels weird trying to date someone having come down from the high of feeling real feelings, feels a bit like I’m forcing myself but not invested.

That is great. And that is pretty much what everyone is looking for - a connection which feels nice. Enjoy!

Yes I agree the 'relax at home' bloke is a joke. Men like that are really just too cheap to pay for sex. Clearly they've no interest in the human side of relationships so they're never going to interest women who are ALL about the human side of relationships!

I wonder if a lot of younger men, as well as having been warped by porn, are also just clueless about male/ female relationships and perhaps confused by all the push back against sleazy/ illegal make behaviour. Women don't want to be harassed or abused but we do want a bit of flirting and some masculine behaviour, otherwise it's just not sexy.

Yes. It’s hard to get back on the horse. But if you want to find someone you have to make the effort these days unfortunately. You're just not going to meet them at church or a dance like our grandmothers did.

It is good to have a period of being Single - single with a capital S, meaning not looking, not wanting a partner and genuinely enjoying being on your own. Otherwise you can never truly 'know thyself' and that is a tragedy for a huge number of people who have only ever been able to understand and define themselves in the context of being part of a couple.

@Christmassprinkles123 It might be time to take a break if it feels like that. Or try meeting them quite quickly so the initial talking doesn't take too long

I would definitely recommend meeting straight away. Otherwise it can waste so much time. If they don't want to that raises flags for me tbh, after all it's supposed to be a dating site.....

@Christmassprinkles123 I did and think it’s normal. I personally spent some time navigating dating to understand what I wanted, was comfortable with. I also worked through a range of emotions…

If you’re not feeling it right now it’s okay to pause and not do it.

Has anyone tried eHarmony? Reviews online aren't great but then they aren't great for most sites!

Fed up of Match, I just seem to be swiping left to the same people over and over again. You'd think once swiped left they'd disappear but I suppose if they did then the app would run out of people so then you'd question what you're paying for!

Bumble and Hinge are a joke. I've had zero matches on there, it feels like a scam for you to pay ££s to get extra features!

There's a method called block to burn so you block each guy you don't want and then they won't be recycled again when you run out of people.

Just about to dip my toe in the world of OLD as a 55 year old.
Could you share your top 5 red flags and green flags?

Thank you.

Perhaps you need some time on your own and to reflect a bit on your last relationship, and also what you want from a partner?

I spent the first 18 months after I split with my Ex intentionally single, and now I'm dating again, it seems to be leaning towards having a part-time partner lol

I'm 55. It's fairly bonkers tbh. You need the hide of a rhino. Don't take it to heart. There's a lot of weirdos and perverts on the sites. A very few decent men as well. So important to ruthlessly sift through.

I would recommend meeting ASAP or you can end up pointlessly texting someone and never meeting up. That's a red flag to me, why don't they want to meet ASAP on a dating site? There's bound to be a reason.

@PeachyKeane
Thank you.
Are there many decent, ordinary single men in their 50s on these sites?
I haven't used them before.

A couple. Not many. Depends on how fussy you are. I was looking younger really just because I didn't fancy anyone my age or older on there.

I have met up with a couple of blokes who were nice guys but I just didn't fancy them. Generally if they are decent they'll be verified (on Tinder which is the only site I have tried). They'll give you their actual name so you can check them out on LinkedIn.

I have accidentally just met someone my own age who seems really lovely and genuine on there so fingers crossed 🤞 it's very early days however so I'm proceeding with caution.

What does verified mean?
Hope it goes well.for you

They have a blue tick. You can do it yourself. You get your photo verified then the additional step to be fully verified.

Would also recommend a video chat before you meet up just to make sure they are who they say they are. You can do that through Tinder chat.

@Leafy74 Im in your age bracket too and am new to OLD. Just joined bumble last weekend. I've had a good experience so far, though my expectations were very low given what I'd heard about OLD generally.

I took a good bit of time over my profile, picked good photos and thought about bio/ introduction stuff a good bit. I matched with about 20 people over the last week. I was off work so did a lot of swiping!

I messaged them all with a decent length of first message that showed I'd read their page, included something complementary and asked an open question. I then whittled them down (or some unmatched me or didn't reply to my first message) to three. Met the first one today- he's lovely and I will meet him for a second date. I'm meeting the second one tomorrow for lunch and am still texting the third with no meet up arranged yet.

I consider this a bloody good start! So it’s possible! Go into it with optimism!

Thank you
Good luck