Dating Thread 250 - Autumn

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Gosh that's a great start! Glad your date went well today, it's always nice leaving a date knowing you'd go on a second date with them. Has he asked you / is it confirmed? Good luck on the date with guy #2 as well, and tell us how it goes.

I have been procrastinating drafting my message to Mr HK to end things. I think I am upset that it didn’t go anywhere after 4 dates and ~6 weeks of messaging. I know I can’t change it, and make him more proactive etc. But why is this hard to accept? I don’t even think he's my 'Mr Right', but I am resentful that it has come to this. It’s like there’s more closure if the guy is a dick and mistreats / ghosts you. Mr HK was lovely to me and our conversations were great. But he obviously decided I wasn’t worth the effort of moving things forward.

/ramble

@Crushed23 what do you want the message to achieve- final closure, a last ditch attempt to wake him up, or a kick in the teeth? Is he still messaging you?

@Crushed23 - don't be hard on yourself. After 6 weeks of messaging, you will be emotionally invested, and having had 4 good dates, it's not unreasonable to be upset that things are not progressing as expected.

I had similar earlier this year - 6 weeks of messages, talk about dates, but it never happened & I actually cried 🙈

I've vowed never to message for more than 7-10 days in the future.

I'm just ultimately a closure girl, who likes good, clear communication.

If it's going to bug you about lack of clarity/closure, then it might be worth a last message, particularly if you think there was some course left to run?

That's the most frustrating thing I found with so many of these men. The lack of clarity. I literally couldn't care less if they're not interested, plenty more fish in the sea etc

Just be honest and up front about your intentions. They just seem to want to keep you dangling. Just in case. But if you find someone worthwhile, they won't behave like that.

It's total headfuckery!!

With my latest guy, I was about to give up tbh. I was messaging so many who just didn't seem to actually want to meet up. We matched, and I thought I'm going to only message if he's into meeting which amazingly he was. So we messaged that morning and met 6pm that evening. He's absolutely lovely, we get on so well, seeing him again this week. So there are decent men on there, but it's just sifting through all the others to find them that's the issue.

So, I have a date lined up for Wednesday, we matched on Friday and spent pretty much the whole weekend messaging. Messages are really concise and well written, which really is a breath of fresh air and we have talked about so many different topics. Things are already getting sexual and it sounds as though the date might be a little more than just dinner and drinks. It's all very exciting but I hope neither of us are disappointed when we do meet as there is already a fair amount of expectation. ( I'm a male btw )

I want to say that I don't think we should go on any more dates because although we get along and I've had fun on our dates, I don't there's any romantic interest on either side. I also want to say that I would like to stay friends. The reasons being that I do genuinely like him and we live a 15 minute walk from one another, which for where we live is like being next door neighbours.

I want to include some feedback on how passive he has been and how frustrating it was for me, but I can't think of a way of doing this without sounding like a bitch. I don't want to be mean to him. As I said, he was really lovely to me.

Hope it goes well for you. I always find it strange when things get sexual before you actually meet though. What happens if you don't fancy each other when you meet up?

That's my worry, but certainly if we do fancy each other then it probably makes things easier. She's not who I would normally go for, looks wise, but I'm super attracted to her personality so we will see.

Sorry to hear that you were strung along for 6 weeks with no date, that's terrible.

I don't exactly want to cry about Mr HK, I'm mostly just disappointed and confused. I'm trying to think about it from his perspective - what is he getting out of continuing to go on dates with me and not progressing things? He's good looking, young, has a good job etc. and presumably getting other attention / matches, so why waste all this time? He also picked up the bill at each date (I always offer to pay but he doesn't let me) so not only has he wasted time but it has cost him hundreds of dollars. Do some men just want female company?

Total mindfuck, the whole thing.

Anyway, onwards!

@Crushed23 - it was a weird one, we'd talked about meeting up, but nothing concrete materialised. And I finished things as I was fed up, at which point he said it was "his fault" but wasn't forthcoming about why - it was a total headfuck.

I found some good info about why that happens:

@Crushed23 yes Mr HK does seem to be a headfuck alrite. I would leave the feedback for the moment and focus on the key message- if you really do only want to stay friends, just send him a 'look I really like you but don't feel we're compatible romantically, I'd love to stay friends though as I really enjoy your company - would that work for you?' message. Or if you want to try one last ditch attempt to find out if he is romantically interested and what his intentions are, then text something more direct. If it goes wrong, you'll probably not stay friends so you may as well go all in and make your feelings clear with no inhibitions.

This is going to sound crazy, but try testing a few draft texts with ChatGPT. It will help you focus on what you want and refine the actual wording!

This was what I meant to attach about reasons why they don't want to meet up:

I think add to that list they might be married or not even the person they are pretending to be. Just bored and wanting someone to flirt with/sext and perhaps push to send nudes etc.

i think if you genuinely want to be friends, I would go with a different strategy all together.

I’m an expert on the friend zone apparently so…

There’s no need to say anything/ draw any kind of line. Just don’t message them and see if/ how they message. You say your usual dialogue is non-flirty so basically you’re already in the friendship territory, right? If your meet-ups are also platonic, then again, you’re just friends.

I think if you start giving feedback or saying you don’t want to see him, that’s fair enough and transparent, but it’ll be hard to have a friendship off the back of that.

You can basically keep meeting and talking the way that you have been if that’s what you want.

Also don’t say ‘I’d like to stay friends’ if you don’t actually mean it. I always take it at face value and then look like an idiot. There’s no need to say it, it doesn’t benefit anyone.

Right, what are everyone’s thoughts on drinking? For example, what kind of drinking habits would put you off and why?

Also, would you date someone considerably wealthier than you? For example, say you have a decent steady job and the other person is a millionaire? Why/ why not?

I’d date someone less wealthy than me but not sure about ‘dating up’ by a significant margin.

I think I’m at a stage where I’m talking myself out of dating pretty much anyone 😂 ‘George Clooney? Nah, too handsome, too wealthy and too socially engaged’

Thanks for the advice everyone. I really do want to stay friends with him - he's so nice and I feel at ease around him. Well I did on the first 3 dates. On the last date I felt frustrated, borderline angry, that we were sitting side by side at a bar and he didn't touch me. We kissed at the end of the night, like last time. Oh, I hugged him on the subway because I was cold - a perfect opportunity to kiss passionately and for longer - but he didn't take the opportunity. That was the moment I realised I had to end things.

@ElleintheWoods I can't keep meeting up with him without saying anything / officially ending it because our dates are not platonic - we kiss at the end of each date and he kinda checks me out on the date the way you wouldn't if you were having drinks with a female friend.

I am going to wait for him to message first and I'll tell him I'd like to keep hanging out but as friends. He'll probably say no and I'll never see him again, but we can't keep doing what we're doing (or not doing...).

I wouldn't go out with a non-drinker or a heavy drinker. I am health conscious but like to drink socially and I would want a partner who was the same.

As for wealthy guys, I'm open to it but I am not particularly attracted to Type A guys and most super wealthy men are. So I am unlikely to be in that position as I would likely have ruled them out as a potential boyfriend before I found out they were rich.

Having said that, I am chatting to a very wealthy doctor (owns multiple practices) on Tinder right now and he seems okay, not too alpha. No date arranged yet, but I would say yes if he suggested it.

@ElleintheWoods i wouldn’t date a heavy drinker. I also would avoid photos on profiles with drinks. Because I’m not a regular drinker. I wouldn’t want someone where that is massively important.
I would date up so to speak but wouldn’t like boastful/arrogance about jobs. I have had dates with one person where his job seemed to be his main topic of conversation and it was a bit to much.
I currently date someone who earns more than me but we tend to go half on most things. We have equal nights in/out so not always expensive. He does travel more though but that’s not an issue as I have a family and he doesn’t.

I wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t drink at all or someone who drinks a lot. I’d want someone I could share a bottle of wine with over dinner or enjoy a few cocktails on holiday.

As for a very wealthy man, no I wouldn’t and I’ve actually turned down a very successful businessman who has regularly pursued me over last couple of years. He’s a really great guy but the disparity in our finances and lifestyle is too much. I live quite a simple life. I’m really not into fancy restaurants and high end bars. I’m more of a cozy country pub sort of girl. Plus I would never let a man pay for me all the time. I wouldn’t be comfortable being taken to expensive places that I couldn’t personally afford.I also think my style a bit too quirky for high end restaurants etc. I mean I don’t even own shoes - just about 60 pairs of trainers!

I work for a wealth management firm and do over the years, I’ve had plenty of opportunities to date well off men but money isn’t important to me.

Would we say going out drinking and having 5+ drinks at least once a week aged 35-45 is heavy drinking? Hangovers the next day too.

I’d love to date a guy who barely drinks but I’m not sure it’s realistic. I know a few and they’re quite antisocial and barely have friends tho they’re nice.

The guy I’m thinking of dating is really into fine wine etc but drinking most nights really messes with my health and it’s not a lifestyle I want.

Overthinking?

It depends how much drink you can handle, surely?

Drinking once a week is fine. That's roughly how often I drink. But I can only handle 2-3 drinks so stop there. If he can drink 5+ drinks and have a good time (ie not pass out, end up in A&E etc.) then I think that's okay.

Unless you think he's drinking to numb pain, then that's a different issue altogether.

Liking wine and drinking once a week is okay, IMO.

The guy I’m thinking of dating is really into fine wine etc but drinking most nights really messes with my health and it’s not a lifestyle I want.

@ElleintheWoods

Is he drinking once a week or most nights? I couldn't date someone who drank most nights either. It's bad for their health and I want a partner in good health who will wake up early and go on a long bike ride with me (for example). So someone who is hungover a lot won't work.

I have to say I love getting tipsy/drunk on dates! I know it's ill-advised and risky for a woman to get drunk with a male stranger at night etc. But I love it. 😅 I'm much more flirty when drunk (in fact, I can't flirt sober) and the date goes much better when we're both relaxed.