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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Marrying my non EU partner good idea?

247 replies

K900 · 21/09/2024 09:17

Hi all,

My girlfriends visa expires soon and the only way for her to stay in the country will be to get married. I do love this girl but marriage does scare me as I never thought I'd get married this young. However if I don't marry her I will likely never see her again. Also marriage would open up a lot of doors for her in the future and give her the chance at a much better life. I enjoy spending time with her and feel I would miss her a lot if she was to leave. I think I'd be willing to give marriage a go with her as I'd really like to spend more time with her and give her a much better quality of life. If it didn't work out after a few years we could always separate I guess? Has anyone ever been in this situation or have any experience like this. We have been together 6 months. It seems a bit surreal to me but I don't want to lose this girl from my life forever. She is from Chile and I live in Ireland. Thanks

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 25/09/2024 23:22

She's had time to look into visa options, but you don't know about options, so it looks like she's one track minded on trying to get married to you rather than considering alternatives.
It's the actively looking to strike something up on tinder too. Wouldn't you think that someone working and studying would be too busy to be looking for a relationship, especially if allegedly happy to be only staying for a few months. I'd say she was actively looking to hook a way to stay and tinder was he route rather than a visa. She's already got form for outstaying her visa by illegally working in Spain. Kinda shows she'll go to lengths to avoid going back home. Like buttering up a man off tinder. Sure she's been lovely to date, she'd have to ensure that.

MarkingBad · 25/09/2024 23:26

@K900

It's absolutely no wonder you are so upset, you have every right to be.

You have had a very tough few days, lots of different opinions and some things I've no doubt you didn't want or expect to hear includng from me. As I said previously, I feel for you, from some of the PP here, many of us do. It has been a difficult situation for you to have been in and to your endless credit you have given this situation way more consideration than most would have.

In every post and every thought you have put someone else first, many focus on their own woe or what they want, but not you. The only thing you wanted for yourself was to help. If only more people were like you, putting others first, trying to see things from all angles even though they have been hard to consider. You have not once reacted in anger at anything anyone has said here, in fact you have been incredibly accommodating and tolerant.

All anyone can ask of you is that you try your very best and I can tell you that you have categorically done just that. No one could have done more given what you have to work with and within the time frame you have, many would have been happy to have done a lot less. There is positively nothing more you can do.

Now you are incredibly vulnerable, you have exhausted all the possibilities, you have made a choice that has been very hard to make. I want to ask that you now put you first, and take care of your wellbeing. It is so easy for men to try and tough it out, be a protector, and stand up to things rather than allowing yourself to feel all the emotions that are now coming to the fore. You will be better for it too.

Please K900 take a step back from this situation and give yourself a chance to breathe, and give yourself room to feel. And take big deep breaths the clear air is cold, but it is always healing, always.

You are important, you need time. When you come through the other side of this, you will have more confidence, you will feel better and you will forge ahead with your life. You will come to love the experience for what it was, a relationship you treasure, and you will realise that sometimes you can only do so much before you have to let it go. Some relationships are not for us but they pave the way for the relationships that are.

You have done all you can and you have done the right thing, no one can ask you to do more than that.

Remember you are a wonderful, generous, and caring man, thats a real rarity, some of us would die for that. You deserve to be happy, cared for, and loved and K900 you very much will be when she comes along.

K900 · 25/09/2024 23:38

Zanatdy · 25/09/2024 20:56

OP I’m sorry you’re hurting right now. I am very dubious why she refused to try LD relationship for a while if she loves you like she says she does. If she did love you that much, she would do anything to keep the relationship going. Instead she’s saying it’s marriage or it’s over. She is manipulating you. As hard as it is, it’s the right decision to walk away. She shouldn’t be trying to pressure you into marrying her.

This sucks. What makes it worse is that I know that the visa thing is the only way this can last. I know she does love me, as I see it through her actions everyday, it's just a shame that this visa black cloud has been over our head the last few months.

OP posts:
K900 · 25/09/2024 23:39

murasaki · 25/09/2024 20:58

She probably has at least 3 of you on the go.

Definitely not haha, there wouldn't be enough hours during the day. We spend every weekend and some weekdays together. The rest of the time she is working

OP posts:
K900 · 25/09/2024 23:42

metoo62 · 25/09/2024 21:22

Just tell her that you don't marry anyone until you are in a long term commited relationship. She doesn't need a married visa to establish and create a long term relationship with you but a real commitment to a mixture of distance, you both living in her and different EU countries with temporary documents etc , and visiting each other when not together, and eventually settle somewhere in the EU once you can demonstrate a long term relationship , but she can't be bother of the effor it takes, because she doesn't really love you enough to care enough to commit to working on your relationship long term. You are not the one letting her down here, she is the one that doesn't give a dump about the relationship, for her is married visa or breaking up. She has show her true colours in the last message by not wanting to work in the relationship at all, complete break up unless she can get a married visa out of it. She won't contact you again if you don't marry her, not because she is too sad but because she will be busy finding someone else to get a married visa from. Open your eyes. And look at the last message and how she is manipulating you to do what she wants or total break up. It is cruel of her actually. It isn't love. It is normal not wanting to marry yet after only knowing someone for 6 months, you have done nothing wrong. You hardly actually really know her in reality because such short time.

I know, I feel myself that 6 months is not too long. Ideally I'd like to meet their family, visit their hometown and date at least for 2-3 years together

OP posts:
K900 · 25/09/2024 23:45

ciaopizza · 25/09/2024 22:00

Her response isn't great OP - she's laying it on thick with the never getting over it and/or you. Come on, think with your head for a moment about that. A vital aspect of a relationship is being able to communicate about important things without adopting an all or nothing mindset.

I am sorry you're hurting so much. I can relate a little as I dated a guy who was on a visa and had to go home after a year. It was the best relationship I had too, but it was also charged with the knowledge that that our time was limited. This made it very passionate and intense.

Yeah, this is also a very loving and passionate relationship. She is a very pleasant girl and it's unfortunate this visa thing is always in the back of our minds. There are little nice things she does, likes cleans some of my stuff in my room when I'm away and organises everything to be tidy and neat.

OP posts:
K900 · 25/09/2024 23:47

ciaopizza · 25/09/2024 22:13

By the way, if she does a Masters here (Ireland) she will then have 2 years to look for work in the country. Stamp 1G.

Didn't know this. Do you have to be sponsored by the employer for this? Is it hard to get sponsored if your not a doctor or one of those critical skills jobs?

OP posts:
murasaki · 25/09/2024 23:50

With the best will in the world, and I don't like using this phrase, you are cunt struck.

Please meet someone who likes you for you not your passport. As you have an EU passport, as an English person, I too can tidy your room and be nice to you for an EU one.....

ciaopizza · 25/09/2024 23:58

No, you don't need to be sponsored by an employer. After the 2 years you do.

Have a look at the Third Level Graduate Programme below:

www.irishimmigration.ie/my-situation-has-changed-since-i-arrived-in-ireland/third-level-graduate-programme/

SleepPrettyDarling · 25/09/2024 23:59

K900 · 25/09/2024 23:45

Yeah, this is also a very loving and passionate relationship. She is a very pleasant girl and it's unfortunate this visa thing is always in the back of our minds. There are little nice things she does, likes cleans some of my stuff in my room when I'm away and organises everything to be tidy and neat.

She’s really laying on the ‘wife material’ vibes. Has your family met her?

ciaopizza · 26/09/2024 00:00

What Stamp is she currently on? You'll need to read the application conditions to see if she meets them

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 26/09/2024 00:55

K900 · 25/09/2024 23:45

Yeah, this is also a very loving and passionate relationship. She is a very pleasant girl and it's unfortunate this visa thing is always in the back of our minds. There are little nice things she does, likes cleans some of my stuff in my room when I'm away and organises everything to be tidy and neat.

It's called love bombing. Of course she would do everything possible to make you marry her. Her breaking up because you said no and refusing to do long distance shows that she doesn't love you, she wants an EU passport.

Think yourself lucky you got out before you were trapped and stuck paying for her for years.

RedDeath614 · 26/09/2024 06:13

Thanks for answering my question regarding her illegal working OP but you were vague about her working what appears to be full time hours while on a 20 hour a week work restriction. Is she only working 20 hours a week? If so how is she earning a full time wage? You said she's earning the same wage as you are. She's not allowed to work more than 20 hours a week so it's likely she's already broken the terms of her current visa.

I think you should just marry her as you're not really listening to the very sound advice you're getting on here. Then if you go through a messy and expensive divorce you'll realise how manipulative "lovely" people can be. But just do it, marry her and then you'll be happy at least short term.

RedDeath614 · 26/09/2024 06:18

SleepPrettyDarling · 25/09/2024 23:59

She’s really laying on the ‘wife material’ vibes. Has your family met her?

Yes have your family met her? Or your friends? What are their thoughts on her? Or this marriage idea?

If she hasn't met them for any solid length of time then arrange this ASAP.

baileys6904 · 26/09/2024 09:51

Not being funny OP, but even I could be gods gift to me for 6 months. Pretty sure I had sex multiple times daily, looked like a stunner, made 3 course meals every evening, ironed his underwear and was basically a dream which I first met my OP

That does not make a successful long term relationship.

Successful long term relationships endure. Stressful situations, deaths, financial hardship - a bit of distance temporarily shouldn't really be much more than a hiccup, especially with technology these days.

By the way, the UK is crying out for social workers. And I know my local council offers sponsorship ( am in England) so not sure why she'd be saying marriage is the only way...

baileys6904 · 26/09/2024 09:51

*God's gift to men

HornyHornersPinkyWinky · 26/09/2024 09:53

You keep blaming the Visa and ignoring the fact that she could adapt and be flexible with regard to your future together. But instead she has made it an all or nothing scenario.

Maybe it's easier than admitting to yourself that she doesn't want to be with you enough to try a long distance relationship for a while, she only wants things done her way, or no way.

She presumably knew the rules before she came to Ireland - she certainly knew enough in Spain to break the rules when it suited her.

Look you seem blindsided by this - go ahead and marry her, but do so knowing that you are being railroaded into this. If it's such a great love story, it should be able to withstand some tough times.

SleepPrettyDarling · 27/09/2024 22:53

Another observation I’d make is that ‘early 30s’ would be relatively late (for most people) to travel to another country (continent) on a finite student visa on which you’re only allowed to work a maximum of 20 hours per week. Did she have a career before she arrived in the EU? Did she have funds for rent and deposit when she arrived? Sounds like she put all her eggs in one basket, and the only ticket to stay is either get sponsored (critical skills visa - medical, chef, high skill tech) or marry.

I ask again if she’s met your family and friends. None of us can assess if it’s a match made in heaven, but you’d be incredibly naive to rush into this. Even your choice of language is betraying your doubt (giving it 2-3 years).

Cem82 · 28/09/2024 14:26

My brother had a similar thing with an American girl on a student visa who he was besotted with, they are now divorced and have a child. She was having an affair at least two years before they split up (which was incidentally around the time she got her citizenship). While they say you can apply for citizenship after 3 years it isn’t always quick - my brother’s ex took at least an extra year for various reasons.

K900 · 28/09/2024 18:54

MarkingBad · 25/09/2024 23:26

@K900

It's absolutely no wonder you are so upset, you have every right to be.

You have had a very tough few days, lots of different opinions and some things I've no doubt you didn't want or expect to hear includng from me. As I said previously, I feel for you, from some of the PP here, many of us do. It has been a difficult situation for you to have been in and to your endless credit you have given this situation way more consideration than most would have.

In every post and every thought you have put someone else first, many focus on their own woe or what they want, but not you. The only thing you wanted for yourself was to help. If only more people were like you, putting others first, trying to see things from all angles even though they have been hard to consider. You have not once reacted in anger at anything anyone has said here, in fact you have been incredibly accommodating and tolerant.

All anyone can ask of you is that you try your very best and I can tell you that you have categorically done just that. No one could have done more given what you have to work with and within the time frame you have, many would have been happy to have done a lot less. There is positively nothing more you can do.

Now you are incredibly vulnerable, you have exhausted all the possibilities, you have made a choice that has been very hard to make. I want to ask that you now put you first, and take care of your wellbeing. It is so easy for men to try and tough it out, be a protector, and stand up to things rather than allowing yourself to feel all the emotions that are now coming to the fore. You will be better for it too.

Please K900 take a step back from this situation and give yourself a chance to breathe, and give yourself room to feel. And take big deep breaths the clear air is cold, but it is always healing, always.

You are important, you need time. When you come through the other side of this, you will have more confidence, you will feel better and you will forge ahead with your life. You will come to love the experience for what it was, a relationship you treasure, and you will realise that sometimes you can only do so much before you have to let it go. Some relationships are not for us but they pave the way for the relationships that are.

You have done all you can and you have done the right thing, no one can ask you to do more than that.

Remember you are a wonderful, generous, and caring man, thats a real rarity, some of us would die for that. You deserve to be happy, cared for, and loved and K900 you very much will be when she comes along.

Edited

I appreciate your lovely words, Thank you very much for that. It has been a couple days since I said I wasn't ready to get married. I was quite sad, a couple days after I said this I came out of the train station coming back from work, and she lovelingly surprised me at the train station. I have to say I was happy she was there. We spoke about the marriage thing and she is disappointed with my choice but says she respects my decision. She said the only option left for her now is to try and get an employment permit in Ireland or else she will have to leave. She said there is a opportunity available in Portugal where you can stay for 5 years and get EU residency, however she said she doesn't think she'd try this as she doesn't want to struggle for 5 years in a place working for little money. She said she loves Ireland and Europe is her dream. She says she will be sad if she has to go back to Chile. I did ask her to just stick it out in Portugal for the 5 years, as she has a friend who is doing that now there. But she is adamant she will not go there, as she went to Portugal a few years ago for a few months and didn't like it. The whole situation is a bit stressful for both of us.

OP posts:
K900 · 28/09/2024 18:56

SleepPrettyDarling · 25/09/2024 23:59

She’s really laying on the ‘wife material’ vibes. Has your family met her?

Yes they have met her and they like her too. She is very lovely and gentle person to be honest.

OP posts:
K900 · 28/09/2024 18:57

ciaopizza · 26/09/2024 00:00

What Stamp is she currently on? You'll need to read the application conditions to see if she meets them

I think she on a Stamp 2 or such. She has a friend who is on similar but her visa is up and she has gone back to Chile now

OP posts:
K900 · 28/09/2024 19:00

RedDeath614 · 26/09/2024 06:13

Thanks for answering my question regarding her illegal working OP but you were vague about her working what appears to be full time hours while on a 20 hour a week work restriction. Is she only working 20 hours a week? If so how is she earning a full time wage? You said she's earning the same wage as you are. She's not allowed to work more than 20 hours a week so it's likely she's already broken the terms of her current visa.

I think you should just marry her as you're not really listening to the very sound advice you're getting on here. Then if you go through a messy and expensive divorce you'll realise how manipulative "lovely" people can be. But just do it, marry her and then you'll be happy at least short term.

I already said I'm not going to marry her. She is on a 20 hour week but she earns the same as me per hour I mean. She only gets half my salary a week because she works 20 hours. She also cleans a house once a week and she gets a little money for that too. Her rent is €130 a week.

OP posts:
K900 · 28/09/2024 19:02

RedDeath614 · 26/09/2024 06:18

Yes have your family met her? Or your friends? What are their thoughts on her? Or this marriage idea?

If she hasn't met them for any solid length of time then arrange this ASAP.

Yeah my family have met her and think the marriage thing is a bit crazy, even in my head I think it is too, it's just the idea of her leaving and not having the life she wants is disappointing. My friends met her a couple times but I don't see much of my friends all the time so they wouldn't know my situation

OP posts:
K900 · 28/09/2024 19:03

baileys6904 · 26/09/2024 09:51

Not being funny OP, but even I could be gods gift to me for 6 months. Pretty sure I had sex multiple times daily, looked like a stunner, made 3 course meals every evening, ironed his underwear and was basically a dream which I first met my OP

That does not make a successful long term relationship.

Successful long term relationships endure. Stressful situations, deaths, financial hardship - a bit of distance temporarily shouldn't really be much more than a hiccup, especially with technology these days.

By the way, the UK is crying out for social workers. And I know my local council offers sponsorship ( am in England) so not sure why she'd be saying marriage is the only way...

This is quite interesting, could you provide more information or a link with this. I could let her know this.

OP posts: