Marrying my non EU partner good idea?

[K900]

Hi all,

My girlfriends visa expires soon and the only way for her to stay in the country will be to get married. I do love this girl but marriage does scare me as I never thought I'd get married this young. However if I don't marry her I will likely never see her again. Also marriage would open up a lot of doors for her in the future and give her the chance at a much better life. I enjoy spending time with her and feel I would miss her a lot if she was to leave. I think I'd be willing to give marriage a go with her as I'd really like to spend more time with her and give her a much better quality of life. If it didn't work out after a few years we could always separate I guess? Has anyone ever been in this situation or have any experience like this. We have been together 6 months. It seems a bit surreal to me but I don't want to lose this girl from my life forever. She is from Chile and I live in Ireland. Thanks

My cousin married a Chilean student. It’s clear from what has gone on that she married him for visa reasons, and moved onto someone far richer quite quickly, leaving trail of destruction behind her.

Nah. Maybe keep in touch and see how you feel in a few years. You can always visit eachother.

At 6 months in its just not worth the risk.

There's nothing to stop you flying over to eachother for marriage some point down the line if you still wanted.

For now, step back. Treat it as a penpal friendship and see how you feel over time. Could be one of those mad love stories where you both live your lives separately for years but stay in touch and one day, after years, decide to meet up and marry.

But as is, it's just a bad idea right now.

'I never thought I'd get married this young' and then you say you're in your early thirties! xD I mean don't get me wrong, I absolutely get it!

But, do you want kids?
Cause if you were intending to marry later in life, that might not happen for you. I'm lucky enough to have zero interest in all that but male or female if you wanted them then i wouldn't be saying that 32 is too young for marriage.

Now I'm not advocating kids in this situation of course! That would be a disaster.

Tbh if you'd actually been young then the marriage wouldn't be as risky as you wouldn't have much money for her to bugger off with if she was that way inclined. But at 32 that's maybe more of a concern. And should be.

I mean you seem determined to do it and not listen to anyone who tells you this is a visa scam. You met her on Tinder and she told you what you wanted to hear- that she's just a sweet innocent girl who has only has one relationship ( just like you) yet she's not innocent enough to spend 5 years bouncing around Europe looking for mugs to marry. Why was she on Tinder knowing her visa was about to run out? Maybe broach the long distance relationship, or broach you moving to Chile for a few months. I'd be willing to bet you wouldn't see her for dust.

How long has she been in Ireland?

8 months

Yeah I said we could do a long term distance for a bit but she said she didn't really want to as she'd find it too difficult to talk to me when I'm so far away

I honestly don't think it's for visa reasons mainly. She said a few times maybe we should separate and says she only wants to be with me if I love her and want to be with her. I said I'm not sure yet but it sucks because she'll have to leave when her visa runs out next month.

What if it's a short marriage that lasts 1-2 years, would the same parameters apply?

I agree with you on this, it's very easy to turn some men's heads especially when you are "cute".

@K900 said himself I find all the posters saying it is for a visa mainly is a bit unfair as I know that's not her main goal

Which suggests he knows this is her goal after all and his logical side is trying to remind him to be careful.

If the OP is being honest and this is the situation then this is well meaning but badly thought out, it is such a shame the OP refuses to see the possible consequences but you can't make people plan when all they can see is wine and roses. He also seems to think his circumstances aren't going to change in the next few years, none of us know what is around the corner.

OP, many of us who have had a number of relationships have heard the we should separate unless you truely love me and want to be with me line.

If you had more experience you would see how downright maipulative this is. She doesn't mean it, it is to make you do her bidding and pledge your love for her and do what she wants.

I know you aren't listening but I have to try. We hear these things day in day out in our lives and on these boards. She is manipulating you.

I'll have to think about this then. It seems difficult to think she is manipulating me but I think since a lot of you are saying this it is making me think more about this. Throughout the time we've been together it's been very enjoyable and a nice part of my life to share it with her. She has been a very lovely person to be with and is very caring. I usually can spot these Visa grabbers, but she seems quite different I have to say. I genuinely would be dumbfounded if her main goal is a visa in all this, but I might ask her if we can do a long term for a while first and see her reactions. But I think last time she said I would probably forget her. I don't want to blow smoke up my own ass, bit I'm actually a nice enough looking guy and I have a good personality. I would have plenty of choice if I dated, she even mentioned this in the first few weeks we dated, that she would understand if we only lasted short term. I Don't know, life is a prick sometimes

Yes they do. I have know people that were divorcing for longer than they were married.

As for getting married in Denmark like you plan to do, have you applied to the Dept Of Foreign Affairs for the certificate for freedom to marry, it's a legal requirement and needs four months notice.

I'm not surprised she went on a dating site for her 6 month "holiday" or "study"; I needed you to confirm. She seems out to find a sponsor to stay here, I'm sorry. Of course she'd be as sweet as pie to you and you seem to be saying all the right things to her so far. I won't be surprised if she's juggling plans B, C and D, waiting for whichever/whomever works out.

Divorce is expensive!

It's really HTH when you like someone but people play this game all the time. We can all be lovely, kind and caring when we want to be and especially if it might get us what we want.

Again the line about you forgetting her is an absolutely classic manipulation line. Soon it will be you don't love me, you never cared for me, leading me on etc when it isn't working out their way. Playing the victim, the one who always gets left behind is all in same playbook. Designed to tug on your heartstrings and it will, you have to be strong to stay out of trouble from these people. Sadly I have the t-shirt and scars across my heart from this too, many of us have, it's easy to fall for.

If you are right for each other she will accept that for now at least a long distance relationship is all that is possible. This will give you and her time to find out what you have to do to make it legal and long lasting. I have had a LTR with someone who worked in another time zone, it is absolutely possible with someone who really cares for you.

If she isn't for you then she is absolutely no loss to you.

You have to blow your own trumpet some times but I can say my cousin looked like the back end of a bus and he was so charming he always found someone lovely for a relationship. There is never just the one that is right for you, there are and will be others if this relationship doesn't work out.

Even if she is geniune, this is a bad idea. Divorce is expensive, time consuming and it will affect future relationships.

The fact she is refusing long distance should tell you that she is completely only with you to get a visa. Multiple suggestions of splitting up because you don't really love her is manipulation too.

You can't be that desperate. There are plenty of single Irish women who won't expect you to marry them after 6 months.

Your message at 18.03 highlights the manipulation. She says she doesn't want to try a long distance relationship because it would be too hard to speak to you.

There's the tug on the heart strings and your ego is falling for it. Are you generally a man who likes to 'save' a nice innocent woman? Are you her white knight?

Someone who is genuinely invested in a relationship for the right reasons will be prepared to go long distance and invest the time and effort, because they would understand that solid, healthy relationships take time to develop.

I'm sure you're nice and she really likes you, but she's get her eye on a different end goal.

Also in Ireland, should you decide to divorce - you would have to remain married for a further 2 years before that's allowed.

OP, she has lived illegally in Spain for several years with no problems.

Why can't she live illegally in Ireland?

I know many non EU immigrants living in England illegally, some for 20 odd years.

Why can't she do this? Nothing's actually going to change is it? She will carry on working and earning a full time wage in what is meant to be a 20 hour a week job (whoops!!), seeing you, travelling and doing whatever else she does. Except going to college or whatever she's doing now that she hates doing, of course.

So my advice is don't marry. Just continue as you are. If she finds that too "upsetting" and "heartbreaking" then just point out that she's done it before and nothing happened. Therefore nothing will happen in Ireland.

If she's really genuine and really in love with you and really innocent and pure as you put it, then she won't have a problem with any of this.

If she does have a problem, well, then maybe she isn't really in love with you at all.

What's she doing with all her money by the way? She's not earning badly for a student.

I was into the place in Denmark that organises it and they said I didn't need to do that

In fairness, I'm the only person she has been going out with

Yes, this makes sense to me. I think I will say to maybe try a long term distance for a while as she says when her visa expires she will try and travel to a couple European countries she wants to visit. She doesn't have a lot of money so she will stay at places that will pay for her boarding and meals while she works for them. It's a bit unfortunate but I know I'll miss her kindness and love. I wish visa restrictions weren't like this, it's a bit devastating to be fair

I'm not desperate really, I just really enjoy the connection I have with this girl.