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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Marrying my non EU partner good idea?

247 replies

K900 · 21/09/2024 09:17

Hi all,

My girlfriends visa expires soon and the only way for her to stay in the country will be to get married. I do love this girl but marriage does scare me as I never thought I'd get married this young. However if I don't marry her I will likely never see her again. Also marriage would open up a lot of doors for her in the future and give her the chance at a much better life. I enjoy spending time with her and feel I would miss her a lot if she was to leave. I think I'd be willing to give marriage a go with her as I'd really like to spend more time with her and give her a much better quality of life. If it didn't work out after a few years we could always separate I guess? Has anyone ever been in this situation or have any experience like this. We have been together 6 months. It seems a bit surreal to me but I don't want to lose this girl from my life forever. She is from Chile and I live in Ireland. Thanks

OP posts:
K900 · 28/09/2024 19:06

HornyHornersPinkyWinky · 26/09/2024 09:53

You keep blaming the Visa and ignoring the fact that she could adapt and be flexible with regard to your future together. But instead she has made it an all or nothing scenario.

Maybe it's easier than admitting to yourself that she doesn't want to be with you enough to try a long distance relationship for a while, she only wants things done her way, or no way.

She presumably knew the rules before she came to Ireland - she certainly knew enough in Spain to break the rules when it suited her.

Look you seem blindsided by this - go ahead and marry her, but do so knowing that you are being railroaded into this. If it's such a great love story, it should be able to withstand some tough times.

Yup, I know. If I hadn't asked on her for advice I probably would have went ahead with the Marriage. But that is now out the window at the moment. I'n just looking at other options she can have to remain in Europe. If there is none I will miss her a lot as she deserves to live in a country she wants to be happy in

OP posts:
K900 · 28/09/2024 19:08

SleepPrettyDarling · 27/09/2024 22:53

Another observation I’d make is that ‘early 30s’ would be relatively late (for most people) to travel to another country (continent) on a finite student visa on which you’re only allowed to work a maximum of 20 hours per week. Did she have a career before she arrived in the EU? Did she have funds for rent and deposit when she arrived? Sounds like she put all her eggs in one basket, and the only ticket to stay is either get sponsored (critical skills visa - medical, chef, high skill tech) or marry.

I ask again if she’s met your family and friends. None of us can assess if it’s a match made in heaven, but you’d be incredibly naive to rush into this. Even your choice of language is betraying your doubt (giving it 2-3 years).

Yes, she worked in social care before arriving. She did meet my family and they like her but said marriage so early might be unwise. I've asked if she can start applying to social work jobs and she says she'll try now. She only has a month left though on her visa so it is tricky

OP posts:
MarkingBad · 28/09/2024 19:47

K900 · 28/09/2024 18:54

I appreciate your lovely words, Thank you very much for that. It has been a couple days since I said I wasn't ready to get married. I was quite sad, a couple days after I said this I came out of the train station coming back from work, and she lovelingly surprised me at the train station. I have to say I was happy she was there. We spoke about the marriage thing and she is disappointed with my choice but says she respects my decision. She said the only option left for her now is to try and get an employment permit in Ireland or else she will have to leave. She said there is a opportunity available in Portugal where you can stay for 5 years and get EU residency, however she said she doesn't think she'd try this as she doesn't want to struggle for 5 years in a place working for little money. She said she loves Ireland and Europe is her dream. She says she will be sad if she has to go back to Chile. I did ask her to just stick it out in Portugal for the 5 years, as she has a friend who is doing that now there. But she is adamant she will not go there, as she went to Portugal a few years ago for a few months and didn't like it. The whole situation is a bit stressful for both of us.

“Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, not even if your whole world seems upset.”

This nugget has come to me several times in your thread because as much as we might try, we cannot always give what is wanted. It is an easy way to drive ourselves insane and make decisions we come to regret.

I am so glad to hear you know you can do no more right now and are sticking by your decision. You are so lovely but you are also vulnerable with the turmoil it has caused you. It's time to look after yourself and keep yourself safe and draw strength from having made the right decision with all that you had to hand. You've done enough, you have done more than enough, and yo have come to a sensible conclusion with all that is going on, for that I admire you.

A little hardship is a handy tool, it helps us grow and strive not just survive so to help her the ball must be in her court now. She is the only one who can do this for herself. When does your GF visa run out?

HornyHornersPinkyWinky · 28/09/2024 20:33

K900 · 28/09/2024 19:06

Yup, I know. If I hadn't asked on her for advice I probably would have went ahead with the Marriage. But that is now out the window at the moment. I'n just looking at other options she can have to remain in Europe. If there is none I will miss her a lot as she deserves to live in a country she wants to be happy in

I'm sorry OP, you seem really down about the whole thing. I'd say it's hard to see where this goes - but really, if Europe is her dream, as she said - then she needs to be more flexible.
She doesn't have many options left in Ireland, it would make sense to try another EU country for a while.

K900 · 03/10/2024 10:12

MarkingBad · 28/09/2024 19:47

“Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, not even if your whole world seems upset.”

This nugget has come to me several times in your thread because as much as we might try, we cannot always give what is wanted. It is an easy way to drive ourselves insane and make decisions we come to regret.

I am so glad to hear you know you can do no more right now and are sticking by your decision. You are so lovely but you are also vulnerable with the turmoil it has caused you. It's time to look after yourself and keep yourself safe and draw strength from having made the right decision with all that you had to hand. You've done enough, you have done more than enough, and yo have come to a sensible conclusion with all that is going on, for that I admire you.

A little hardship is a handy tool, it helps us grow and strive not just survive so to help her the ball must be in her court now. She is the only one who can do this for herself. When does your GF visa run out?

Runs out in 1 month

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 03/10/2024 10:22

HidingFromDD · 21/09/2024 10:15

Have you earned 30k for two years? You need to check the rules but it’s nowhere as easy as ‘get married she can live here’. That’s just practicalities. For the other stuff, it’s way too soon and you can’t know her well enough. If she is pushing for a visa the next thing will be an ‘accidental’ baby to strengthen her case. Then what happens if you split up and she takes the child back to child with her?

This. It just isn't as simple as that, legally. Also, it's just too soon, you don't know enough about each other at only six months in.

K900 · 03/10/2024 11:23

Is there any way she can stay in the country or Europe without getting married? Does anyone know of any countries that sponsor social workers? I work with a few South African workers in my job, and my job isn't a critical skills job

OP posts:
FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 03/10/2024 11:27

K900 · 03/10/2024 11:23

Is there any way she can stay in the country or Europe without getting married? Does anyone know of any countries that sponsor social workers? I work with a few South African workers in my job, and my job isn't a critical skills job

She should have applied for a visa to do that and looked into these things before coming to Ireland. Her visa runs out in a month. No scheme of sponsorship (if it existed) would be established within a month. The people you work with obviously took responsibility to ensure they had the right visas to work in the EU.
Her plan was to convince some man to marry her immediately, you still can't see that.

K900 · 03/10/2024 11:41

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 03/10/2024 11:27

She should have applied for a visa to do that and looked into these things before coming to Ireland. Her visa runs out in a month. No scheme of sponsorship (if it existed) would be established within a month. The people you work with obviously took responsibility to ensure they had the right visas to work in the EU.
Her plan was to convince some man to marry her immediately, you still can't see that.

Well I don't know if that was actually her plan but I have shut that option down. Just wondering what work permit options are available and how long does it generally take?

OP posts:
murasaki · 03/10/2024 12:02

Why is she not doing any of the research into this?

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 03/10/2024 12:41

K900 · 03/10/2024 11:41

Well I don't know if that was actually her plan but I have shut that option down. Just wondering what work permit options are available and how long does it generally take?

Tell her to go find out.

TheReturnOfFeathersMcGraw · 03/10/2024 15:07

The very fact that she is not the one running around trying to find another option to stay, heavily suggests that she is trying to force you into marriage. You might have taken that off the table for now, but she knows you're a soft touch (sorry, but you obviously are by what you're posting) and she will keep laying it on heavy until the very last moment.

If she really and truly wanted to be with you, she would be searching and asking these questions herself...

murasaki · 03/10/2024 15:12

I suspect she's planning on staying illegally as before, and battering you into submission re marriage. But as she'd be an over stayer by then, it won't work. With a month to go, she's got no chance of sorting this legally before her time is up. She'll need to go home, and you both figure out what to do from there. If anything.

K900 · 03/10/2024 15:39

murasaki · 03/10/2024 15:12

I suspect she's planning on staying illegally as before, and battering you into submission re marriage. But as she'd be an over stayer by then, it won't work. With a month to go, she's got no chance of sorting this legally before her time is up. She'll need to go home, and you both figure out what to do from there. If anything.

Yeah seems like the only option unfortunately. I was going to let her stay in my family house to save some money but I think that could be bad idea. She gives me the idea what she doesn't have much other options. It's a shame

OP posts:
K900 · 03/10/2024 15:49

TheReturnOfFeathersMcGraw · 03/10/2024 15:07

The very fact that she is not the one running around trying to find another option to stay, heavily suggests that she is trying to force you into marriage. You might have taken that off the table for now, but she knows you're a soft touch (sorry, but you obviously are by what you're posting) and she will keep laying it on heavy until the very last moment.

If she really and truly wanted to be with you, she would be searching and asking these questions herself...

The first time she mentioned marriage was around 3 months in, in a kind of joking manner. But the past few months she said this is the only option if she is to stay here. I've never had somebody care for me so much in my life, so I guess that makes this whole process very hard. It is hard to let someone go when they have shown me so much affection and love. I have asked her to look into alternatives, she said she'll try but she doesn't think it will be much good. The whole situation gives me a headache and makes me a bit depressed a lot of the time. I have spent every weekend the last 6 months with this girl so it will be hard to not have that anymore

OP posts:
murasaki · 03/10/2024 15:57

Sorry, but she is showing you love to get you to marry her. She needs to go home, and if it's real, you'll figure out a plan.

murasaki · 03/10/2024 16:08

I think she can see you have been short of love in your life, and is exploiting that. Sorry.

K900 · 03/10/2024 17:16

murasaki · 03/10/2024 16:08

I think she can see you have been short of love in your life, and is exploiting that. Sorry.

Maybe, maybe not. I know she also hasn't really been in a relationship before either so I think the love is genuine. I think the situation just makes things complicated, if I had known the complications of this visa situation I might have made a different choice at the beginning. But I'm happy I got to experience our 6 months together and travel and enjoy being with each other

OP posts:
FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 03/10/2024 17:28

K900 · 03/10/2024 15:39

Yeah seems like the only option unfortunately. I was going to let her stay in my family house to save some money but I think that could be bad idea. She gives me the idea what she doesn't have much other options. It's a shame

Please don't let her stay anywhere when her visa is up, you could face criminal charges for knowingly assisting a non-EU national to reside in the country illegally. She will definitely be sent back and not be returning in that case.

She might have love bombed you enough to make you feel guilty that she has no other choices, she does. She could have sorted this out herself properly in the first place or she can go home.

You sound very inexperienced and she's taken advantage of that. You want to believe she's lovely and wonderful and everything else, she used you. If she loved you she would be doing everything she can to find a legal way back on a long term working visa that doesn't require marriage and go home in the meantime.

murasaki · 03/10/2024 19:43

I think you need to treat it as a lovely summer fling that you will look back on fondly in later years and move on.

Katiesaidthat · 04/10/2024 13:43

K900 · 23/09/2024 22:16

She says she wouldn't want to live illegally as she didn't like it in Spain. I have to point out that she hasn't lived illegally for years in another country. She lived in Spain legally to start with but after a few months the government there didn't really care so she just stayed a few extra months before she decided what to do. She then saved her money to move to Ireland this year on a student visa to learn English and travel. We just ended up meeting on Tinder and having a nice connection. She is saving her money at the moment because she says she doesn't want to stay illegally because it will be difficult for her to get a paying job. She is currently working as she has a student visa but that runs out soon. You can't really do much here in Ireland as an illegal immigrant, as you can't get any legal job

After two year living legally in Spain she is entitled to request Spanish nationality. Just saying.

baileys6904 · 04/10/2024 14:15

K900 · 28/09/2024 19:03

This is quite interesting, could you provide more information or a link with this. I could let her know this.

Look at local authorities websites at the job vacancies and see if sponsorship is available on the vacancy.

I'm surprised she hasn't done this already if she is so desperate to stay

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