Marrying my non EU partner good idea?

[K900]

Hi all,

My girlfriends visa expires soon and the only way for her to stay in the country will be to get married. I do love this girl but marriage does scare me as I never thought I'd get married this young. However if I don't marry her I will likely never see her again. Also marriage would open up a lot of doors for her in the future and give her the chance at a much better life. I enjoy spending time with her and feel I would miss her a lot if she was to leave. I think I'd be willing to give marriage a go with her as I'd really like to spend more time with her and give her a much better quality of life. If it didn't work out after a few years we could always separate I guess? Has anyone ever been in this situation or have any experience like this. We have been together 6 months. It seems a bit surreal to me but I don't want to lose this girl from my life forever. She is from Chile and I live in Ireland. Thanks

Yes, I was thinking of the white knight analogy in my head I guess for a while. I would say I'm a kind and caring person. I think what you say makes sense

She says she wouldn't want to live illegally as she didn't like it in Spain. I have to point out that she hasn't lived illegally for years in another country. She lived in Spain legally to start with but after a few months the government there didn't really care so she just stayed a few extra months before she decided what to do. She then saved her money to move to Ireland this year on a student visa to learn English and travel. We just ended up meeting on Tinder and having a nice connection. She is saving her money at the moment because she says she doesn't want to stay illegally because it will be difficult for her to get a paying job. She is currently working as she has a student visa but that runs out soon. You can't really do much here in Ireland as an illegal immigrant, as you can't get any legal job

I think you are wise to go with the LTR for some time. Sometimes a break from each other can be eye opening. It will give you a chance to think things through with less pressure.

It's hard to do especially when you think she is as in love with you as you are with her. If that's real you will find out.

In you conversations around this topic if you have them with her, keep an eye out for any manipulative behaviour or speech. If you are unsure whether it is manipulative just ask us.

I really hope that whatever is right for you happens for you.

Well you do, it's a questionnaire and statutory declaration that you complete and sign in front of two witnesses. 60 euro fee, four months before wedding date. How will this Danish wedding venue have access to your passport number and your PPS number, as well as copies of your birth certificate, parents names and mothers maiden name?

All this information and the forms are online at the Dept of Foreign Affairs website, as well as the Citizen Information website on marrying abroad and legal requirements.

Oh OP. This has red flags waving all over it.

I married a non EU national, but we had been together for 5 years and living together for 3, and he didn't need to marry me for a visa. And that was nearly 25 years ago.

You have only been together for 6 months and you have very limited experience of relationships. I'm afraid it really does sound as if this woman is trying to manipulate you in order to get a visa. That doesn't mean that she doesn't like you - she may well enjoy your company - but it does mean that the visa is her top priority, and she is using you to get it.

Please don't tie yourself into this mess - yes, you could divorce her in a few years time if it doesn't work out, but it will be messy and expensive. Why burden yourself with that?

Tell her to go back to Chile and you will join her there for a while. See how she reacts.

If you need to ask the question, the answer is "No".

There’s plenty of good advice here, OP. Listen to what people are saying about the visa issue. You can’t be sure that it’s part of it.
If she can’t cope with a long distance relationship, then does she really want to be with you?? Sounds manipulative.

If you’re not sure, don’t marry her. You could well regret it.

I'll try my best to approach this subject. I have to say it's very tough because I'm wary of her situation as well so it is quite tough. She has shown me nothing but love and care when I kind of needed it the most in my life so I do feel between two minds all the time with what to do. Last night she stayed with me in my house as her place has a mice problem at the moment. Also, on Instagram she does put up lovely stuff of us as well and it does touch me a lot to be honest

Oh OP, she's playing you like the entire string section of the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra.

If she wasn't, she'd take the LDR option on board.

@K900 Is there a long, long history on her Instagram with all her travels and no other relationships at all?

You just drip fed that you were in a vulnerable position and she was there for you, trauma bonding isn't love. You feel you owe her something now. Were you in this position when you met? Or just unfortunate coincidence something horrific happened to you while you only knew this woman for a few weeks?

You seem to be making so many excuses as to why you can't just try long distance, trauma bonding explains that a bit. This isn't a healthy relationship at all.

@murasaki put it perfectly, you are being played.

TBH I don't see what else you can do.

Plan A - If your DP is honest and not after a visa and is truly kind and loves you, tell her you don't have the time to sort out a wedding, she can't work as an illegal or won't find it easy to find a job as an illegal, the only way is for her to go travelling again or back to Chile for now. A long distance LTR and time to do the research and gather information. You will also have time to find out more about each other.

Plan B - If she isn't honest and TBH from what you say here Plan B is already in action, she will move into your home in bits, stop studying and working, trap and leach off you until she decides to move on to sunnier pastures. Mouse problems are not a reason to stay at your house, they really aren't. Problem is you are in a pink bubble of loveliness you can't see it yet - when you do see it and you will eventually, the fall out and consequences will be far worse than the manipulation and bad feelings you will get when you ask her for the long distance relationship.

Plan C - She gets pregnant. Don't trust anyone telling you they make their own contraceptive arrangements, too many people men and women get caught out that way. A child doesn't shore up shaky foundations and the poor thing will only get caught in the middle.

Plan A is the only realistic option for you right now, it will be far worse if you go with B or C. As an intelligent, albeit lovesick man, wouldn't you rather have Plan A?

At some point soon you will have to bite that bullet. You could try to tell her you cannot marry right now because you have looked at all the options that you might help her with but there are no options that way right now. That you want to try the long distance LTR as it won't be difficult, you can make it work. She can't live with you right now because of her visa and that you want everything to be right and legal so you can have a proper adult relationship with her.

Don't let her move in, you need to protect your space, if she loves you she will respect that. If she doesn't she will start manipulating you even more. Unfortunately @murasaki has hit the nail on the head.

All the time you are with someone unsuitable, they are wasting your time, energy and emotions, when you come to realise this, anyone wasting your time will make you cross. From the way you are being played, she is taking up your time and headspace and it could be too late for a family by the time you realise that. Plenty of fish out in the Irish sea.

If you really thought it was a good idea to marry her, you wouldn't be asking strangers on the internet.

Go with your gut on this one. If you're meant to be together, you'll eventually find your way back to each other.

If you are seeking advice and reassurance from strangers, you know it's not a good idea.

Snap!

Especially if every stranger says it's a terrible idea.

I think the thing with long distance is that we don't know if it would work. Also, I suppose because Chile is such a long distance I just don't know with the logistics of the whole thing

Thanks for this comment, it makes a good bit of sense. I just have to be brave enough I suppose to insist on the LTR first as I really don't want to rush into anything. I will try and ease this option with her over the next few days.

People made long distance work before video calls even existed, it's not difficult.

You're always welcome.

Personally I'd pull the plaster off, a full frank and honest 1 time only conversation is much kinder on you both than a slow reveal. That way if she is honest and true she can make her decision without feeling strung along, and if she does want this relationship with you she will accept it as the only way for now.

If she isn't honest it gives her less chance to wheedle her way around it while she still has you wrapped around her finger.

I had a 7 year LTR with a lovely man working in another time zone. We made time and space for each other, sent presents, talked for hours online and made phonecalls and wrote letters, postcards etc. We couldn't live together at the time but we could spend time together which was so very important to us both. It absolutely can work if you are both honest and want it to work.

Yep. All the OP's posts SCREAM this.

Because of course everyone who's being cheating on knows they're being cheated on...

Next thing she'll be pregnant.

I would throw this one back in the sea.

If you have an EU passport yourself from Ireland, all you have to do is move to another EU country and exercise treaty right there, as soon as you can work in the other country. Spain would be the easiest being that you don't need to marry, just go to the local council ( ayuntamiento) and declare yourself pareja de hecho ( same value than marriage for visas or EU treaty rights, from there if you exercise treaty rights in Spain then you can get the EU family card for her so she can work legally . It is OK to live with her and enjoy your life while you can with her , speciality if good company, just don't get too attached so you are not too heartbroken if she leaves you once she has her EU passport or if you need to live or things don't work out. Also sign a separation de bienes so your finances are totally separate within and after separation, so you don't lose financially a penny . Obviously if you have children you will have to support them but make sure you don't have them until you know her well enough that you can be certain that she will let you be in their lives even after separation. Nothing can be certain with any relationship, and often you can't think in the forever but just enjoying what life has to offer while you are experiencing it and if it doesn't work, move on to something else. The good experiences while living if they were good, even if afterward turn sour and bad, they would have been real at the time and life experience. Just take only sensible risk, don't risk your economic future or present , but give it a chance I suppose, it could be good while it last at least.

Interesting stuff, I looked it up (slow week).

From what I could see the OP would need a residency in Spain and he and DP would have to live together in Spain for 1-2 years continuously with no other partners in one area in order to qualify for this particular civil partnership? This would only qualify DP as residency in Spain rather than the EU. If the OP wants to do that, it is worth noting the following from Ireland's Immmigration website

"Civil partnerships registered abroad since 16 May 2016 are not recognised in Ireland."

I couldn't find any info about whether this means for DP to apply and receive EU citizenship the OP and DP have to live and work in Spain for another 5 years before DP can apply for EU citizenship? Or if the civil partnership was ended whether DP would continue her residency in Spain? If they stayed together would they both have to remain in Spain since Ireland wouldn't recognise their civil partnership and DP only has residency in Spain at that point I'm assuming DP couldn't apply for EU citizenship from Ireland in that case?

I'm happy to be corrected in this as I can over complicate things and it sounds like a complex process.

Nope, we literally spend every minute of our availability with each other