Fiancé wants to go "on a break" but I'm 36 weeks pregnant

[DogMamma2024]

Hi there, I'm not sure if anyone will even reply to this but I've been really struggling with this for over a week or so and I just don't know what else to do...

My fiance and I have been together three years and have had a really good relationship up until the past few months. We are suffering with a lot of external stress as we have an ongoing issue with a neighbour and an open stalking and harassment case with the police involving this neighbour. In the past few months this has intensified and my partner has been trying to shoulder most of it so it doesn't cause any issues with myself or the baby as we all know excessive stress can be harmful for babies development. I have noticed that our relationship has started to dwindle and we are more similar to being roommates at this stage rather than being in a supportive relationship. He is supportive of the pregnancy in so far as checking in with me regarding babies movements and how I'm feeling and attending appointments however, anything else is non-existent.

The past four weeks have been very difficult as he sat me down as said he can't take all of the stress anymore (job stress, harassment stress from the neighbour, family pressure etc.) and he said he was aware that he had been distant and not there to support me when I needed it and he had noticed that I had been feeling down and lonely but he just couldn't give me what I was needing. He then had said if I had not been so far along in pregnancy that I could have gone to stay with my family (they live 2 hours away) while he tried to sort his head out and get back to being the person that I fell in love with. I had said that obviously wasn't an option given my due date and I shouldn't have to leave my home for him to 'get better', but I can understand that he needs to make some sort of change to feel more mentally well. Since this initial discussion he has moved into the spare room and we are trialing some sort of odd 'separation' which I am struggling with. He had said he doesn't know if we should be together anymore and he wants to just see if he can 'get himself back' before the baby arrives because he wants to be the best dad he can be. I obviously want that for the baby too but I'm struggling to cope with how I'm feeling and the uncertainty that this is bringing at this time.

He has made a new friend, which is great, I have no problems with that and I am usually a very tolerant, chilled out person so we can go and do separate things and I don't mind. However, since he mentioned that he made this new friend (who is a female, again usually I wouldn't have an issue with this) he has been hanging out with her every night after work, so finishing at 5:30, showered, changed and out the house for 6pm and then not home until 9pm some nights I've started feeling very sad, lonely, unwanted and jealous. I don't understand how he doesn't have the mental energy to put into our relationship but he can go all these nice places with this new person instead? I told him the other day I had resigned myself to knowing that it was over between us and I gave him my ring back. He had asked me to not give up on him and assured me this person was just a friend. She has no interest in a relationship as her fiance recently left her at the altar. For as much as he says he loves me and he is positive about the future and everything will settle when the baby gets here, I have less hope than that. I know babies rarely keep people together and since we live in the same town as his family (and my support is over 2 hours away) I am feeling increasingly more isolated and that I'm almost 'paying pretend' that it will all be fine when the baby is here.

I guess I'm just wondering if I should set more boundaries in place as he's wanting the seperation, ie. Different bathrooms, he can do his own food shop, washing etc and ask him to stop saying "I love you" and using terms of endearment? I'm finding it so confusing that he says he loves me and then leaves to go and have a lovely time with his new friend while I sit in the house and get things ready for the baby.

I'm also starting to think if it was the other way around would he like me spending lots of time with some attractive man while he couldn't do things at home - the answer to that is definitely no. But then I'm thinking do I just give him as much space as I can (considering we still live in the same house and both work from home) and hope that he works it out before baby gets here. Or do I just resign myself to the fact he doesn't want to be with me but it too scared to actually say it?

If you've made it to the end of this I really appreciate it. The situation is so rubbish I don't even know what I'm looking for here, just someone to maybe have some encouragement that it won't end horribly - even if that just means baby and I will be fine with or without him. Thanks again 💕

This. He wants you to finish with him so he doesn’t look like the villain he is. Unfortunately, you have little option but to give him what he wants.

What a prince amongst men!

he has been hanging out with her every night after work, so finishing at 5:30, showered, changed and out the house for 6pm and then not home until 9pm some nights?

Read that back to yourself. Then read it as though your best friend said it. It screams affair and you shouldn't accept this behaviour even if you weren't about to give birth to his baby. He is treating you appallingly because he thinks you are trapped and won't say anything. Find your anger OP, and let him have it.

Do not give the baby his name, do not put him on the birth certificate, even if he comes crawling back. He doesn't deserve the honour or respect that a true father would have.

As others said - grab a couple of suitcases and move back with your family before the birth. That way you won't be stuck in an area where you have no support network. If you do end up reconciling (bad idea) then no harm done. And give baby your own name.

being a good dad does not start when the baby is born - it started when he or she was conceived.
can you go live with your family? He needs to work harder to keep you
honestly love you are heavily pregnant and top toeing around him - he’s a loser treating you this way you deserve better

This is such a sad post. I'm so sorry you are being treated like this OP.

I agree with the other posters. He is in or wants to be in a relationship with this other woman. How dare he ask you to move out. I know you won't but I'd be so tempted to have the baby and land the baby back with him so his life isn't as disrupted as he things it will be. I'm so angry on your behalf. How fucking dare he treat you like this.

What a pathetic excuse for a man. Selfish C.

Dump him and move to be close to your family.

Can you tell us about your finances and working situation? No good will come of making an effort with this weak self centred man, and there is a strong argument for you to move near your family and support centre now before baby is born, but your job makes a big difference there.
in the meantime, no you should not be cooking or shopping for him. Ask him what he’s doing to prepare for there being a baby, none of the prep happens by magic.

He’s soft launching leaving you for her. I’m so sorry OP.

"I told him the other day I had resigned myself to knowing that it was over between us and I gave him my ring back. He had asked me to not give up on him and assured me this person was just a friend."

That was an exceptionally cruel thing to do to you - he's treating you like that, but you're the one expected to 'not give up on him'? Bastard. He's keeping you dangling, on the back burner, in reserve; in case his 'friendship' doesn't work out. Bastard!

"I guess I'm just wondering if I should set more boundaries in place as he's wanting the seperation, ie. Different bathrooms, he can do his own food shop, washing etc and ask him to stop saying "I love you" and using terms of endearment? I'm finding it so confusing that he says he loves me and then leaves to go and have a lovely time with his new friend while I sit in the house and get things ready for the baby."

Yes, you definitely need more boundaries in place. In particular, you need to tell him to move out. You stay in the same town as his family, so he can move there. Today. No more allowing yourself to be dangled - right now he feels in control of your relationship, that it stands or falls on his say-so. Ah, the power! Particularly attractive to him right now with all the powerlessness he is presumably feeling.

So - no more! It stands or falls on YOUR say-so, and you must say - 'No more. Get out. You have already left me emotionally, for my welfare I need you to leave physically. Get out. Go live with your parents. Go.' Do not back down on this. Right now, living as he is - his pleasure in having power over your relationship, over you, will just harden and that will ensure your relationship is over. Possibly - and it is a very small possibly - making it clear to him that he has no power over you may shock him out of his current path. I wouldn't count on it. And TBH, in your shoes I think I'd be seeing him in a new light, as a total stranger who bears a remarkable resemblance to the man I once loved. This man - this stranger - takes his stresses out on the person he should love and protect. That's not a man you should tie yourself to.

YANBU - on a basic level it’s both of you having a baby so why are you left doing the admin and prep.

its hard having a baby and you feel lonely/isolated at times due to the life changes and unpredictable nature of babies eg cancelling plans due to a bad night/they are ill- so you will be dangerously at risk of post natal depression if you’re going through that alone whilst fiancé is galavanting with another woman.

Please move back to your family where you are safe from this and the stalker?! It’s a no brainer . Plus if he does come to his senses etc the baby won’t remember the first year so you could always move back together no harm done.

you deserve better and so does your baby. You will need someone to hold the baby for an hour so you can nap or shower in the newborn phase and feed you. This man isn’t going to be it and you will feel terrible. Don’t do this to yourself. Leave for a while, see if it improves. Best of luck x

Good Lord! He's out with a female friend and you're 36 weeks pg - i would be jealous as hell! Well out of order.

He needs an ultimatum: shape up or ship out!

If they’re not having an affair he definitely wants to. If you were my daughter I’d tell you to leave him and come home. He’s taking the piss out of you. Don’t even tell him you’re leaving,just pack up and go. Life’s far too short to spend precious time with a prick like that.

Are you letting this scumbag back into your bed every night after he's been doing god knows what with another woman?

The first thing you need to do right now today is tell him he is not sleeping in your bed anymore. Tell him to pack a bag and move in with her.

as others have said, you need to move now to where your support network is

any man who can do what he is currently doing is not going to suddenly become a good partner and father to your child.

I know it's extremely upsetting at the moment but you must keep a clear and level head and fight for your corner and fight for your child.

I totally agree with this.. please be strong and think of you and the baby you deserve so much better ❤️

what an utter Rat.
total blatent arsewankery - this is going sound as horrible as he is but
when somebody acts like they dont care about you,believe them.
Its non negotiable. hes blew it. can you go to mums? do it

I think this is it in a nutshell.

Indeed, but I would sure as hell be ensuring the baby had my surname.

I knew there was a woman before you said there was. Move back to family if it's easier.

Totally agree with all the good advice here.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you but it's absolutely his loss!!
I'd be tempted to mess with his head a bit and hint at the idea you may well put his baby up for adoption. Controversial I know but just a bluff..
It's just so unfair, he thinks he can do what he likes whilst you grow his baby!
So I would challenge that status quo.. and leave him not knowing either way what you did, when you had the baby.. have him crawling back and then dump him!

Didn't want to read and run, I agree with all that is been said in the previous comments. I'm so sorry your going through this and when it should be a really happy time for you. You do need to decide of you'd be happier with your family or in the place your are now (without him). Don't be ashamed to admit to people what he has done - he does not deserve protecting and this is not your fault. I also would not pit his name on the birth cert as I think he will use this against you in the future.

Regardless if he is having an affair which js disgusting if he is why are folks saying don't put him on the birth certificate? He's the father that isn't going yo help the child like seriously petty Much. He is still biological the father so should be on the birth certificate why play games

He can still be a dad without been named on the birth cert. If he has PR then he could dictate where the OP lives and have a bigger hold over her life when he decides to grow up. He's acting irresponsibly so I would not want the next 18 years having to run all major changes by him.

@ this is something called the slow fade. They slowly fade out of the relationship as it's easier on them. Mental health issue excuses first then it's stress or depression or something else. Then it's he needs space/time away from the relationship to get him self back or get help etc.
it's bull shit. Men are not tht complicated.
He has checked out of the relationship I am sorry.
Sadly it's a choice lovely & he is actively choosing to do these things and choosing tgai women over his pregnant girlfriend. He is 100% cheating even if it's only emotional but will end up physical soon.
This isn't love as if he loved you he would just say look I don't this relationship anymore but support you with the baby.
It's a choice!
Do not let him treat you this way please don't any more. He needs to stay away from you can you go to your family for now ?

@DogMamma2024

Honestly, I'd seriously consider going 'home'. I know you're 36 weeks and the thought of giving birth in a 'new' location/hospital is daunting, but as long as you would be able to be seen right away for 'intake' & have your records transferred, it's what I'd do. It's not impossible, Forces members and Forces wives face this every day with changes of duty station. And you'd be in familiar surroundings with your family to support you. Just give it some serious thought.

I agree with others that he's checked out. He's trying to be 'the good guy' here, but once the immediate need to support you is gone, what then? Is he going to then skip off into the sunset leaving you with a tiny baby? Another reason to be back home.

Look, maybe he's having some sort of crisis and it will pass or maybe he's just 'done'. That doesn't matter right now, what matters is that you need to be in a place of security and peace until after the baby is born. There will be plenty of time then to figure out where it all goes from here.