Fiancé wants to go "on a break" but I'm 36 weeks pregnant

[DogMamma2024]

Hi there, I'm not sure if anyone will even reply to this but I've been really struggling with this for over a week or so and I just don't know what else to do...

My fiance and I have been together three years and have had a really good relationship up until the past few months. We are suffering with a lot of external stress as we have an ongoing issue with a neighbour and an open stalking and harassment case with the police involving this neighbour. In the past few months this has intensified and my partner has been trying to shoulder most of it so it doesn't cause any issues with myself or the baby as we all know excessive stress can be harmful for babies development. I have noticed that our relationship has started to dwindle and we are more similar to being roommates at this stage rather than being in a supportive relationship. He is supportive of the pregnancy in so far as checking in with me regarding babies movements and how I'm feeling and attending appointments however, anything else is non-existent.

The past four weeks have been very difficult as he sat me down as said he can't take all of the stress anymore (job stress, harassment stress from the neighbour, family pressure etc.) and he said he was aware that he had been distant and not there to support me when I needed it and he had noticed that I had been feeling down and lonely but he just couldn't give me what I was needing. He then had said if I had not been so far along in pregnancy that I could have gone to stay with my family (they live 2 hours away) while he tried to sort his head out and get back to being the person that I fell in love with. I had said that obviously wasn't an option given my due date and I shouldn't have to leave my home for him to 'get better', but I can understand that he needs to make some sort of change to feel more mentally well. Since this initial discussion he has moved into the spare room and we are trialing some sort of odd 'separation' which I am struggling with. He had said he doesn't know if we should be together anymore and he wants to just see if he can 'get himself back' before the baby arrives because he wants to be the best dad he can be. I obviously want that for the baby too but I'm struggling to cope with how I'm feeling and the uncertainty that this is bringing at this time.

He has made a new friend, which is great, I have no problems with that and I am usually a very tolerant, chilled out person so we can go and do separate things and I don't mind. However, since he mentioned that he made this new friend (who is a female, again usually I wouldn't have an issue with this) he has been hanging out with her every night after work, so finishing at 5:30, showered, changed and out the house for 6pm and then not home until 9pm some nights I've started feeling very sad, lonely, unwanted and jealous. I don't understand how he doesn't have the mental energy to put into our relationship but he can go all these nice places with this new person instead? I told him the other day I had resigned myself to knowing that it was over between us and I gave him my ring back. He had asked me to not give up on him and assured me this person was just a friend. She has no interest in a relationship as her fiance recently left her at the altar. For as much as he says he loves me and he is positive about the future and everything will settle when the baby gets here, I have less hope than that. I know babies rarely keep people together and since we live in the same town as his family (and my support is over 2 hours away) I am feeling increasingly more isolated and that I'm almost 'paying pretend' that it will all be fine when the baby is here.

I guess I'm just wondering if I should set more boundaries in place as he's wanting the seperation, ie. Different bathrooms, he can do his own food shop, washing etc and ask him to stop saying "I love you" and using terms of endearment? I'm finding it so confusing that he says he loves me and then leaves to go and have a lovely time with his new friend while I sit in the house and get things ready for the baby.

I'm also starting to think if it was the other way around would he like me spending lots of time with some attractive man while he couldn't do things at home - the answer to that is definitely no. But then I'm thinking do I just give him as much space as I can (considering we still live in the same house and both work from home) and hope that he works it out before baby gets here. Or do I just resign myself to the fact he doesn't want to be with me but it too scared to actually say it?

If you've made it to the end of this I really appreciate it. The situation is so rubbish I don't even know what I'm looking for here, just someone to maybe have some encouragement that it won't end horribly - even if that just means baby and I will be fine with or without him. Thanks again 💕

She can use her own name on the birth cert because they're not married, so that this dirtbag doesn't get parental rights and the chance to shit on her from a great height for eighteen years.

You are not obliged to out the father's / sperm donor's name on the birth cert. Absolutely not.

It makes an enormous difference. The parental rights that come with the name on the birth cert mean he could - without any loving or respectful relationship with the mother - demand she get his permission to get the child a passport, get his permission to take the child on a foreign holiday, get his permission to have the child vaccinated, get his permission to have the child baptised or not baptised, and much, much more.

He can petition the court to have his name added if he is serious about being a father and being a respectful co-parent.

None of this is ok and you don’t have to tolerate it. He’s useless and sounds like he is very immature - frankly you deserve much more. Wishing you lots of luck xx

I’m furious for you. However maybe he is just struggling. But if he’s struggling now m, having a baby will hit him hard. Could he go on a solo holiday now? Have a break clear his head? I would STRONGLy suggest you don’t split now and try to have him fully involved in birth and afterwards. Frankly on a practical level you need all the support you can get. I’d also get more support for baby early days, family members or paid. Make life easier for you both to reduce pressure. Having a baby will totally change how you each feel and can bring a flood of love and togetherness even to relationships which are struggling. But it’s also very hard work, loss sleep etc so can strain even good relationships. If a few weeks in he’s more work than help then you might want to split

It sounds like you need to make the decision that it's over and move out asap

Affair.

So sorry. Hope you and baby are OK.

Go home to your family. You need someone’s support, who loves you and is there for you at the birth. Someone, who you can 100% rely on, who will comfort you be with you for a lot of the time in hospital if you need to stay in. Who will get you food, hold the baby for a while so you can rest.

That is not this man. Do not underestimate how vulnerable you will be during and after giving birth.

And as a lot of others have mentioned, do not put his name on the BC. Having him on could bring you a lot of pain and it is not necessary to claim child support. Give your baby your name - traditionally children actually get their mother’s name, just mostly mothers in the past were married.

He's about to be 50% responsible for a tiny, completely helpless new human being. That has to be his priority right now, ahead of neighbour issues or job issues or relationship issues or daily stresses or his social life or sorting his own head out (unless he has serious MH issues, but it doesn't sound like it). If he needed to get away to have some space to think or whatever, the time to do that was months ago, not when the baby is arriving any day - why didn't he?

You asked about setting boundaries - yes, absolutely do what you need to do and understand that there's no reason for you to feel guilty about that. You already know he's being unfair to you and putting his own needs first (for example, you've recognised how out of order it is for him to suggest YOU leave so he can decide whether and when he wants to break up with you - this is insanely selfish of him even leaving aside the pregnancy.) So trust your instincts; protect yourself and the baby. You very likely will legitimately need quite a bit of space and some downtime and recovery time after the birth; he should be doing everything he can to accommodate this for his baby's sake if not for yours.

He has essentially ended your relationship, with the proviso that he may decide to renew it again in the future. His timing sucks, but he does have the right to end his relationship WITH YOU if he chooses (and vice versa). But he cannot end his responsibility to his child. So do what's right for you and the baby, but don't let him off the hook for doing his share. (Note: I'm not disagreeing with the people who say use your name and leave him off the birth certificate - those things don't exempt him from his parental responsibilities either ethically or legally).

Leave. Don’t let him come to the birth. Have a friend or family member support you. I’m sorry but he’s having an affair and you deserve better.

Oh I'm so so sorry OP. I don't really have any advice just wanted to say what a shitty thing of him to do.

Gosh OP I was thinking when will you mention another woman and you did eventually. I think it’s clear from PP on here and I guess what you know as well.

I know you’re trying to stay calm for baby but gosh someone you love doing this to you at 36 weeks, under your nose spending time with someone else, having an affair and trying to dress it up as a mental health issue. What a cruel cruel man, undeserving of someone as understanding as you.

He has betrayed you. You need to tell his family what’s been going on and kick the mofo out.

He’s having an affair and he’s a bastard. Kick him out, obviously. But not put him on the birth certificate? You can’t just deny that he’s a father! This is an appalling thing to say, and is exactly why the law needs to be changed. You can’t just deny that someone is a father, regardless of whether he’s having an affair or not.

I’m very sorry but he’s lying when he says he loves you. No-one who loved you could treat you like this.

He is nasty.

He’s cheating in plain sight and you’ve been slowly boiled into just accepting it under his ‘mental health’ excuses. They are a special kind of vile, these men that cheat while their partners are pregnant, it’s such a risky thing to do.

My heart breaks for you. Sweetheart, you and your baby deserve more than this utter low life.

I’m really worried you did not come back to this thread, I’m guessing that you’ve read the responses and are in absolute shock. Please let us know that you’re both (you and baby) are ok.

And then plan to separate. Centre YOU and the baby moving forward. His access, his rights atm are secondary to your need for safety and support. So move home if you need to and do not put him on the birth certificate.

You are clearly so loving and kind and trusting but please listen to the wiser members of MN who have seen this play out time and time again.

He is not your friend. Do not offer him ANY concessions. You come first.

You can do this. Very unmumsnetty hug for you.

What a gorgeous, life affirming post

Regardless of whether he’s a bastard, he still has a right to be in the child’s life. You can’t just expunge him. It’s not all about child support! Outrageous.

Christ alive, what a piece of work he is!
Do you have anyone to talk to about this OP? What is the story with the stalking/harassment issue? Do you feel safe?
There's a combination of issues that means you are under a phenomenal amount of stress, and you sound isolated from your own family support.
In addition to being the actual person who is growing the baby, and all that physically and mentally entails, he's expecting you to prioritise his pathetic feelings and accommodate him doing exactly whatever it is he feels like doing.
It's abusive and he's a miserable wretch and a gaslighting coward who wants it all his way, regardless of the impact upon you and baby.
I think I'd be planning how to get him out of my life from this point on. He needs to bugger off out of your house, be honest about the fact that he's out of the relationship and go elsewhere.
Could a family member come and stay to support you for a while? I feel you need someone there for you, not just for the practical support, but so you don't have to deal with him messing with your head.

Hope you're ok. It might sound like we're all being a bit blunt but objectively reading what you've written, it's hard to see anything other than a devious, immature, self-serving man-child.
Please just focus solely on your own needs, you owe him nothing.

He is the child’s father and should have the rights of being a father. The law needs changing so that people with your outrageous views (‘sperm donor’) can be curtailed.

This. He's covering up. All this " I need to be a better person " shit is for his own benefit to try kid himself he's not a cheating scumbag.

Spoiler - he is a cheating scumbag

Dear OP , I suspect this unanimous mumsnet outpouring telling you what a shit he is has been upsetting to read.
However you need to take note. This man is actually the most pathetic callous bastard/ wanker/ dick/ cunt that Mumsnet has heard about all year.

End the relationship. He is waiting for you to do this so that he can tell others that you ended it not him.. He tried to tell you to move back to your family. coward ! He will then say that he didn’t have an affair but his new relationship started after you broke up and she understood his heart break. ( utter crap, the affair has been going on for ages)

Decide where you want to be a single mum and have support. Unless you have loads of local friends I would go back to your family . Think about Mat leave payments. You can always come back in a year if you needed to work.

Being left off the BC doesn't stop him being a father, but it will keep him from acquiring parental responsibility. This will prevent him from absconding with or refusing to return the baby. As another poster said, there's a woman currently posting about her ex refusing to return her 17-month-old and there is really nothing that can be done to legally stop him.

@DogMamma2024
Please get yourself back to the people who will love and support you- before the baby arrives. Today, if possible.

You can’t deny somebody parental rights on the vague off chance that they may abuse it. That’s like saying you shouldn’t allow men to marry because they might abuse the legal position. Parental rights are rights.

You can’t just “take time for yourself” because you are CARRYING his child, It’s selfish of him to try to use that as an excuse to get away from someone who has given their whole body and control of some bodily functions to bring your baby into the world.
He’s treating you like shit when you’re going through one of the most physically taxing experiences you can go through.
You deserve better.

He's found himself a new shiny model but he's so, so stressed that he asked YOU to move out?! I bet he did!!!! What a prick.
I think you should move away from the crazy neighbours and your bastard of a partner and go and live closer to your family.
Sorry these people are putting you through this.

oh, sweetheart. I can see that a lot of people have made comments, but you haven't replied yet, and it's going to be a lot to read through. And people feel very sorry for you and very cross with him, which is perhaps what you needed to hear to help you get perspective on what's happening, because you've just been alone with him, and feeling alone even with him, without any other opinion to support what you feel by instinct.

I am really glad you've spoken up about what's happening, because you really do need support with this. This first baby too, which is in itself way enough of a big thing to be getting ready for and thinking about.

So I'm going to summarise the important points, which many on here have mentioned one way and another:

• I'm afraid the friendship with this woman isn't innocent. It can't be, given how you've described it. The fact that she was left at the altar means she's been humiliated and feels betrayed and shocked, and she has needed a guy to make her feel better again. And your fiancé has picked up on this. Him regularly getting all ready and going to meet her every evening, whilst becoming just a 'friend' to you, saying he can't cope, distancing himself and even suggesting you could have gone to your family, is all definite signs of this. Also the line about 'she's only a friend' and, very tellingly, 'please let me have this friendship'. That shows how precious it is to him, and how much he doesn't want anything to stop it. Because he is infatuated and he is, physically, on a chemical high generated by his own body and stimulated by interaction with her. This is why he is being as he is being. Not because of the neighbour or anything else.

• Given the above, he is also trying to make sure that he is nice enough to you (in his eyes) as of course he will care about you, but I'm afraid again it sounds like he's trying to keep a lid on this until you've had the baby, or even to kind of split up before, without upsetting with the truth, and then of course you will be into a world where you're on your own with Baby and he has parental rights and is setting up with this woman and wanting to have the baby to stay with them, etc.

• This is the reason why you MUST NOT register the birth with him as the father, must not put him on the birth certificate. Because if you do, he will automatically have the same rights as you and be able to dictate what happens in terms of the baby's life, which also means your life. If you don't put him on, it doesn't mean that you don't say he's the father, it just means you don't allow him the automatic rights of a parent. I'm sure this goes against your love for him and what you feel is right and decent, but please take this advice. BECAUSE in having an affair now, and planning a future where he lives apart from you and takes the baby to him to be with this other person, he frankly doesn't deserve to be automatically allowed such power over the baby's and your life. YOU are the decent, responsible, honest parent. His behaviour is indefensible, but he sounds like generally a reasonable and decent person (which is why no doubt he's your fiancé) so he's trying to frame his behaviour and protect his 'rights' in a way that will be somehow acceptable.

• Make no mistake. What he's doing is not acceptable. I would be asking him to leave the house and someone from your family to move in to support you. Would this be possible?

So my main action points for you would be:

• Contact your family and explain the situation. Also very importantly explain to your health visitor/Midwife/GP so that you can get all support available through these last weeks of pregnancy, during the birth and afterwards with your baby.

• Gently but firmly get your head around this. He is in love with this woman. He plans not to be with you and the baby. Accept this because it is very obviously the case. Then you know what you are doing. And you already sound so amazingly level-headed, which shows what a wonderful mum you will be.

• Think of the baby. Life issues, where he or she lives, and how he or she has contact with their dad should be under your careful and decent control, this will be best for both of you, with support from your family and health visitor/etc. So DO NOT name him on the birth certificate. You can register this yourself. If he doesn't come with you or give official consent to be named, he will not be on it. You are NOT obliged to name him. Just put yourself.

• And at some point, not to long, get counselling for the grief and other feelings you will go through due to his infidelity.

Good luck, love, and feel free to PM me if that might help.

Sorry OP but it definitely sounds like an affair or him wanting an affair. Totally unacceptable he leaves you home alone every night but is claiming you need to give him time. Time for him to work out if he wants a relationship with this other woman no doubt. I’d go and stay with your family and leave him to it. It’s a horrible time for a break up but you will be ok OP. What an arse he is treating you like this.