Fiancé wants to go "on a break" but I'm 36 weeks pregnant

[DogMamma2024]

Hi there, I'm not sure if anyone will even reply to this but I've been really struggling with this for over a week or so and I just don't know what else to do...

My fiance and I have been together three years and have had a really good relationship up until the past few months. We are suffering with a lot of external stress as we have an ongoing issue with a neighbour and an open stalking and harassment case with the police involving this neighbour. In the past few months this has intensified and my partner has been trying to shoulder most of it so it doesn't cause any issues with myself or the baby as we all know excessive stress can be harmful for babies development. I have noticed that our relationship has started to dwindle and we are more similar to being roommates at this stage rather than being in a supportive relationship. He is supportive of the pregnancy in so far as checking in with me regarding babies movements and how I'm feeling and attending appointments however, anything else is non-existent.

The past four weeks have been very difficult as he sat me down as said he can't take all of the stress anymore (job stress, harassment stress from the neighbour, family pressure etc.) and he said he was aware that he had been distant and not there to support me when I needed it and he had noticed that I had been feeling down and lonely but he just couldn't give me what I was needing. He then had said if I had not been so far along in pregnancy that I could have gone to stay with my family (they live 2 hours away) while he tried to sort his head out and get back to being the person that I fell in love with. I had said that obviously wasn't an option given my due date and I shouldn't have to leave my home for him to 'get better', but I can understand that he needs to make some sort of change to feel more mentally well. Since this initial discussion he has moved into the spare room and we are trialing some sort of odd 'separation' which I am struggling with. He had said he doesn't know if we should be together anymore and he wants to just see if he can 'get himself back' before the baby arrives because he wants to be the best dad he can be. I obviously want that for the baby too but I'm struggling to cope with how I'm feeling and the uncertainty that this is bringing at this time.

He has made a new friend, which is great, I have no problems with that and I am usually a very tolerant, chilled out person so we can go and do separate things and I don't mind. However, since he mentioned that he made this new friend (who is a female, again usually I wouldn't have an issue with this) he has been hanging out with her every night after work, so finishing at 5:30, showered, changed and out the house for 6pm and then not home until 9pm some nights I've started feeling very sad, lonely, unwanted and jealous. I don't understand how he doesn't have the mental energy to put into our relationship but he can go all these nice places with this new person instead? I told him the other day I had resigned myself to knowing that it was over between us and I gave him my ring back. He had asked me to not give up on him and assured me this person was just a friend. She has no interest in a relationship as her fiance recently left her at the altar. For as much as he says he loves me and he is positive about the future and everything will settle when the baby gets here, I have less hope than that. I know babies rarely keep people together and since we live in the same town as his family (and my support is over 2 hours away) I am feeling increasingly more isolated and that I'm almost 'paying pretend' that it will all be fine when the baby is here.

I guess I'm just wondering if I should set more boundaries in place as he's wanting the seperation, ie. Different bathrooms, he can do his own food shop, washing etc and ask him to stop saying "I love you" and using terms of endearment? I'm finding it so confusing that he says he loves me and then leaves to go and have a lovely time with his new friend while I sit in the house and get things ready for the baby.

I'm also starting to think if it was the other way around would he like me spending lots of time with some attractive man while he couldn't do things at home - the answer to that is definitely no. But then I'm thinking do I just give him as much space as I can (considering we still live in the same house and both work from home) and hope that he works it out before baby gets here. Or do I just resign myself to the fact he doesn't want to be with me but it too scared to actually say it?

If you've made it to the end of this I really appreciate it. The situation is so rubbish I don't even know what I'm looking for here, just someone to maybe have some encouragement that it won't end horribly - even if that just means baby and I will be fine with or without him. Thanks again 💕

NOBODY is denying that he is the father. That is NOT why the OP is being advised not to put his name on the birth certificate. A man can be recognised as his child's father without being on the birth certificate, which is why you can claim child maintenance from him even if he doesn't have parental responsibility.

What leaving him off the birth certificate achieves is making it more difficult for him to abuse the OP and control her life. If he's not on the birth certificate and the OP thinks, "OK, fuck living in your town near your family while you shag your other woman, I'm going to move back home to where my support network is and if you want to see your child you'll have to get off your arse and visit", she can do exactly that. If he's on the birth certificate, he can stop her, and force her to remain somewhere she doesn't want to be living and has no support network until her child is grown up. If he's on the birth certificate he can refuse to lift a finger to help with his child and pay the bare minimum in maintenance whilst the OP has to pay for childcare so she can work, but refuse to allow her to move close to her mum who could help her out with childcare. If he's on the birth certificate he can refuse consent to her taking their child on holiday, or having vaccinations. Worst of all, he can take their child for contact and refuse to give them back.

There was a thread on here just yesterday by a distraught mother whose ex is refusing to return their 17 MONTH OLD daughter after contact, and because he's on the birth certificate the police can do nothing and she might have to get a court order to get her child back.

If the OP leaves him off the birth certificate and he goes to court to get added later, the court will not refuse his request. But the OP can get a court order at the same time setting out arrangements for contact, so that if her ex refuses to return their child as agreed she can go to the police and they will intervene. And in the meantime, because it would take a few months to go to court, she can spend that time bonding with her baby, deciding where to live, consenting to vaccinations, applying for her baby's passport, and yes, choosing her baby's name. I know someone whose wife left him during pregnancy. He's had parental responsibility since day one because they were still legally married when their child was born, but he had to go to court to get permission for his child to be vaccinated, and has never succeeded in getting his surname added or a given name added to her name even as a middle name because it was too complicated.

I might have been feeling some sympathy for him until I got to the bit about the new friend. Next, he'll be telling you that he needs to have sex with his new 'platonic' friend in order to get back to the person he was.

They are not just friends, he's having an affair right under your nose. He's lining himself up as a victim and taking you for a mug when you're about to have a baby. He's a shitbag.

Get rid, for your own sake. Can you move closer to your support network? Doing it on your own probably feels daunting, but cutting this deadweight of a man loose will be better than spending years trying to cling ('for the sake of the baby') on to someone who has already checked out of your relationship.

Parental rights are there for a reason. You shouldn’t deny somebody rights on the slim chance they may abuse their position. ‘You don’t have a right to rent a house, because you might decide one day to not pay your rent and then the landlord will have to go through the courts to evict you’.

There are plenty of mothers who use their children as weapons in arguments with exes, but I would never advocate that they lose parental rights (unless they lose them AFTER they have been proven to be abusive, same as men).

As others have said, don't put him on the birth certificate. And definitely do NOT give your Child his surname, if that's what you'd already intended to do.

I made the mistake of giving my DC's their Dad's surname (my Dad warned me not to) and I regret not listening to him now. We weren't married, but I was convinced we'd stay together as we were (what I believed anyway) a couple in love.
He then ended up having an affair and we split up, and I've raised my DC 's alone and it's never felt right that they have the surname of the Parent whose basically done F all for them over the years.

Don't make that same mistake, I say this to ALL unmarried Mum's to be. Ensure you give your DC's YOUR surname, even if you believe your relationship is very strong, things change.
I can't stress this enough!

This is excellent advice.
OP, he's playing you like a banjo. It sounds like your relationship is pretty much over and, if he's stressed now, things are unlikely to improve when the baby arrives. He's simply hedging his bets in the hope that this new relationship progresses to the next level. If it does, you won't see him for dust.

As soon as I read he was “finding himself”, suddenly being distant, I was just waiting for the part when you mentioned a new female friend. Why can’t men at least be original and come up with a new story to try hide their affair. Finding himself pffft.

The most important thing right now is to prioritise you and the baby. And your housing situation. Is your house owned/rented? And in whose name? If it’s in your name then you need to kick him out immediately. If it’s in his name then I would move straight out and go be with your family when the baby arrives. Like others have said - it will be harder to move away after the baby is born and he has any kind of contact arrangement with the baby. You would be the bad guy moving the child away from him, whereas right now he is the bad guy cheating on his pregnant fiancé.

Do you both own the house? If you don't, I'd pack up and go to my mum's. When the baby's here, you're going to need help st all hours. You can't have him out every night. If you both own it, put it up for sale. If only you own it, kick him out. Don't give the baby his last name, if you're not married. You'll want the same surname as them, especially if he's going to leave.

I’m so sorry. He wants to have his cake and eat it doesn’t he? He wants to be footloose and fancy free, but knows everyone dispises men who leave pregnant women so he’s saving face while brazenly carrying on. Whilst also having a housemaid…. He needs an ultimatum

100% an affair OP this is disgraceful. Are you financially independent? If so, can you kick him out or go and move back near to your family as you will likely need some support in the coming months. What an absolutely twat he is! I bet he has told her he was planning on leaving you but then he got pregnant, it’s an absolute classic.

So are you going to move next door to the OP and be her support network and provide all the childcare her mum can't provide because she's two hours away while he ex is balls deep in his new woman and paying the bare minimum in maintenance but refuses to let her leave his crappy town and make a better life for herself and their child?

Are you going to pay the court fees for an emergency hearing so she can be reunited with her baby if her ex refuses to give him or her back after a row?

No, thought not.

He is having an affair. But to those people that say "kick him out"- if only it were that simple! If he jointly owns or is on the tenancy agreement, you cannot simply kick someone out of their own home and expect them to comply.

PS
And preferably get him to leave the house. You need to be physically without him. He's been getting away with this treatment of you due to being alone with you.
You need him gone I'm afraid. But you need someone with you. So either you go to family and have the baby there, or he leaves and someone comes to you.
Where are you roughly in the country and where are your family?

Life with a child has more pressure points. Your dh has responded to very ordinary life issues by directing all his energy into someone else while treating you like you do not matter. He is an awful person. Would you prefer to be with people who care for you - if so go today. Set up where you have support.

Honestly, I think he is cheating with this other woman and he has pulled this move with you to placate her. He can't leave you yet due to baby coming but by doing this he can assure her your relationship is over.

I am sorry OP.

I was reading through the post thinking ‘it’s someone else’ and then you said ‘he’s made a friend’ and I thought… yep!!

He’s (at least emotionally) romantically invested in another woman when you’re about the have his baby. He’s scum. Ask him to leave so you can have a clear head at birth. If you have any close family/friends, see if you can ask someone to stay with you for the first week or two after birth.

Im so sorry.

How old is this apology of a man? Please be much harder, believe nothing, and focus on yourself and your baby. This man is weak and you are making excuses for him. He is hedging his bets and stringing you along. When you get to my age and hear 'He has a friend of the opposite sex and she has been through some difficult situation' it becomes the same old story, same old chestnut, new generation. Seen it all. A real man would be standing by his girl, looking forward to the birth of his child and being there every step of the way for his little family. Get rid of him and make a life for yourself. Let this 'new friend' live with his weakness and excuses, you are worth so much more.

This.

OP you are in a difficult position right now and my heart goes out to you and your baby.

Yes, you and baby can be absolutely happy in the future, but you need to be prepared to think fast and act quickly right now, so that you can be settled with whatever decision you make, before your baby is born.

Your partner (I hesitate to call him that because in every respect he has proved he isn’t one at all) can get himself all freshened up to go out every night with his girlfriend - so you can can get yourself sorted to leave the house too, if that is what you want.

It’s your decision of course and I’m sure it’s a lot more complicated than MN can guess at - there will be a lot to take into account but I think you have possibly already thought through most of the ‘what if’s’.

He is cheating on you OP. At the most vulnerable time of your life, he is very badly letting you down. It’s unforgivable what he’s doing. You can’t rely on him. For your child’s sake, don’t allow him to treat you like this. He is selfish and deceitful. You can never trust him again, even if it’s only an emotional affair at this stage. He isn’t considering you one tiny jot. He’s busy exploring a new relationship while you agonise over how to protect your child. You don’t have to stay to wait to find out who he chooses in the end. He is already making it clear and using all sorts of pathetic and laughable excuses to abandon you.

You have an obligation to look after yourself and prepare properly for baby’s homecoming in a safe place where you are cared for and loved. Don’t go home with a new baby to a place of stress, hurt and betrayal. Go home to a place of love if you have that option.

Please tell your family what is happening. Ask for their help. If you were my daughter/sister/niece/close family friend, I would be there with you like a shot to bring you home to look after you. And to give you the best chance of being properly supported so that you can get back on your feet with confidence, without having to be at his mercy.

If I were you I would grab that chance while you can and spare yourself any more of this horrid uncertainty while you wait for him to end it. Get yourself to a safe place for the next few months at least, and give yourself and your baby a fighting chance at that happiness you both deserve. Good luck OP.

Have to agree. He either wants you to end it so he doesn’t look good, or he’s waiting to see if his new woman works out.

Life will be less complicated without him on the birth certificate. Move home for support now. Tell people why you’ve had to leave him. Don’t let him come out if this the innocent one.

In fact, I would suggest moving back to your family. If you have a good and supportive relationship with them then that would be ideal. You’ll have people around you that will love and care for you and the baby whilst you’re on maternity leave and give you some distance between you and the ex. You'll also have fewer financial worries during mat leave if you’re able to stay with them. And then claim child maintenance as soon as the child arrives. No delays.

Give the baby your surname not his

I can’t quite believe what I’ve read in your post. Platonic friendships do happen. However, I don’t have any friends that I would spend every single evening with. They are only going to get closer when spending this amount of time together. He is doing this right in front of your face but gaslighting you into thinking it’s all for the best and you can just wait a bit for him to de-stress. It is not normal at all.
If I was in your situation I think I’d make it quite clear to him that I’m not an idiot and I don’t believe for one second that this ‘friendship’ is platonic. I’d either ask him to pack his things and go live with this ‘platonic’ friend or I’d pack my stuff up asap if it is a possibility you could move in with family or move closer to them? When the baby arrives you’re going to need support, you won’t be getting it from him. You’ll feel even more isolated. You’ll be emotional and hormonal when the baby comes, I feel he will only get worse in his disrespect for you. I wish you luck, it’s far better to be a single parent than stuck with a man who treats you this way.

I'm very cool about male/female friendships. Both DH and I have friends of the opposite sex that we see regularly. However, I don't think it's normal for him to see her every single night, especially when you're heavily pregnant and going through a stressful time.

OP, please go home to your family now. You will need support when the baby comes and you will not get this from your DH.

This exact situation happened to my friend. Her DH spent months flip flipping between her and the other woman, apologizing got his behaviour and not knowing what he wanted. He didn't want to be seen as the villain by announcing he had met someone else and was leaving so made a stressful situation more stressful by acting like a bumbling idiot.

He's got to go. He's using you until he makes up his mind what he wants! Move him in with family, then you need to move closer to your support. Take care.