Fiancé wants to go "on a break" but I'm 36 weeks pregnant

[DogMamma2024]

Hi there, I'm not sure if anyone will even reply to this but I've been really struggling with this for over a week or so and I just don't know what else to do...

My fiance and I have been together three years and have had a really good relationship up until the past few months. We are suffering with a lot of external stress as we have an ongoing issue with a neighbour and an open stalking and harassment case with the police involving this neighbour. In the past few months this has intensified and my partner has been trying to shoulder most of it so it doesn't cause any issues with myself or the baby as we all know excessive stress can be harmful for babies development. I have noticed that our relationship has started to dwindle and we are more similar to being roommates at this stage rather than being in a supportive relationship. He is supportive of the pregnancy in so far as checking in with me regarding babies movements and how I'm feeling and attending appointments however, anything else is non-existent.

The past four weeks have been very difficult as he sat me down as said he can't take all of the stress anymore (job stress, harassment stress from the neighbour, family pressure etc.) and he said he was aware that he had been distant and not there to support me when I needed it and he had noticed that I had been feeling down and lonely but he just couldn't give me what I was needing. He then had said if I had not been so far along in pregnancy that I could have gone to stay with my family (they live 2 hours away) while he tried to sort his head out and get back to being the person that I fell in love with. I had said that obviously wasn't an option given my due date and I shouldn't have to leave my home for him to 'get better', but I can understand that he needs to make some sort of change to feel more mentally well. Since this initial discussion he has moved into the spare room and we are trialing some sort of odd 'separation' which I am struggling with. He had said he doesn't know if we should be together anymore and he wants to just see if he can 'get himself back' before the baby arrives because he wants to be the best dad he can be. I obviously want that for the baby too but I'm struggling to cope with how I'm feeling and the uncertainty that this is bringing at this time.

He has made a new friend, which is great, I have no problems with that and I am usually a very tolerant, chilled out person so we can go and do separate things and I don't mind. However, since he mentioned that he made this new friend (who is a female, again usually I wouldn't have an issue with this) he has been hanging out with her every night after work, so finishing at 5:30, showered, changed and out the house for 6pm and then not home until 9pm some nights I've started feeling very sad, lonely, unwanted and jealous. I don't understand how he doesn't have the mental energy to put into our relationship but he can go all these nice places with this new person instead? I told him the other day I had resigned myself to knowing that it was over between us and I gave him my ring back. He had asked me to not give up on him and assured me this person was just a friend. She has no interest in a relationship as her fiance recently left her at the altar. For as much as he says he loves me and he is positive about the future and everything will settle when the baby gets here, I have less hope than that. I know babies rarely keep people together and since we live in the same town as his family (and my support is over 2 hours away) I am feeling increasingly more isolated and that I'm almost 'paying pretend' that it will all be fine when the baby is here.

I guess I'm just wondering if I should set more boundaries in place as he's wanting the seperation, ie. Different bathrooms, he can do his own food shop, washing etc and ask him to stop saying "I love you" and using terms of endearment? I'm finding it so confusing that he says he loves me and then leaves to go and have a lovely time with his new friend while I sit in the house and get things ready for the baby.

I'm also starting to think if it was the other way around would he like me spending lots of time with some attractive man while he couldn't do things at home - the answer to that is definitely no. But then I'm thinking do I just give him as much space as I can (considering we still live in the same house and both work from home) and hope that he works it out before baby gets here. Or do I just resign myself to the fact he doesn't want to be with me but it too scared to actually say it?

If you've made it to the end of this I really appreciate it. The situation is so rubbish I don't even know what I'm looking for here, just someone to maybe have some encouragement that it won't end horribly - even if that just means baby and I will be fine with or without him. Thanks again 💕

I agree. They should’ve put her name on deeds even if they didn’t want to get married long before deciding to have a child. OP never said she wanted her name on them/he stopped her so they’ve both been irresponsible.

Yes, I am also sure the OW feels guilty, she most know what she is doing is abhorrent too.

However, they most likely had a chat to ‘cool it’ but I am sure they will text and get back together.

I am sorry OP, you need to be focusing on your baby, the stress this man put you through while carrying his baby is horrid and one day, you will look back and think what a disgusting man he is.

When I was in a US Army maternity unit one of the seasoned midwives told me that the hospital estimated that approximately 40% of the fathers named with their wives on birth certificates weren't the actual fathers.

I would tell the hapless father to whistle for any rights.

Excellent posts by mathanxiety.

The baby hasn’t been born yet so of course he hasn’t missed the registration appointment

So... The OP moved to the area where she now lives to be with her partner. She is far away from her family and own support network. Why do you think she should want to stay there if her relationship breaks down because her partner is having an affair? Surely it would be better for her to move back to where she's from? Or do you think she should be trapped where she's currently living until her baby is an adult?

Exactly - men that want an auto entry on a BC should marry the woman they’ve impregnated before the birth occurs.

Dumping their pregnant girlfriend a few weeks before the baby is due isn’t an effective way to go about it.

Clearly it suits this chap to be unmarried (house only in his name, no legal obligation to share it’s value as he would if it were a marital asset) but he can’t have it both ways.

8 months of pregnancy is plenty of time to arrange a no frills civil ceremony, can always have the party bit later.

Yes I’m aware. I’m just making the point that he hasn’t bothered not turning up yet, as there hasn’t been an opportunity to do so as baby isn’t born. I like how everyone on mumsnet enjoy being the voice of doom and assume he wont, despite him attending appointments/ showing care for baby so far despite not being a good partner.

Maybe OP didn’t want to get married just yet. It is a modern world and not all parents have to be married before baby comes along. They should have put OP’s name on the house though.

They're engaged. The clue is in the thread title.

yes, weddings cost money, maybe they wanted to save it for baby or save up more to have a bigger wedding. If he is cheating then it’ll be a lot easier to split up w/on hassle of a divorce. Maybe pregnancy was unexpected.

He’s selfish.
pregnant or not i would not be ok with dh going out every single night for hours, never mind with a female friend and never mind when he’s too tired to work on his relationship or do anything about his partner being unhappy and lonely

No trustworthy woman in her right mind would spend every evening with a man in a relationship, certainly not one whose wife is so far along.

i think you can put your foot down here even if you don’t want to leave at this point. If he isn’t bothered about the stress he’s causing you and the baby, and isn’t actively working to fix the problems then you know what his priorities are for when you have more headspace to deal with this

Sorry mate, that’s not how the law works.

A man wants on the birth certificate he has two options, marry the mother or petition the family court.

If he wasn’t treating the mother like shit on his shoe he might have a third option.

Basic civil wedding is £150.

They're trialling a separation’ haven’t been intimate for months and he’s moved into another bedroom. The OP also said that if the pregnancy wasn’t so far along, he thought she could’ve moved out of his house back to her family so that he’d have ‘space to sort his head out’ - she didn’t see why she should have to vacate her home while pregnant with his baby, so he could mull it all over.

To everyone who selectively quoted my last post and championed the father’s rights, do note that I specifically said there’s nothing in the OP’s words to suggest she’d scupper his relationship with his child, but it’s interesting how people think it’s more important that a father’s rights are protected than a pregnant woman and new mother having a support network close to hand. As others have said, a father can be added to a birth certificate later, or the short form used.

The OP has said herself beyond attending appointments, or asking about her health and the baby’s movements, she feels the father has little interest at this point, so I feel it’s best to protect the primary carer’s wellbeing, freedom of movement and ability to make decisions, particularly when she’s showing no animosity towards a partner who’s already checking out on their own relationship. How it goes after the birth is up to him.

He is not violent or dangerous, £150 is a lot of money they may need for baby.

No one is saying he is violent or dangerous. The law states he has no automatic right to be listed on a BC.

A registrar’s marriage fee is £56 I believe and the marriage certificate is £12.50. I’m not fully clued up as I married back when you got your actual certificate there and then.

If it were £156 that’s nothing to secure the father’s legal rights from the get go, but of course, it would also confer OP’s rights over the marital home. He can’t have it both ways. But again, stressing that regardless, the OP has never mentioned being difficult over the father-child relationship, it’s just talk about her not becoming even more powerless than she already is in the situation she’s described.

I wonder if OP will reply.

@Lovefromjuliaxo based on her last post three days ago I suspect we're now just talking to ourselves. Whether the OP is reading or not, who knows. She obviously wants to believe what the female friend has told her and apparently the DF has gone from distancing the relationship to telling the other woman how much he loves OP and his future family, just that he's struggling with 'other things'

Personally I wouldn't put my faith in a relationship where the loved one turned away from me in a stressful time, especially if he immersed himself in another female's company every, or most, nights for hours at a time, but we don't know either of them after all and all we can do is offer an outside view and advice.

Like everyone else posting would agree, let's just hope everything turns out well in the end.

Yeah…it’s understandable she wants to believe him, especially as she is pregnant. I really feel for her. I know people are saying why didn’t you het
married before baby/ get your name on the house deeds but there’s no point saying that to her now. Hopefully baby arrives safely and she makes the correct decision for her. I too unfortunately wouldn’t trust husband to stay. If he can’t cope now, what’s he going to be like when the baby arrives?

Hi everyone, I know it's been a few days since I posted but it's been pretty hectic at home dealing with some external family issues (not with the other half) and I've just not had the time to update you all.

For everyone asking we we're not married and why I don't have my name on the house it's a bit of a long story but it was a mutual decision at the time in which we moved as it was due to mortgage availability and personal circumstances. We do have an agreement in place (signed and sealed by a solicitor) that should we seperate I would get half of whatever the house would be less my Fiancés initial contribution that I had no part in putting forward. So I wouldn't be left with nothing. Most of the furniture in the house is also mine so that would come with me, again all written and agreed to.

Everyone saying we should have gotten married before we had the baby, well that was something we were going to do, but after suffering a loss this rainbow came earlier than anticipated and we were very grateful for the blessing. We didn't feel the need to get a piece a paper to validate that at the time. To be honest neither one of us feels like we "have to" be married to start a family, but I guess that everyone's opinion on that is different!

As for the birth cirtificate. Despite my partner struggling with his mental health and checking out from us lately he has never once missed an appointment for the baby or an antenatal class about labour, birth, delivery or after the baby is here. In all accounts he has been there for baby so far and has even helped pack the hospital bag for both myself and baby to make sure we're all prepared. I understand we have to judge actions and not words but as of right now I have no issues with how he will be as a father. Just because he's being a crappy person to me right now does not mean that's how he will be for the baby. We have spoken about registering baby and we are happy to go together when that has to be done. We still don't have a name for baby as we can't decide, but again that's mutual and I'm sure when we see the baby we will get a better vibe for a name.

For everyone saying judge actions and not words, I have noticed some improvements in attentiveness and reduced time on his phone. He also went to the shop and picked me up some things I had been craving recently which I wasn't sure he had noticed when I had mentioned. He also purchased some last minute baby items I needed on my "to get" list, which again, I wasn't aware he had actually been paying attention to and he has also started communicating better about how he feels/what he needs which is all a little more positive. Other than a counselling session at some point this week he has now booked multiple sessions as well as an appointment with the GP to talk about his mental health.

The OW has for all intents and purposes disappeared since I spoke with her and there has been no communication or meet ups since. I know everyone thinks I'm being an idiot and I'm too nieve and vulnerable, not knowing what I'm doing but as for the actions I've seen over the past few days I am tentative to say that he may be changing. Him admitting he is maybe unwell and can use outside help is the beginning of helping him, I know he has to do it himself but the hardest step is admitting you're not okay.

I appreciate everyone's advice, comments and concerns and baby and I are doing very well, growing as they should and everything is looking very positive. As for now I'm going to stay where I am, with the small support I have from my wonderful neighbours and few friends I have here and I'll reevaluate the situation once baby arrives. I genuinely feel that given everything that's happened, if I hadn't been expecting I'd have probably had a breakdown in the situation we're living in too. I have to give him the benefit of the doubt as I would expect him to give it to me and he has never shown any behaviour like this in the time we've been together even after the inial loss of the first baby, he couldn't have been anymore supportive.

Thank you for all your comments 💕

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and birth. Your focus deserves to be on you and your baby right now and I’m sorry you haven’t had the happy and peaceful pregnancy you deserved.

All the best, OP. Relax now and enjoy the last few weeks before your beautiful baby makes an appearance. Praying it all works out for you x

You’re defo not an idiot, it’s completely up to you if you want to give your partner another chance and trust him. I’m glad you’re not listening to all the idiots on here who are shaming you for not getting married first and telling you to drop him from the birth certificate. Some people on here just like to stir up trouble and enjoy the drama.
Great you and him have arranged to register baby together.

this agreement- is it actually legal/ would it work in court if it’s not binding like a marriage or your name on the deed to the house/flat / your name on the mortgage?

good luck, hope baby arrives fine and glad he’s booking in counselling. Good luck to the 2 (3!) of you.

That sounds good - I hope it works out OP and that you enjoy the time when baby arrives!

I 100% would not trust her or what she's saying, absolutely no chance.
She makes herself sound so empathetic, but anyone with a basic level of empathy or common sense would understand that you don't become all pally with a man in that situation and hang out with him every night and that that could cause a considerable amount of stress and upset for their partner. It just doesn't add up at all.

I would imagine she sounds so believable because she has convinced herself of it herself but she very much knows that it's inappropriate.