Fiancé wants to go "on a break" but I'm 36 weeks pregnant

[DogMamma2024]

Hi there, I'm not sure if anyone will even reply to this but I've been really struggling with this for over a week or so and I just don't know what else to do...

My fiance and I have been together three years and have had a really good relationship up until the past few months. We are suffering with a lot of external stress as we have an ongoing issue with a neighbour and an open stalking and harassment case with the police involving this neighbour. In the past few months this has intensified and my partner has been trying to shoulder most of it so it doesn't cause any issues with myself or the baby as we all know excessive stress can be harmful for babies development. I have noticed that our relationship has started to dwindle and we are more similar to being roommates at this stage rather than being in a supportive relationship. He is supportive of the pregnancy in so far as checking in with me regarding babies movements and how I'm feeling and attending appointments however, anything else is non-existent.

The past four weeks have been very difficult as he sat me down as said he can't take all of the stress anymore (job stress, harassment stress from the neighbour, family pressure etc.) and he said he was aware that he had been distant and not there to support me when I needed it and he had noticed that I had been feeling down and lonely but he just couldn't give me what I was needing. He then had said if I had not been so far along in pregnancy that I could have gone to stay with my family (they live 2 hours away) while he tried to sort his head out and get back to being the person that I fell in love with. I had said that obviously wasn't an option given my due date and I shouldn't have to leave my home for him to 'get better', but I can understand that he needs to make some sort of change to feel more mentally well. Since this initial discussion he has moved into the spare room and we are trialing some sort of odd 'separation' which I am struggling with. He had said he doesn't know if we should be together anymore and he wants to just see if he can 'get himself back' before the baby arrives because he wants to be the best dad he can be. I obviously want that for the baby too but I'm struggling to cope with how I'm feeling and the uncertainty that this is bringing at this time.

He has made a new friend, which is great, I have no problems with that and I am usually a very tolerant, chilled out person so we can go and do separate things and I don't mind. However, since he mentioned that he made this new friend (who is a female, again usually I wouldn't have an issue with this) he has been hanging out with her every night after work, so finishing at 5:30, showered, changed and out the house for 6pm and then not home until 9pm some nights I've started feeling very sad, lonely, unwanted and jealous. I don't understand how he doesn't have the mental energy to put into our relationship but he can go all these nice places with this new person instead? I told him the other day I had resigned myself to knowing that it was over between us and I gave him my ring back. He had asked me to not give up on him and assured me this person was just a friend. She has no interest in a relationship as her fiance recently left her at the altar. For as much as he says he loves me and he is positive about the future and everything will settle when the baby gets here, I have less hope than that. I know babies rarely keep people together and since we live in the same town as his family (and my support is over 2 hours away) I am feeling increasingly more isolated and that I'm almost 'paying pretend' that it will all be fine when the baby is here.

I guess I'm just wondering if I should set more boundaries in place as he's wanting the seperation, ie. Different bathrooms, he can do his own food shop, washing etc and ask him to stop saying "I love you" and using terms of endearment? I'm finding it so confusing that he says he loves me and then leaves to go and have a lovely time with his new friend while I sit in the house and get things ready for the baby.

I'm also starting to think if it was the other way around would he like me spending lots of time with some attractive man while he couldn't do things at home - the answer to that is definitely no. But then I'm thinking do I just give him as much space as I can (considering we still live in the same house and both work from home) and hope that he works it out before baby gets here. Or do I just resign myself to the fact he doesn't want to be with me but it too scared to actually say it?

If you've made it to the end of this I really appreciate it. The situation is so rubbish I don't even know what I'm looking for here, just someone to maybe have some encouragement that it won't end horribly - even if that just means baby and I will be fine with or without him. Thanks again 💕

I am sorry to say that he is dating another woman when you are 36 weeks pregnant with his child and he isn't even hiding it from you. This is a stunning level of disrespect. I must admit in your circumstance I would be having a fantasy about ripping off his gonads with my bare hands.

I can't imagine how this "friend" can square with her conscience that this man is leaving his heavily pregnant fiancée at home "every night" and going out with her. I mean it's awful that he's doing it but, frankly, I can see why her fiancé might have jilted her at the altar. The pair of them are simply disgusting. I am assuming here that she does know of your existence and the pregnancy.

Can you go and stay with your family? At the very least, can you throw him out rather than letting him try out this other relationship while keeping you on the backburned in case it doesn't pan out? I wouldn't be giving the baby his surname or putting him on the birth certificate. I wouldn't be having him at the birth either. I know you must be heartbroken but his behaviour isn't just slightly awful, it's appalling. He should be taking you out or being at home waiting on you hand and foot, fussing about cushions behind your back.

Sorry if it has been mentioned already, but I would make sure you have had any STI/sexual health checks if you have been intimate lately.
Certain infections may not show symptoms for the woman, but can pass on to the baby during the birth and so a vaginal birth would not be recommended or treatment may be needed prior to delivery.

All the best, OP. Please put your baby and yourself first, be kind to yourself, none of this is about you - I’m sorry your partner has revealed his true self when you are feeling so understandably vulnerable and needing support.

He's gearing up to "it's not you it's me."
What a wanker.

I’m so sorry OP.

He is of course having a relationship with this woman or wanting to. He knows he would be slated if he admitted that so he’s invented this need to ‘sort his head out’. Leaving you in a house on your own in the evenings with a problem neighbour is appalling.

Agree with PP, if you don’t have a big support network where you are, I would move back to your family. He more or less asked you to do that anyway with his pathetic ‘if only you weren’t so pregnant’ nonsense.

Don’t stay trapped in a town with no support where you get to watch him and this new woman play happy families.

If you drive, load the car one day when he’s out and go. Maybe your parents could drive down and take a car load too?

So sorry he’s a shit.

💐

Please don't listen to these posters advising you to not put his name on the birth certificate. He is your child's father regardless. It is not your right to do this. He would have it put on via the courts with no problem anyway. It's a common misconception on here that because a woman can register a birth without the father present, it means that she has the 'power' to choose whether the father's name is recorded. This isn't true. A woman can register a birth without the father as paternity can be contested. Maternity obviously cannot be contested.

You can't know for sure whether there is anything physical / emotional going on, unless you catch them out and get proof. However your fiancé's behaviour is appalling and I would leave him for that alone.

You've had a very lucky escape. He's a fucking child.

If he thinks life is hard now, just wait until you both have a newborn.

If I were you, I'd (if renting), pack my bags and move back to be with family, now, to give you time to transfer to your local hospital there before you go into labour. Don't wait until you give birth as honestly your whole life will change once that little baby is in your arms.

Give baby YOUR surname. This is important and saves hassle later down the line.

This guy is feeding you so many lines. I knew a woman would be mentioned from early on reading your post. Even if it did happen to be purely platonic, no decent man leaves his 36 week pregnant fiancée to go out every evening with someone else, male or female. He's checked out of your relationship. Get back to your family/support network now, it'll be so much easier than doing it after baby's born.

If you own the house together, I'd still suggest moving back to family, but getting the house on the market asap.

Get your CSA & CB applications in as soon as baby arrives.

Holy shit this man is a veritable prize winning wanker in a whole world of wankers. He’s The Ultimate Selfish Prick! Expecting you to behave like a dutiful serving maid while he dashes out for dinner with the New Friend!

I once went through a break up when pregnant, I went home to my village and stayed in my Nana’s back bedroom through the newborn phase, my mum was my birth partner.
Both women have since passed away but my memories (and photos) of that time period are so precious.

I gave my son my surname, his father wasn’t very interested in him for the first few years so he wouldn’t have turned up for the registrar appointment even if I’d invited him (which I didn’t). My boy saw his paternal grandparents on my terms (they picked up and dropped off, and if I was away from home on a day they wanted to collect him, they drove to wherever we were, whether that be North Wales, The Wirral or West Herts).

As my son grew so did his father’s interest in him, he started staying with him a few weeks a year, in the school holidays, no chores, no supervised tooth brushing, endless pizza for tea. I never asked for child maintenance and he never asked for parental responsibility. It suited me that way.

My boy is now the age I was when he born, an adult, tall and blonde and looks just like his dad in a photo but in real life he’s much more like me. He speaks with my accent, using all the funny family expressions I inherited from my Nana. I was there when he stood up for the first time, held his hand when he took his first steps. I taught him how to dance, and how to love, the way my late mum loved us both.

(His dad was there when he lost his orthodontic retainer in a burger restaurant 🙃)

Please don’t let your cowardly prick of an ex boyfriend ruin precious time with your newborn baby - before you know it your baby will be in their 20s (and we’ll probably both still be posting on Mumsnet, telling another generation of women to stop picking up after the pricks that broke their hearts, to go back to the family and friends who’ve loved them longest and let their ex attempt to explain his utter fuckwittery to his own bewildered parents).

I’d say move back to your parents before the baby is born.

After the baby’s here he may prevent you from
moving.

What he’s doing is so horrible, especially leaving you alone and pregnant when you have a neighbour who is harassing you and is a stalker.

Stop feeling sorry for him, prioritise yourself, this relationship is over, move to where your support network is.

Definitely move home if you can. I, personally, agree with everyone here that he is a complete lost cause. But even if you fantasize that he comes to his senses he won’t do it before you leave, have the baby, snd he is forced to face up to what a shit person he is.

Surely if he is "just friends" with this other woman, you could go hang out with them one night. Invite yourself, "Good news, honey! I am going to join you..."

Move before the baby is born otherwise you'll be stuck there with no family support. Once the baby is born you'll need his permission to move away.

@hellacool Yes, he can go to court to have his name on the birth certificate to get parental rights. But he has to be put to some inconvenience to do that and many don't bother. Judging from his behaviour so far, he's not likely to bother. From the OP's perspective as she is undoubtedly going to be doing most of the child rearing she should at least be able to make decisions as to holidays, schools, and so on without his input. Also, I don't think he is acting like a father such that OP should be obliged to put him on the birth certificate. A father in my view is the person who is around and helping to raise the child rather than a man having nightly dates with another woman when his fiancée is pregnant as he works on trying "to sort his head out and get back to being the person" that she fell in love with. In any case, as she is not married to him he would have to turn up for the birth registration to put his name down so she won't be able to put his name down on her own anyway. If a miracle happens and he turns out to be a committed father, they can always add the name later.

And as for not being sure anything physical is going on with the friend, I think in their three hour dates that he leaves for every night, freshly showered and changed, they almost certainly have got around to having sex. I mean how much can you talk about being jilted at the altar and your problem neighbour.

He is being a massive Dick because he is (or wants to) have an affair when you are at your most vulnerable. Giving you all this emotional trauma is so bad for you and the baby so he can't really care that much. Having a baby and dealing with it on your own is hard, but having it with a man who is not emotionally or physically there for you is harder. You need to put yourself in the mindset of a person who is doing this alone, so you can cope better when your baby is here. When the baby is here he will have to spend every moment with you and the baby and will not be able to have any socialising time with this friend or any friend after work.

This is a time when he should be nesting with you and making you feel good. You are doing an amazing thing and having someone's baby is a massive gift to them, he should be fucking grateful! Ask him not to string you along. You need an answer. If you need to move back near your family then do that. You have to look after yourself and your baby because he isn't doing that.

I had a friend who went through this and the break up lasted a year and the whole baby time was ruined for her. Concentrate on enjoying your baby and if you do break up and he starts wanting to have the baby more than you are comfortable with then say no.

You know, they know, and we all know that they aren't just friends.

He can't leave just yet because then the world will know what a set of bastards they are. It reflects badly on the pair of them.

I hope you're okay op. I would really consider moving back near your family.

Tale as old as time. Good luck OP!

He's treating you like shit but saying all the right things so that you feel sorry for HIM. He is having an affair, in plain sight while YOU shoulder the burden of a harassment case and pregnancy. Get rid of him now.

Also, you will be absolutely so much better without him. But I think you should go home to your family now so you can have support.

Please seek the support of family and friends now before the birth. There’s no future for you with him and you are going to need support. If you stay and put him on the birth certificate you could lose your option to move away.

So he is ‘too stressed’ to treat you with love, respect and devotion, but is not too stressed to date and live it up with his new Girlfriend…

@DogMamma2024, he is gaslighting you about his OW being a platonic friend. His ‘getting his head straight’ agenda is a ruse meant to dupe you as he slides out of your relationship and heavily invests in OW right under your nose. His degradation and abandonment of you, and in turn the baby, is beyond the pale.

Be proactive, @DogMamma2024. Go to your family and absorb their loving support. Have your baby there and establish a comfortable, peaceful home for yourself and him/her.

You need to pack his stuff and drop it all off on the front lawn of his new "friend".

He has left you, love.

He is just too much of a coward to tell you.

Tell the cheating bastard to fuck off. He's a low life treating you like that at 36 weeks pregnant

I also think you should move back to where your support network is/assume you're being the baby up without him and decide where you want to be while you do that. Get there now before the baby arrives.

Asking about the baby's movements is neither here nor there. He could be obsessed by, smitten with this baby. It will not magically change his feelings about you.

I would definitely return home to your family. I wouldn't be sat there, horrible neighbour situation oppressing you, with a man child who has checked out. The ninth month of pregnancy is not when you need a partner who is making new female friends and devoting time to them above you.

You sound so sad. I hope that you have a good relationship with your family, that you feel able to return to them and leave your partner to his own devices. At this point, you deserve so much more than this, and the stress of a newborn is going to be like throwing a can of petrol on to this situation.

Come back and tell us if going to family is an option. Pack a car with everything you can and go.

It won't be how you imagined it, but neither is this, is it? You need people around you to look after you and the baby, not this lonely existence with a stalking neighbour and an absent man.

Make sure the baby has your last name - it will be awkward once it's older and has the same name as your current fiancé and his future wife (which isn't you).