Fiancé wants to go "on a break" but I'm 36 weeks pregnant

[DogMamma2024]

Hi there, I'm not sure if anyone will even reply to this but I've been really struggling with this for over a week or so and I just don't know what else to do...

My fiance and I have been together three years and have had a really good relationship up until the past few months. We are suffering with a lot of external stress as we have an ongoing issue with a neighbour and an open stalking and harassment case with the police involving this neighbour. In the past few months this has intensified and my partner has been trying to shoulder most of it so it doesn't cause any issues with myself or the baby as we all know excessive stress can be harmful for babies development. I have noticed that our relationship has started to dwindle and we are more similar to being roommates at this stage rather than being in a supportive relationship. He is supportive of the pregnancy in so far as checking in with me regarding babies movements and how I'm feeling and attending appointments however, anything else is non-existent.

The past four weeks have been very difficult as he sat me down as said he can't take all of the stress anymore (job stress, harassment stress from the neighbour, family pressure etc.) and he said he was aware that he had been distant and not there to support me when I needed it and he had noticed that I had been feeling down and lonely but he just couldn't give me what I was needing. He then had said if I had not been so far along in pregnancy that I could have gone to stay with my family (they live 2 hours away) while he tried to sort his head out and get back to being the person that I fell in love with. I had said that obviously wasn't an option given my due date and I shouldn't have to leave my home for him to 'get better', but I can understand that he needs to make some sort of change to feel more mentally well. Since this initial discussion he has moved into the spare room and we are trialing some sort of odd 'separation' which I am struggling with. He had said he doesn't know if we should be together anymore and he wants to just see if he can 'get himself back' before the baby arrives because he wants to be the best dad he can be. I obviously want that for the baby too but I'm struggling to cope with how I'm feeling and the uncertainty that this is bringing at this time.

He has made a new friend, which is great, I have no problems with that and I am usually a very tolerant, chilled out person so we can go and do separate things and I don't mind. However, since he mentioned that he made this new friend (who is a female, again usually I wouldn't have an issue with this) he has been hanging out with her every night after work, so finishing at 5:30, showered, changed and out the house for 6pm and then not home until 9pm some nights I've started feeling very sad, lonely, unwanted and jealous. I don't understand how he doesn't have the mental energy to put into our relationship but he can go all these nice places with this new person instead? I told him the other day I had resigned myself to knowing that it was over between us and I gave him my ring back. He had asked me to not give up on him and assured me this person was just a friend. She has no interest in a relationship as her fiance recently left her at the altar. For as much as he says he loves me and he is positive about the future and everything will settle when the baby gets here, I have less hope than that. I know babies rarely keep people together and since we live in the same town as his family (and my support is over 2 hours away) I am feeling increasingly more isolated and that I'm almost 'paying pretend' that it will all be fine when the baby is here.

I guess I'm just wondering if I should set more boundaries in place as he's wanting the seperation, ie. Different bathrooms, he can do his own food shop, washing etc and ask him to stop saying "I love you" and using terms of endearment? I'm finding it so confusing that he says he loves me and then leaves to go and have a lovely time with his new friend while I sit in the house and get things ready for the baby.

I'm also starting to think if it was the other way around would he like me spending lots of time with some attractive man while he couldn't do things at home - the answer to that is definitely no. But then I'm thinking do I just give him as much space as I can (considering we still live in the same house and both work from home) and hope that he works it out before baby gets here. Or do I just resign myself to the fact he doesn't want to be with me but it too scared to actually say it?

If you've made it to the end of this I really appreciate it. The situation is so rubbish I don't even know what I'm looking for here, just someone to maybe have some encouragement that it won't end horribly - even if that just means baby and I will be fine with or without him. Thanks again 💕

I would also be wary - she is not to be trusted and neither is he, unless he proves himself.

You seem to have been hooked by some groceries and baby things, as a sign of his changing. But it sounds like he’s doing the bare minimum to reel you back in.

Bear in mind that the behaviour of a man like this often gets worse when baby arrives.

We didn't feel the need to get a piece a paper to validate that at the time. To be honest neither one of us feels like we "have to" be married to start a family, but I guess that everyone's opinion on that is different!

People don’t suggest marriage before a baby as a sign of union between two people and their never ending love for each other, people suggest it because it gives you protection in the event of his leaving you.

In your race to be modern, you are forgetting to be pragmatic.

I wish you luck OP, I think you’re going to need it.

I don't think you're being an idiot, OP. I think that your partner has had an (emotional?) affair but is not ready to end the relationship with you just yet, maybe because of the baby coming soon, or maybe because the OW has realised after talking to you that she has been indulging in an affair and has ended it.

Whether or not you accept him back under the circumstances is your choice, but I'd be wary. He's shown you that when there's pressure and hard times, instead of supporting you and being in a team with you, he'll abandon you and seek out comfort for himself elsewhere. Can you trust him that when the baby's here and no one's getting enough sleep and the pressure's on that he won't abandon you again?

I think if you're moving forward with him, and sounds like you are, I would start putting in place a support system of my own. Family, friends, and also financial. Hopefully he'll step up and be the partner and dad to your baby that you need. But if he doesn't, then you should have a back up plan in place. Don't let it come as a horrible shock when he lets you down. Be ready and able to look after yourself and your baby without him. Good luck.

@DogMamma2024 I agree with @wrongthinker above, but I think you’ve made up you mind for now at least, so nothing said here will supersede that.

For context I’m not someone who leaps to a LTB chant. I believe relationship problems can be overcome and often should be worked at, even after a physical affair, if and it’s a big if, genuine love is there. People are fallible, we make mistakes. Some have issues that need support and some deserve a second chance.

Generally speaking I think children are better with two parents together, but they need to be decent parents and, in a mutual and happy partnership working with each other. I also advocate for strong women and their well-being.

All of us posting are only going off what you’ve told us and now you sound like you’ve done a complete about turn when you were clearly unhappy and worried enough to ask for input. It sounds like you’re more afraid of your future apart than living with the issues that brought you here in the first place. The pressure of a new baby will be greater than that of a pregnancy, but that said, it might just be that your DF jolts into a new headspace and steps up for you both. I’m genuinely wishing you well and hoping he does, whilst being mindful that you need to protect yours and your baby’s best interests. Please keep that at the very front of your mind.

As above. It sounds like you are organised for the new arrival and are giving yourself a calm start to the last weeks in the run up. Wishing you all the best OP.

Sorry to say, especially when you seem to feel everything's OK but please be careful.

I was 25 weeks pregnant with mine and my husbands 3rd child when he behaved as your OH has, he had a new "friend" too.

I spoke to her, she completely put me at ease and so ensued 8 years of hell.

I really do hope it turns out differently for you and don't want to cause you any more stress but please, please (as above) be careful.

(job stress, harassment stress from the neighbour, family pressure etc.)

Your partner will either have to find another job or reskill and do something else. Does he earn a good salary is it worth staying or is it worth reskilling and becoming a plumber/electrician. Raising families are not cheap.

The neighbour stress ignore him or move you are pregnant the neighbour is not well and won't get any better until one of you moves. I lived next door to a racist neighbour he had cameras everywhere he was a professional stalker and he had to fuck off in the end. We had to wind him up and make life uncomfortable for him. He also tried to report my partner to the police and that's when we went on a campaign of making life uncomfortable for him in a subtle way. It wasn't that hard to accomplish because eventually he moved. The police said he should move if he didn't want to live near families.

Both of you have to make decisions that could affect your child either in a positive or negative way. Good luck

I am so sorry to hear your story. It's not until later you realise I should have done something else or I should have read the signs better. You feel like a mug. The one thing that worries me about this situation is how isolated the op is from her family who will tell her the truth and stand up for her. The op's friends and neighbours don't care they like the gossip and they feel that their life is better compared to what the op is putting up with. The op hasn't mentioned what her family thinks and I wonder if they know. Pride is a heavy weight to carry.

This is exactly it. The narrative is already being manipulated to keep OP calm and on-side until after the birth and the birth registration. Then for sure OW will become legitimised and just as you say, OP will have to live near them for 18 years, with her and her child's life controlled by other people. Some here will say but he has his rights as a parent - neither parent has rights, they have responsibilities to provide a stable, loving, supportive and coherent upbringing for their child, including respect for each other. I think OP has shown here how genuine, respectful and sensible she is. Dad has shown how he is manipulative, deceitful and liable to control. I believe OP would be decent about ensuring the father is in her child's life, but on her terms.

Who knows, he may change or behave differently/better, but OP shouldn't risk that.

Sorry to say, but I agree this is a likely scenario. Don't trust him, OP. Stay with him if it suits you, but don't trust him until he's proven to you that he is going to stick with you. So, no, don't put his name on the birth certificate, don't give up any income, opportunities, or rights over the house, and don't fail to make a contingency plan for you and the baby. If I'm wrong and he proves himself to be a great partner and dad in the coming years, then you've lost nothing. If I'm right, then you've protected yourself and your baby.

*We didn't feel the need to get a piece a paper to validate that at the time.

How are you 18 months on @DogMamma2024 ? Hope all is well x

He has a weak character if he's decided to withdraw at the first sign of difficulty.

Whether sex is involved or not, his relationship with his woman is completely inappropriate and disrespectful to you. You don't see a friend every night of the week for 3 hours unless you're a teenager.