Fiancé wants to go "on a break" but I'm 36 weeks pregnant

[DogMamma2024]

Hi there, I'm not sure if anyone will even reply to this but I've been really struggling with this for over a week or so and I just don't know what else to do...

My fiance and I have been together three years and have had a really good relationship up until the past few months. We are suffering with a lot of external stress as we have an ongoing issue with a neighbour and an open stalking and harassment case with the police involving this neighbour. In the past few months this has intensified and my partner has been trying to shoulder most of it so it doesn't cause any issues with myself or the baby as we all know excessive stress can be harmful for babies development. I have noticed that our relationship has started to dwindle and we are more similar to being roommates at this stage rather than being in a supportive relationship. He is supportive of the pregnancy in so far as checking in with me regarding babies movements and how I'm feeling and attending appointments however, anything else is non-existent.

The past four weeks have been very difficult as he sat me down as said he can't take all of the stress anymore (job stress, harassment stress from the neighbour, family pressure etc.) and he said he was aware that he had been distant and not there to support me when I needed it and he had noticed that I had been feeling down and lonely but he just couldn't give me what I was needing. He then had said if I had not been so far along in pregnancy that I could have gone to stay with my family (they live 2 hours away) while he tried to sort his head out and get back to being the person that I fell in love with. I had said that obviously wasn't an option given my due date and I shouldn't have to leave my home for him to 'get better', but I can understand that he needs to make some sort of change to feel more mentally well. Since this initial discussion he has moved into the spare room and we are trialing some sort of odd 'separation' which I am struggling with. He had said he doesn't know if we should be together anymore and he wants to just see if he can 'get himself back' before the baby arrives because he wants to be the best dad he can be. I obviously want that for the baby too but I'm struggling to cope with how I'm feeling and the uncertainty that this is bringing at this time.

He has made a new friend, which is great, I have no problems with that and I am usually a very tolerant, chilled out person so we can go and do separate things and I don't mind. However, since he mentioned that he made this new friend (who is a female, again usually I wouldn't have an issue with this) he has been hanging out with her every night after work, so finishing at 5:30, showered, changed and out the house for 6pm and then not home until 9pm some nights I've started feeling very sad, lonely, unwanted and jealous. I don't understand how he doesn't have the mental energy to put into our relationship but he can go all these nice places with this new person instead? I told him the other day I had resigned myself to knowing that it was over between us and I gave him my ring back. He had asked me to not give up on him and assured me this person was just a friend. She has no interest in a relationship as her fiance recently left her at the altar. For as much as he says he loves me and he is positive about the future and everything will settle when the baby gets here, I have less hope than that. I know babies rarely keep people together and since we live in the same town as his family (and my support is over 2 hours away) I am feeling increasingly more isolated and that I'm almost 'paying pretend' that it will all be fine when the baby is here.

I guess I'm just wondering if I should set more boundaries in place as he's wanting the seperation, ie. Different bathrooms, he can do his own food shop, washing etc and ask him to stop saying "I love you" and using terms of endearment? I'm finding it so confusing that he says he loves me and then leaves to go and have a lovely time with his new friend while I sit in the house and get things ready for the baby.

I'm also starting to think if it was the other way around would he like me spending lots of time with some attractive man while he couldn't do things at home - the answer to that is definitely no. But then I'm thinking do I just give him as much space as I can (considering we still live in the same house and both work from home) and hope that he works it out before baby gets here. Or do I just resign myself to the fact he doesn't want to be with me but it too scared to actually say it?

If you've made it to the end of this I really appreciate it. The situation is so rubbish I don't even know what I'm looking for here, just someone to maybe have some encouragement that it won't end horribly - even if that just means baby and I will be fine with or without him. Thanks again 💕

I don’t know what I think about your recent update. I think you need to tread carefully here. She/he have told you what you want to hear but you need to judge actions.

Yeah, if you're struggling with feelings about becoming a dad, etc, you go to a therapist. You definitely don't get yourself a surrogate partner to have a heart to heart with. If she is so concernerned, btw, she'd stop seeing him. Sounds like they're both getting what they need from each other and it's just a matter of time before they take it further. 🚩

Im shocked they decided to have a baby when she has no security.

Good advice.

Even if everything is above board, he's still completely focussed on himself and his important feelings and doesn't seem to care or realise how vulnerable you are when about to give birth.

I still can't see the justification for leaving you alone every night ( with the awful neighbour around) and popping off washed and changed to meet up with another woman to talk about his feelings and his stress. He has no consideration for yours.

I would find it really hard to trust him after this, even tho the girl sounded convincing and nice on the phone, it doesn't alter his general behaviour. And he did try to get you to leave the house.

He has a new partner he showers for, goes out and leaves you alone the whole evening, pregnant and with a harrassing neighbour who is that bad that the police is involved???? Lady, you are blind or a bit too naive or

he has been hanging out with her every night after work, so finishing at 5:30, showered, changed and out the house for 6pm and then not home until 9pm some nights I've started feeling very sad, lonely, unwanted and jealous. I don't understand how he doesn't have the mental energy to put into our relationship but he can go all these nice places with this new person instead?

I'm not sure how much more obvious a man could make his intentions.

FFS - every night after work?? Until 9pm???

A lot of people don't see their own family or close friends that often! He's totally smitten with her OP, as if she had any sense or decency, she'd put distance between them.

Unfortunately, some men have a bit of a panic or mid-life crisis when their first baby is due. It reminds them of their own mortality and the fact that they are no longer youthful. They get cold feet about the thought of 'settling down' and being committed to one woman, so they go lusting after other women at a time when their poor partners are the most vulnerable. There will be a repeat of that in future, some time down the line, I'm sure.

This is the issue with being the cool girl. You end up being taken for a ride in the end and affairs happening right under your nose.

Oh, and please don't take any indication of the fact that she's willing to talk to you as a sign of innocence. It's not. The best example I can think of is what happened to Shania Twain.

Affair or not, he's blown it.
Anyone who behaves like him with a pregnant partner isn't worth trying to have a relationship with.
He'll drag you and your child down.
Start making plans to move near your parents when the baby arrives, he is never going to be able to step up and be an adult.

Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

Hope it's all true and nice.

Plan for it not to be. Which means protecting your housing. If you've paid any of the mortgage, you need legal recognition of that. While he's still saying the right things.

Sorry, but he's coming home, showering and going out with her every evening!?

Every evening!

She's either lying or she's even more deluded than you are! TBF she may be getting lots of attention from him and think she's genuinely being a big help to you both. She isn't.

He needs to grow up and commit to what he wants, and that involves looking after you and the baby.

It's over between you 2. He's just using you at this point, I'm sure!

Jeez. He has been curious enough to attend appointments, and has rambled on to his ‘friend’ about how he feels. Where is the actual care for the baby?

Leaving his partner at home alone and heartbroken, with stress hormones flooding her system, is likely to be actively harming the baby as well as her. Even the slackest husband does better than that, if he actually stays with his wife and makes her the odd cup of tea.

He is a lousy father-to-be. Encouraging the baby to bond with him is likely to bring the child nothing but grief.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP, I will agree it’s probably best if you can go back to your family if possible (and give your baby your surname).
Your fiancée’s new “friend” is a liar and neither of them have your interests at heart.

OP I’d ask for this thread to be deleted, you’ve explained how you feel and what you’re going to do and everyone is just piling on and pulling you back down.
I hope everything works out for you in the coming weeks and months.

Hmm, this woman works with people with mental health problems and encourages a man to go out every night with her, leaving you alone. I am calling bullshit on this.

Even if what she states is true, she is bad at her job and way too involved. Not very proffesional, or believable.

She lives with her parents and has absolutely no want to come between the two of us
She said that. But she behaved in a way that suggests otherwise. Dont listen to what people say. Look at what they do.

Dump him. He’s infatuated with the new shiny female. I bet it’s got physical and that’s why he’s willing to let go of his security blanket (you). Do not put him on the birth cert. Be strong and leave him or you will regret it.

She may have said all of that. But his actions are very odd. You’re pregnant you deserve support. Having a new baby is exhausting. I certainly wouldn’t have agreed to chat it through with him every night. Why wasn’t he talking to you? Sorry op I hope you’re ok.

Oh love.

They are absolutely pissing themselves laughing behind your back at your gullibility- or getting off on the thrill of deceiving you. I am so sorry.

Working in mental health is no guarantee of niceness - some of the most mean, duplicitous bastards I know work in this field and use their knowledge to cause distress.

Ask for your name to go on the house deeds. That will prove how settled things are.

You need to :

Prioritise being around people who will care for you when the baby arrives. Childbirth and the newborn stage can be brutal. Trying to get through that with only a disengaged, philandering arsehole around you is too hard.

Keep his name off the BC. Giving that waste of space PR will dog every year of your parenting life. If he miraculously transforms into Dad Of The Year he can apply for PR . (He won’t).

Give the baby your surname.

Get back any money you’ve paid into the house and start afresh.

Not sure I would call it pulling her back... Of course it's OP's life and her decision and no one should judge whatever she decides to do.
That said, how do you know the overwhelming response this post receives isn't helping OP? You post on these forums to hear what other people think about the situation so you can gain more perspective.
Can't even imagine how tough it must be for OP. Maybe not today but later down the line, she might read back on this post and it might help her make the right decisions. Sometimes all you need is some validation...

I only read up to 'he has a new female friend' to realise what's probably going on here.

I'm so sorry but it sounds like he's lost interest in your relationship.

Go home

He has made a new friend, which is great, I have no problems with that

Oh OP this isn’t a new friend it’s an affair. He’s a cheating twat and the only reason he’s not moving out is because he knows how it will look to everyone. And this piece of shit had the nerve to suggest that you go and stay with your family while he sorts his head out - well we all know the real reason he wanted you gone don’t we ?

Leave him to the spare room and concentrate on yourself and baby for now. When the little one arrives get your ducks in a row, kick him out and claim CMS. So sorry this has happened to you at a time when you’re vulnerable and need support. Once more, in case you didn’t get it first time round - he’s a cheating piece of shit and he doesn’t deserve you or his child.

What an extreme reaction.

The baby isn’t here yet. By attending the appointments and trying to avoid OP having stress from the neighbours, he has shown he cares about the baby. I agree what he is doing would cause stress to oP which is not good for baby, but he is likely too stupid to realise this. She needs to sit him down and tell him how she feels. He is a lousy partner but it’s not necessity true he will be a bad father when baby arrives. I think using the child as a pawn or gambling chip and leaving him off BC as he cheated is awful, it also means OP is not entitled to any financial contribution. Child will grow up knowing his or her mother stopped them bonding with their father as a baby due to him having to fight in court to see his own child

if he can’t be bothered to register baby’s birth, fair enough leave him off then, but cheating doesn’t necessarily mean he will be a bad father.