Fiancé wants to go "on a break" but I'm 36 weeks pregnant

[DogMamma2024]

Hi there, I'm not sure if anyone will even reply to this but I've been really struggling with this for over a week or so and I just don't know what else to do...

My fiance and I have been together three years and have had a really good relationship up until the past few months. We are suffering with a lot of external stress as we have an ongoing issue with a neighbour and an open stalking and harassment case with the police involving this neighbour. In the past few months this has intensified and my partner has been trying to shoulder most of it so it doesn't cause any issues with myself or the baby as we all know excessive stress can be harmful for babies development. I have noticed that our relationship has started to dwindle and we are more similar to being roommates at this stage rather than being in a supportive relationship. He is supportive of the pregnancy in so far as checking in with me regarding babies movements and how I'm feeling and attending appointments however, anything else is non-existent.

The past four weeks have been very difficult as he sat me down as said he can't take all of the stress anymore (job stress, harassment stress from the neighbour, family pressure etc.) and he said he was aware that he had been distant and not there to support me when I needed it and he had noticed that I had been feeling down and lonely but he just couldn't give me what I was needing. He then had said if I had not been so far along in pregnancy that I could have gone to stay with my family (they live 2 hours away) while he tried to sort his head out and get back to being the person that I fell in love with. I had said that obviously wasn't an option given my due date and I shouldn't have to leave my home for him to 'get better', but I can understand that he needs to make some sort of change to feel more mentally well. Since this initial discussion he has moved into the spare room and we are trialing some sort of odd 'separation' which I am struggling with. He had said he doesn't know if we should be together anymore and he wants to just see if he can 'get himself back' before the baby arrives because he wants to be the best dad he can be. I obviously want that for the baby too but I'm struggling to cope with how I'm feeling and the uncertainty that this is bringing at this time.

He has made a new friend, which is great, I have no problems with that and I am usually a very tolerant, chilled out person so we can go and do separate things and I don't mind. However, since he mentioned that he made this new friend (who is a female, again usually I wouldn't have an issue with this) he has been hanging out with her every night after work, so finishing at 5:30, showered, changed and out the house for 6pm and then not home until 9pm some nights I've started feeling very sad, lonely, unwanted and jealous. I don't understand how he doesn't have the mental energy to put into our relationship but he can go all these nice places with this new person instead? I told him the other day I had resigned myself to knowing that it was over between us and I gave him my ring back. He had asked me to not give up on him and assured me this person was just a friend. She has no interest in a relationship as her fiance recently left her at the altar. For as much as he says he loves me and he is positive about the future and everything will settle when the baby gets here, I have less hope than that. I know babies rarely keep people together and since we live in the same town as his family (and my support is over 2 hours away) I am feeling increasingly more isolated and that I'm almost 'paying pretend' that it will all be fine when the baby is here.

I guess I'm just wondering if I should set more boundaries in place as he's wanting the seperation, ie. Different bathrooms, he can do his own food shop, washing etc and ask him to stop saying "I love you" and using terms of endearment? I'm finding it so confusing that he says he loves me and then leaves to go and have a lovely time with his new friend while I sit in the house and get things ready for the baby.

I'm also starting to think if it was the other way around would he like me spending lots of time with some attractive man while he couldn't do things at home - the answer to that is definitely no. But then I'm thinking do I just give him as much space as I can (considering we still live in the same house and both work from home) and hope that he works it out before baby gets here. Or do I just resign myself to the fact he doesn't want to be with me but it too scared to actually say it?

If you've made it to the end of this I really appreciate it. The situation is so rubbish I don't even know what I'm looking for here, just someone to maybe have some encouragement that it won't end horribly - even if that just means baby and I will be fine with or without him. Thanks again 💕

He’s an arse. I would definitely give the baby your surname. I’d also kick him out - focus on yourself and your pregnancy.

OP, if you can go to your family (are they supportive?), I have to say it sounds like that would be the best thing to do at this point - for an indefinite time period. He is taking the fucking piss. Massively. This will only get worse when baby is here. Go where you can be supported away from the traitor-manchild. His timing and behaviour is fucking ridiculous.

This. A brilliant piece of advice.
Also, don't listen to those who say not to put his name on the birth certificate. The child has a right to know. So sorry you're going through this x

He is taking the absolute piss.

He wants you to dump him so he isn't labelled as the man whondumped a pregnant woman.

He is luring her in by pretending to be so torn up.

No wonder you're roommates, he's emotionally somewhere else.

I'd suggest you make it clear you aren't dumping him and the baby will be here soon and if he wants to leave then he knows where the doors. Because he won't be going on dates every night while you babysit. Hrs a dad and he needs tonget his ass home and sort himself out.

@DogMamma2024 OP can you not see that he is having an affair? It’s absolutely textbook affair behaviour, even down to claims of declining mental health.

People aren't trying to pull OP down.

The majority of posters are genuinely concerned because they feel OP is being manipulated into a wrong course of action by her partner and his woman "friend".

They would be doing OP a disservice if they did not voice their concerns to her.

I don't even know where to start OP. 36 weeks pregnant and having to deal with this. If by some sort of miracle he makes a U turn and realises the enormous change and commitment a baby brings, then the better option is to be without him. Starting off as a single parent is incredibly hard but he cannot be allowed to keep you dangling like this and playing with your emotions.
Take care, I hope you have some family support

Glad to hear OP, trust your instincts. Take care. Concentrate on your wellbeing and take each moment at a time right now.

Wow. This guy is an absolute arse piece. Maybe he is stressed and struggling with his feelings for you, any decent guy on the planet would suck this up and make nice for his very heavily pregnant partner. You guys response is to kind of tell you he wishes you would go away but he's too nice to actually make you do it (,umm thanks) then he checks out and spends every evening with another woman while keeping you on the hook while you're weeks away from birthing his child. He's awful. Walk away

Unfortunately, the house is solely in his name. That's why many of us are advising her to go to her parent's house before the birth as he could kick her out any time.

This was appalling to read. He is quite obviously gaslighting you. You're giving him everything he needs; what about what you need?! Don't you need someone to be kind to you, look after you, support you in your final months of pregnancy when things are really tough? Kick him out; find your support system; find your anger. You can do better than this awful man.

You’re the only one who spoke to her and so you should trust your judgement there and if she was open and not defensive I can see how you can believe her - I think mumsnet jumps to affairs when there are lots of reasons for weird behaviours. However, it still doesn’t change how bad your partner has made you feel - I’m glad he’s taking steps to get back on track but protect yourself as well. You need all your emotional energy for you and your child - I would suggest being clear with him that finding the strength to put you and your child first is just a non negotiable at this time when you will be so vulnerable. If there is anyway to make sure you also have plenty of support from friends and family who understand things aren’t solid with your partner right now as well please do so. It’s harder to reach out later so use this time to pre-prepare in case he lets you down.

Also - I had my first child by myself last year and am due to have my second the same way - my son has brought me more joy than I could i imagine and I’m sure my daughter will do the same. So as hard as this has all been - enjoy what is coming.

This . 1000%

For those asking about why not to put on the birth certificate... I can't tell you how many women I've supported in this situation (and worse abused women) who have a court order in place to prevent them from moving out of the area, in all cases their family support system is in another part of the country as they moved to the fathers home town before birth. In some cases you can move but have to finance and invest the travel time for regular visitation. They would also have a say in schools, if you can go on holiday abroad etc

You’re more forgiving than me but I admire your calmness and clear thinking. Hope it works out and if it doesn’t I reckon you’ll do just fine on your own. Good luck OP.

You need to go your separate ways x

Just read your response OP. The girl might seem nice, she might not even be interested in him, but it makes no odds- HE is likely interested in HER. If he needed to talk to someone about how he felt but didn’t want to go to GP, he could’ve gone to family, his guy friends, or you. It may have been different if he’d had this female friend for years and you both knew her, but the fact the friendship is recent and close likely means he has feelings or at least some sort of attraction there. Whether he acts on them or not, and she reciprocates, who knows. He’s also told a stranger (which essentially she is to you) all his and your personal stuff, for her to offer advice like this. How do you feel about him doing that?

she will act all nice to you, whether it’s genuine or not is anyone’s guess, it’s very easy to sound a certain way on social media.

not going to comment on birth certificate anymore to other replyers as hopefully OP will make correct decision. All I can say about it is he seems like he has the makings of a decent father from the concern he’s shown over the stalking and the fact he’s attended the baby appointments, despite being a crap partner. try and seperate his role as a father from his role as a husband.

@DogMamma2024

You are in a precarious situation being very close to giving birth and have decided to stay with him in his house.

I have just read all your posts again OP.

Two days ago, you said you had been room mates only for a good few months, you were convinced it was over and you gave him back the ring. You were highly suspicious of his motives and didn’t trust him. You knew things weren’t right but you had let it drift and gone with the flow as he was under stress and needed to put himself first.
You were right in that he was chasing an inappropriate emotional affair and she was encouraging him in that. It seems she took him right to the brink (or even overstepped the brink for all you know) until she came to her senses and pulled it back at which point, she decided she had to talk to you, acting like a counsellor to get your trust and soothe your fears. He then had no alternative but to return his attentions from her, back to you and convince you that you had misunderstood. It wasn’t a betrayal at all. Their only motive had been to talk about you and the baby.
So now you are back to square one. Still roommates and probably still as suspicious of his motives as you were two days ago.

You can only trust your instincts OP. You have given him another chance to prove his worth and I can feel your sense of relief that this latest storm appears to be over so that you can settle again and have a bit of fresh hope.

He needs to be supporting you properly and consistently from now on, putting you first for the next few months at least, without subjecting you to any more dramas. Your need for a period of calm, has to be uppermost in his every deed and word now.

Your expectation should be that he makes plans to sell his house to move you all right away from the stalker drama as soon as possible. He should be reassuring you that the new property you live in with him, will legally belong to you both equally.
Wishing you the best with everything OP.

I'm really sorry but I don't believe what she says. She should be kicking him out to go home. There's something not right about the whole thing. Your husband's scared of having a baby?! What?! He thinks he's depressed?! Sounds like he liked his life before the baby, he could focus on himself and soon he can't. He actually sounds like a very selfish man.

"Also, don't listen to those who say not to put his name on the birth certificate. The child has a right to know."

This is two completely separate things. Your child can of course know who their father is without reading their birth certificate! All you need to do is to tell them.

Being named on the birth certificate gives certain rights to the father that can potentially cause issues for the mother and child. This is important to consider if there are problems with the relationship.

Hanging out with someone for hours every night after work whilst you are at home alone and pregnant IS being unfaithful to you regardless of whether anything sexual is in play. It's a betrayal and it's neglectful.

He probably is struggling with his mental health right now but that doesn't justify his disrespect and disregard for you and your relationship. Personally I couldn't forgive this. I think he has shown you who he is.

Well she’s quite the manipulator. She’s talked to round to thinking that there’s nothing going on,she’s trying to help,it’s all innocent and that you should probably be a bit more understanding!
Men often have affairs with their wives best friends. If the wife has suspicions,she will confide in her best friend who will reassure her that she’s just paranoid. So they will distract the wife from being on to them and they will also be clued up on how much the wife actually knows. This is what she’s doing and you’ve fallen for it.
You should have said to her “don’t you think you’re being highly inappropriate being with someone else’s partner everyday who’s about to be a father?”
I’m sorry but this conversation has just made the situation worse. She’s trying to get you on her side so she can figure you out and he’s in on it too. Your partner is a shit and you need to ditch him.
Go to your family who genuinely love you and ditch this cretin who has managed to get you questioning yourself

This. Also echo other posters saying that just because she doesn’t fancy him, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t fancy her. She may well just be using him for attention but the whole situation is inappropriate and he just isn’t supporting you as he should. Believe him when he shows you he isn’t capable of being a good partner at this very vulnerable time of your life. You deserve better. Do not give this child his surname. We all wish you the best, but you have to sometimes make difficult decisions to help yourself.

Agree with PP that I wouldn’t trust her and I would not be shocked if a few months after birth they ‘ suddenly’ discover they have feelings after all. And you will be away from your family with no claim on the house you live in.

If you have a good network of friends where you are it could be ok. If not, I seriously suggest going home to your parents town OP. It is feasible this close.

If he does ‘sort his head out’ and beg you to come back then you do so once your name is on the house. If he wants baby to have his name then he marries you. Etc.

💐