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Original poster

Fiancé wants to go "on a break" but I'm 36 weeks pregnant

538 replies

DogMamma2024 · 19/09/2024 23:27

Hi there, I'm not sure if anyone will even reply to this but I've been really struggling with this for over a week or so and I just don't know what else to do...

My fiance and I have been together three years and have had a really good relationship up until the past few months. We are suffering with a lot of external stress as we have an ongoing issue with a neighbour and an open stalking and harassment case with the police involving this neighbour. In the past few months this has intensified and my partner has been trying to shoulder most of it so it doesn't cause any issues with myself or the baby as we all know excessive stress can be harmful for babies development. I have noticed that our relationship has started to dwindle and we are more similar to being roommates at this stage rather than being in a supportive relationship. He is supportive of the pregnancy in so far as checking in with me regarding babies movements and how I'm feeling and attending appointments however, anything else is non-existent.

The past four weeks have been very difficult as he sat me down as said he can't take all of the stress anymore (job stress, harassment stress from the neighbour, family pressure etc.) and he said he was aware that he had been distant and not there to support me when I needed it and he had noticed that I had been feeling down and lonely but he just couldn't give me what I was needing. He then had said if I had not been so far along in pregnancy that I could have gone to stay with my family (they live 2 hours away) while he tried to sort his head out and get back to being the person that I fell in love with. I had said that obviously wasn't an option given my due date and I shouldn't have to leave my home for him to 'get better', but I can understand that he needs to make some sort of change to feel more mentally well. Since this initial discussion he has moved into the spare room and we are trialing some sort of odd 'separation' which I am struggling with. He had said he doesn't know if we should be together anymore and he wants to just see if he can 'get himself back' before the baby arrives because he wants to be the best dad he can be. I obviously want that for the baby too but I'm struggling to cope with how I'm feeling and the uncertainty that this is bringing at this time.

He has made a new friend, which is great, I have no problems with that and I am usually a very tolerant, chilled out person so we can go and do separate things and I don't mind. However, since he mentioned that he made this new friend (who is a female, again usually I wouldn't have an issue with this) he has been hanging out with her every night after work, so finishing at 5:30, showered, changed and out the house for 6pm and then not home until 9pm some nights I've started feeling very sad, lonely, unwanted and jealous. I don't understand how he doesn't have the mental energy to put into our relationship but he can go all these nice places with this new person instead? I told him the other day I had resigned myself to knowing that it was over between us and I gave him my ring back. He had asked me to not give up on him and assured me this person was just a friend. She has no interest in a relationship as her fiance recently left her at the altar. For as much as he says he loves me and he is positive about the future and everything will settle when the baby gets here, I have less hope than that. I know babies rarely keep people together and since we live in the same town as his family (and my support is over 2 hours away) I am feeling increasingly more isolated and that I'm almost 'paying pretend' that it will all be fine when the baby is here.

I guess I'm just wondering if I should set more boundaries in place as he's wanting the seperation, ie. Different bathrooms, he can do his own food shop, washing etc and ask him to stop saying "I love you" and using terms of endearment? I'm finding it so confusing that he says he loves me and then leaves to go and have a lovely time with his new friend while I sit in the house and get things ready for the baby.

I'm also starting to think if it was the other way around would he like me spending lots of time with some attractive man while he couldn't do things at home - the answer to that is definitely no. But then I'm thinking do I just give him as much space as I can (considering we still live in the same house and both work from home) and hope that he works it out before baby gets here. Or do I just resign myself to the fact he doesn't want to be with me but it too scared to actually say it?

If you've made it to the end of this I really appreciate it. The situation is so rubbish I don't even know what I'm looking for here, just someone to maybe have some encouragement that it won't end horribly - even if that just means baby and I will be fine with or without him. Thanks again 💕

OP posts:
whymewhyme · 21/09/2024 21:06

Honestly what the fuck is wrong with men, absolute cunt he is! He's having an affair, he's soft launching her and hoping you split up with him cuz he's a coward! If he can do this to you now at 36 weeks he desnt give a flying fuck about you or your prescious baby, he will walk away from the baby for sure so I do I understand where people are coming from re birth certificate it gives his PR.

Be prepared to be gaslighted HARD.

Lovefromjuliaxo · 21/09/2024 22:26

Dear god some of the scenarios people have made up here. Not even worth replying to. Talk about the voices of doom.

EmeraldIsla · 21/09/2024 22:49

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/09/2024 18:25

Why should the father not get rights to see his child? From what OP says, he is an arsehole, but not dangerous, or violent. Their relationship breaking down has nothing to do with his competence at being a father.

He should have the right to see the baby. But being on the BC gives him a lot of power to control OP. Best not to give that away too early on.

I’d be concentrating more on the rights of the child not to have a birth certificate with a blank where the father’s name should be. The adults can sort their problems outside of this.

soberholic · 21/09/2024 22:50

EmeraldIsla · 21/09/2024 22:49

I’d be concentrating more on the rights of the child not to have a birth certificate with a blank where the father’s name should be. The adults can sort their problems outside of this.

Show quote history

Exactly.

highwaysbyways · 21/09/2024 23:31

It's not really a rights issue, though, is it. It's more in the nice-to-have category. Children have a moral right to know who their father is, but I can't see how that extends to a birth certificate. Their mother can just tell them.

soberholic · 21/09/2024 23:56

highwaysbyways · 21/09/2024 23:31

It's not really a rights issue, though, is it. It's more in the nice-to-have category. Children have a moral right to know who their father is, but I can't see how that extends to a birth certificate. Their mother can just tell them.

Edited

From a purely logical perspective I get you, but from an emotional standpoint it's different.

I never had a relationship with my father as he was violent, but he was named on my birth certificate, and I'm grateful he was. There's something upsetting with a blank space

Codlingmoths · 22/09/2024 00:44

soberholic · 21/09/2024 23:56

From a purely logical perspective I get you, but from an emotional standpoint it's different.

I never had a relationship with my father as he was violent, but he was named on my birth certificate, and I'm grateful he was. There's something upsetting with a blank space

Show quote history

There might be, but are you thinking of all the children with neglectful or violent or otherwise abusive fathers who are in the picture and very hard to stop because they are on the birth certificate? You have to weigh up the harms here. If I didn’t trust my child’s dad to make good decisions about them I’d not put them on the birth certificate, sure they can apply but that gives me months with decision rights over my tiny newborn while the process goes through. Sure there might be a downside down the track but it’s all relative, there is often a downside right when they are tiny and the most vulnerable too.

Codlingmoths · 22/09/2024 00:46

EmeraldIsla · 21/09/2024 22:49

I’d be concentrating more on the rights of the child not to have a birth certificate with a blank where the father’s name should be. The adults can sort their problems outside of this.

Show quote history

I’d actually be 100% focussed on the child’s welfare and what means I can make sure they have the best love and care. The birth certificate can be updated, you can never ever get back those first 6-12 months of a baby’s life.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 22/09/2024 08:13

She might not have any feelings but I bet a months wages he does.

Tbh the only way he'll realise what he really wants is if you leave him. This half in, half out scenario just gives him his cake to eat. Trouble is I'd struggle to want to be with a man that needs such drastic action to realise where his loyalties lie.

Can you go and stay with your parents and register with another maternity unit. I did this at 36 weeks and it was fine. I think you need to be concentrating on you and the baby, not placating to his needs. Mental health or no mental health needs he might have.

Lovefromjuliaxo · 22/09/2024 16:36

Codlingmoths · 22/09/2024 00:44

There might be, but are you thinking of all the children with neglectful or violent or otherwise abusive fathers who are in the picture and very hard to stop because they are on the birth certificate? You have to weigh up the harms here. If I didn’t trust my child’s dad to make good decisions about them I’d not put them on the birth certificate, sure they can apply but that gives me months with decision rights over my tiny newborn while the process goes through. Sure there might be a downside down the track but it’s all relative, there is often a downside right when they are tiny and the most vulnerable too.

Show quote history

OP’s partner is not violent, dangerous or abusing her, this is why it’s digusting how people are suggesting leaving him off because he’s (likely) cheating.

Lovefromjuliaxo · 22/09/2024 16:40

highwaysbyways · 21/09/2024 23:31

It's not really a rights issue, though, is it. It's more in the nice-to-have category. Children have a moral right to know who their father is, but I can't see how that extends to a birth certificate. Their mother can just tell them.

Edited

Because it stops the father having a relationship and bonding with his baby in the important early stages while he is fighting for the right to see them. It should only be done if the father is dangerous or abusive. Not because he’s (likely) having at the very least an emotional affair. OP’s partner might be a shit partner but he has attended appointments and appears to care about baby, despite them seeming like roommates now.

Velvian · 22/09/2024 18:22

@Lovefromjuliaxo, it is not in the power of an unmarried mother to add a father on the birth certificate, the father has to be at the registration or I think he can fill in a form at a later date.

martinisforeveryone · 22/09/2024 20:09

Because it stops the father having a relationship and bonding with his baby in the important early stages while he is fighting for the right to see them.

Firstly not arranging for him to attend the registration and agree to his name being included on the birth certificate does not mean he has to fight to see the child and secondly a name on a bit of paper isn't what facilitates bonding, that'd be down to his level of interest and the effort he makes. There's absolutely nothing to suggest that the OP intends to be a stumbling block for that.

Lovefromjuliaxo · 22/09/2024 21:29

Velvian · 22/09/2024 18:22

@Lovefromjuliaxo, it is not in the power of an unmarried mother to add a father on the birth certificate, the father has to be at the registration or I think he can fill in a form at a later date.

Yes I know. OP hasn’t said he won’t go.

Lovefromjuliaxo · 22/09/2024 21:31

martinisforeveryone · 22/09/2024 20:09

Because it stops the father having a relationship and bonding with his baby in the important early stages while he is fighting for the right to see them.

Firstly not arranging for him to attend the registration and agree to his name being included on the birth certificate does not mean he has to fight to see the child and secondly a name on a bit of paper isn't what facilitates bonding, that'd be down to his level of interest and the effort he makes. There's absolutely nothing to suggest that the OP intends to be a stumbling block for that.

If the mother won’t let him come to put his name on the certificate he will have to apply to court for declaration of parentage which can take weeks, thus missing the initial stages of bonding with baby. People who are suggesting not putting his name on the certificate are also saying it would serve him right to have to fight to see baby through court/ miss out.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 22/09/2024 22:54

a name on a piece of paper will not stop a father from bonding with his baby - if the father is present !

the lack of a name on a piece of paper will allow the mother to move where ever she wants/needs to live, choose the school of her choice etc.

BlueBellsArePretty · 22/09/2024 23:16

If the mother won’t let him come to put his name on the certificate he will have to apply to court for declaration of parentage which can take weeks, thus missing the initial stages of bonding with baby.

His name missing from the certificate will not prevent him from using the phone, WhatsApp and a plethora of other methods of communication to actually contact the mother of his child to arrange time with his child.

As for the blank space on the birth certificate I doubt any child cares. It wasn't a document I perused much as a child.

@Lovefromjuliaxo you seem very invested in making sure everything turns out ok for the dad in this scenario.

Lovefromjuliaxo · 22/09/2024 23:20

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 22/09/2024 22:54

a name on a piece of paper will not stop a father from bonding with his baby - if the father is present !

the lack of a name on a piece of paper will allow the mother to move where ever she wants/needs to live, choose the school of her choice etc.

It will also be upsetting for the child growing up realising there is a blank where her father should be; even if she/he is in regular contact with their dad. He might be a rubbish partner but he has just as much right to the child as the mother, leaving a father off the certificate should only be done in extreme circumstances such as him being dangerous or abusive. If OP splits with partner im assuming she plans to live near him anyway so baby can spend time with her father.

BlueBellsArePretty · 22/09/2024 23:31

He might be a rubbish partner but he has just as much right to the child as the mother, leaving a father off the certificate should only be done in extreme circumstances such as him being dangerous or abusive.

Well the law as it stands at the moment allows mothers to leave fathers off the birth certificate when unmarried for whatever reason she chooses.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 22/09/2024 23:31

@Lovefromjuliaxo

actually her family are a couple of hours away

and she has been advised by several posters to be near her family/support.

if i were @DogMamma2024 that is where i would be headed at the end of this week i.e. after this week's midwife appointment and the first day of my maternity leave.

BlueBellsArePretty · 22/09/2024 23:48

@Lovefromjuliaxo

Why would a child even be aware that their father's name was not on their birth certificate?

Also if the father has not taken steps to have himself added by the time a child can understand the concept of a birth certificate then it suggests he has no serious interest in raising his child.

mathanxiety · 23/09/2024 04:08

Lovefromjuliaxo · 22/09/2024 23:20

It will also be upsetting for the child growing up realising there is a blank where her father should be; even if she/he is in regular contact with their dad. He might be a rubbish partner but he has just as much right to the child as the mother, leaving a father off the certificate should only be done in extreme circumstances such as him being dangerous or abusive. If OP splits with partner im assuming she plans to live near him anyway so baby can spend time with her father.

Edited
Show quote history

Or he could move closer to where the baby lives in order to spend time with him or her. That would show genuine interest and would also acknowledge the fact that the mother has the right andngivwn the circumstances, the genuine need for the support of her own family network as she raises his child alone.

She would be an utter fool to stay close to this so-called man and his girlfriend, putting herself out while facilitating the relationship that will be completely out in the open once the path is clear, and trying hard to make a man who has no interest in the baby beyond perfunctory inquiries show some semblance of care for his own child.

If this prince among men had any interest in the welfare of the mother of his baby, and by implication, the welfare of the baby she is carrying, he would not be putting her through the wringer by indulging in an emotional affair and perhaps even more, he would have married her before knocking her up, or he would have rushed to add her name to the deeds of the house as soon as they realized they were having a baby.

The man is what used to be called a cad.

Yet all you care about is the rights of the father - why?

ChaChaChooey · 23/09/2024 08:20

Lovefromjuliaxo · 22/09/2024 23:20

It will also be upsetting for the child growing up realising there is a blank where her father should be; even if she/he is in regular contact with their dad. He might be a rubbish partner but he has just as much right to the child as the mother, leaving a father off the certificate should only be done in extreme circumstances such as him being dangerous or abusive. If OP splits with partner im assuming she plans to live near him anyway so baby can spend time with her father.

Edited
Show quote history

Tell that to all the unmarried fathers who couldn’t be arsed to attend the registrar appointment.

A short form BC has no parents listed, so no kid needs to be outed for having a crap dad.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 23/09/2024 10:07

All this about the father not being on a birth certificate

what about the Op - she isn't even on the house deeds or on the mortgage of the property she lives in, and that the baby could live in.

and the father to be has made a choice along with the Op not to put their names on a very important certificate - a marriage certificate !!!

just think what a huge difference that would have made...

Lovefromjuliaxo · 23/09/2024 10:08

ChaChaChooey · 23/09/2024 08:20

Tell that to all the unmarried fathers who couldn’t be arsed to attend the registrar appointment.

A short form BC has no parents listed, so no kid needs to be outed for having a crap dad.

Show quote history

In this case the father hasn’t bothered not turning up

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