Fiancé wants to go "on a break" but I'm 36 weeks pregnant

[DogMamma2024]

Hi there, I'm not sure if anyone will even reply to this but I've been really struggling with this for over a week or so and I just don't know what else to do...

My fiance and I have been together three years and have had a really good relationship up until the past few months. We are suffering with a lot of external stress as we have an ongoing issue with a neighbour and an open stalking and harassment case with the police involving this neighbour. In the past few months this has intensified and my partner has been trying to shoulder most of it so it doesn't cause any issues with myself or the baby as we all know excessive stress can be harmful for babies development. I have noticed that our relationship has started to dwindle and we are more similar to being roommates at this stage rather than being in a supportive relationship. He is supportive of the pregnancy in so far as checking in with me regarding babies movements and how I'm feeling and attending appointments however, anything else is non-existent.

The past four weeks have been very difficult as he sat me down as said he can't take all of the stress anymore (job stress, harassment stress from the neighbour, family pressure etc.) and he said he was aware that he had been distant and not there to support me when I needed it and he had noticed that I had been feeling down and lonely but he just couldn't give me what I was needing. He then had said if I had not been so far along in pregnancy that I could have gone to stay with my family (they live 2 hours away) while he tried to sort his head out and get back to being the person that I fell in love with. I had said that obviously wasn't an option given my due date and I shouldn't have to leave my home for him to 'get better', but I can understand that he needs to make some sort of change to feel more mentally well. Since this initial discussion he has moved into the spare room and we are trialing some sort of odd 'separation' which I am struggling with. He had said he doesn't know if we should be together anymore and he wants to just see if he can 'get himself back' before the baby arrives because he wants to be the best dad he can be. I obviously want that for the baby too but I'm struggling to cope with how I'm feeling and the uncertainty that this is bringing at this time.

He has made a new friend, which is great, I have no problems with that and I am usually a very tolerant, chilled out person so we can go and do separate things and I don't mind. However, since he mentioned that he made this new friend (who is a female, again usually I wouldn't have an issue with this) he has been hanging out with her every night after work, so finishing at 5:30, showered, changed and out the house for 6pm and then not home until 9pm some nights I've started feeling very sad, lonely, unwanted and jealous. I don't understand how he doesn't have the mental energy to put into our relationship but he can go all these nice places with this new person instead? I told him the other day I had resigned myself to knowing that it was over between us and I gave him my ring back. He had asked me to not give up on him and assured me this person was just a friend. She has no interest in a relationship as her fiance recently left her at the altar. For as much as he says he loves me and he is positive about the future and everything will settle when the baby gets here, I have less hope than that. I know babies rarely keep people together and since we live in the same town as his family (and my support is over 2 hours away) I am feeling increasingly more isolated and that I'm almost 'paying pretend' that it will all be fine when the baby is here.

I guess I'm just wondering if I should set more boundaries in place as he's wanting the seperation, ie. Different bathrooms, he can do his own food shop, washing etc and ask him to stop saying "I love you" and using terms of endearment? I'm finding it so confusing that he says he loves me and then leaves to go and have a lovely time with his new friend while I sit in the house and get things ready for the baby.

I'm also starting to think if it was the other way around would he like me spending lots of time with some attractive man while he couldn't do things at home - the answer to that is definitely no. But then I'm thinking do I just give him as much space as I can (considering we still live in the same house and both work from home) and hope that he works it out before baby gets here. Or do I just resign myself to the fact he doesn't want to be with me but it too scared to actually say it?

If you've made it to the end of this I really appreciate it. The situation is so rubbish I don't even know what I'm looking for here, just someone to maybe have some encouragement that it won't end horribly - even if that just means baby and I will be fine with or without him. Thanks again 💕

Just because she works in social care and deals with mental health doesn’t make this alright. She is still overstepping letting this engaged guy (who has a 36 week pregnant fiancée…) come over to her house every evening. She is either naive or just lying to herself. Also, quite a few people working in health and social care are a fucking mess themselves behind closed doors. Sorry but it’s true, they’re human beings.

he’s making the effort of showering before going over to her place, oh come on. What do you think he wants to happen? If it looks like a duck etc.

OP, I know how much you want to believe your partner and this woman but I've been myself there and heard the lies from both parties. Please don't be fooled.

But let's say their relationship is innocent. You are close to giving birth, you will no doubt be experiencing insomnia, aches and pains, nausea, all sorts of discomforts associated with pregnancy and THAT selfish prat of a partner is off out every night freshly showered to meet some woman because the poor man is feeling stressed and needs a break. THAT in itself is enough to give him a permanent break, it would be for me!!

OP you have said,
"he has been hanging out with her every night after work, so finishing at 5:30, showered, changed and out the house for 6pm and then not home until 9pm some nights I've started feeling very sad, lonely, unwanted and jealous. I don't understand how he doesn't have the mental energy to put into our relationship but he can go all these nice places with this new person instead?"

Look at their actions not their words.

I understand that he's put you in a terrible position and you want to hope that it's now resolved, but how he behaves going forward will tell you what you need to do. If he stops seeing her now, attends counselling and starts to give you the support you need and looks into buying a new home together where you are both on the deeds then maybe you can put his terrible behaviour behind you.

If he continues to see her despite the fact he's making you feel 'very sad, lonely, unwanted and jealous' then it proves he doesn't care about you and your baby.

Please talk to your family and friends about what he's been doing and how he's making you feel. You need real life support. You sound like a lovely person and I'm sure there are plenty of people around you who genuinely care for you, so please reach out to them.

I agree this 100%

@DogMamma2024

Well, all I can say is that it's your decision. At 36 weeks I can understand why you don't want any major upheaval.

BUT, please remember that at the very least he is treating you unkindly. At the very most, he's cheating on you emotionally and/or physically. Remember too, and this is important, that one should never go 'outside' a relationship to solve problems 'inside' the relationship and that's exactly what he's doing. Instead of turning to you and saying "Help me fix myself" he's turning to another woman (friend or 'more than friend') and asking HER to 'fix him'. That is 100% wrong and often leads to an affair.

As far as this woman goes, you simply cannot trust anything she says. She has no loyalty to you and every reason to 'smooth things' for him, and possibly herself. So tuck that knowledge into a corner of your brain for now, but don't forget it.

Also, you need to take a look at your own financial situation. If you are not self-supporting or have the training/certificates to be self supporting the time is now to make that plan. I know it may not be the right time to actually DO the plan, but just make one. And if you'd planned on being a SAHM, I'd definitely rethink that, at least for now. IMHO he has, at the very least, made himself appear untrustworthy. You need to be able to take care of yourself and baby in the event that the 'appearance' becomes fact.

Good luck to you.

I think unfortunately he’s shown you he cannot be relied upon when the going gets tough. This is a time when you and the baby come first, not his own emotional needs.

I actually think you do one of 2 things, a) accept it’s over & leave now or b) marry him and accept nothing less.

You are currently in an incredibly precarious position whereby HE owns your home and even though you have been contributing, if you split you are likely to end up with nothing. If you marry, there will be some provision in divorce.

Or go it alone from the off (which long term will be less traumatic for your child) and give the child your last name - you do not want to spend your life proving you are related for simple things like holidays, childcare and banking.

Im sorry but regardless of whether he’s had an affair, he has betrayed you when you are most vulnerable. It’s unlikely to go the distance.

If the house is in his name then "we" don't own it. A fiance isn't a contract, he owes you nothing in the way of security. Whether he is having a physical affair or not doesn't really matter, he has broken up with you and is trying to make sure she doesn't see him as the bad guy. Nothing about this is considering your interests and financial security. Please start putting yourself first, no one else here is going to

Some of them are drawn to it having had troubled lives and been in the system themselves.

I know one who is like you describe (currently training as a social worker).

Why should the father not get rights to see his child? From what OP says, he is an arsehole, but not dangerous, or violent. Their relationship breaking down has nothing to do with his competence at being a father.

yes, I’m aware he can fight for rights while being off the certificate but you are denying your baby the chance to bond with their dad during the early stages.

most kids would be horrified growing up to find out their mum left the dad off the birth certificate because he had an emotional affair/ cheated.

and if a man could and wanted to leave the child’s mother off the birth certificate because she cheated, he would be flamed and rightly so.

i am more shocked OP chose to have a baby with someone despite her name not being on the house or anything. She has 0 security.

@DogMamma2024, this woman cannot be trusted. She has an agenda to pay lip service to what you want to hear, but her actions prove that she is not a ‘friend of your relationship’.

It’s clear that there is much mutual validation and emotional investment flowing between them. He is sprucing up every evening to accompany her to ‘nice places’ where they are having fun, confiding, and building emotional intimacy/reliance … while you are left at home hugely pregnant and feeling sad, alone, unloved and unsettled. Night after night.

@DogMamma2024, you’re being duped by both of them to throw you off the scent. I assume that they’ll now go underground or lie low for a while until the dust settles.

You and the baby are on shifting sands with this faithless and unreliable guy, and would be in a much more stable position being closer to family.

Why should the father not get rights to see his child? From what OP says, he is an arsehole, but not dangerous, or violent. Their relationship breaking down has nothing to do with his competence at being a father.

He should have the right to see the baby. But being on the BC gives him a lot of power to control OP. Best not to give that away too early on.

most kids would be horrified growing up to find out their mum left the dad off the birth certificate because he had an emotional affair/ cheated.

Adoptee here. Turns out my BF was seemingly a bit of a twat in the context of my pregnant BM anyway. No, I do not judge her for her decisions.

It's not true that 'most kids' would disagree with the mum's choice to not put him on the BC, as long as they are honest about who the father is. 'Kids' could have a wide range of views, based on the circs, and a cheater who left their mum at 36 weeks pregnant doesn't come across particularly sympathetically.

As I understand it - if a couple is unmarried the father has to turn up to register the child. He may insist on it, he may refuse, he may go, yep I'll be there and not turn up. He may not even be aware that if he doesn't go on the BC he therefore doesn't have PR automatically, if he doesn't attend. I guess he can go to court to get on the BC after that, if he figures it out? Costly and a pain but he may do it.

It's a headache.

If the father doesn't shape up by the time of the birth or shortly thereafter I think I'd chance my arm too and register w/o him.

Nothing would happen civilly/legally if the OP did that.

and if a man could and wanted to leave the child’s mother off the birth certificate because she cheated, he would be flamed and rightly so.#

What does this even mean? If she's cheated 'the man' is quite likely not the father...

You know you can't leave an actual mother, who gave birth to the child, off a BC...right?

He has not shown any controlling tendancies unless OP is drip feeding, just seems like he’s checked out of the relationship. It seems ridiculous to not let a man (albeit one who is possibly cheating) on the birth certificate on the off chance he turns controlling overnight. Dear god.

Yes, I do know you can’t leave a mother off BC. I am just saying if a man behaved in a similar way he would be flamed on here. Leaving a parent off the BC is done if a parent is violent or dangerous, or you don’t know who they are. Not because they’ve cheated.

If he doesn’t turn up, fair enough, but people here are just suggesting OP registers baby alone anyway. As bad as a partner he is, he has been attending appointments for baby and showing concern for baby. He’s a rubbish partner but that doesn’t give OP the right to remove him from the birth certificate.

And apparently it didn't occur to the father of the baby to give the mother of his child that security either, and despite her advanced pregnancy, not only has he failed to do this, but he has also struck up a relationship with another woman that occupies all of his evenings and causes him to shower and change clothes as soon as he gets back to his house.

Competence at fatherhood is directly related to competence at partnership with the mother. This man is not a partner to the mother and has no intention of being a partner to her. He has abandoned her when she needs him most, and has failed to secure her right to live in the house she will shortly bring their baby back to.

I would hope that most kids would have more of a moral compassion than this so called man, and would be horrified that he had treated their mother like a slab of fucking meat.

Cheating isn't a small pecadillo. It's abandonment and betrayal, and cheating on a woman while she's carrying your baby is utterly despicable.

Getting a woman pregnant without the legal safeguard of marriage or her name on the deeds of the home they share is the act of a twat.

He dumped her at 36 weeks pregnant! Just the logistics of making a registrar appointment with a newborn and a man who recently dumped you (especially if you’ve moved 2 hours away and had the baby in your home town in order to get some meaningful support) is enough reason to go to the appointment alone.

If he wanted an automatic listing as the baby’s father he should’ve married the baby’s mother, no need to attend the appointment.

Should he have an automatic right to determine where his ex girlfriend lives for the next 18 years?

He’s a rubbish partner but that doesn’t give OP the right to remove him from the birth certificate

As he's such a wanker before the baby's born, and he's messing the OP around, I think she has every right to leave him off.

He is the sort of dad who could easily be very controlling.

Definitely keep him off the BC.

As the mother, she actually does have the right. I know it might seem wrong, but it seems to be the way it is.

People suggested to leave him off because he has a plan which he is not sharing with the partner about to give birth to his child. He is seeing another woman, he is making excuses to stay on an even keel with his pregnant partner but to distance himself. He even suggested obliquely she go and stay with her family. The house is owned by him - OP thinks it is 'their' house and pays half, but it isn't, as it is in his name.

The scenario looks increasingly like:

• He effectively separates from OP before the birth due to 'issues with the neighbour and other pressure'. ... I'm sorry. Because he's got someone else.
• He keeps everything nice for OP to give birth.
• When the baby's born he says separation stays final.
• He moves OW into his house.
• He has baby half the time despite disruption to baby and mum, and OW becomes immediate step mum to OP's child.
• OP can do nothing. She's alone, living with family - nothing to show for what she's put into his house, and nowhere to live. Her baby is taken away half the time to live in her old house with her fiancé and OW.

I'm sorry but this feels like OW is being used to birth his baby.

If she doesn't put him on the cert, she has much more control over her and the baby's life. I personally think in this situation that's what she should do. It's extreme to cheat on and lie to your heavily pregnant fiancé. He doesn't deserve to be treated like a nice guy.

OP is nice and will not doubt of course facilitate the relationship for baby and dad, but on her terms.

Take her up on her offer of meeting, it might help to face her with reality. She can claim she was just helping and listening to his troubles, but at best she's a niive ear if she can't see how every night of the week means attachment at least from his side, if not from hers.
Every evening a shower before going out to meet her? - only not fishy if he works a physical job like labouring and would shower usually after work.
At least he's worried about how his life is going to change, as some fathers ensure that their life changes very little and put it all on the mother. It's difficult to have empathy for a man's fears around it though, it's not like it's ever easier for a woman having a child.

I agree with you on this. I remember years ago my boyfriend at the time had a brother who'd gotten a girl pregnant and she was controlling him by threatening to leave his name off the birth certificate if he didn't do everything she demanded while pregnant. So he was jumping to her every demand.

Leaving a name off shouldn't be done as a method of punishment, nor should it be done to get around the law - rather the law should be followed. If that restricts where the child can live, school decisions etc, it should be followed. After all the law is there to protect the interests of the child.

Also the mother doesn't have to be the main care-giver or resident parent. She's free to leave the baby with him and move.

i dont think you are being an idiot.
He absolutely is.
yes communication is vital. so include expressing how fucking humiliting it is to be put in situation where the convo with the girl was ever required. Im glad she was nice.and you feel more settled.
However, THIS is him. ALL: about him..
Please at least take on board that includes how HE treats you.
good luck. xx

Absolutely this.

I think him and OW have agreed to cool it until baby is born so that OP doesn’t leave. I predict as soon as baby has his name and he is on BC things will change for OP.

He and OW will ‘suddenly’ have feelings for each other. I also think he’ll have some kind of awful narrative about OP changing once pregnant and not understanding his depression and OW saving his life - to justify his appalling behaviour. OP will have to move out and will be stuck living near them and his parents for 18y.

It is a shame that BC can be used as a weapon like this but it’s the reality of the situation.

I really hope OP leaves. I can’t see how he can possibly love OP deserting her so much at a time when he should cherish her the most.