My mother never wants to help with the kidss

[Lucia212]

What can I do in this situation? or any advice anyone can give much appreciated.
My mum lives close by lives on her own very much in her routines but never wants to help with the kids. In 4 years I've never had a night off. I'm exhausted and OH aswell. We've never had a night or day to ourselves either to spend time together. We are both exhausted, juggling full time jobs and kids 24/7 literally.
My mum used to live literally 5 minutes from the kids nursery and never helped with pick ups and we'd be juggling work and racing across town to do it (as we recently moved). During moving home no help with kids then either had to do it all with them aswell. She just makes excuses, my son is still young, they don't go bed at 7, she's on her own to look after 2 kids. She's had my brother's 2 kids on her own only twice though.
Or she often says her mum never helped her out with the kids.
I don't know what the deal is. And when we go anywhere like family gatherings/parties she's just on my case (she's a worrier) calling me every minute to watch the kids or stop them going somewhere or get them something or watch them when they are fine. She could also help if she felt to intervene! I can't relax or sit or chat to anyone. I feel run ragged and she makes life worse and harder rather than easier. My children aren't feral/naughty they're just normal kids so I don't get why she's being so hard on me and not wanting to help.
Last weekend I ended up staying at hers for a 'sleepover' with the kids it was a waste of time as I had a bunch of things I could be catching up with at home and didn't get any sleep I came home worse off!! not doing that again.
She gets upset when SIL's mum is more involved than she is but she's not exactly being helpful and pushing us away if anything.

I think she said that her mother had looked after her brother's children on their own twice, not twice a week.

My mother never helped me either, told me it was my own fault I was a single parent, and I must have provoked XH into violence against me.

My DC are adults now.

If parents don't owe us anything, then we don't owe them anything either. They're on their own when they need help.

Yes, we all chose to have children, they're our responsibility, but equally, we didn't ask to be born, so we owe them nothing.

The other families I know, single parents or otherwise, all help each other out, and no-one uses the term childcare.

My parents helped me, and I'd like to think I'll help mine when/if the time comes.
But it should never be expected.

Looking after children, even for an hour or two, is not for everyone. I would rather have my teeth pulled without anesthetic than spend time in charge of other people's children. I am quite simply very bad at it. And I am sure that the children concerned would feel the same way about the prospect of spending time with me. I am sure your mother feels she has 'done her time' regarding looking after children and would rather spend her time doing other stuff.

I'm getting a bit fed up with all those who are saying that wanting some help is sounding entitled, or it's your own problem you had kids. Such rubbish. When our close family need help, surely it's nice to step up even if it puts us out a bit? My mum doesn't drive and needs me to take her to some appointments. I could say, well it's your own fault you never learned to drive! You're on your own! But that would be mean.
Children are a part of the family and I agree it isn't unreasonable to expect a little help now and then.

This sounds as though you are being coerced into looking after some random children at a beach or a cafe, while their parents go off on their own, not your own family, who presumably you will have known from birth, and would be given some advance warning to be asked to babysit (unless an emergency!)

The poster is trying to get across how they feel and how others may feel, which is why they won't look after anyone's children even if it their grandchild.

It’s a shame that your mum isn’t interested in helping out. However she may feel overwhelmed by looking after small children. It’s not for everyone and it is exhausting.
I don’t think it’s fair to expect the help. It’s just lovely if it’s given.

All the 'well, if she doesn't help with your kids then you don't need to help her when she ages' - how many generations are women supposed to care for before they can ask for help?

I mean, if you've brought up your own children, you can't ask them for help unless you also help them with their children, apparently - what if their children also have children, would you expect to care for them too, in case you might need help when you're older, in case any denial results in assistance being withheld?

It just seems to me that women are supposed to put their own lives on hold indefinitely to care for younger generations. When is it OUR turn?

I feel it's the age old story - If as a woman you do not do everything asked as a complete and utter doormat, those you have raised to feel entitled to treat you like a doormat will say oh well she won't see the GC and we won't see her either.

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat I'm one of the people saying I feel no obligation to help my MIL as she refused to help us when I was hospitalised. I stand by that decision. She didn't care for her mother but her mother looked after DH loads. She's a selfish cow, always has been, always will be.

I do get that it's always women who are expected to help. Ironically, if FIL had lived in this country I'm fairly certain he would have dropped everything to come and look after DS1, but sadly he wasn't.

I don't think that it's necessarily that transactional, i.e. if you don't help me with child care, I won't help you when you get old.

If parents refuse to provide any help at all to their adult children, not necessarily regular childcare but help in emergencies and showing an interest in their grandchildren, it is likely that the relationship will be poor. Therefore, it would be much less likely that their children will be willing to put themselves out to provide elderly care to their parents when needed.

I mean I help my children and grandchildren as much as I possibly can - emotionally, financially, hosting and cooking, playing with and reading to GC. I have them ON when older but not so keen on actual childcare when they are very small especially overnight but will do in emergencies/ special events. I just find it a lot of responsibility and get very tired.

I think the main thing is it's not expected as a given on their side, and it's freely given on mine.

are you talking about your GC ? Or children in general? …..I wouldn’t look after any random child …… but my GC are different…..they are my children’s children….,they look like my AC….,they have the mannerisms of my AC …..it’s like having my own AC small again…..it’s this that leads me to enjoying time with them…,that said I wouldn’t want them all the time….but a couple of times a week works well for me

And I suppose another important thing is where is your heart in it all - if you live your children and GC then you don't have to be DOING everything but bring there, caring and enjoying and being part of each others lives is very important. Similarly if your parents lived you and go live you and you live them then obviously you care about them when they are older - again not necessarily bring their career and doing everything but caring and helping, supporting.

Should really proof read, am way too impatient apologies.
Love not live , care not career 😆

Agree. Look at the post directly after yours for an example of the level of vileness women get when they express any frustration with the level of work required to be a mother.
The Super Mommies come out in force in these kind of threads.

How often do grandparents help out with your kids?

She doesn't want to. That must be really painful when you see people all around you whose mums are delighted to help and love bonding with their grandchildren - I feel for you. But the best thing you can do for yourself is accept that she is not going to be who you want her to be, and strengthen the other support networks around you. x

You missed the point. Grandma shows no interest in her grandchildren. So why should OP go out of her way to visit?
It's not about punishing Grandma or about a transaction, it's about not wasting her precious time trying to get her mom to show an interest. She works full time and has kids, so she doesn't have the time to waste. She already gave an example of a sleepover that was an epic fail. She has tried but her mother is just not into it. You seem to have missed that aspect of it entirely, as have the other people who dismissed OP as "entitled."

You're trying to connect this to ultimatums about wills and elder care because....?
Who even thinks that way?

Exactly. Grandma is not entitled to OP making that kind of effort anymore than OP is entitled to childcare, especially since Grandma seems to have little to no interest in the kids. It works both ways.

Yes, surely the point isn't that the OP is preventing access to the grandparents, it's more that she wouldn't be facilitating it.

There's a difference between saying "If you don't provide childcare, I'm not going to let you see your grandchildren", which is clearly unreasonable, and "Sorry we can't come and stay this weekend because we have other things to do, but you can pop round and have a chat with the kids after school one day if you like". Even if it's unlikely that the grandparents will take up the offer because they prefer the kids to come to them.

That's exactly the point. It's okay for OP to refuse to inconvenience herself.
I would go out of my way if the GP was genuinely interested in a relationship with the kids, but in this case she seems not to be, so there's no point.

@Kitkat1523 When I say I wouldn't take care of others' children, I am talking about all children, including those in my family. For me it makes no difference if I am related to them. I'd certainly be happy to help out in other ways.