My mother never wants to help with the kidss

[Lucia212]

What can I do in this situation? or any advice anyone can give much appreciated.
My mum lives close by lives on her own very much in her routines but never wants to help with the kids. In 4 years I've never had a night off. I'm exhausted and OH aswell. We've never had a night or day to ourselves either to spend time together. We are both exhausted, juggling full time jobs and kids 24/7 literally.
My mum used to live literally 5 minutes from the kids nursery and never helped with pick ups and we'd be juggling work and racing across town to do it (as we recently moved). During moving home no help with kids then either had to do it all with them aswell. She just makes excuses, my son is still young, they don't go bed at 7, she's on her own to look after 2 kids. She's had my brother's 2 kids on her own only twice though.
Or she often says her mum never helped her out with the kids.
I don't know what the deal is. And when we go anywhere like family gatherings/parties she's just on my case (she's a worrier) calling me every minute to watch the kids or stop them going somewhere or get them something or watch them when they are fine. She could also help if she felt to intervene! I can't relax or sit or chat to anyone. I feel run ragged and she makes life worse and harder rather than easier. My children aren't feral/naughty they're just normal kids so I don't get why she's being so hard on me and not wanting to help.
Last weekend I ended up staying at hers for a 'sleepover' with the kids it was a waste of time as I had a bunch of things I could be catching up with at home and didn't get any sleep I came home worse off!! not doing that again.
She gets upset when SIL's mum is more involved than she is but she's not exactly being helpful and pushing us away if anything.

You are not entitled at all and there is nothing wrong in hoping that they would offer you some help, many do lots for their kids and want to spend time with their GKs, some even do daytime childcare. I know mine would if she lived closer to us, and when we went in the summer she was more than happy to have my kids so I could go out with friends. Sadly your mum is not one of the ones that wants to help. When my kids were younger we had a baby sitting group and my brother and sister had them for occasional sleepovers. But it is her loss as she won't have a close bond with her GKs.

I know how you feel, my parents never offer to have my children, or want to come to anything at school.

yes they are my children but it would be nice for them to have a closer relationship. My in-laws will have them but we don’t like to take the p. My parents think we shouldn’t have a break purely because they didn’t!

My uncle (dad’s brother) and his wife have their grandkids most of the time, my dad makes comments that they are pushy and that my cousin dumps the kids on them which is rubbish, they enjoy their grandchildren.

it’s upsetting OP but i don’t think your mum will change unfortunately.

My parents think we shouldn’t have a break purely because they didn’t!
That's such a shame @Saymynamesaymyname1984 , I dont know why they are so mean spirited, maybe they had bad upbringingsg? I do what I can to help my children and of course I want them to have a better life than I had, for one thing society has moved forward.
It's much more than helping you, this is their lineage, dont they want to be part of their gc's lives? So often traits seem to skip a generation, my son has looked so much like his grandad at times, I see my nan in me all the time.

MN always seems very ‘why should GP look after the kids’. I’m not sure why, maybe lots haven’t had help and are jealous of those who do.

Well OP has explained her mum raised her siblings and then she obviously raised OP. Ar what point does her mum just have a break and not look after any kids? Even if OP is only asking for a bit here or there.

Wow
DGs have absolutely no obligation to provide childcare whether next door or 13,000 miles away. What an arrogant assumption, and then to say not doing it is selfish is astounding.
Yes, it would be nice if they offered, but to accuse them of selfishness is outrageous.
Why can't they enjoy the rest of their adult liives doing something for themselves after bringing up their own children? You make your lifestyle choices; they shouldn't be predicated on an expectation of someone else supporting it

Uncalled for

Again this attitude...
"If I am not in the will, I will not be looking after you in old age"
"If you don't provide me with chilcare, you are not going to see your grandchild/ren"
Or some variation of this transactional, entitled, mean attitude towards parents.

And another one!
Incredible

Because it is only a bit here and there? So lots of times when her mum isn’t looking after kids

@NQOCDarling

I do understand your point, but I actually think that parenting is life long. If your child needs support in adulthood you step up as best you can. An evening here and there, once every three or four months, isn't much to expect from a parent.

I think it's ok for the OP feel that her mum has just dropped that emotional connection with her. Just as you would a friend if, say, they didn't support you in a time of need.

For her to not rush to cancel everything to allow the GP to visit is a perfectly legitimate response to getting zero support. It's not the same as withholding access to DC - it's just not rearranging your life to accommodate a flexibility you don't see in return

I think that it's nice to support children and family throughout life, however that doesn't mean child care just general care and support. You have two parents and chose to have children U think your expectations are wrong. Think more about family time and connection with your mother than the fact you feel she should be looking after your children for you.

Both sets of family live several hours away from us. We've had a couple of occasions where we've been able to go out in the evening alone but have just accepted that this will be on standby for a few years. I'm due another baby in a few weeks and I'm grateful my mum can watch ds but I wouldn't expect her to cover date nights. Me and dh both work full time too but I don't feel particularly hard done by. It's the choice we made and I love my ds.

My MIL has never once babysat or had my dc on her own. I've accepted that. Her choice not to help us out. She and her husband moved to several.hoyrs away when DS1 was tiny. Since then they have visited us twice. DS1 is now 28.

Ww have always been expected to make the journey there (5 hours on a good day) and have to pay for accommodation as they don't want us staying with them. Never had any offer to babysit whilst DH and I go out to dinner etc.

The low point cane when I was admitted to hospital unexpectedly when pregnant with DS2. My mum was a Head Teacher so couldn't take time off to help look after DS1. DH asked his mum if she could help. DS1 was in childcare 3 days a week so it was just 2 days a week for 2 weeks that we needed (I was booked for CS so knew end date) but she refused as it would be "too much work". Instead, poor DS had to be juggled between various friends whilst missing me.

MIL is now 92, fairly incapacitated, and on her own as her husband died a couple of years ago. She's very lonely. We visit once a year and I feel no obligation towards her whatsoever.

I completely get that she had no duty or obligation to help us out. But that works both ways.

Thank you. Fair points!

We’ve never had expectations that parents will help. Eldest is approaching secondary school age - DP & I have had maybe 3nights out together since having our three. Wouldn’t have it any other way. We chose to have kids.

For everyone saying the grandparents isn't obliged to help (agree they're not) or when do they get a break from childcare (if they babysat every 6 weeks for example, they'd have 41 other days to have their break) ....but what about the children? A grandparent-grandchild relationship is quite unique and hopefully a positive thing for a child.
I grew up without grandparents, and, in a way, I didn't miss what I'd never had....but I think I might have felt sad about it if I'd known my GPS were alive but I didn't really know them. One of the things I enjoyed about seeing DCs grandparents was the relationship/interactions with them

Again it’s always women who are expected to help.
What about fathers on both sides?
Perhaps the women did all the grunt work of raising their own dcs and don’t want the grunt work again. Why not ask your father or father in law directly to help?

God some of these comments. Op you are not a bad person for wanting a break! It's a god send having parents who help you, I dont care what anyone says. On the other hand she is under no obligation to help you, sad that she feels she can't. I honestly don't know what I'd do if my mother thought like that,. I really feel for you. Are your brothers children close in age to yours? Maybe you can help eachother out? You have his kids one Friday and then he can have yours so you can have a well deserved break!

I can count on one hand the number of times that grandparents have had our children overnight. What is galling is that husband and I both slept at our respective grandparents every Saturday night until teenage years.

Neither set of parents volunteer to have them and it is quite hurtful. I can’t imagine not helping out for a night if my children were struggling.

It does seem to be feast or famine, we know families where grandparents take grandchildren on holiday and grandparents who - like ours - have minimal contact unless we are there and arrange it.

I know it's awful isn't it? I can't believe people are so horrid about it on a parenting support forum.

I didn't get any help and that's precisely why I'd want to help. I wouldn't be doing regular weekly childcare; that would seem a bit like continuing parenting! But ad hoc emergencies, babysitting, giving the parents a break for a few hours, of course I would.

You are extremely entitled !!! You chose to have those kids they're you're responsibility not your mothers she's done her child rearing and she owes you absolutely nothing if she wants to enjoy her free time now her own kids are grown she's perfectly entitled to do so . Don't choose to have kids then winge and moan about never getting a break it's part of being a parent

You have to accept it.
Looking after other people’s kids is hard. I find it difficult and I’m in my early 30s, I imagine it’s worse at grandparent age.

Unfortunately it is your sole responsibility.

Op says

To be clear I pay for childcare, she is there in all emergencies to be fair but I guess I'm comparing our situation to others

So grandma does emergency childcare without a quibble, but doesn't want regular childminder duties on top.

Op you've not responded to questions about how much time you and the kids spend with her to build up the relationship and experience. Or where your father or dh family slot in

Where is your husbands family in all this ?