My mother never wants to help with the kidss

[Lucia212]

What can I do in this situation? or any advice anyone can give much appreciated.
My mum lives close by lives on her own very much in her routines but never wants to help with the kids. In 4 years I've never had a night off. I'm exhausted and OH aswell. We've never had a night or day to ourselves either to spend time together. We are both exhausted, juggling full time jobs and kids 24/7 literally.
My mum used to live literally 5 minutes from the kids nursery and never helped with pick ups and we'd be juggling work and racing across town to do it (as we recently moved). During moving home no help with kids then either had to do it all with them aswell. She just makes excuses, my son is still young, they don't go bed at 7, she's on her own to look after 2 kids. She's had my brother's 2 kids on her own only twice though.
Or she often says her mum never helped her out with the kids.
I don't know what the deal is. And when we go anywhere like family gatherings/parties she's just on my case (she's a worrier) calling me every minute to watch the kids or stop them going somewhere or get them something or watch them when they are fine. She could also help if she felt to intervene! I can't relax or sit or chat to anyone. I feel run ragged and she makes life worse and harder rather than easier. My children aren't feral/naughty they're just normal kids so I don't get why she's being so hard on me and not wanting to help.
Last weekend I ended up staying at hers for a 'sleepover' with the kids it was a waste of time as I had a bunch of things I could be catching up with at home and didn't get any sleep I came home worse off!! not doing that again.
She gets upset when SIL's mum is more involved than she is but she's not exactly being helpful and pushing us away if anything.

im Definitely not saying you are wrong….entirely your choice …..and I get not wanting to care for nephews and nieces….I’m the same….i only ever did it in an emergency or as a reciprocal agreement ……but with my GC it’s completely different……so do you feel the same way about your GC ? You wouldn’t ant to look after them?

I also think some of the replies on here are harsh.

Op sounds knackered and I don’t think it’s unreasonable that she wishes her dm would help out abit more. That’s not being entitled. She just sounds disappointed. She’s allowed to feel that. The same way ops mum is allowed to feel how she feels.

I do find it sad though when gps don’t want to be involved, it’s an alien concept to me.
If I’m lucky enough to be a gp one day, I want to be hands on and be involved as much as I can/kids let me be.

@Kitkat1523 Thankfully I don't have GC and am in a position to know I will never have them (luckily for everyone including the hypothetical GC!).

@Kitkat1523 like you don't understand @DrNo007 point of view I could argue that I, and many others I know, don't understand yours.

As we are the type of people who happily volunteer with and look after other people's children even if they aren't related. (Many of them like me don't have grandchildren for various reasons. )

‘Thankfully’…..that sounds strange 🤔

Why is that strange?

There are lots of reasons why the poster won't have grandchildren.

Fair enough, not everyone wants kids and it is always a better option to refrain form having them if you think you would do more damage than good.

However, what I fail to understand is why bother with this thread at all if you have no interest in kids/grandkids?

Obviously, you have every right to comment on it, of course, just as anyone else and I am aware of that. But, for example, I could not care less about a potential football thread.

Definitely……but to say ‘thankfully’ she won’t have GC seems a little odd🤷‍♀️

I agree with you, but on here it does appear that, should your parents not help you out with your children, you can turn your back on them in old age, despite the fact that they presumably put their lives on hold considerably to raise you. It shouldn't be transactional, parents should want to help their children and those children, in turn, should want to help their parents, but you don't have to read very far down this thread before the 'hope she doesn't expect any help in her old age' posts to creep in.

There is, of course, the possibility that everyone seems to ignore - that not every old person WILL need help in old age...

When on earth did it become “entitled” to hope that, occasionally, a parent might offer some support which their grandchildren? When did families stop helping each other? In this case the DM sounds as if she has some anxiety issues which in itself is a different matter but you are certainly NBU to hope that they might offer to help from time to time.

I am not yet a grandparent myself, so things may change.

But currently, our stance is; "we've raised our kids, we don't want to raise the grandkids". I couldn't think of anything worse, than being back in the trenches with babies and young children.

But again, I reiterate; we are young (late 40's), nowhere near the stage of becoming grandparents. In reality, when it happens, we may completely change our tune...

EDIT; My parents and in laws helped us tremendously when we had kids, still do, if and when they can. It has fostered an amazing relationship between kids and grandparents. We didn't ASK for anything, we didn't EXPECT anything, but I am grateful all the same as I appreciate not everyone has that.

Unless grandparents are being asked to do daily, or many hours a week childcare, (although I'm not a gp yet) I see a monthly interaction with grandkids for example, be that either with their parents or having them for a few hours completely different from parenting young children. Often grandparents get the more enjoyable side like taking them out for treats rather than potty training or trying to get them to eat vegetables!

I don't think anyone is hoping grandparents will "raise" or rear children for them simply have occassional support or another trusted and loved adult that the child can rely on. Obviously that's not an obligation but I'm surprised that some people had kids of their own given their aversion to small children that are related to them!

I get why you’re frustrated and it’s sad that she doesn’t want to be involved but sadly she doesn’t owe you childcare.

From the age of DS1 being 18 months, I was a single parent. I was run ragged working 42+ hours per week, was paying for a childminder to drop my child to and from school etc. my parents lived five minutes away and always made it very clear they would not be helping, although I never asked, despite them being retired.

Fast forward 10 years and my MIL is the total opposite and LOVES to have her grandchildren and all of a sudden my mother demanded to start having the kids. We moved away and now all she does is moan that she never sees her grandchildren and wants us to bring them round. My MIL isn’t local either but she will drive for and hour to come and help or pick the kids up. She insists. In the half terms she will have them for a few nights so we don’t have to pay for childcare. Don't get me wrong when we do see my parents they are very good with the kids, but the difference is stark.

@Earthlypowers Didn't say I have no interest in kids/grandkids, just that I have no interest in looking after kids/grandkids. They are very different things and maybe the OP's mother feels the same way. But even if I am not interested in looking after kids, I might be interested in a thread complaining about a mother who isn't interested in looking after kids. Because I recognise some degree of kinship with the mother's position.

Trouble is, when millennials become grandparents you’ll probably be working full time….

Hell yes. The worst ones are the ones that say: well I've had loads of help with my children but I STILL think you're entitled to expect to get ANY help with yours.

Talk about tone deaf.

You're right we're all supposed to be absolute martyrs and get no help with childcare, find life admin a breeze, have amazing jobs that we manage without any issue, and happen to have found partners that are supportive, respectful and loving and if we're not all of that it's cos we're not trying hard enough.

Zero people are saying you should expect regular chid minding. But the occasional help that thoughtful people would offer friends and even sometimes acquaintances is not at all unreasonable; it's just astonishing to me how selfish people are on here.

While I agree she shouldn’t be used as childcare or it shouldn’t just be assumed: it would also be nice for her to help out. My mum would have my children live there she loves them being there. My MIL not so much but will help out. I takes a village and the people around you should be helping out on occasion. My MIL won’t have my children over night in her house but will stay in mine with them until we are home maybe she could do this for you?

Come back here and tell me the same when your first GC is born….no one expects you to raise your GC ……but a little help so parents can keep their heads above water…..and your GC are adorable in a way your DC never were…..it’s the fact that you are not responsible for them and any care is short term and has an end point….ie 1hour or 2 hours…..you look at them and they remind you of when your own DC were little …..you remember the good times ….not the hard times

Many GPs work now….where I live in Nw people become Grannies usually in their late 40s and early 50s ( I was 50) ….so all still working

I disagree! I think families should help each other out sometimes. I'm sure when the mother is old she will expect some help. I think grandparents should offer to help sometimes. Yes the kids are not their responsibility, but a little help is not much to expect. You'd think they would want to spend time with the grandkids too.

No such thing as 'should'. Some just don't enjoy the company of young DC.
We had very little childcare help and paid for the vast majority.
If everyone paid for external assistance with childcare and help as we age and let others live their lives free of the burden, then we all know where we stand.

The grandmother "earned" her old-age assistance by raising her own children. She doesn't have to provide free babysitting for grandchildren to merit respect and care when the time comes.

Yes, @BettyBardMacDonald, that’s how DH and I see it with his parents. They haven’t done much for their grandchildren, but they were wonderful parents to DH and his siblings. Perhaps they were just worn out with children by the time DD and DS came along. They’re more interested now that the children are older teenagers and sit and talk to them.

fuck me…..not much family love in this post🙄
where I come from…..grandparents help their kids out where they can and kids help out their parents…..I’m 59 and still work but am still around to pick my GC up when needed and have them for tea or overnight…..and have them for a few days when their parents go away…..all my friends who are grannies( age ranges from 48 to 63) do the same…..when my partner was ill…. all I had to do was message my DD and she was there…..same with my son who lives in Canada….he just jumped on a plane to be with his dad …..so we all know exactly where we stand……and I’m glad it’s not your idea of ‘family’…..we just all help each other out as much as we can…..how can a granny not want to spend time with her grandies? ……beats me? 🤷‍♀️

@Kitkat1523 You sound lovely, but what do pol do when grandparents decide not to help out? Do you cut them off, for example?
My DH still loves his parents even though they haven’t been involved grandparents, because they were great parents to him.

We can’t make them be involved!