My mother never wants to help with the kidss

[Lucia212]

What can I do in this situation? or any advice anyone can give much appreciated.
My mum lives close by lives on her own very much in her routines but never wants to help with the kids. In 4 years I've never had a night off. I'm exhausted and OH aswell. We've never had a night or day to ourselves either to spend time together. We are both exhausted, juggling full time jobs and kids 24/7 literally.
My mum used to live literally 5 minutes from the kids nursery and never helped with pick ups and we'd be juggling work and racing across town to do it (as we recently moved). During moving home no help with kids then either had to do it all with them aswell. She just makes excuses, my son is still young, they don't go bed at 7, she's on her own to look after 2 kids. She's had my brother's 2 kids on her own only twice though.
Or she often says her mum never helped her out with the kids.
I don't know what the deal is. And when we go anywhere like family gatherings/parties she's just on my case (she's a worrier) calling me every minute to watch the kids or stop them going somewhere or get them something or watch them when they are fine. She could also help if she felt to intervene! I can't relax or sit or chat to anyone. I feel run ragged and she makes life worse and harder rather than easier. My children aren't feral/naughty they're just normal kids so I don't get why she's being so hard on me and not wanting to help.
Last weekend I ended up staying at hers for a 'sleepover' with the kids it was a waste of time as I had a bunch of things I could be catching up with at home and didn't get any sleep I came home worse off!! not doing that again.
She gets upset when SIL's mum is more involved than she is but she's not exactly being helpful and pushing us away if anything.

That sounds very spiteful ! She's not your mother - what does your dh feel, what will he feel when she dies

They're your kids.

I think OP most people I know with young kids just took it in turns with their partner to have a night out or a day off 🤷‍♀️ It just sounds like she finds your kids/any kids too much hard work for her. How old is she? What's her health like? She does sound like a very anxious person and perhaps feels she just can't cope alone with them. It's tough on you but they are your kids so you'll just have to crack on. My Dsis is a single mum lives 140 miles from me and her DS has no living grandparents at all. I do what I can but she has to cope with SEN 8 year old alone mostly. Just be thankful you have a partner to share the load with.

Well yeh….but it’s nice to have a bit of help…..I still work so can’t do that much….but I pick my GC up from school once a week and have them for tea…..and they sleep over every 4 to 6 weeks……and we often have them for a few hours on a Saturday…..I remember how kanckering it was with my kids so I like to give my Dd a bit of child free time to catch up with chores or have a night out

I think it depends …..I live in a small town where mostly people stay….I’m 59 …..like me, all my friends look after their GD to a varying degree…..and the majority of my DDs friends have parents that will look after their kids for date nights or school pick ups or pre school care…..it’s a rare thing for someone to have no family member to offer some child care, where I am in NW
maybe its a regional thing?

Unpopular opinion incoming but I’m with you OP. I cannot understand parents who are content to stand by and watch their children struggle and not offer to help. I don’t think OP is suggesting that her mother should watch the children regularly but that it would be nice for her mother to see that a break every now and again would do so much good and therefore offer to help. I don’t think that’s asking assuming she’s in good health. It’s just what happy families with a healthy dynamic do for each other, or should in my opinion. My mum is in her 70s, ok healthwise but cannot do enough to help me and her grandchildren. We almost have the opposite problem where she insists on doing too much but I know which way round I’d rather have it. I feel for you OP, all these people slating you for being honest and saying what most reasonable people would think, are either just bitter or probably not even parents themselves. Hope you catch a break soon.

Also, just to add. I wonder if people would be similarly outraged by OPs mother expecting help and care as she ages - it’s inevitably what will happen. Will people think it’s heartless of OP if she decides actually no, I don’t want to help my mother out when she needs it? As let’s face it, OPs mother made the choice to have a family, why should that family be obligated to help out when she needs it? Oh yes, because that’s what kind decent human beings that care for each other do. Double standards

Well, from a child free woman....
Why should she, if it's not what she wants?
She has done her "bit", now it's probably her time to live a life for herself.
🙄

Plenty of decent people do things they don’t want to do, because it is the right thing to do. I couldn’t stand by and watch anyone in my family struggle knowing I could help them but choose not to. I refer you to my post above. Would people take so kindly to OP not helping her mother out as she ages because ‘she doesn’t want to’. I think not somehow

My, mumsnet is so anti-grandparent. You had kids, why should you expect any help!

Well, why not? What wrong with wanting your children to have a bond with their grandparents? Also my parents and MIL/FIL had support from their parents yet, are not willing to return the favour.

I find that generation entitled and I bet, when millennials become grandparents we will be much more active in helping.

Oh wow, good for these people! 😂
I didn't know this, sometimes at 45 I still do what I absolutely don't want to do and feel pretty miserable for it, even if there is something to gain at the end!
🙄
Cannot imagine looking after children, though.
Everyone to their own.

Well aren’t you just a delight. Hope you enjoy going through life not wanting to help anyone out just because it’s your choice not to. Thank god you didn’t procreate is all I can say

How is this spiteful? As you say, she is not the OP's mother so she has absolutely no obligation to support her in her old age.

Through her own behaviour, MIL has no relationship with her son's family so why would anyone bend over backwards to support her?

Just as people say 'omg you are so entitled, you chose to have your kids, why should anyone help you', surely it would be entitled of OP's MIL to expect elderly care as she chose to have no relationship with OP and her family.

NRTFT, OP - why don’t you set up a babysitting circle in your neighbourhood? A properly organised one works very well. Ours didn’t really do childcare in the daytime; but it enabled the members to go out regularly, so long as they did enough babysitting themselves to get the points!

We had three DC and both sets of our parents lived over three hours away!

Of course you can want them to, but they are not obliged to dance to your tune. That is the very definition of entitled.

You are right.
Seeing the misery some women choose for their life, not procreating was the best decision in my life.
😁

Good for you 🙄

You're not coming across as all that happy...

She doesn’t want to help and you are not entitled to her help if she doesn’t want to give it.
Get on with it. Being a parent IS exhausting, so you need to stop hoping she’s going to suddenly change her mind and start coming up with other strategies for survival!

Possibly so @Kitkat1523 it will depend if parents settle where they grew up to some extent. My school friends returned to home area after uni and now have settled & had kids etc. So their grandparents can easily babysit or walk to school etc etc. I often felt jealous as mine were 140 miles away. We did get the odd weekend away as a couple - maybe twice a year? - but mainly for last 20 years myself and DH have had our own interests and friends so we can easily have weeks/weekends/nights away while other parent is around as taxi driver/cook etc for our older teenagers. Now the end is in sight lol 😆 and myself and DH are now planning holidays/trips/our lives that don't revolve round our kids as much anymore. Yippee

Tbh she has a point, as many posters have pointed out the expectation is on older women to do this childcare hardly ever men. So when do older women actually get to do what they want to do if they choose to have a child? Apparently the onus is on them to want to do childcare for grandchildren even if they don’t want too but most men can get away scott free. Doesn’t sound like a great bargain!

She doesn't have to help but neither do you have to adjust your routine so she can see her grandchildren on her terms. If having a sleepover at hers is more exhausting than staying at home, then say no more sleepovers. If she's interfering with how you parent your kids at parties or family events without helping, then just say "Thanks mum, I'm watching the kids and will step in if necessary but they seem fine for now".

Just tell her that you understand she's done her parenting, you don't expect her to help, but equally you'll parent on your terms (assuming of course that your kids aren't being excessively annoying!).

Yes now is your time! ….l enjoy!!! …….ours are in their 30s now but I remember the first exciting holiday…..when we could go where we wanted without a thought to anyone else…..bliss !
my DD always says she would never live more than 15 minute walk from us 😂

Some of the comments here are a bit off the mark to be honest. Yes parenting is hard and we don't expect breaks but it would be nice! I have friends with very involved grandparents and they are always off out and about with their partners and weekends away. We don't have that and it makes me jealous. My family are in another country and the in-laws will have them if we ask but we know they don't really like it so only ask once or twice a year for special occasions. I think some people didnt especially love being parents so don't really want to deal with the grandchildren either. My partner was around his grandparents loads which I think says a lot as his parents have no interest in our kids either as they didn't really have a massive interest in him as a child.

I hope I've read this right .

Your mom has your brothers kids twice a week, but will not look after yours for one night ?

Says she never had help with raising you, but is quite happy to help your brother raise his kids ?

She gets a bit of jealousy when your sister in law's - mother is more involved than she is, but she isn't making an effort to be involved with you ?

Where is your mother in law ? What is she like and what involvement does she have ?

I don't know what your moms issue is. Doesn't sound like a fair situation. It sounds like she's playing favourites here in what she does for whom between you and your brother. Which she is probably doing because of your brothers mother in law. There is some weird business going on there.

I think you should get a babysitter occasionally to go out and distance yourself. You need a break. Would your Brother and Sister in law take the kids for a night so you guys can have a bit of time alone ?