Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

Hi OP, your pain comes right out of the page. I don’t have any sage words of advice, but I wanted to let you know you have been on my mind over the last few days, sending you hugs and a hand hold x

@Pleasenotme Thanks for the latest update. SO sorry you are feeling so shite and everything is still going bad for you. It's going to be so hard to deal with, and yes you do need a solicitor to advise you on if you can refuse to sell the house. If he stops paying anything towards it though, you will go under and lose it anyway. It may be best to sell and make a complete fresh start do you think?

ALSO this made me laugh a bit...

He has also said he is going to give up his job and find a 'simpler life'. This is now full blown mid life crisis stuff I believe.

LOL!!! Good luck to his new piece of fluff that he is cheating on you with. Is she going to want to be with a past-middle aged man, who is a generation older than her, who has NO JOB?! I don't know any woman who would be attracted to that! Even if he does 'look good for his age!' 🙄 Is he going to pay the bills and rent with pebbles out of the garden or buttons? He's a deluded, immature, idiot!

Take care of yourself.

Thank you @XChrome, I suspect you may be right in his intent. Thank you for the information about the estate agent. I will ring them tomorrow and tell them that they enter over my dead body. The house is mortgaged in joint names.

Do you have a lawyer yet OP? It sounds like you have a solid network so ask around and find a shark. Don't be kind - he's not being kind to you. Get everything you're entitled to.

OP I am so, so sorry that your OH has turned out to be so awfully cruel and untrue. Your pain is completely reasonable and understandable, though excruciating to experience - my deepest sympathies. I've had my heart broken but not like this and it was brutal. It took a long time to recover, and some days it was an hour at a time.

Do keep posting if it's helpful, and reaching out to your amazing female friends. And if things feel too much, Samaritans are good 116 123

💐💐💐

I remember the searing pain and I'm ashamed to say I've done the hysterical begging too. It will pass. Remember he had months to detach and has a major distraction to boot. You're allowed to grieve the man you thought he was and the future you thought you'd have.
Try to remind yourself that you're alive, your children are alive and healthy and just focus on getting through the next hour. "When you're going through hell, keep going."

I do - they are the husband of my friend. He has been kind and checked that I have done all the things I need to, like ensure savings can't be emptied and I have changed passwords on the couple of personal accounts I have, but wants to give me time to process everything as this has literally been days and at the moment I am being steam-rollered by my H towards an end state that I had NO inkling I was facing until incredibly recently..I have zero interest in dancing to my H's super-selfish tune.

That doesn't mean I don't love him with all that I am but I ain't pressing the self-destruct red button to my own detriment, and that of our DC's, until i have recovered my sanity which is temporarily - I hope - missing in action and assessed where we go from here. Actually, I've just realised that this is a mind shift as two days ago I would have agreed to ANYTHING (apart from FGM) to appease him and make him like me again. I still want him to like me/love me/never want to leave me ever again, but no darn estate agent is stepping over my threshold on Monday.

Like you when my dad left my mum , it came with no warning. We thought it was a mid life crisis until the OW reared her head.
Mum had been ill for some time , we didn’t know how bad but dad did.
He wanted a divorce but was obstructive re money. Lucky for us mum listened to my sisters friend who was a solicitor and got him to agree to a legal separation
When mum died suddenly it meant dad didn’t get all the house etc, mum made sure it went to us her kids. Dad was not happy!

She did however forget to change her life insurance beneficiary from dad - he used the money for her funeral to pay for his honeymoon in Cuba…… less than 6 months after she died.

listen to advice and change your will , pension and insurance beneficiary , get a legal separation my mum didn’t want a divorce either but her strength despite being Ill was a tremendous example to us.

I know this probably won't help right now, but maybe in a month or two. It's a bit spiritual, but actually vital to realise that it is not our life situations that cause our suffering, but infact our reactions to the present moment. It's our resistance of what is. We resist mentally and physically what is happening, which causes & prolongs suffering.

I hope one day soon it will click for you, stop the mental chatter, the continuous thoughts that keep you in a cycle of suffering. I've been there and I cried endlessly day after day, even on a shopping trip I found myself numb and then tearing up.

Accept your emotions, the sadness and grief, but this is what is happening and fighting against it mentally & emotionally will not help, let it be and let yourself ride through the emotions until you come out the other side, which YOU WILL. Best of luck to you on this roller coaster, don't forget who you are, seperate from him, a whole being of your own.

Thank you, I am so grateful x

Do a simple will leaving all to the children. Sever the joint tenancy on your house so if you died before the divorce is finalised your half goes to the kids and not him. You can sever a joint tenancy unilaterally he needs to be informed but does have to consent. Separated but not actually divorced is a tricky time legally.

Glad to hear you are finding some anger towards his callous treatment of you.

After you tell the EA they can't come value the house you may want to consider letting his call go to VM. I know you're desperate to talk to him but he is likely to be very nasty. Better to listen to a message so you have time to recover before you react.

Just remember even if it is a midlife crisis he won't just pass through it and come out the other side the same again. This is him now and you need for your sanity to start working towards that acceptance - baby baby steps of course. It is like a death, and it will take a very long time. Don't feel any pressure to suddenly hate him or be filled with rage. He has been detaching from you in secret for at least a year, you've just been booted in the heart in the blink of an eye.

This is what mum did. I remember her writing a new Will leaving everything to us. She also wrote a statement the reason she was doing this because dad had left her for another woman.
When she died dad could only get half the house , he was not happy .

So he is above sorting out the cupboards? FFS!

Oh @Pleasenotme I am so sorry for what you are going through. I had to stop reading the thread as it bought back so many memories of my own heartache when I went through the same. Sadly, you and me are not alone - as you can see from all of the posts and your GP pointed out the middle aged man mid-life crisis.
I have nothing much to say that hasn't already been said. But I recognise your pain and the desperation of losing the love that you had in these early days. Not eating and feeling even more weak because of that. Calling the Samaritans, even an ambulance once when I thought I was having a heart attack (it was a panic attack), the paramedic was so kind. It was the worst experience I have ever been through.
But OP - you will be fine, I promise you. It won't be easy and it will take time but you will come out of it the other side and you will be so so proud of yourself. In the meantime, be kind and gentle to yourself. Cry, mope, whatever, do what you need to do to get through this awful time. You don't know it now, but it is making you stronger than you ever knew was possible.

@Pleasenotme there is nothing crap about you, quite the opposite actually. I’d rather be a kind person than have tidy cupboards, easy for them to get messy, just like life does.
i wish your H the karma that’s due to him x 1 million!
Please be careful mixing the meds and wine.
Do you dc have keys to your house in case of an emergency?
@XChrome has given you some invaluable advice. You have an army of angry, intelligent women behind you! We hear you and we see you xx

OP two things - you are not in love with him - you are in love with the idealised version of him you've got in your head. Second, Google " five stages of grief" - it will help you to understand what you are experiencing/ right now. You are mourning the loss of your relationship.

What a twat.

OP I just want to say that you sound like such a wonderful, insightful, loving and articulate person. He’s a damned fool. 💐💐

@Pleasenotme your dickhead husband cannot force a sale without your consent. Whilst you are still married, you have a right to remain in the house. Tell any estate agent that you don't give consent to sell.

You can seek a Notice of Home Right against the property. This will prevent your husband from selling the house while you are still legally married.

If/when he files for divorce, you'll need to reach a decision about the house. But right now, he cannot pull the rug out from under your feet.

The advice not to answer his calls is solid advice.

He is controlling you and the narrative. To speak only when it suits him, (and I have no doubt he then re-blocks you), so he doesn’t have to expose himself to your justifiable hurt and questions.

let his calls go to message bank and don’t be rushed to call him back either. Let him sweat and take some of the control away from him.

xx

‘Simpler life’ - red flag here. I think your DH might try to intentionally make his earnings appear less temporarily so that he gets a more favourable settlement. What’s he going to do with no job? Raise kids that aren’t his? I’d imagine the scales will fall from the OW’s eyes if he cannot maintain his lifestyle.

Sadly, your life is going to be like a game of chess for a while. Don’t be reacting to every out of character statement he makes - think to yourself, ‘ok, what would he do/say that?’ and then game out the situation with a trusted friend so that you too are two moves ahead. He’s had a head start on you, but slow and steady wins the race.

It is shit, but You sound better and like you might be edging towards the anger phase. You’ve got this.

My house looks lovely but I have a ‘Monica’ cupboard… I hope he realises how ridiculous he sounds leaving someone who maybe doesn’t have the inclination to hang their crisp packets up on a tension rail a la Stacey Solomon 😂

it's the weirdest thing. So sorry this happened to you.

This post explains it so well. The dupers delight was strong with my ex too, now I have read this and looked back.

They are a walking, talking, breathing cliche.