Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

I am SO sorry you are going through this.
my partner of two years has just broken up with me, I feel like I cannot breathe, I can't imagine how it must feel after 35 years.

I honestly believe there is another woman. very unusual after that length of time and commitment to up and leave. :(

What has helped me (maybe 1%) is begin to tell myself multiple times a day that he ISN'T coming back. it saves my disappointment every time I come home and imagine he will of turned up to sweep me off my feet, my hope has faded majorly now, and as sad it is, it has helped save me some dissapointment. I was at a stage where I was rushing to the window every time I heard a car.

please get a councillor or a therapist, i have found this has helped also.
I dont believe this myself right now, but I know it is true, a bit like how I know gravity exists but I can't see it, YOU WILL BE OKAY.

They are not leaps. This is how the script goes.
Time and time again this is what cheaters do to their exes and children. You don't believe it? Read the thousands of stories in the archives of chumplady.com. That should eliminate any doubts.

The time to start protecting herself and her kids is now. If she waits too long it will be too late. There is only a short window of time in which her husband is going to be pretend to feel guilty for what he has done and thus be amenable to making a fair settlement. If you let that opportunity slip by you, you may get nothing and have to fight for your rights and your children's rights in court. Again, if you don't believe me, read the stories. See how depressingly common this type of behaviour is.

That comment was not blaming OW, though she does have to share part of the blame for what she has done to the OP. I was just reiterating what a PP said about the man probably leaving OW everything in his will and the kids getting nothing. That's why OP needs to make sure they are at least taken care of financially in the here and now.

What do you want people to advise her to do? Beg him to stay? Deck herself out in lingerie and do a horizontal pick-me dance in hopes he will give up OW?
If so, that would be spectacularly bad advice.

You are better off without him, once a cheat always a cheat.
You can't see it now but one day you will, he doesn't want it in the divorce papers that he is an adulterer so make sure you tell the solicitor and make sure you go and tell the woman's husband.
If he wants to come back if she patches it up with her husband, don't have him, you don't want to be anyone's second choice, you are better than that. X

Is it even slightly possible that the OW isn’t into him as much as he would hope? Why hasn’t she left her DH if him and her were going to start a new life together?

im mindful of this as a former colleague did this to her DH. Shifted out with her 2 kids, but the fellow she was having an affair with coudnt/wouldnt leave his family when it came to the crunch. His wife knew of course, but he stayed where he was.

Ugh. I'm so sorry. They really are uncanny carbon copies, almost like they have one mind and just pass it around to each other. ;-)

OP, you don't want him back. You deserve better. Please think about your worth. He is the one who is a spineless loser. Your grief is natural and you should process it. But please don't ever let him back in. He is poison and you are free of his toxicity. Reflect, dig deep and find your roar. He will be the one filled with regret one day, I can promise you that. And you will go on to find a new beautiful life without his dead weight.

I'm sorry but he's BLOCKED you?
oh no :( so after 35 years, of knowing you, living with you, raising children, sharing a bed, everything, he has split up with you and blocked you.
This man I think we can safely say definately has a new woman. To have absolutely zero room to be compassionate with you, is because seeing you so desperate makes him feel guilty.
Seeing you on your knees, physically and metaphorically means he has to face his guilt and it is easier to block you. Men are like that, having to take responsibility isn't something that comes naturally and it is easier to turn away.
please believe he isn't coming back, get a lawyer.
He sounds very cruel. :(
Again, I am so sorry that this has happened to you.

He is such a cruel bastard. I hope his behaviour kills any residual love you feel for him. He isn't worthy of it.

I think if you look back over the years, you may see the red flags that you didn't notice at the time. This is on him, not you.

I didn't get cupboard complaints. I got 'the kitchen is too hectic and busy it's difficult for me to relax in it'. hehehe, what a twerp. well shot of him :)

Maybe start your own thread?

This has brought back the memories of when my ex took up with his OW and the change in his language.

I know @Pleasenotme has said this too. WTF is it with them that they even have to start using terms of speech that are not their own but my ex did. He started using words and terms that I had never heard from his mouth before but if you analyse it, they are clearly love bombing their new love interest as they must be 'mirroring' them in some sort of sucky up obsequious way to get them on side and this is utterly vomit inducing.

My ex did the full on midlife crisis thing of getting a big motorbike and buying OW all the leather gear and stuff. This started with him going on a diet, getting all new clothes including underwear and changing literally everything about himself. I was able to tell to the day, exactly when he met her.

I was tied up with trying to get help for my elderly father who had developed dementia and so I was watching all this as if through misted glass.

I could see he was making a tit of himself but I had no choice but to see it play out to the point he left with all his stuff in a van. I knew I had no power. It was like he had been taken over by an external force. Nothing of the original him was present. I looked into his eyes the day he went and it was like looking at a sharks eyes. I suspect, eventually he missed his old self but by that time it was too late.

i have been very clear on what I think she should do.

take time off, a couple of weeks,
taje the meds the doctor gave her.
try to do some of these things every day, eat healthy, go for a walk or go out, get some exercise, watch something that will divert her mind, take care of her Personal grooming, think of the things that were truly wrong with the marriage, discard what he said which was nonsense,

this isn’t a man who was caught cheating and had to leave. This is a man who has ended his marriage, a marriage where the wife thinks he is a wonderful husband and father, wno loves him deeply, who thinks he is extremely attractive and interesting, who thinks they are soul mates, and where she thinks their sex life was “fantastic” right up to the end.

where as he. Wanted to end the marriage. Many people have affairs, and don’t leave until caught. This is something else entirely, as the difference in the perception of the marriage is vast between the two of them. He didn’t think the things the op did, or he’d not have ended it, cheated, maybe, but not end it and leave proactively. The ow has not left her husband, may never leave her husband, the plan may not even be for her to leave her husband. No one knows.

so yes the op needs to protect herself and get a fair split in divorce, but saying that she’s to do that as he’s going to marry this woman and she will take everything is at this stage, when it’s just happened a bloody leap. Right now she needs to focus on her well being, adjusting, yes divorce will come, in due course but give her a few days at least.

Yeah there is no helping the Botox Betty types when they think they have their ( usually false) nails 💅 latched onto a winning horse. The instagram sounds horrific Badger, and I’m glad you are now at the point you see the (dark) comedy in it all. Because at first it can’t have been at all funny.
I often notice that with very public affairs too - MNers can probably imagine some recent ones I might mean- and when photographed they look so proud of it all, as if they’ve just invented a new Covid vaccine (rather than purloined a shag from someone otherwise committed), and are being photographed for that.

Just been catching up on your thread OP. I can't add anything useful but you've had some great responses.

What I did want to say was to reassure you about Sertraline. It may turn out not to suit you but do give it a go. My GP warned me about feeling nauseous in the first couple of weeks of taking it, and you often feel worse before you feel better. I ticked both those boxes but after that it really helped. I started on 50mg and after a couple of months increased to 100mg which had a better effect but since that I've slowly gone back to 50mg.

It's amazing how many people I know who are, or have been, taking it.

I hope you start to feel more like yourself again soon. You've had an awful shock - it'll take time x

I was going to say exactly this ^

Priorities :

1. Protect your mental health
2. Protect all your financial assets.
3. Do not leave your job

4 Force yourself to eat something nutritional everyday. If only a smoothie. Add a good vitamin supplement too.

Oh and remember there is
NO FOOL LIKE AN OLD FOOL.

How much is his skip to a younger woman actually motivated by fear of ageing? I bet he's terrified of becoming unattractive. It is a boost to his privately sagging self esteem, I bet, to have someone younger adoring him.

So, OP, please do yourself and every other woman in the land a favour: don't give his ego the scaffolding of knowing that there are two women who think he's handsome, commanding, clever, and would give anything to have his attention.

Whatever you do in private, grit your teeth and don't show to him that he's any loss

Fear of ageing is a valid angle. Women do appear to progress steadily with the odd hiccups. Whereas men seem to panic at times. Mine certainly did as did some of his friends. Was amusing and sometimes shocking to to witness. Now in their 70s the fire has burnt out, they reminisce and moan a lot

@justasking111 Yes and if there is an OW, she's getting him shortly before all he slides into the rapid aging in his 60's. That's what I've noticed among the men I know anyway.

There's that Risk. Mine at 73 is still physically fit, but mentally is a miserable ol' bugger 🤭

Early 60s DH here. I'm still waiting for the aging process to kick in but long may he continue.He still works full time, runs like a horse on the treadmill. Weights etc & to be honest gets mistaken for 10 yrs younger. I appreciate all men are not the same but to be fair you can't generalise. I'm sure things are bound to change in his 70s but who knows, especially according to some aging celebs around who still strut their stuff on stages well into their 60s & 70s even 80s eg Cliff Richard. Health permitting, time will tell .

@1dayatathyme @justasking111 I didn't mean that they start having health problems, I meant that the men I know start to look significantly older as they approach 70. The OW is presumably swapping a DH closer to her own age for someone who'll look like her Dad in a few years (if he doesn't already).

A friend's DH is 71, runs, is fit and healthy, but he looks v. different to my DH (52), for example.

I only mention this because @justasking111 spoke about some men's fear of aging. It's going to happen regardless, leaving his old life for a younger women isn't an anti-aging potion!

Considering she’s been on her knees begging and he’s told her she’s no self respect, and now blocked her, I think that ship has sailed. Don’t you? At least read the thread.

The ow hasn’t even left her husband. And no one has any clue if she even will