Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

Nope. He's just selfish and entitled, is my guess.

He knew he looks good for his age, and then the OW came along made clear she'd drop her knickers if he said yes, so he quickly went 'well, look at me - I deserve her, not the OP because... hmm. No real reason apart from the fact that the OW's something different after all these years and fancies me. I deserve to have a last hurrah at feeling like a teenager because I'm great and special, so I'll make up some bullshit about cupboards to justify what I'm doing.'

@Pleasenotme please let us know how are you doing today?

When my 45 year old father walked away from his 25 year marriage to be with his twenty something secretary he completely reinvented himself. New cars, new outfits, new taste in music, new taste in food and books. Just everything about him we knew was ......gone. He even slightly changed his first name, think changing from 'Jeremy' to 'Jem' to sound younger.

All of it utterly cringe. Looking back, I don't think my father had much of a sense of self really. Ultimately he was weak and lacked integrity and found it pathetically easy to assume a new persona.

Yes, that is definitely mirroring IMO, and it's one of the signs of narcissism. It's not even necessary for the person to start out as a flaming narcissist, because cheating requires them to become more narcissistic, so they adapt accordingly. So they will do, say and get interested in things their latest conquest likes so they can seem to be "soul mates" and create a favourable impression.

I remember the odd language coming from my now ex, as well as new interests which he would have scoffed at before.
Like you, I was also going through it while nursing a terminally ill parent, so all these changes, though I thought them strange, did not add up to cheating in my mind. I was too preoccupied to see it.
He even started watching a sitcom (one popular with young people) which he had expressed contempt for in the past. When I was home, I had to sit there while he binge watched for days on end. He never laughed at it, but he had a weird expression of pleasure on his face which I now know was duper's delight. They had arranged to watch at the same time and chat about it later, so he was getting off on doing it right in front of me. He also changed the music he liked and started going to the gym every day, because she did. He wanted to look good for her and knew they could possibly have a tryst in the parking lot. 🤢
I figured he was afraid of aging and trying to make himself more youthful with all these things. If I'd had the mental space to deal with it (dying parent, disabled and mentally ill child in crisus, naturally the cheating turd was no help) I would have put all those pieces together. I wouldn't be surprised if it was planned based on knowing I would be distracted, but maybe I'm giving an idiot too much credit.

The shark eyes are also a classic reported by a great many partners of cheaters. I think they start out with a hidden dark side. They may try to contain it for years and some are even fairly successful at doing so.
Then they are given a chance to let their freak flags fly. After that they can't push who they really are into the back of their minds anymore because it feels so good to finally let it out. The shark eyes represent who they are now and forever- callous, Machiavellian and selfish.

Anyway, I'm sorry you're a member of the club that nobody wants to join.

I think this is a massive reason behind why you see men, particularly celebrities like actors trading in their older family for a newer model and a fresh start.

Bruce Willis is a typical example. He actually said in an interview decades ago that men aren’t meant to be monogamous - this was when he was married to Demi Moore, who at the time was hitting no1 sexiest woman polls and at one point was the highest earning woman in Hollywood!
No wonder it affected her mental health as she was devoted to him and their 3 daughters and she spoke of this in interviews and her autobiography I believe. Maybe it was a way of cutting her down and undermining her bc he felt threatened regarding his own status and career, or just old fashioned misogyny and jealousy.

I remember reading about his new life with his young wife and their kids thinking - yeah, this is his way of turning back the clock. Only it wasn’t, and she’s now nursing a very unwell old man.

Alec Baldwin’s another one. There are countless others aren’t there.

What’s interesting here is the pattern of men becoming jealous and insecure when their wives and partners are caring for others - when they are nursing their own kids and their elderly parents.

It is bizarre that it has fallen largely women to care for lives that are just beginning as well as those that are ending - and the fucking men both expect and are outraged by this 🤷🏼‍♀️🤯

Like you say @XChrome you were too preoccupied to see it - so maybe that’s another reason why it can happen at these times - opportunity to slip under the radar

Hi OP,

First of all, how devastating for you. I think everyone reading can feel the raw emotional pain. So; look after yourself physically as much as you can - comfort food, comfort drinks, comfort TV, and screw work for a while. You need to survive at least short term.

After a while will come some clarity I believe.

He is being an utter dick, of course, but this is par for the course when people are in Affair Fog.

I wanted to suggest you take a read of this article.

What to do when He/She Leaves?

It may not be totally useful or applicable to you, but the entire website is built around relationships and skills and I have found it a treasure trove.

There is also some good support on Chumplady and of course many infidelity websites like Affair Recovery.

It could be soothing to realise you are not alone in any way nor to blame.

All the best!

By the way, I believe strongly your DH is going, sooner or later, regret this move. It sounds like he still (yes, unbelievably, even in his late 50s) has a fair amount of growing up to do if he believes he can escape the things he was unhappy with with you by simply finding a new partner.

Life doesn't work that way at all, and he's clearly in total denial. But he'll have to come to this realisation by himself and he may not have the strength of character to admit his monumental error of judgment and come back.

Cheating in a seemingly happy marriage actually is the norm. I have seen studies that found the majority of cheaters say they are happy with their marriages.

The re-writing of the history of the marriage is so common it's a cheater chiche. They are justifying their behaviour and will use any means, no matter how ridiculous, to do so. The classic line is; "I've been unhappy for 10/20 years." It's always a round number like that. 🙄 The betrayed person will be puzzled, because in that time period the cheater seemed happy.
They lie to excuse their behaviour. It explains every incongruity in these situations.

My ex fancied me and from his perspective the sex was great. He preferred a woman who reused to have sex with him at all a few months into the affair. He still wanted to leave me for her, but she refused to leave her husband.
Yet he kept it up for five more years and would have gone on indefinitely, never getting laid, had he not been caught. He would have left if she'd been willing and then just cheated on her to get the sex she refused him.

The sick reality is that they enjoy betrayal, which is often at least as pleasurable as sex is to them, and is more pleasurable in some cases.

Alec Baldwin’s another one. There are countless others aren’t there.

@Sceptical123 Ha, ha, Alec Baldwin dropped himself right in it though, didn't he. How many children have they got, 7 or 8, I think?

Yep. My mum was sick in hospital and I had to go stay at her house to look after her dog. That night she deteriorated and they were talking about taking her to ICU. I was obviously in a huge panic and he didn’t even offer to come and stay with me, just told me he was ‘tired’ and would check in with me in the morning…..this was the first time he had ever shown such u caring behaviour towards me, I was gobsmacked (he’s an experienced surgeon so knew full well how sick she was and what was going on)

During my mother’s hospital stay and whilst I was at her house his father had a hip replacement performed and he moved him into our flat as it was deemed easier he have the spare room with the en suite. I wasn’t allowed to visit as apparently ‘his father wouldn’t want me to see him recovering’ and that was me pretty much covertly ousted from our home of four years whilst not having a single clue what was happening. He discarded me over the phone a few days later.

Looking back at that bizarre sequence of events it’s no wonder I pretty much had a nervous breakdown.

To this day it still absolutely baffles me how someone who supposedly loves you and cares for you can just flick a switch and morph into a very frightening stranger.

I’m so sorry this happened to you.

I read a while ago on another thread that men are very effective at compartmentalising, while women tend to blend all areas - or maybe it was a stand up routine - of men putting aspects of their lives into boxes in their brain. I think this is how it can be easier for some to just switch off bc it’s like putting the lid on that box and hurling it into a skip. Maybe it’s a survival thing where men focused on one thing at a time like hunting, fucking, protecting from threats and women had to multitask by caring for young children and babies while cooking, gathering fuel, caring for the sick and elderly….

It’s a theory 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Pleasenotme Your description of the Railway- I hope and pray that you feel less suicidal as you begin to process this horrible shock.
It’s a terrible way to die- and affects the train drivers very badly- and also any witnesses.
I still can’t get the sound of a witness out of my head decades later.

You are a wonderful sounding woman, Obviously very intelligent, interesting and with empathy.

In the words of Hannibal Lecter

”The world needs you in it, Clarice”

Your children will be devastated and never get over it.

It must have come as an unexpected shock to you- Most of us whose husbands leave know that things have deteriorated in the relationship- Separate bedrooms & zero sex.

Retreat like the wounded animal you are ( all mammals hide away in times of great trauma) and process this pain.

Things will gradually improve-
You are a rare woman, you express yourself beautifully
Why not keep a diary?

I had the future schadenfreude of seeing my ex husband’s new marriage founder to the OW.

You don’t know what the future holds

You also have a fine sense of humour.

Look at Brad Pitt now with a new young thing who apparently wants to marry him.

@blackcherryconserve I wonder whether he'll risk it, given the unholy mess of his last marriage. For his gf, it's the classic Mrs. Merton question again - "What attracted you to the multi-millionaire XX?"

Definitely a Mrs Merton scenario! I thought the same.

Hello everyone, sincere thanks to those who have continued to comment and support. Very bad day. Heard from H, he says he has been in touch with estate agents and house will be valued next week. Told him that legally I believe I had a vote on this issue and I wouldn't co-operate as I am just too unwell to do so. And actually I don't want to. I absolutely don't want to. I think I have the right to refuse entry to an estate agent and I don't imagine many of them would enjoy looking around a house to assess it with a hysterical woman wailing in the background. He has also said he is going to give up his job and find a 'simpler life'. This is now full blown mid life crisis stuff I believe. And financially a nightmare as we will definitely have to sell. He was so clinical on the call, like I was one of his clients. I tried to hear 'him' in his voice, and he wasn't there. Curt, to the point, dismissive. But I was so desperate for this small contact with him that I kept him talking as long as I could with inconsequential crap wittering, until he said he had to go as he was 'meeting friends'.

My eldest DS drove like a million miles this evening to scoop me up and take me out to dinner. Food was pushed around the plate and has been brought home now much to cat's delight but it was wonderful to see him. He didn't want to discuss it which I completely respect. I think, like me, he is still in shock. He loves his father, very deeply, as do I.

Spoke to friend earlier who has a legal background. She told me to alter the beneficiaries of my life insurance and also to write a will as a matter of urgency, separate to the one we already have in place. I reminded her that marriage is the primary factor of any post-death provision - she acknowledged but said that a separate statement on my part or a codicil will not be overlooked if it came to a dispute. She said I must ensure to leave it all to the children, 'just in case'. I think she is right. She asked if I felt afraid of him. I said no, I don't, but it would not distress him if I died. And the awful thing is that i am absolutely right, I am now a bloody inconvenience. Holy Mary, Mother of God, I am that disposable.

Wailed to another friend who had delivered our first born. She has always been utterly wonderful and I adore her.She was kind but business like. Told me not to cooperate in the slightest with him; I don't want a divorce, so let him do the leg work (and pay).

Shit day. Cried down phone again to boss who had finished work and drank wine while she spoke to me, her kids shrieking in the background. She is fab, one of those amazing Monstrous Regiment of Women who have your back, just as you all are. Thank you

I think you are spot on, Mallani - sadly.

@Pleasenotme on a very practical and boring note, is the wine compatible with the ad’s? Please be careful as I don’t know which is why I am saying check x

If my dp ever mention cupboards i swear it will prob be the undoing of me :(

Both of you have to agree to sell unless he fully owns it outright and you have no claim on it. So you absolutely can tell the estate agent not to come.
He wants to quit his job so he won't be expected to pay spousal support.

I beg you to get a lawyer as soon as possible to safeguard your rights. He is trying to suck you dry financially, leave you without a home to live in and run off. Doubtless he has hidden money to accomplish this. He is exactly the sort who would. Your lawyer will need to get a forensic accountant to find it.
Do not warn him of your plans to do this or he will move the money offshore.

Just checked the packet insert and it's not, but I don't care at the moment. One of those Lilac Wine moments (didn't Elkie Brooks have the most amazing voice - what happened to her?). The cupboard stuff is his metaphor for everything that is apparently crap about me. An easy reference point and something to hang me on as it's true, SOME of my cupboards are less than Mrs Hinch. But they are filled with love and that is what his life with us, his once beloved family, gave him. Where he has gone, I have no idea. He is in that strange dark place between the Worlds, like in The Magician's Nephew. I'm stuck in one of the pools. If you have read it, you will know what I mean. And I don't have a ring to rub and release me from this unbearable pain.

I am a bit confused by this post @Secondstart1001 wine compatible with ads? Cupboards??