Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

@Sparklywhiteteeth Yes, I'm jumping ahead and following MN wisdom that there's often another woman when something like this happens.

It would serve him right if she's not interested.

And again to be fair there are men in their 50s who let themselves go, huge beer bellies, heavy smokers etc and look & act far older than many men in their 60s/ 70s. Again health and fitness permitting you can't generalise. It's absolutely no excuse for running off with a younger women but sadly it happens all too often, even if the men look old & decrepit.

@1dayatathyme Yes, I suppose for me the mind just boggles at why people do these things when it's so obvious that it won't resolve anything - and cause significant pain to others.

because some men get bored easily, are fickle, and at a certain age, easy to influence in the right circumstances...

If that was true then the line of they never leave, wouldn’t be a stereotype would it.

Cliff Richard 🧟

The OP needs to get her ducks in a row as her cheating STBX has planned this already. It was never a sudden decision to leave her on his part. She needs to protect herself and her kids inheritance. It's never too soon to get legal advice which the OP is planning to do, rightly.

No

Ducks in a row from the beginning

However difficult a mountain it is.

What's he got to do with this thread?

Perhaps so but there is no denying he is fit and healthy with the stamina of some men half his age & he is still doing exhausting gigs. He's not my era but he has to be admired as a member of the older generation.

The fact many posters keep banging on about OPs husband being old and basically past it & why would a young woman want him . I'm simply giving examples of men who are still up for a young woman when they reach 60 plus as the OP herself has said.

Whatever is left as inheritance from op's husband is nothing to do with her. Op would be best focussing on her health and wellbeing including of course her finances.

Plenty.The fact some posters are suggesting OPs DH being old and basically past it,either now or soon when he's only 60 and saying why would a young woman want him,or she will eventually regret it. I've given examples of many men who at this stage of life are well up for it as OP has said herself about her DH.

I think it’s more the 20 year plus age gap and thinking how this relationship may progress/look like in 5/10 years time…..especially as the OW has young kids.

@1dayatathyme If you mean me, I was really responding to @justasking111 's point that "fear of aging is a valid angle" and that some men panic about it.

If that's what this is about, chasing a younger woman won't make a bit of difference. It's all so illogical and sad. I hope that the OP finds her anger soon.

Hmm. You can't deny biology and the march of time.
He fancies her because she's younger.
The OW will be stuck with his old arse in his dotage (if she sticks around) and has a high chance of becoming a carer.
Each to their own 😬

He fancies the op, and it must be a lot, as she says they had a “fantastic” sex life up to the end. So clearly it’s not all about age for him. As no one has a fantastic sex life with someone they don’t fancy.

@Sparklywhiteteeth What do you think is going on then? Genuine question, I can't fathom it. Why isn't he saying that he wants to separate and being nice about it?

@Pleasenotme I don't know whether anyone has answered about sertraline. I have used it on and off through life’s crises. When my dad received a terminal diagnosis, and another significant family loss and a couple of other traumas. The first few days can be trying- disorienting- but then it settled. I had no problem stopping them when I felt ready, though I did reduce very gradually.

re your kids loving him because he was a great dad. I’m sure they do, but like you they are wrestling with him choosing not to be who he appeared to be all those years. Their lovely dad wouldn’t have done this.

Should you get the opportunity, I’d point out to him that it’s a shame he turned into his dad despite all his protestations.

I can’t fathom it either. It is hugely unusual.

tnis isn’t the old had an affair and caught, or a lifeless marriage and an exit affair, the wife thinking it was ticking over fine stuff, that’s the norm.

this is the op said a brilliant marriage, soul mates, she loves him desperately. Thinks he’s gorgeous and interesting, they had a in her own words fantastic and adventurous sex life to the end, and the man has proactively ended the marriage , listed all her faults, made it all up. seems to have a completely different view than her of the same marriage, and the ow hasn’t left her husband.

maybe he’s got dementia or is very ill.

.......maybe he’s got dementia or is very ill

Or maybe he's just a nasty bastard.

Maybe he wanted both but was under pressure from the OW to leave?
He could be seen to be 'decent' about the affair and decided to step away rather than risking the OP being told the OW?

Esther Perel in her book State of Affairs' writes about these sorts of situations.
It's the whole 'loving 2 people but in different ways' story.

The trauma that OP is suffering from is just so awful and I feel for her. It's devastating and so cruel.

Cliff Richard wouldn't be interested in a young woman. He is a few years older than me and I wouldn't want to be anywhere him. Revolting looking!

I don’t think Cliff Richard is interested in women at all…

@Pleasenotme are you ok? Your silence is worrying today x