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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do they ever come back? Devastated.

1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
13
MadrisaHorn · 19/09/2024 07:02

oakleaffy · 19/09/2024 06:44

Yes, my ex husband's relationship was destroyed by her kids.
{Don't know if they were ND or not} I know she wanted him to help ''discipline them'' {she was a teacher, as was he} but he felt it wasn't his place to.

They suddenly had this new man move in, and must have hated it.

OOof! My ex actually tried to move OW and her son into our house for Christmas. They were 'just friends' apparently.

It all sounds terribly 'Jeremy Kyle' and I was stunned when he turned up with them and their bags.

I was trying to manage my Dad who had dementia and I had moved him into a care home near us.

I knew they were more than friends. We had been for Sunday lunch with OW and her husband and it was clear they were besotted with each other. The husband didn't seem to notice though. I was too run down to do anything about it but when she and her son were in our spare room, he slept on the sofa instead of sleeping with me so I could see something was being 'lined up'.

Over the next few days it became clear that they expected me to leave and move back into the family home that my father had just vacated but I didn't. Ex had been violent in the past, although it had never been directed at me so when the three of them were out for the day, I called the police, told them my situation and that I was booting the pair of them out. They gave me an incident number and I called ex, told him that all his stuff and hers were in bags on the lawn, I had an incident number and they were to fuck off to hers.

I was confident he would not kick off in front of her and they complied. He basically moved in with her, her DH and their child that day.

I had a call from her DH a few days later asking me why I had done what I had done so I told him it was clear they were having an affair. He disagreed and said that she has done this several times, 'it is her way of making friends'.

Nutshell, within a fortnight, her DH moved out (so assume he had seen the light) and ex and OW had her place to themselves.

I think it was the needs of the son that took the bloom off the rose for Ex and he asked to come back. When I said no, he turned violent but I escaped him and called the police. He was gone before they arrived.

They lived together for a few months and then a friend of his told me he had moved out into a caravan in the grounds of her house and then ultimately he left.

After the way he treated me and the things he said and her contempt of me, the last thing I was going to do was have him back. I wanted to so badly. I loved him but I loved me more and I had to stand up for myself.

Marylou62 · 19/09/2024 07:12

OP..I just wanted to say 'You've got this'..
Maybe you don't feel like it now but with your loving family and friends having your back you can take each minute as it comes and lean on them until you feel that finally it's true.
I'm so very sorry that this has happened to you.
I've followed since your first post and want you to know that I've been thinking of you.

Calliopespa · 19/09/2024 07:31

Pleasenotme · 18/09/2024 21:11

This made me sort of smile as one of the criticisms in his book of complaints about me was the fact that several of our cupboards are dumping grounds. They are, and that's because I start to clear things out then spend so much time looking at the things I am pulling out, and reminiscing about their associations and memories that I can't bring myself to chuck or cull stuff and end up putting most of it back in. My brother is the same. I think we got it from our DM so I blame it on a genetic flaw! This is in stark contrast how organised I generally am on a day to day basis with work and family admin and our house is usually pretty tidy so I was amazed when he focused on this. But it's a good idea to get stuck in but I definitely have zero energy or interest in doing so at the moment. I hope I find it somewhere.

Some people get busy through traumatic situations op and some quieten down. Just heal as feels right for you. The cupboards will wait.

But honestly you don’t ruin a marriage with messy cupboards unless he’s looking for excuses. And everyone has one or two such drawers or cupboards for miscellaneous things.

Knulp · 19/09/2024 07:41

Not sure if this helps or not, its my own personal take, but may well be individual to me, its not for everyone

You cannot do much about where you are at this precise moment, it sounds hellish, but its because you have conditioned yourself to accept that your life will only be worth living with another sharing it. Its a sad fact but the other that you had pinned so much on, has made his own choices, for whatever reason, largely irrelevant, but clearly, he did not share the same depth of feelings, reliance and need that you have. Feeling such is not a bad thing, but can be very destructive if your clapping with one hand, if two people feel that way, its different, if only one does, its never hugely healthy, in my opinion anyway.

Moving forward you have two choices, you can either pine for what you had, and try and find it with someone else, who feels the same way as you, again, in my opinion, this will only lead to disappointment and a constant let down as you search for your 'other half' the person that completes you and makes you feel whole. You may spend the rest of your life searching for this person, never feeling whole and playing a waiting game, wasting time, energy, emotions on the never ending search, and then, even if you find this nirvana, trying to hold onto it at any cost.

or

You can accept that you will never again put yourself in a position where someone else has a hand in how you value yourself, or how good you feel, or how happy you are, or even, dare I say it, how complete you feel. You can wake up in the morning knowing that your emotions, your wellbeing, your mood depends largely on you, on what you do, or how you feel about yourself. Yes, you will be alone ,but you do not have to be lonely. Some of the loneliest people are in relationships, it does take time, years, to truly accept and embrace that feeling. You could thank your lucky stars that what has happened has happened now, and not in 10 years time, so you have time to grow as a person, find yourself, and free yourself from the shackles of dependency on another. It may be the last thing that you are considering at the moment, because like a drug addict, you need a fix, a quick fix, of love, kindness, physical touch, and it hurts to your very core, but like with any addiction, the longer you abstain, the more you will see life through different lenses, until your free. Not many people are free, most are bound to something, money, love, drugs, power, ego, pride, but if you can manage to free yourself just a little bit a day from the thing that controls you, in this case, love for your husband, you could find freedom from dependency is the happiest feeling in the world.

Free people still find love, but its a small part of who they are, not the all, and its not the hell that needing love is.

This could be the beginning of your life, and adventure to find yourself, without the submission to another, or the need for all the things that currently you pine for.

As I said, its not for everyone, you may wish to stay on the merry go round of what passes for relationships these days, and if you do, that is your choice, and I hope you find what you are looking for, but there are alternatives, and looking at the situation from a very particular angle, one could say that what has just happened could well be the best thing that has happened to you, because it has taught you that to put your happiness in someone else's hands can really hurt.

Good luck, and as people have already said, the pain does pass, the hurt passes, the pining, the sadness, but it will pass quicker if you focus on the future.

Calliopespa · 19/09/2024 07:44

oakleaffy · 18/09/2024 23:48

Very bizarre.
A stay at home dad who is now pregnant.

Odd perspective indeed - any very cruel to OP in my opinion,too.

Explains a lot actually.

TheAverageJoanne · 19/09/2024 08:09

Calliopespa · 19/09/2024 07:44

Explains a lot actually.

In what way?

Calliopespa · 19/09/2024 08:13

TheAverageJoanne · 19/09/2024 08:09

In what way?

The sahd having ivf himself was the same poster who posted a pretty unbelievably unkind comment on this thread to op earlier noting that op’s DH had left someone he didn’t love for someone he did (🙄). Some people actively enjoy being provocative.

Babybirdmum · 19/09/2024 08:26

wow I’ve been reading this for the past few days and I can’t believe this has happened to you, it’s so shocking and awful. It makes me look at my husband with distrust because he is also lovely and I can’t imagine someone flipping a switch like that. You must be feeling like your world has collapsed.
I notice your main concern right now from the title is whether he will come back, and I totally get that feeling. When my ex split up with me I only cared about getting him back. In some ways though I think it can be quite healing to be in that mindset. I see people telling you that you shouldn’t want him back after what he’s done, but I like some other people understand why you do. I’m not saying whether you’re right or wrong to feel like that, it’s just how you feel, and I get it. So I am going to offer you a different perspective. Maybe you should “try” and get him back (not how you think). When I split with my ex I did some research and found the best way to get someone back is to go no contact for 30 days. At first I did what you did, I cried, begged, called day and night, went to his house etc. but then I thought I’d try this method and 30 days seemed doable. It’s like reverse psychology, he will be wondering about you and what you’re doing or thinking when you’re not in touch.
You say he is physically fit and attractive and seem down on yourself. I am sure you’re attractive but maybe you could try and improve your appearance to “get him back”. Go to the gym after work, so when he drives past your house and sees your not in he’ll wonder where you “what if she’s seeing a new man?” he’ll think. Get a really good haircut, extensions if you have thin hair, a decent colour - try a new hairdresser, ask your daughters to find you one if you have to. If you’re not someone who spends money on yourself because you’ve always put everyone else first then now’s the time to stop. Go to a decent clothes shop, buy clothes that fit, not ones that hide your figure, get advice from a stylist at John Lewis or something. I’m only saying this because you sound like you do well financially. Get a facial, massage, just be out the house most evenings.
so whether he decides to come back or not you’ve improved your self-esteem, fitness (endorphins are good for your Mental health) and all the while feeling like you’re working towards getting him back. You’re not ready to hear he’s a bad man, especially with it being out of character, so don’t try and convince yourself yet. Just go through the stages. I’m sorry and I don’t think you should have ti change, I’m just speaking from my own experience on how you can get through each day whilst feeling like you’re working towards a goal. I’m sure you’re a beautiful woman and your personality seems lovely. Men are SHALLOW. The woman my dad had an affair with was 10 years younger, blonde, Botox vs my mum who ages gracefully, wears baggy clothes to hide her figure. The other woman was a nutjob though and he soon came back.

Calliopespa · 19/09/2024 08:40

Babybirdmum · 19/09/2024 08:26

wow I’ve been reading this for the past few days and I can’t believe this has happened to you, it’s so shocking and awful. It makes me look at my husband with distrust because he is also lovely and I can’t imagine someone flipping a switch like that. You must be feeling like your world has collapsed.
I notice your main concern right now from the title is whether he will come back, and I totally get that feeling. When my ex split up with me I only cared about getting him back. In some ways though I think it can be quite healing to be in that mindset. I see people telling you that you shouldn’t want him back after what he’s done, but I like some other people understand why you do. I’m not saying whether you’re right or wrong to feel like that, it’s just how you feel, and I get it. So I am going to offer you a different perspective. Maybe you should “try” and get him back (not how you think). When I split with my ex I did some research and found the best way to get someone back is to go no contact for 30 days. At first I did what you did, I cried, begged, called day and night, went to his house etc. but then I thought I’d try this method and 30 days seemed doable. It’s like reverse psychology, he will be wondering about you and what you’re doing or thinking when you’re not in touch.
You say he is physically fit and attractive and seem down on yourself. I am sure you’re attractive but maybe you could try and improve your appearance to “get him back”. Go to the gym after work, so when he drives past your house and sees your not in he’ll wonder where you “what if she’s seeing a new man?” he’ll think. Get a really good haircut, extensions if you have thin hair, a decent colour - try a new hairdresser, ask your daughters to find you one if you have to. If you’re not someone who spends money on yourself because you’ve always put everyone else first then now’s the time to stop. Go to a decent clothes shop, buy clothes that fit, not ones that hide your figure, get advice from a stylist at John Lewis or something. I’m only saying this because you sound like you do well financially. Get a facial, massage, just be out the house most evenings.
so whether he decides to come back or not you’ve improved your self-esteem, fitness (endorphins are good for your Mental health) and all the while feeling like you’re working towards getting him back. You’re not ready to hear he’s a bad man, especially with it being out of character, so don’t try and convince yourself yet. Just go through the stages. I’m sorry and I don’t think you should have ti change, I’m just speaking from my own experience on how you can get through each day whilst feeling like you’re working towards a goal. I’m sure you’re a beautiful woman and your personality seems lovely. Men are SHALLOW. The woman my dad had an affair with was 10 years younger, blonde, Botox vs my mum who ages gracefully, wears baggy clothes to hide her figure. The other woman was a nutjob though and he soon came back.

I know this is kindly meant and I also can see truth in what you say. But the idea of op having to launch a self improvement plan in the hope of winning back her marriage - something already rightfully hers - by a mad scramble to adopt superficial adjustments makes me feel really sad.

If that’s what will stop him in his tracks, and not shared Dc, years of history together, is he really worth having?

Sparklywhiteteeth · 19/09/2024 08:42

Babybirdmum · 19/09/2024 08:26

wow I’ve been reading this for the past few days and I can’t believe this has happened to you, it’s so shocking and awful. It makes me look at my husband with distrust because he is also lovely and I can’t imagine someone flipping a switch like that. You must be feeling like your world has collapsed.
I notice your main concern right now from the title is whether he will come back, and I totally get that feeling. When my ex split up with me I only cared about getting him back. In some ways though I think it can be quite healing to be in that mindset. I see people telling you that you shouldn’t want him back after what he’s done, but I like some other people understand why you do. I’m not saying whether you’re right or wrong to feel like that, it’s just how you feel, and I get it. So I am going to offer you a different perspective. Maybe you should “try” and get him back (not how you think). When I split with my ex I did some research and found the best way to get someone back is to go no contact for 30 days. At first I did what you did, I cried, begged, called day and night, went to his house etc. but then I thought I’d try this method and 30 days seemed doable. It’s like reverse psychology, he will be wondering about you and what you’re doing or thinking when you’re not in touch.
You say he is physically fit and attractive and seem down on yourself. I am sure you’re attractive but maybe you could try and improve your appearance to “get him back”. Go to the gym after work, so when he drives past your house and sees your not in he’ll wonder where you “what if she’s seeing a new man?” he’ll think. Get a really good haircut, extensions if you have thin hair, a decent colour - try a new hairdresser, ask your daughters to find you one if you have to. If you’re not someone who spends money on yourself because you’ve always put everyone else first then now’s the time to stop. Go to a decent clothes shop, buy clothes that fit, not ones that hide your figure, get advice from a stylist at John Lewis or something. I’m only saying this because you sound like you do well financially. Get a facial, massage, just be out the house most evenings.
so whether he decides to come back or not you’ve improved your self-esteem, fitness (endorphins are good for your Mental health) and all the while feeling like you’re working towards getting him back. You’re not ready to hear he’s a bad man, especially with it being out of character, so don’t try and convince yourself yet. Just go through the stages. I’m sorry and I don’t think you should have ti change, I’m just speaking from my own experience on how you can get through each day whilst feeling like you’re working towards a goal. I’m sure you’re a beautiful woman and your personality seems lovely. Men are SHALLOW. The woman my dad had an affair with was 10 years younger, blonde, Botox vs my mum who ages gracefully, wears baggy clothes to hide her figure. The other woman was a nutjob though and he soon came back.

As much as I agree, that focusing on yourself is key, doing it to compete with the ow and win him back is beyond shit advice.

op, you say he had a book of complaints. But you seem intent in painting him in the most glorious colours, attractive, interesting, fabulous husband and father . So you must see the disconnect, something is adrift here.

instesd of focusing on winning him back or obsessing on the ow, why don’t you reflect on his complaints. Yes the cupboards is ridiculous, but was it a bone of contention. How was your sex life, were you intimate, romantic, or if you sit down and think about it, had it become more like friends. Were you more happy with rhe life, comfortable, than part of an intimate and loving relationship. As always in a solit, there are two people with different views of the relationship.

and take time to focus on you. Not to win him back with extensions and Botox and figure hugging clothes, but so you feel good.

TheAverageJoanne · 19/09/2024 08:51

Calliopespa · 19/09/2024 08:40

I know this is kindly meant and I also can see truth in what you say. But the idea of op having to launch a self improvement plan in the hope of winning back her marriage - something already rightfully hers - by a mad scramble to adopt superficial adjustments makes me feel really sad.

If that’s what will stop him in his tracks, and not shared Dc, years of history together, is he really worth having?

Agree. He's not worth having, and all that pampering should be done for oneself not an ungrateful toad. It's like underlining the fact you're not good enough for this A+ guy (who's outed himself as a z lister.)

By all means do that to give yourself a boost but not to mistakenly think you're making yourself good enough.

Babybirdmum · 19/09/2024 09:07

Calliopespa · 19/09/2024 08:40

I know this is kindly meant and I also can see truth in what you say. But the idea of op having to launch a self improvement plan in the hope of winning back her marriage - something already rightfully hers - by a mad scramble to adopt superficial adjustments makes me feel really sad.

If that’s what will stop him in his tracks, and not shared Dc, years of history together, is he really worth having?

I also don’t think she should have to do this as I hope I conveyed, but I know that at this stage in the breakup it’s probably the only motivator for her. It’s hard for her to see her husband as a bad man when he’s been good for 35 years to expect her to flip a switch on him the same way he has done to her is psychologically very difficult.

Babybirdmum · 19/09/2024 09:11

Sparklywhiteteeth · 19/09/2024 08:42

As much as I agree, that focusing on yourself is key, doing it to compete with the ow and win him back is beyond shit advice.

op, you say he had a book of complaints. But you seem intent in painting him in the most glorious colours, attractive, interesting, fabulous husband and father . So you must see the disconnect, something is adrift here.

instesd of focusing on winning him back or obsessing on the ow, why don’t you reflect on his complaints. Yes the cupboards is ridiculous, but was it a bone of contention. How was your sex life, were you intimate, romantic, or if you sit down and think about it, had it become more like friends. Were you more happy with rhe life, comfortable, than part of an intimate and loving relationship. As always in a solit, there are two people with different views of the relationship.

and take time to focus on you. Not to win him back with extensions and Botox and figure hugging clothes, but so you feel good.

Some people can turn their love off overnight and others can’t. Like the OP I just can’t do it. What I was suggesting was she “fakes it til she makes it,” even if in her head she is “winning him back.”

Calliopespa · 19/09/2024 09:12

Babybirdmum · 19/09/2024 09:11

Some people can turn their love off overnight and others can’t. Like the OP I just can’t do it. What I was suggesting was she “fakes it til she makes it,” even if in her head she is “winning him back.”

I don’t disagree that a haircut, new coat etc can give a boost.

Laiste · 19/09/2024 09:23

I would love to think that the collective supportive vibes from all the women posting and reading your thread and thinking of you, OP, are reaching you and helping. Even if it's only a percentage or two Flowers

If we could have a group hug you'd be so squished there in the middle ! xx

InSearchOfMartin · 19/09/2024 09:30

WINNING him back? WIN? He's not a prize. Not at all. Unless he's the booby prize.

Cotonsugar · 19/09/2024 09:37

offyoujollywelltrot · 17/09/2024 16:47

Some of them come back when they realise the woman they've deserted you for, aren't going to coddle them like their mother did, or take care of them the way you did before he strayed. If there's explosive sex then it will eventually trail off, and that's usually when they realise they've fucked up and want to "come home sheepishly", full of apologies and promises. Downside will be that he's probably gotten the OW pregnant, so then you'll be tied together for life.

It's fucking horrible. I'm sorry your husband is another disappointing man.

So true. This happened to someone in my family. The younger ow wasn’t prepared to do as much for him as his wife did and he returned to his wife after six months. I believe she was co-dependant on him so accepted him back.

fc123 · 19/09/2024 09:45

@Pleasenotme
I also divorced my XH after a 35 year marriage (37 yrs together) for cheating.
He had cheated before 31 years prior and I know there were other 'dalliances ' plus he was decent looking, charming etc like yours.
We also got along extremely well.

I crashed on discovery day (Xmas day morning) and threw him out 2 days later. He defaulted and moved in with her. She wanted husband no 4 and played a superb pick me dance.

Without going into more details about that, I am now 2 yrs 10 months on.
These are the things I did over that period when I was deep in the trauma and shock. I lost 2 stone very quickly and just crumbled but the following things got me through:

I walked manically for an hour every morning just to unravel my mind

I contacted a great solicitor and got the ball rolling ( he refused to reply as didn't want a divorce after all apparently).

I had a yoga habit and continued to attend classes

I got some great talking therapy weekly online who helped enormously.

I learnt to roller skate ( great social thing too )
I contacted friends and made sure I went out every weekend somewhere so I could dress up and at least look good

I had an amazing friend who called me every day and just listened.

I did the new haircut, had a bit of face stuff done and bought some new clothes.

I booked a few long weekends away at spas and retreats and met other women at these places who'd been in similar and it was eye opening.

After 9 months I had a somatic therapy course which changed my life as it really helped me understand my emotions and feelings.

I saw my adult children / grandchildren a lot and still cooked for them when they visited and tried to be the strong mum they wanted me to be. A bit fake it until you make it I guess.

After 10 months I I felt strong enough to just see what online dating was like. Had some dates and dalliances but decided it wasn't for me but I don't regret it as I felt like a woman again ( not a wife).

At 10 months he asked me if it was 'too late for us?' and I said yes, you chose to live with someone else. He cried.
I was expected to do the Pick Me Dance ( as I used to do I realised) and refused.

Books I read that helped hugely were
'Leave a cheater gain a life' ( invaluable even if you don't want it to end) and I still read Chump lady's posts most weeks.

'Cheating in a nutshell' by Wayne and Tamara Mitchell was incredible.

How to heal a broken heart by Rosie Green

After a year I went to India for 6 weeks, had a lust at first sight moment and now have a long distance lover who I see every few weeks ( he lives in a Mediterranean country) and I rediscovered my sexuality. It suits me.

I still have low moments and get very sad at times ( mostly from the rejection and cruelty he meted out to me ) and I now just have to accept those feelings as being part of me.

Financially I'm worse off but OK and I chose to have zero contact with him at all ( he tried to be friends and be flirty if we ever bumped into each other ) and my adult kids understand why.

I had to start again at age 59 and I won't lie, it's been incredibly hard. But staying married I would have had to suppress a lot of emotions and I now know how that can affect someone.

I found out that he's discovered the grass isn't greener just a different colour and he tried to split last year but wasn't brave enough. He's now entangled financially with the OW and I'm sure there are good bits in their partnership so they carry on but he looks dreadful. He's put on weight, drinks too much and has really aged.
The OW is happy as she got a man to fund her life and look after her.

I believe he'll cheat on her at some point as he can't help himself and loves to chase the thrill.

fc123 · 19/09/2024 09:50

InSearchOfMartin · 19/09/2024 09:30

WINNING him back? WIN? He's not a prize. Not at all. Unless he's the booby prize.

Edited

I agree. The Pick me Dance is just the worst thing we can do.
It's hard to recognise ourselves doing it too for some reason. Comes out of the feelings of rejection

www.chumplady.com/the-pick-me-dance/

fc123 · 19/09/2024 09:56

And Chump lady has a great podcast site.
When you feel ready listening to some of these may help too

www.tellmehowyouremighty.com/episodes/

forevernumb · 19/09/2024 09:59

Babybirdmum · 19/09/2024 08:26

wow I’ve been reading this for the past few days and I can’t believe this has happened to you, it’s so shocking and awful. It makes me look at my husband with distrust because he is also lovely and I can’t imagine someone flipping a switch like that. You must be feeling like your world has collapsed.
I notice your main concern right now from the title is whether he will come back, and I totally get that feeling. When my ex split up with me I only cared about getting him back. In some ways though I think it can be quite healing to be in that mindset. I see people telling you that you shouldn’t want him back after what he’s done, but I like some other people understand why you do. I’m not saying whether you’re right or wrong to feel like that, it’s just how you feel, and I get it. So I am going to offer you a different perspective. Maybe you should “try” and get him back (not how you think). When I split with my ex I did some research and found the best way to get someone back is to go no contact for 30 days. At first I did what you did, I cried, begged, called day and night, went to his house etc. but then I thought I’d try this method and 30 days seemed doable. It’s like reverse psychology, he will be wondering about you and what you’re doing or thinking when you’re not in touch.
You say he is physically fit and attractive and seem down on yourself. I am sure you’re attractive but maybe you could try and improve your appearance to “get him back”. Go to the gym after work, so when he drives past your house and sees your not in he’ll wonder where you “what if she’s seeing a new man?” he’ll think. Get a really good haircut, extensions if you have thin hair, a decent colour - try a new hairdresser, ask your daughters to find you one if you have to. If you’re not someone who spends money on yourself because you’ve always put everyone else first then now’s the time to stop. Go to a decent clothes shop, buy clothes that fit, not ones that hide your figure, get advice from a stylist at John Lewis or something. I’m only saying this because you sound like you do well financially. Get a facial, massage, just be out the house most evenings.
so whether he decides to come back or not you’ve improved your self-esteem, fitness (endorphins are good for your Mental health) and all the while feeling like you’re working towards getting him back. You’re not ready to hear he’s a bad man, especially with it being out of character, so don’t try and convince yourself yet. Just go through the stages. I’m sorry and I don’t think you should have ti change, I’m just speaking from my own experience on how you can get through each day whilst feeling like you’re working towards a goal. I’m sure you’re a beautiful woman and your personality seems lovely. Men are SHALLOW. The woman my dad had an affair with was 10 years younger, blonde, Botox vs my mum who ages gracefully, wears baggy clothes to hide her figure. The other woman was a nutjob though and he soon came back.

Did you get your ex back by doing all this stuff ?
I have to say much of this is very shallow - you think men stray because of how their wife looks?
Maybe you feel this way because your mother tolerated this?

BigAnne · 19/09/2024 10:01

Why do we see "charming" as a good point. To me it feels phoney and manipulative. It's someone putting on an act to get their own way.

Sandwichgen · 19/09/2024 10:12

Forevernumb - I think the poster is suggesting it as a distraction and counter-measure, and self esteem booster

1dayatathyme · 19/09/2024 10:13

Floralnomad · 19/09/2024 00:58

What a stupid generalisation , you do know that not all men are the same ? My husband is 65 and does most of the housework, all the gardening and DIY as well as working ft . @Pleasenotme this has obviously been an almighty shock for you but you are a professional, articulate woman and you need to stop thinking about him as some kind of god and start thinking about him in real terms - which is a cheating scumbag .

It makes me laugh there are people who actually think once a man reaches his 60s he's unattractive & past it. Think George Clooney 60s, Harrison Ford or Tom Jones, both now 80.The men I know at this stage of life are still extremely active in all areas of their marriage, at least according to their wives. Admittedly they are men who are mostly still working, they keep fit, are generally healthy & haven't 'let themselves go'

ArabellaScott · 19/09/2024 10:23

If people want to discuss How Hot is George Clooney perhaps make another thread? The OP is here for support and this is not helpful.

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