Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

Or reflect on: How dishonest was he? How traitorous, how mendacious, how cruel? How manipulative, shallow, ego-driven and foolish is he? How substandard as a human being and a partner?

I mean fuck all the other noise. This man is a prick.

You sound like an amazing woman!!

@Sparklywhiteteeth I can assure you that I have very much focused on his complaints - indeed I have done nothing very much else as being told by your beloved husband just how apparently shit I am in almost every aspect of our relationship, apart from the fact that he thinks I am 'very good at my job' and 'a fantastic mother' - bloody well concentrates the mind! I am realistic enough to realise that some of his unhappiness will be rooted in certain frustrations, frustrations that do tend to accompany a long relationship, but I am also sharp enough to know that he is undoubtedly reeling off all my shortcomings as an excuse to justify his affair.

As so many women on here has asserted, he is not alone in these behaviours, and it is the same narrative my GP referred to, so clearly it is a thing. I'm not going to state them all, as they could be outing, but many of the aspersions he threw at me ARE in contrast to the OW insofar as I know her and of her, and - bluntly - rather a lot of them are beyond my control. I have no doubt that he had her in his mind's eye when he was reeling them off, and I reiterate a point I made a couple of days ago that some of the language he used, and how he phrased sentences, were simply not him - he just doesn't talk that way so clearly she has influence, the poison in his ear, that he has embraced.

As for our intimate life, it was fantastic; it took a downturn during the early childhood years which is many people's experience, but was very much on full throttle over the last few years and although I might be in a profession that is considered rather dull, I am pretty imaginative when it comes to that part of our lives together and I know him very, very well. What I can't compete with is the physique and glamour of a much younger woman who is also an entirely different shape to me. I could spend multiple hours in the gym every day and never look like her because I'm a short woman with Mediterranean and Celtic blood and she is a rangy ectomorph.

I do need to do something about my appearance because at the moment I look an absolute wreck. I haven't washed my hair since his bombshell and I hurt so much physically that even water on my face feels too much. I haven't left the house for days but I probably do need to get out, even it's to get some milk. My boss has just done her daily check in and I discussed the GP's thoughts with her. I think the PT option isn't really a starter due to the nature of my role so I am thinking about taking some leave, just for a couple of weeks, to allow the A-Ds to start working, or ask the GP to sign me off, as he offered. She was very kind and said that there is no rush about anything but I just felt so useless when I spoke to her. I sense her shock about it too as she has always known me as a competent specialist and manager, and now I'm like a dependant child. I am ashamed.

For the PP who queried my Dr's prescription of A-D's, well I don't know why he offered those as opposed something to help me sleep, but I presume it was in response to my description of my intrusive thoughts about killing myself, which included going down to the railway line which is not far from our house. I imagine that is why he also mentioned the Crisis team if I am spiralling. He has started me on 50mg.

I am desperate to hear from my H but there is complete silence. It is like a living death, I am just so hollowed out and a shell of what I was.

.

Mine was and still is conventionally 'charming'. I now see it as creepy and manipulative behaviour ( which is definitely how he uses it!) but it's one of those words that can mean several things I think

I don’t think you should give even a second more thought to ‘his book of complaints’ as you rightly said it was said by him to help him justify - if he truly cared about your well being he could have just said sorry I care about you but don’t want to be married anymore…not dragged you down further by reeling off a petty list.

Also, you keep putting yourself down - please stop this. You’ve been through enough - your life is tough at the moment without you giving yourself a hard time. This is sudden, unexpected - it’s like a bereavement for you - you are grieving for the post and the future - cut yourself some slack!

OP a short period of leave sounds not a bad idea.

I hope you are okay. Can you think of something today that you would like to do that would be simple, pleasant and a relief?

A walk in the sunshine?

I wouldn't give his book of complaints another thought. Who is he to list faults to justify his scummy behavior?!. I hope he thinks shacking up with someone with 2 young kids will be fun, he's lost leave of his senses. Onyhoo enough about that clown.
I'm so glad you have a great boss by the sound of things. As someone else said, how about a walk out even if it's just to a shop for milk. Also book in for your haircut if you feel up to it. Put yourself first now. Who cares what he's up to. The last laugh will be yours, doesn't seem like it now but it will be. 💐.

People are saying he is old at 60 therefore can't be attractive. My point is proving men of this age are not only attractive to many younger women, they have affairs with them rich or not. I was simply proving OPs post where she states her husband is attractive then she was questioned, so yes my post is relevant.

Mumsnet is an amazing place when there are no trolls about. I’ve been on here since just after it started, and it has helped me through 2 marriage wobbles (2 x DH midlife crisis), infertility, pregnancy issues, in-law dramas and step mum dramas.

Some of the things I’ve learnt include;

We see posts like the OP’s all the time. The man with the script and the OW. The wife is broken and distraught. Then about a year later they pick up on the thread again, and come back to update us. The woman who comes back is always a different, better person. She usually tells us that she can’t believe she was that wreck looking back on her posts, or diary entries. How the exH is now a total mess who asked to come back, but was told to fuck off back to their hole, so the ex stayed with the OW and is seen around unshaven, grey and miserable with his new set up. The exW is like, I was so sad at the start, but one day I woke up and realised he’d done me a favour. I don’t have as much money, but I’m happy, I’ve got a really close relationship with my DC who don’t want to know him, I feel great, and I’ve met a really nice man/ don’t need a man/ have been on loads of dates with lovely men. When I see him, I feel pity for my exH.

I see this on here all the time. That’s why the long term posters on here know that this time in 6/9/12 months you are going to say you are glad he’s gone.

Secondly, I think we women need to come up with some counter punches for when men deliver The Script to us. Our reaction is always one of shock, dizziness and confusion. This person who we love, and often have DC with has turned on you and is rewriting history. It’s psychological manipulation and bullying. It disarms you.

What I want to see is more women knowing about The Script. That way you know what you are dealing with. Information is power. I’ve sat opposite friends whose DH are cheating and I’ve said, “ah, that’s the script”.

If more of us are aware of it, perhaps we will be more empowered when it is used to try and break us.

I have had DH issues too. The first time was about 20 years ago when my DH came home from a business trip a completely different person. He went to oversee the sale of a business and the Chilean daughter of the owner charmed him. I was 33, no DC and I was broken. MN helped me back on my feet, but there was no talk of The Script back then. About 5 years ago he “didn’t want to be married” again, and I was told I’d let myself go, didn’t keep the house tidy, had nothing in common, if we didn’t have DC we wouldn’t be together……etc. I was broken inside, but I knew that this wasn’t true and it was The Script. Because I knew this, I didn’t stand for it. I printed it off, and sat down with it, and laughingly ticket it off to him;

Let myself go - tick
Don’t keep the house tidy - tick
If we didn’t have kids we wouldn’t be together - tick

Then I said, “let me know when you want to talk again, you haven’t yet covered, “there’s no need to get a solicitor” and “there’s no one else” and “I’ve been unhappy for years”, “also, I’m not stupid, don’t think that in 3 or 6 months time you are going to just pop up with another woman and pretend you’ve just met. I’m not that fucking stupid. I’ll be telling your parents and my DC not to fall for that shit”.

I can’t be certain that my DH has not cheated on me. I do not have a shred of evidence. He is still here. He knows that one more incident and he’s gone, even a message to another woman and I am gone. The second time I was given The Scriot I was much more empowered. I printed it off, and laughed in his face. He whimpered off with his tail between his legs. He went from cocky superman, gods gift to women, to totally outmanoeuvred by the person he was the day before telling that he’s too clever for me.

The sheer audacity of complaining you have a couple of messy cupboards as you don’t like throwing sentimental items away. If that’s the worse he can come up with you have had a pretty nice life together.
Honestly he’ll have no clue just how good he has had it until he hasn’t.

@Pleasenotme he's going to be full
of shame and they all change the narrative to try to present to others how justified their crappy behaviour is.
So they hide and he maybe no contact as seeing your grief and pain prompts this.

Do you have a good friend who you can walk with today just for an hour?
In the Mitchell book I recommended there was a chapter on how we can't face the world in the immediate aftermath and the same happened to me. I literally forced myself to go out and face the outside world for quite a while. I just wanted to hide land wish the pain would go away.
The only thing that eased it was getting some endorphin from moving.

I know how it feels OP. It's like a physical wound all through the body. Day by day, step by step is how I had to look at it as the future was too fearful at the time. The pain overwhelming.

Now I'm in the future that I was terrified of ( I thought I had a life partner) and I remember others saying to me what I am saying to you now ( and I didn't believe them either)at the time) that one day it would be ok.
I know it's not helpful now me saying that to you but keep posting here for support. Connect with friends in real life. Read stuff. Move your body if can.

It's so hard and I feel for you

This thread is a brilliant example of MN support and love when the chips are down. You have so many fans.

OP, please stop apologising for being pathetic. You are not. He's pathetic
Don't believe his rewriting of history. He is going to have such a hideous experience raising those kids. I can't imagine putting up with screaming kids in my 50s. He is in his 60s.

Take whatever time you need with work your boss sounds very supportive. Think if was your member of staff you’d be compassionate so you deserve the same yourself. You’ve been a good employee and just need some time. That’s how it works with a decent employer.

It's so good that your boss is onside.

I too think the GP has prescribed ADs because of what you've told him.

Do you have a close enough friend to talk to? You haven't said about anybody coming round apart from your brother.

Tiny tiny baby steps to doing anything. Eating. A little wash. A few mins standing outside with a cup of tea. A mindless bit of TV

Hour at a time my lovely.

You will have the last laugh -

this almost 60 year old man might shack up with ow who has 2 children under 5 !
so he should be thinking of retirement in a few years ( less than 10 ? unless he chooses early retirement so maybe even sooner )
and he would then be playing happy families with primary school aged children and teenagers when he has already been and done all that.
and there is always the possibility that ow and him may have a baby - omg !

starting all over again when retirement and the golf course :) are on the horizon

there is no fool like an old fool !

Thinking of you op. Someone further up raised a good point, don’t forget that the brain is going through a sort of withdrawal that’s why it’s also painful. I know it sounds dry and clinical like that but it helped me understand my feelings which were so raw and all consuming.

Ops husband has without a doubt been an absolute horror. I don't see many posts where the OW has been given the same amount of vitriol which she definitely deserves. If she had an ounce of integrity or consideration for OPs family, she would have told this despicable man that much as she is attracted to him he has a wife & family & wouldn't consider a relationship at least until the marriage had officially & mutually ended.

Stay strong OP. You've had some well deserved excellent advice & support.

This has not happened to me but I get that it is not possible to switch off feelings in a long marriage.

That was Chris, all over! Everyone thought he was such a charming person and amazing and all that. I now see him for the clown he is.

Hi OP,

Just a quick post in terms of the ADs.

There may be side effects at the beginning, in fact, almost certainly - nausea, lack of appetite, exhaustion etc. So maybe start on half a tablet as you are already feeling so terrible.

Did he marry you by mistake? Or not really knowing what he was doing? That’s a popular one.

He is an absolute selfish, entitled, cheating lying arse. You still love him of course. Loving him as you do could you even begin to imagine treating him the way he is you, being so cruel, so vindictive, so selfish? No. You know you couldn’t, even if you were wanting out yourself. Try and focus on that when you are able to.

Time off sounds like a plan, as is trying to do little things. Getting him out of your head is the way forward, and every little distraction helps. Maybe have a shower/wash your hair today?

Finally, it’s a terrifying embracement of reality but get legal advice asap. He is frighteningly ahead of you, you can’t even relay on his guilty phase. Don’t assume he will be reasonable here either, assume the worst and be ready for it. Hope the sun is out where you are, and if so get some on your face even through a window!

Small meals and often. Brain dead telly to fill the silence.
May I suggest -- When I felt utterly despondent and beaten up, I'd imagine the OW standing across the road looking at me, judging me. I could feel my shoulders straighten up, my chin lift. Go do your hair, wear something you love even just for slobbing, Put on lipstick just for you. Can't face people? Practice a few words - "I'm having a tough time right now, don't want to talk about it, hope you understand". Once you've said it a few times you won't have to think about it. Hairdresser if you feel you can. Do what feels right for you - there were a couple of days when I didn't get out of bed and that felt right for those days. Don't beat yourself up. Sending love and support.

And yes, wouldn't it be great if, in response to The Script, there was a definitive answer.

The stand out thing from your last updated is the words "I am ashamed." (in relation to the conversations you have had with your boss about work). I could cry for you when I hear you say that.

This ashamed feeling is not something you have created yourself; it is being fed by his lies. Your husband has made you feel this. Not you. He is responsible. He has made you focus on his awful words about you being such a horrible wife, which is untrue. Don't spend time analysing what he said to see if what he said was true because it won't be. He's only said these things to suppress his guilt.

Do you know if you feel any anger at all in how he has treated you? No tiny kernel that has ignited and is slowly gathering tiny tiny pace?

After such a massive shock it's no surprise you've not washed your hair or been out to the shops! Baby steps. Maybe have a shower and wash your hair today. Tomorrow, maybe walk round the block for 10 minutes.

Other than your children, do you have a friend you could speak to/have round? Please keep posting, so we know you are ok (as you can be). You're on my mind all the time atm and I hope you discover a shining light to help you through this dreadful time.

Would someone be willing to write "the script" out, so we can be prepared for it should the situation arise? And help out friends who may need it and aren't aware? I only heard of it for the first time a year or so ago!

I just thinking someones husband coming in saying ‘I think I might leave..’

and them saying
’DONT BOTHER pretending there is no other woman, don’t LIE, I know men don’t jump without somewhere to land, I know there is someone else and this is NO SURPRISE to me.
I know you are a different person, I was EXPECTING this and I’m going to get the best solicitor and make you PAY for the divorce and get every penny out of you and make you wish you were dead, and if you ever come back begging I will laugh in your face!!!!
I know this script sir!!!’

And him saying ‘I was just going to say that: I might leave the porch light on as our son is still out’

and I think you should come off Mumsnet