Mumsnet is an amazing place when there are no trolls about. I’ve been on here since just after it started, and it has helped me through 2 marriage wobbles (2 x DH midlife crisis), infertility, pregnancy issues, in-law dramas and step mum dramas.
Some of the things I’ve learnt include;
We see posts like the OP’s all the time. The man with the script and the OW. The wife is broken and distraught. Then about a year later they pick up on the thread again, and come back to update us. The woman who comes back is always a different, better person. She usually tells us that she can’t believe she was that wreck looking back on her posts, or diary entries. How the exH is now a total mess who asked to come back, but was told to fuck off back to their hole, so the ex stayed with the OW and is seen around unshaven, grey and miserable with his new set up. The exW is like, I was so sad at the start, but one day I woke up and realised he’d done me a favour. I don’t have as much money, but I’m happy, I’ve got a really close relationship with my DC who don’t want to know him, I feel great, and I’ve met a really nice man/ don’t need a man/ have been on loads of dates with lovely men. When I see him, I feel pity for my exH.
I see this on here all the time. That’s why the long term posters on here know that this time in 6/9/12 months you are going to say you are glad he’s gone.
Secondly, I think we women need to come up with some counter punches for when men deliver The Script to us. Our reaction is always one of shock, dizziness and confusion. This person who we love, and often have DC with has turned on you and is rewriting history. It’s psychological manipulation and bullying. It disarms you.
What I want to see is more women knowing about The Script. That way you know what you are dealing with. Information is power. I’ve sat opposite friends whose DH are cheating and I’ve said, “ah, that’s the script”.
If more of us are aware of it, perhaps we will be more empowered when it is used to try and break us.
I have had DH issues too. The first time was about 20 years ago when my DH came home from a business trip a completely different person. He went to oversee the sale of a business and the Chilean daughter of the owner charmed him. I was 33, no DC and I was broken. MN helped me back on my feet, but there was no talk of The Script back then. About 5 years ago he “didn’t want to be married” again, and I was told I’d let myself go, didn’t keep the house tidy, had nothing in common, if we didn’t have DC we wouldn’t be together……etc. I was broken inside, but I knew that this wasn’t true and it was The Script. Because I knew this, I didn’t stand for it. I printed it off, and sat down with it, and laughingly ticket it off to him;
Let myself go - tick
Don’t keep the house tidy - tick
If we didn’t have kids we wouldn’t be together - tick
Then I said, “let me know when you want to talk again, you haven’t yet covered, “there’s no need to get a solicitor” and “there’s no one else” and “I’ve been unhappy for years”, “also, I’m not stupid, don’t think that in 3 or 6 months time you are going to just pop up with another woman and pretend you’ve just met. I’m not that fucking stupid. I’ll be telling your parents and my DC not to fall for that shit”.
I can’t be certain that my DH has not cheated on me. I do not have a shred of evidence. He is still here. He knows that one more incident and he’s gone, even a message to another woman and I am gone. The second time I was given The Scriot I was much more empowered. I printed it off, and laughed in his face. He whimpered off with his tail between his legs. He went from cocky superman, gods gift to women, to totally outmanoeuvred by the person he was the day before telling that he’s too clever for me.