Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

I have no words but sending you a big hug OP ❤️

I phrased that sentence badly as your (understandable) reading of it was not what I intended. I should have written “this early in the shocking experience”.

@Pleasenotme i just wanted to come on here and say I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

5 years ago the same thing happened to my mum, except her marriage was 25 years old and it was to a very unpleasant man.

She went through all the feelings and emotions you are going through right now, in fact, she moved in with me and my FH for 3 weeks. Me and my siblings pulled together and we got her through it.

You will also move through this. I absolutely promise you will. Take it in 3’s…. 3 days of absolute shock and raw grief; something shifts on day 4 and you feel slightly less unhinged. By week 3 you feel less fragile in the moment and by month 3 you are sort of functioning. By year 3 you’ll have been on a couple of holidays with your DC and girlfriends and you’ll probably be driving a different car and have a different haircut. It sounds silly, but you won’t be the same woman.

The only thing I really wanted to caution you about is your home. 5 years ago my mum was ADAMANT she wanted to keep the (very beautiful, spacious, comfortable) family home that she had worked so hard to make just right. She would not be dissuaded. 5 years on it is too big for her, is spendy to upkeep and she is going to need to sell it. In hindsight, it would have been better to have sold it in the divorce. It is just something to think about. It now overwhelms her.

I know it’s too soon for you to contemplate now. Sending love.

Bayern 21.03
True what you say. But I would like to make it clear, OP says OW is on mumsnet, I noticed one poster has written a nice text with a happy ending. I was trying to advise her to beware of user names that are new.

One of the things I found when my first marriage ended after a period of grieving was how liberating it was. I was in charge of my own life I was able to get on and do so many things without having to consult someone else that had held me back previously. Not having to compromise to fit around someone else made everything so much more enjoyable.

My friend's Mum left with a man and then came back a few weeks later, having figured out that he was actually pretty awful. I think things were a bit tense at home after that, but she is still with her husband now. Her DH and kids keep a sharp eye on her though.

"...he is both an extremely attractive and very interesting man."

No he is not. He is an ugly cheating twat.

I hope he's looking forward to living with those feral children, who will surely be even worse once their lives are turned upside down.

He absolutely deserves to have no peace. May he be woken up early every day with their screaming. May they turn the house into a shithole and may they give him a good kicking and bite him on his middle aged arse.

Start getting angry @Pleasenotme . You deserve better than him.

I never purported to be her doctor, however I am a qualified registered medical professional who works in mental health.

DB is on setraline and has been for years. He can’t come off it though. Tried numerous times and gets too wobbly. Proceed with caution. It may be life… it’s changes your brain chemistry.

If you can afford it I would suggest acupuncture, holidays abroad or just getting away from the four walls you find yourself in, Netflix, a good book, listen to the radio, be with others, however that may look. Water, music, exercise/movement, sunshine, massage, all of these change our state.

This feeling of complete devastation will not last. We cannot sustain states of being like this permanently. Humans live with and for hope. It’s how we survive tragedies and wars. Without hope, we give up. So keep hope in your heart OP. And know that an end is on its way. You are like a phoenix. Broken and burnt but not destroyed. You will rise again.

I sometimes think an end of relationship is shocking because it reminds us of our own death. We must face that nothing is permanent no matter how real it feels at the time. Sorry if that sounds morbid its more though to acknowledge the deeper level perhaps. And perhaps for that reason some spiritual practices may soothe you. I’m not sure what that could look like for you. But maybe something to think about.

35 years is a very long time OP. It’s going to take time. He is your longest relationship bar your mum and dad. This is a major shock to the system. But we cope somehow. All of us, even when we think we can’t.

Wishing you strength and courage OP. You will be ok. Not right now but in time to come. Yes. Just know that, all you need is a tiny seed of hope and cling to it.

The A-D's I've been prescribed are Sertraline; I had Citalopram years ago when I had some post-natal depression which although it helped me, led to awful side effects, hence his offering Setraline. I've just googled the potential side effects of that and they are terrifying so if anyone has anything positive to say about how it has helped them, I would love to hear as I'm frightened of taking it I think.

I am very sorry for your situation, OP, it is awful and you are grieving. He isn't grieving, he's come to terms with this a while ago without having the decency to tell you. He's a twat and you will come through this.

Anyway, I wanted to post about your medication. I had Setraline and did experience nausea as an ongoing side effect. There is medication for that and I took Ondansetren (prescribed) to offset it and make the AD bearable. I don't know if that will help at all but for me there's nothing worse than feeling sick on top of everything else.

You have such support here, I hope you'll keep posting. As far as OW seeing your posts and recognising your story, it's such a commonplace thing (sadly) that she'd never find you. Keep your counsel regarding anything that would give identifying information about your next steps though, that is good advice.

Hi,

I’m tentatively reaching out because so much of your story is the same as mine. I’ve been lurking for a while (a few days) but your retelling is so similar to what I’m currently going through. I’m 13.5 weeks ahead of you. We’d been together 33 years, married 26. We have 4 kids but there’s a reasonably high probability that he knows my name on Mumsnet and will see this post.
I could change my name and will do soon, especially as it was his nickname for me but whilst I’m still the same name I thought I’d reach out.
Like you I really thought that if this happened I’d be furious, the kind of furious that throws his clothes out the window etc. So, like you, I’m gobsmacked at my lack of pure rage. I’ve lurked on your thread since you initially posted it. I’m still so incredibly raw that I’m only reaching out because at 13.5 weeks I need company. The desire to beg is so strong. Like you I have. Unlike you I’ve been a SAHM for the last 18 years. We have 4 kids of which 3 are neurodiverse so I foolishly gave up my career in IT/Investment banking because I thought we’d be together forever. My kids range in age from 24 to 14 and he made it very clear early on that he would never compromise his career. So believing we’d have eternity together once I’d raised the kids I let him bugger off to the Middle East.
I’m the child of divorced parents myself and have done my upmost to protect them from this. Yet in the last week it’s become obvious that he’s not only leaving me, he’s leaving the kids too. Somehow that’s even worse. Like everything we built means nothing to him. His affair is out there but I don’t think she means anything and I don’t know whether thats good or bad. That said he’s definitely being ‘kinder’ to me than your’s and has only told me he had the affair to punish me for being stressed when he got home for the last 6 months (My mother has dementia (3rd loved one to go down this route), I took on a training course that was slightly beyond me at his insistence) but your stbxH’s litany of faults sound awful. I’ve had a list but you’ve definitely had worse.
The b’tard admittted to the affair on my 55th birthday. Yay, so great to have my birthday destroyed for a while.
But I really relate to you on many fronts. Firstly I really can’t understand why I’m not a screaming Banshee. Almost 14 weeks on I think I might be able to reject him if he came crawling back, but it’s only a think and given some of things he’s said and done OMG, I so need a backbone!!!!
Not going to say anymore. Am going to change my username soon. Do PM me if you feel able to because some days sharing the despair and knowing someone else out there knows how you feel and gets it might be helpful.
Sending love and hugs.

I know this is hard, lots of us have been where you are but there will come a point when you won't want him back. You won't be an exception to this rule; you genuinely won't. So look forward to that time it won't be that long. He is seeing someone else so you need to get yourself together and see a solicitor asap. He will be feeling guilty about what he's done to you and you have the upper hand at the moment even though you can't see it. Wait too long and they get nasty and there is also another voice in his ear remember. You can do it, there is a long line of women in front of you who already have. Good luck, fix your crown and crack on. He isn't you, a part of you or anything, you are you and you'll be fine x

Hang on - he wants to split up because there are some messy cupboards???? Seriously? What a TOOL.

So sorry OP I have had horrible shocks at the end of relationships and heartbreaks that were (I imagine) like coming off heroin as I craved their presence so much. Like you my world went very black and I wanted to sleep all the time to try and forget. Everything seemed pointless and hopeless and I had everything from the world going in fast motion while I stood still (like you see in movies) to what I think was utter panic attacks and being scared I couldn't walk a couple of blocks back to my flat.

I went on A/D's and they did help so that has been a good move. They will take a couple of weeks to kick in as I'm sure you know but they will make you more able to cope and feel less suicidal so stick with it and keep telling yourself in two weeks you will feel better so just survive till then.

WFH if you can manage it and if not take 2 weeks off till your A/D's kick in. Don't make any decisions till the two weeks are up and you are more level headed. Do whatever helps you cope for those 2 weeks be it watching trash tv, going for long walks or talking to yourself. Actually writing it all down like you are talking to your husband can really help you process and sort out your thoughts. Sort of like 'I can't believe I'm here and you have done this. We were always so great together and I am reeling with it all. So I'm going to talk to you here ........'
You will find it gives you the comfort of 'talking to him' whilst also getting rid of some of the shock and helps you to go over the details and start to make sense of it. As you are talking only to yourself on paper you can write as much angry, crazy, heartbroken stuff as you want while keeping your dignity in real life. Obviously nobody gets to see it except you. Perhaps that can be what keeps you busy for 2 weeks while your A/D's kick in.

So i don't know your husband and maybe he is the best looking guy in the world, a total fox. Maybe he is amazing and interesting and loving and sexy. He's a waste of space though now. You know why because he's a cheater and neither you nor the other woman can trust him. If you think you are jeleous of the other woman just remember she will never be able to trust him as she will always know he cheated on you and that was after all those happy years together so what chance does she have. It will be a ticking time bomb eating away at her (and him because she's a cheater too). How will they ever trust each other. Throw in the brats, the age difference, the loss of excitement now the affair is no longer secret and this has honestly got disaster written all over it. I could almost feel sorry for the other woman (not really but you know what I mean)

If you could somehow detach and watch the show as an outsider I think it might be quite amusing. So no don't envy her - she will never be able to relax with him. Don't envy him - now the secret thrill is wearing off he will be stuck with a cheater who has small brats.

I bet your bottom dollar if you keep your dignity from now on with him (scream in private in you want) he'll be back within 6 months with his tail between his legs and the ball will be in your court. Whether you will want him or not of course is a whole other ball game.

Oh and if you want to read book that kind of follows what is happening to you I give you Francesca's Party-Patricia Scanlan
MIddle aged man has affair with younger woman and moves in with her. Regrets it all bitterly but too late wife won't take him back.

If you are having some time off work while the ADs kick in and you are tired with writing/processing in your journal in between crying this might distract you.

Don't make any big decisions till the ADs are working and you are clearer headed. Agree to nothing and don't sign anything obviously.
Keep us updated if you feel up to it.

Remember - he is a cheater you can't be trusted therefore he is no longer a great man.

Very bizarre.
A stay at home dad who is now pregnant.

Odd perspective indeed - any very cruel to OP in my opinion,too.

Very good points.
And never underestimate the tedious annoyance of someone else’s kids

My ex husband’s relationship with second wife ( affair) foundered because of her kids.

One thing I have noticed about all cheaters is that they are inately selfish people who take.

So ingrained is their selfishness that they have no concept of the pain of others.

Long marriages with these types usually have partners that are deeply caring who have accomodated their partner's needs, so much to the point that they in fact shield them and protect them from aknowledging their own selfishness, if that makes sense.
Basically an empath who protects the reputation of a deeply selfish individual.
I should imagine op during your marriage it has become harder to not see his selfish nature.
Honestly I've seen women who have championed how wonderful their husbands are, how much they do, how much they provide etc only to really see that it was only all for themselves, they rarely do something unless there is a payoff for themselves in some way.

This man feels entitled to take what he wants, he has no concept of your pain, it would be pointless to expect mercy from him.
This is the real man, an empty shell with no understanding of real love, the only saving grace in this is his ow will have the same make up as him, she is not a carer, an empath, she can't be as she could never harm those arround her like this.
They will be two shits together, whether they will last is anyone's guess, I would lay money on it not lasting but that doesn't help your pain at the moment.

One thing you will learn through this though is how to take for yourself, you will learn to prioritise yourself, your needs are important, learn how to be selfish.
He's an utter fool and has no idea what he has lost, regardless of the outcome, his losses will be significantly higher than his gains.

None of this is your fault or blame apart from the fact you chose a fool and enabled him to think he had a brain.
I personally think you did too good a job of looking after him, building his confidence and supporting him, he didn't deserve it, took it for granted but it looks like he's on his own now.
Pull the plug and take back the power, he won't get chance to feel that kind of support again, there arn't enough years left for that, I should imagine his older years are going to be quite uncertain.

Take care x

What a stupid generalisation , you do know that not all men are the same ? My husband is 65 and does most of the housework, all the gardening and DIY as well as working ft . @Pleasenotme this has obviously been an almighty shock for you but you are a professional, articulate woman and you need to stop thinking about him as some kind of god and start thinking about him in real terms - which is a cheating scumbag .

He’s an undoubted cheat and you are definitely better off without him. Now you have to harden your heart and realise that you can imagine a life without him as he’s a toxic, lying bastard. Get your ducks in a row and hit him hard - he’ll be counting on you being wet and malleable - get a good solicitor and hit him into the middle of next week. Remember - no mercy.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s a living grief.

you get hit on the head with a hammer, this cold person that took over your husbands body and mind

do they come back, that was your question, yes they do ask.

my experience was 9 months later, he asked if he could come home

he went on to marry the OW, had a baby and within 6 months was shacked up with someone else

then he’s moved on a couple of times

grieve for the life that has gone, grieve for the person you once knew and then slowly rebuild your life

how dare he say you have no self respect, you been hit with this blow by him, the shock, fight or flight takes over. Then he comes out with that line, he really is a twat if he doesn’t understand how the human body reacts

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.. I’ve also been there. Together 16 years married 7 (ironic). Unfortunately for him to just come out with it, usually means it’s premeditated and he’s got another woman.
Take your time to heal, but in the meantime do the following;

1. Make sure you open your OWN bank account if you have a joint one TOMORROW and have all your money in your account. My ex was taking our money out of the joint account into his new one and using it for the new woman 🤬
2. Go to a solicitor and YOU get the ball rolling with the divorce. Fuck him he doesn’t tell you what to do.
3. Time WILL heal, I promise you it will, I lost 3 stone in 2 months because of it. I took time out to heal and by god it’s hard. When I was ready to return to life with a new view of my future I got my hair cut, nails done, long baths, connecting with old and new friends.

sending you lots of love and hugs xx

😆

I agree with @oakleaffy in that having her kids around will put a dampener on it but the trick is to pick yourself up and become impermeable by the time that happens because if he wants to come back, it will be for his convenience only and there will be a next time.

I'm confident that when my ex ran off, the game changer was her son. She was very close to him. Her DS had autism and when they were in the affair, Ex and OW were in their love bubble. When he moved in with her, he had to share her with her DS and DS will have come first. I'm sure that's why he asked to come back but I believe had I had him back, he would have carried on seeing her or soon moved on to another affair.

I also agree with the PP about him divorcing you. Get advice definitely and protect yourself in every possible way but in your shoes, as you are an accountant, I would let him divorce you as I doubt the outcome will be very different, especially as you have been married for so long and have kids. Maybe pay for advice for individual parts as you go along if you are not sure.

Especially when the ''new screw'' as someone called her has two difficult under 5's.

Screeching , tantrumming , bawling attention seeking kids who are hard to babysit for, so they are bound to be very messy.
Toys strewn everywhere, hell really can be OPK {Other people's kids} if he likes calm and order enough to bleat pathetically about a few disordered cupboards, he's going to soon get jaded by noisy disorder.

Yes, my ex husband's relationship was destroyed by her kids.
{Don't know if they were ND or not} I know she wanted him to help ''discipline them'' {she was a teacher, as was he} but he felt it wasn't his place to.

They suddenly had this new man move in, and must have hated it.