Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

@Pleasenotme

Other lovely posters have made points I was thinking about, so I'll just add this:

Upthread you referred to yourself as 'blind' and 'a fool' when it came to his lies and double life. You trusted him and he took care to see that he didn't 'disturb' that trust. That doesn't make you blind or a fool. That makes you a normal person with a loving heart. After all who doesn't trust their spouse, especially after decades together? It does make him a deceptive, selfish, and cruel person. Maybe he didn't start out that way, but that's the way he is now. Why doesn't matter, it is what it is. So don't denigrate yourself for believing what he deliberately 'presented' to you as 'true'. Any of us would have done the same.

As far as telling OW's husband, IMHO you aren't in the emotional place to take that on right now. You have enough emotion to deal with from your own pain, you don't need any added emotion due to the result of telling her husband. I certainly believe in telling the innocent spouse, but not if it comes with an additional emotional cost to you. You aren't the saviour of the world, it's not up to you to right everyone's wrongs. Maybe the time will come when it is right for you to tell him, maybe it won't. But I think that if that time does come, you will know it and you'll also know the right way to do it.

As far as letting him file for divorce, my DS's legal team told him that filing allows him to 'control the timeline and the narrative'. They also told him that whoever files has nothing to do with who ends up paying whose legal fees. Either party can petition the court for the other party to pay their fees. But we aren't in the UK and he wants the divorce so YMMV.

I know you don't see it or feel it, but I think others here would join me in saying that you are making 'progress'. It may be in sudden 'sparks' that fade or a teeny, tiny step, but it is there.

I'm not going to say 'it will get easier' because although that's true there's no timetable for it. I'll just say you WILL get there. Just put yourself first, and as a PP said, start creating your own memories and your own path.

She is not ready for this kind of "advice". She is still in shock and suicidal ideation.

This made me sort of smile as one of the criticisms in his book of complaints about me was the fact that several of our cupboards are dumping grounds. They are, and that's because I start to clear things out then spend so much time looking at the things I am pulling out, and reminiscing about their associations and memories that I can't bring myself to chuck or cull stuff and end up putting most of it back in. My brother is the same. I think we got it from our DM so I blame it on a genetic flaw! This is in stark contrast how organised I generally am on a day to day basis with work and family admin and our house is usually pretty tidy so I was amazed when he focused on this. But it's a good idea to get stuck in but I definitely have zero energy or interest in doing so at the moment. I hope I find it somewhere.

OP I've worked with quite a few men like your DH and honestly the first 12-18 months they would swan about like the cat that had the cream.....then reality would hit (usually a few months after divorce where they didn't realise just how much their ex wives would be awarded) and the dredge of dealing with young children plus no swanning off on their golf trips hit. They wouldn't want to leave their newish set up and would usually look pretty knackered and down trodden.

One ex colleague of mine actually got annoyed that his ex wife carried on with travelling plans and moaned to me that he was supposed to be doing that.....which I happily pointed out to him but you left her so why are you now complaining??!!! He sulked a considerable length of time!

What I'm saying is whilst it doesn't feel like it in this raw stage you will be stronger, happier and enjoying life. Trips with your adult DCs, friends and finding happiness for you. Stay strong (and find paperwork and get copies!!!)

Random things that have come into my mind the last 24 hours:

It's not your fault

He may make you feel as if you are the biggest bitch in the world - you're not

His behaviour now doesn't mean that he was always this person - people change

You will suddenly recall an occasion and you will query it in your mind - where was he? What was he doing?

He turns you into a liar as well as himself as you can't always tell people

He will be telling people that you split up amicably

His children may regain a better relationship with him eventually and this especially happens with daughters

I personally don't think this is the time for therapy as it is too soon BUT I highly recommend the runaway husband's book

Eventually you will talk to other people about this and you will find out just how common this is

You may find yourself sitting looking at a calendar and trying to work out where this all fitted into your marriage

He will feel very hard done by

It's all about his " happiness"

Freeze your joint savings

Tidy out cupboards and put his stuff in bags

An AD will give you some focus and give you a little release

You will wish that a lorry will just kill you

Eventually you will be able to talk with your children about past times including him

Find some long series on Netflix and religiously watch it to distract yourself

Read about the divorce process and get familiar with it

People will come through for you and support you

When I remarried I had those people there - the ones who had offered me money in case I needed it, the ones who just listened , the ones who accompanied me to hospital procedures, the brother who was always on the end of Messenger either help about pipes, sinks and plugs 😂.

I hope even one of these helps you .

I am indeed. I realise looking at my most recent posts that I must seem sort of normal. i'm not, it's all an act, I'm so fucking broken.

You aren't broken but you feel it right now. I promise you you won't feel this way forever. You are probably never going to be truly happy that this has happened but you will survive this, you will come out of this strong and you will make a new and happy life. Trust me. I know.

Hey, glad you've spoken to your GP, although I am surprised that they prescribed antidepressants so soon as I would suggest that currently you are experiencing a normal reaction to an awful life event, rather than depression. That's not to say you might not need them in the future and it's good to remain mindful and not let your mood dip too far (I know you feel rock bottom right now, but that is understandable given the circumstances).

With regard to side effects should you take them, remember they have to list all that have been experienced, that doesn't mean you will get them all or any, everyone is different and can tolerate things at different levels.

Like most anti depressants Sertraline can make you feel worse before you start to feel better and take around 4-6 weeks to feel a real difference. I presume he's prescribed 50mg, with your GPs support you would want to increase this to 100mg after 10-14 days depending on side effects experienced, and if tolerated likely increase again to 150mg after another 2 weeks. You can go up to 200mg should you need to.

I fully believe that there's a place for anti-depressant medication, and I don't want to make you feel worse, but no medication is going to change this major life event or help with the shock. I would be more inclined to request something to help you sleep at this stage (if that's a problem).
I would also think a couple of weeks signed off work would be beneficial to give you the time and space to process what has happened and to start getting things in order.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, and it won't feel like it now but I do believe you will come through this. You sound like you have been a loving supportive parent to your children, let them look after you for a little bit.
Sending much love and good wishes, you've got this xx

It is awful this has happened to you. I know it doesn't seem like it now but you will get through this, with the support of your lovely children and family.

I know the future must seem so daunting. Just take each day one at a time, you will get there eventually and come out the other side.

I'm glad you have a supportive boss, and think about taking some time out from work whilst you come to terms with what's happened and get back to yourself.

Sending you nice thoughts

My partner (it was 7 years so nothing to yours) had an affair with an ex. I found out, he said it was nothing and begged me to try again, so I tried to carry on with him. He still carried on with her. Her husband found out and told me straight away and I’m SO glad he did. My GOD it was painful but every day of healing from then I was grateful I hadn’t been able to give him another day of me.

@Pleasenotme what a petty thing to complain about by your H! Don’t take it to heart .., I tidy my cupboards but then it only lasts a few weeks lol!

It was just a thought but for now rest up and try and eat .., even it’s a little have fruit, nuts , seeds anything you can have is a bonus. I know eating is the last thing you want to do but your body needs it to function. Herbal tea like camomile or the night time tea blends with lavender are comforting. You sound like such a lovely lady, I wish I could give you a hug 💐 My exH cheated but he was so abusive that it was a relief! I never had that heart break but I had alot of other struggles … have a lot of empathy with you and other posters sharing their experiences.

I think I would ask for marijuana instead of the Sertraline.

I know you are, love.

Gosh he must be desperate to use the state of the cupboards as one of the reasons to leave you for the OW!

He has a bad case of cognitive dissonance, where he has the self image he is a good person (and from your own accounts he was a great husband) but knows in his heart that he is doing something very shitty to you and you don’t deserve it. He can’t stand that concept of himself and has to write the long book as a way to maintain in his mind he is still a good man. He has thrown you under a bus, not just as a wife but morally as well.

BTW reading your posts, you are actually doing very well for someone this early out of the shock. You articulate your thoughts and feelings superbly. That’s all that matters and that skill will slowly guide you through.

Please don't give medical advice. You are not her doctor.

This is so true.

I know one guy, about the same age as your husband, and he ended up with a 27 year old. He was minted and not bad looking, looked after himself and had the flash car etc.

Well you would have thought he had won the lottery, and to many men he had. Didnt see much of him after that as he was a regular in my pub at the time and they went "upmarket".

Then I saw him a few years later, I was picking up my DD from primary and so was he. He looked broken. Over 60 with a reception aged child, had put on weight, was very grey and looked OLD. He looked like her grandfather.

Just caught up with this, OP, you sound so lovely, warm, articulate, thoughtful, kind and reflective even in the midst of such a deeply shocking event. We are all rooting for you on here.

I have to agree with this. No-one should be dishing out medical advice to the OP! @Pleasenotme See your GP, don't take medical advice off posters on here.

Dear Poster, is not still very clear that he left for his sister's home in order to live with the OW. She is still very much married with young kids

OP you will be in a dark depressed place right now.
Hard to fathom.and so very hurt.
Can't see a future, confused, worthless and so lonely.
BUT 👂
I gotta tell you girl.
You have won the lottery by this man leaving.
One day you will see this just not now.
The freedom the space the amazing future where you enjoy and value everyday.

This is a short term pain for the best future you could ever have.

You will look at this pathetic man in the future and wonder why the fuck you wasted your tears.

Like wtf did i do that!!!!

She is not out of shock. She is trying to show a brave face but she is deep in her grief and shock.

You've heard the saying "Fake it til you make it"? That's what you'll do until you don't need to fake it because you've made it (to peace and your new normal).

So just keep doing what you're doing. You'll get there.

Op I'm sorry you're going through this, you're doing better than you think you are.

I laughed out loud reading your comment he said about not clearing cupboards out to his satisfaction. That really is scraping the barrel...

Ugh it's so clichéd. My ex was exactly the same, down to suddenly sounding like the OW in his pathetic messages.

I'm not going to tell you to woman up etc because when it happened to me I was physically ill. You'll crack on when you're ready. For now just take it dsy by day.

I didn't get on with sertraline but it's impossible to know how you'll react. I had stuff to help with anxiety and sleep which saved my life probably.

Reach out to anyone who yiu feel safe talking to.

Don't feel bad for being frank with your kids, they're adults, they can take it. Of course you don't want them to not love him anymore but they are entitled to recognise the incredibly shit thing he's done and feel angry with him. They probably feel betrayed too.

I felt how you're feeling and I didn't believe it when people said I'd be OK. I am though and you will be too.

PM me if you wish to.

Take care.

@NonsuchCastle you are clearly trying to protect op and have her best interests at heart but I feel almost everyone else on the thread does too so there isn’t a need to police the responses, there is wisdom in all of them that op can take or leave.

I have friends on setraline they get on ok with it