Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

Please be careful of the people who tell stories of a happy end, in other words wait, don’t tell other family’s H, check to see if they have been on mumsnet before.

Also I will say this. Time does heal. It is a huge cliche. You are clearly a brilliant woman with an excellent career, please do not resign, take the time you need off work, but also work can be a huge distraction and may help if you are able.

I know I would have taken my ex back for years, but now I look back and I think fuck me he did me a favour. For a start he never put the lights on. We used to exist in the fucking dark!! Every time I take the kids to his, I say I hope you have your torches packed.

You have an opportunity to now do all the things he maybe said no too! Go on an amazing holiday, buy the fucking shoes, eat the bloody cake, drink the wine. Fuck it, he has gone - get your house in order and please live forward not back.

Hi OP. I'm so sorry and really feel for you but can see strength in your posts that maybe you can't see yet. But you will. Re sertraline, I take the lowest dose of 50 mg for anxiety (not depression) and intrusive thoughts and they have been fantastic. I was advised to take 25mg to begin with and after a few days, 50mg. I took them at night so I didn't feel the side effects which were a headache and nausea. I felt like I had been at sea and just got off the boat for about 10 days. I resisted them for a long time as I was worried about being on them but it was the right decision for me. Whatever you decide, I wish you all strength and inner peace.

That’s right op! You had his youth and got your wonderful children; she gets to empty the bed pans and in the interim they endure the feral kids - who no longer even have a babysitter! 😱😱😱

@Pleasenotme you asked about sertraline. My teen daughter has this for severe anxiety, started on 25mgs for a week, then 50mgs. She's now on 100mg and it's working well for her. She did have initial side effects, but only for 2-3 weeks.
She was in a bad way before, had suicidal ideation, eating disorder, regular panic attacks. Now she is a lot calmer and ready to start CBT therapy; it would have been pointless earlier. Sertraline is the go-to AD these days as it seems to be tolerated a lot better than older medications.

Did your GP signpost you to NHS talking therapies? You can find the link on www.nhs.uk and it may be something to consider.

Thankyou

Probably depends on the individual and the situation. I'm sure they help many people; may not always be the right choice.

orangeredclouds

I hope ou find a way back to yourself.

Sending love and strength O.P.

I have had positive experiences only on sertraline. No side effects whatsoever and I do know quite a few females on it who also have never had any side effects.

Apologies if someone has already suggested these, but I recommend an old but brilliant MN thread called “Midlife Crisis: This is the Script” because then you will know exactly how this plays out. Also, it’s very funny. For moral support, try chumplady.com, a website for survivors of cheating partners. It’s quite cynical but also insightful. You might also find Runaway Husbands by Vikki Stark helpful. After more than a year, I’m still stuck in my own version of this play, unsure whether I want a divorce or not. But at least now I feel relatively confident that the outcome will be fine either way and I know I have the strength to walk away if that’s what I want. Wishing you all the best.

Thankyou

I'm sorry you are going through this... it is very hard. Mine has been much shorter relationship but since he left for OW and drugs drama is endless. Wish I have cut off immediately, it would have saved me a lot of stress.

Here is amazing post that helped me through out this mess. Read it and at the end you will see there is a follow on thread. It has been a godsend reading through that, it may help you too. There is also a post on the script.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

I need some advice. Im currently in middle of divorce. He is a alcoholic in denial with severe mh problems. He hasnt worked since i left and is now receiving pip. Ignoring all solicitors letters, refusing to leave family home despite me moving to a rental. No money towards kids.
Has anyone been in a similar position that has been to court? What was outcome? Any help much appreciated. All i seem to be doing is getting myself deeper into debt.

You need to start your own thread.
That sounds like a very difficult situation for you.

You'll get plenty of support and advice, but you need your own thread.

Do you know how to start one?

Agree.
Until OP is ready to decide she is done, rather than feeling pushed that way by MN, it is best kept close to her chest. If she still thinks she wants to work things out, whether anyone here agrees with that decision or not, telling others about it is not helpful. If you badmouth him all over the place, however tempting it is, those people will never be there for you if he does want to start again and OP still wants that.

Completely agree with this.

I’m truly sorry you are going through this. You sound a lovely person who does not deserve this.

My ex-H dumped me for OW. One evening as we discussed continuing trying for a baby, he casually said he couldn’t commit to that because he’d met someone else. I was mid 30s and we’d been married 14 years. He was very cold. Hadnt been happy for years which was news to me. It was like a bad sci-fi film, someone else had taken over his body that I didnt know, it looked like him but it didn’t sound like him anymore. I grieved for that person. We were due to move out of our rented flat to a friends house. I moved out as agreed. I didn’t want to let my friend down. He moved OW into the old flat 6 weeks later.

I remember one day feeling desperately low and driving back from GP surgery with some anti depressants and I saw him and OW walking down the road hand in hand, it was a really low point.

What you are going through is a grief. Just focus on each day as it comes and putting one foot in front of the other. I found I just concentrated on getting through each day, sometimes it would be a bad day sometimes ok and then one day I realised I had more good days than bad.

Lean on your friends for support. Definitely don’t give up your job. I found it so stabilising having my job as it was the one thing in my life that hadn’t changed. It gave me security.

Ex-h and OW didn’t last needless to say. I met someone else and had a baby and whilst our relationship hasn’t always been easy, my life is so much better now. I look back and think I’m glad Ex-h ended the marriage.

I survived it and you will too. Do things that make you feel good. Take care of and be kind to yourself.

Perhaps get some counselling I found that really helpful. I also read lots of books Paul McKenna how to amend a broken heart was good and more recently Rosie Green has written about her marriage break up experiences.

Continue to post on here for support.

What a bastard he is.

And to refuse to tell you the truth - you don't want this "man" back.

Would you be able to tell a friend and have her go to a solicitor with you? You need to separate head and heart here and find out your rights. There are probably pensions or maybe investments that need to be considered.

If the house is paid for, it isn't a marital debt, and one of you might be able to buy the other out.

Hi, OP,
I think that it was me who said, "even if this were true, although I doubt it". I was responding to your assertion that he had aged well and that you hadn't and had quoted the sentence that you wrote. I was trying to say that I didn't necessarily believe your view, not the thread or situation. So if it was me, then I sincerely apologise for any confusion and unintended hurt caused. I should have been clearer. I know how awful it is when you post from your heart and someone accuses you of making it up, having been on the receiving end before.

@Pleasenotme

You're not a fool.

You're the victim of a liar. He's the fool here.

I suspect you're a lot braver than you feel you are right now.

Whether you are a man

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/sahp/5168073-stay-at-home-dads-few-and-far-between

or a woman

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/infertility/4841511-second-round-of-ivf-looking-good

you have an unusual perspective.

@Pleasenotme you have been given some great advice on here.
One thing I would say is that keeping busy does help you get through the days. For me, I always empty cupboards, have a good clear out or do a big job in the house or my gardening. It really helps me keep my mind off things if I can focus on something. I know I might sound like a house wife of the 1940s but I’m in a similar profession to yourself. It doesn’t have to be a task in the house, it could be a hobby you have like reading, walking ..: Just anything! It will help you function. Take care of yourself and I am very sorry this has happened to you.

OP, sending you a hug. You sound incredible: smart, strong, articulate, empathetic, humane, emotionally mature.

As someone with experience of relationship breakdown, I urge you to take some sick leave from work because you are understandably and inevitably mentally unwell. You’ve had a terrible shock and your whole world has fallen in. It’s like a sudden bereavement. A once in a lifetime (unless v unlucky) event. Your employer is clearly suggesting you take some time. You don’t sound in a fit state to work and it could lead to mistakes or you becoming more unwell from the pressure. When you return, take a reasonable adjustment as your employer’s suggested: WFH part-time.

For now, you need to rest. Stay in bed, cry all day if you need to, drink plenty of water, eat healthy snacks like nuts, dried fruit etc when you can. Listen to the radio if you can’t sleep. Try to make yourself go for a walk every day, with someone to keep you company.

As PPs have appeared to have said (I’ve only read your posts), you’ve had his best years. No one can take that away. You’ve done nothing wrong, OK? If he had the problems with you or your relationship he now claims to have had, he should have had the maturity to talk to you about it.

You must remain dignified and aloof. Watch a few Ingrid Bergman films and channel her. Don’t think about your DH, stalk him online or try to contact him. Don’t think about the OW. And don’t even consider telling her DH. You are above all of that. Dignified Ingrid. And don’t talk to your kids when feeling v emotional. You still have to stay strong for them. Talk to friends you can really trust. Preferably old friends who predate DH. Book some therapy. Or talk to us. Though don’t be too revealing if OW’s on here.

I know you may not believe this right now. But this is the beginning of an amazing new chapter for you, whatever happens. It’s where you show him what he’s walked away from. You’ve got this.

I've taken sertraline for years, and had no negative.side effects. It kicked in quickly, and helped me stay level.

Thank you @Scentedjasmin , I'm sorry if I misinterpreted your comments and I'm so grateful for your support