Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP but you really, really don't want this prick back. When my exh left me my immediate response was similar to yours but shortly after I became angry, although never in his presence. I was calm with him in order to get the best possible divorce (and yes he bloody well paid). He left me for another man after 30 years of marriage, the last six years of which he had spent in a secret relationship. It's hell at first but you are strong even if you don't feel it just now. You do not need this man who is rewriting your history but you know the truth and you have your family's support. The other woman's husband deserves to know about his wife's relationship with your husband.

But my ex has ended up living alone, embittered and miserable. Three of the four children have nothing to do with him.

Whereas I found another husband (after three years) and have been very happy since then.

😂

He’s not that interesting going for a woman 20 years younger. Can’t think of a more boring cliche.

When your sobbing...think about his future... screaming children, school runs, centre parks, miserable holidays, reduced finances, and probably no more hot affair sex...and he may well be attractive and interesting until he is worn down by step parenting two obnoxious children and ageing and the bitterness you see on the face of someone who knows they royally fucked up...
You on the other hand have the potential to shine. It will not be easy but you will have a lovely adult home where you family will still gather and eat and drink and laugh...you will be one person down ..just one...and your children will get partners and there may be grandchildren to fill you house with laughter and joy . Christmas, Easter, birthdays...you can have that warm wonderful big family you talked about ..it's about the people not the place...one day you won't even notice you are one person down as other better people will have filled the gap
He meanwhile will not have that ...

That's a really interesting point about ADs. I'd never considered they may disrupt a normal and necessry process.

PS Re the sertraline
I am currently taking this after finding Citalopram no longer helped me. Sertraline has improved my moods without any negative symptoms. Give it a try to help you over this hump until your life settles down again.
I moved into a smaller home as a result of the divorce and made it my own so that there were no reminders of my ex in it.
Finally please consider therapy. I had six months which helped put things into perspective and lessen the pain.

Not necessarily true either. 🤷‍♀️

I took sertraline. Used it for PND and for marriage breakdown. I did hold off for about 6 months but in the end, I needed a low dose to help me through. No side effects - remember the leaflet has to present the worst case.

I disagree. The pain is so high that, although the betrayal is a process we need to go through, it is also very much grief driven. I found ADs helped in that respect and the OP should use whatever she can to get through the next stages. Drink is not the answer but if her GP has suggested Sertraline and, importantly, she is feeling suicidal and unable to cope with everyday tasks, then a course of ADs may well help her cope better.

I think we all need to find our own way through grief. My DH died last year, and I decided I didn't want anti-D's or counselling, even though grief left me on my knees. My hair fell out, and I dropped 3 stone in weight.😳

I know bereavement is different to divorce - but grief of a lost future is the same thing, whatever.

OP will find her own way.

It's hard OP but one of the best things you can do at this point is to show him the consequences of his actions and make things very real. Tell friends and family what he's done, bag up his stuff and tell him he needs to get his crap out of the house asap, and also tell him he needs to sort out a divorce - you are simply too busy and as it's him who wants one, then that's his responsibility.

Even if your heart is screaming no to all the above, just pretend it's what you want. At the moment, he's thinking he can force the OW's hand (no doubt) into leaving her husband - 'look, I'm free and single, come and join me' - and if that doesn't work out, he can skip home to you. Bugger that - he needs to think you won't be waiting for him, have moved on & will be fine without him.

When my DH did this (yes, another one!), he said that suddenly realising he'd burned his bridges with me and that I was no longer an option was what made him come to his senses and realise he'd been a massive fool. We had a complete re-set of our marriage (he'd been very selfish and entitled) and it's 10 x better than it was.

I know two cases where the young adult children told the spouse of the OW/OM.
To start with it didn’t got well, but within a few months they mellowed.

When you cheat one of the risks is that the betrayed partner is going to up-end your life as you’ve done to theirs. Every cheater knows that and bizarrely get all huffy when it comes to standing by their actions. If it ruins her life for a while OP, so fucking what?

What is he like at housework, mental labour/planning etc OP? I ask as men in their late 30s are very different to your generations DH’s, I wonder (hope) they both have a nasty shock coming when they realise just how different their expectations are domestically….

We’re trying to make op laugh about it. And she’s the victim, not him.

sorry to the other poster I mean.

I'd agree- prescribed antidepressants are going to be much safer than drink.
And may see OP through this painful shock period.

No drug {apart from strong opiates} kills feelings - Sybille Bedford's mother became a morphine addict in the south of France when she was beside herself with grief after a betrayal and went to the local doctor

'Mon mari me trompe'

He gave her a subcutaneous injection of morphine and she said the pain of the emotion wash away.

Suffice to say she became addicted.

{Morphine was prescribable them much more easily in France}

Antidepressants are safer.

And I will take the mickey as someone who had a relationship with a predatory older man who preyed on me.

With the Sertraline, I took it and I got basically every side effect you can get, it was horrendous. BUT it was only horrendous for a couple of weeks then they helped massively, whereas with Citalopram I got far fewer side effects but it also didn't do anything else. If I were you I'd take the doctor up on the fit note because if you do get some of the side effects you might need time off just to power through them. I definitely couldn't have worked when I was in the depths of it, but felt much smoother once I came out of the first couple of weeks.

My oh had meal out with other women and I think other things but I never nailed this down with him.
I know he was in areas on two other occasions that I know of that weren't where he said he was.
I had lost weight and was feeling very pleased with myself but had some more to go but looked better.
We had our wedding anniversary and we went out for a nice meal. Got a nice card thanking me for all I do for him.
Four days later he was working and I was working and even though my job is extremely busy for some reason that day I checked his location at lunchtime.
He was at a nice restaurant him and I had gone to and I liked which he knew.
He had put in his calendar a couple more meetings with clients so it looked like he was still working.
When he arrived home in his work clothes I confronted him and after 30 years together he didn't want to be with me. For one week this decision was same in his part. It was horrendous as I couldn't understand it as we were best friends. He was cold and clinical and matter of fact. I was in shock and could not work that week.
My parents lent me money so it looked like I had worked. He cancelled my life insurance and investigated about selling my car that we had bought seven months before. He said we could use one car and aim to pay all our debts off and once that was done go our separate ways.
I contacted lady on phone married with kids who denied affair said they were just friends but was very matter of fact in telling me there must be something wrong with my marriage. I said he was fine but since meal with you he does not want to be with me anymore. My oh rang me when I was on way to her home and expressed more concern about upsetting their family rather than how I was feeling. He told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore, he had a roving eye and was kinky and wanted out.
I was davastated. It was someone I didnt know anymore. I felt depressed and very very low. One week later he said he had made a mistake and we are still together five years later and happy. We have talked about it and he has apologised but there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about it. It broke me and eroded my self esteem and I am not the same person anymore. On the surface I am happy but inside I am still heartbroken as he was my special go to person, best friend and it was me and him against the world. I have always put him first but I'm sad inside. We have a lovely relationship now as we did before that week but I never totally trust him and deep down I am alway emotionally preparing myself incase I am given a shock like that again. The lady in question is still in his life but he has slagged her off to me but always very friendly to her when we all together. I have never said anything to her since as too scared to open a can of worms up. I just don't understand why she doesn't have the respect to just not be around him after what I asked her all those years ago. She is hard I think and very confident of herself to be like this. She doesn't owe me anything but I am a good person and didn't deserve this. She is married happy apparently.
If he did anything same again it would be over as I know 100percent I could not cope.

I know the thought of losing your home is a terrible wrench but I honestly suspect it would be a good idea to make a fresh start and stop wishing for your life back. If he were to go and you were to remain in your house, it would never feel right and you might pine more for him than if you were somewhere new.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever had was 'Life isn't fair', which sounds harsh but honestly it helped me through a difficult patch in life and was quite liberating, and I think it might help you. You are consumed, understandably, by the idea that the other woman is younger and prettier, that you love him but he's done this to you etc and wishing it was otherwise. Understanding that life isn't fair helped me let go of just wishing things could be better, that something would go right, and moving forward instead. When another frustration crashed over us and I'd accepted that, I was able to take it and go with the flow.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I totally see how devastating it is for you now but you can move beyond this and life can and will be good again. As others have said, very likely better for you than him.

He isn't interesting or attractive if he behaves like an absolute twat. He's a self centered, egotistical looser who has caused chaos and havoc. You have had a terrible shock and everything you think and feel is perfectly normal and perfectly valid. I am very sorry that this has happened to you and as difficult as it may be to comprehend things will get better because this too shall pass.

@FUBAR77 , I wish I could say that he is useless, but he's not. He has always done at least 50/50 and probably more when I've been bogged down with work. He was brilliant with the DC when they were little too. I've done the finances but that's because he was happy to let me do so owing to my professional background. His own father was a lazy, vile man in every respect who did nothing in the house at all, and he never wanted to be like that. He has been an absolutely fantastic husband and partner - he may have rewritten the past, but I refuse to, and he couldn't have done more to support me both professionally and in the home. I think this is why this is such an utterly profound shock.

@orangeredclouds I was so sad to read your post. I really hope one day you can find the strength to leave as you are living a lie and half a life. Him criticising the woman he had a thing with to you is not a good thing.

Look at it like this, when she is mid 50’s and still full of many of the joys of spring he will be a grumpy 70 something with a shrivelled cock and enlarged prostate slouched on the sofa watching golf.

You’re probably very lucky, you just can’t quite see it yet.

I have not read everything that may have come in since yesterday but sometimes they do come back and you are able to build an even stronger bond. For now you need to spend time looking after yourself and healing. What ever happens if you do need to let go of this bond it will take time. Be kind to yourself and remember you are not to blame and you are as magnificent if not more so than before all this happened and you will get through. X