Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

Basically he is around 60, right? OMG

I know that to many of you i must sound pathetic and should woman-up. I'm really sorry, I'm just in such a dark place.

You don’t sound pathetic at all. He’s done a terrible thing and your whole world has been torn apart. It sounds like you are still at the denial stage to some extent. Working through the anger and grief will be a long process.

God i'm so sorry OP.

Take it one hour at a time.

Post here in the night if you can't sleep. There are always folks here

Please no more begging xxxxx Hold your head up. There are people around you who love you. Your brother, your DD. Use them. Lean on them.

Have you a really good friend you can call?

Wow, imagine if they’re still together in 10 years time, she’d be late 40s with teens and he’d be 70?.? I can’t imagine she’d still be wanting him then. She may possibly not ever leave her dh. I don’t know if he’ll come back OP but if he does I honestly hope you’re at your angry stage and tell him to fuck himself.

Your utter devastation and pain has really touched me, your op and updates were heartbreaking to read.
I have nothing helpful to add, I just wanted to reach out, one stranger to another, to say you have people who care, your family, your friends, your work colleagues and all us strangers on MN.
Don't let him break you, lean on people IRL and lean on us ❤️

you don't sound pathetic at all, or selfish or anything bad. What a horrible shock for you. All the best

The irony of the OW is that her children, both under 5, are very difficult and spoilt as they are endlessly indulged with literally no boundaries laid down, and in the past my DH has commented on this. My DD has babysat for them and has a torrid time on every occasion and she is great with kids

I’d be interested to know what their grand plan is in this situation. Is she planning to move in with your DH and bring her kids? If so I can’t see it lasting very long. Or is she walking out on the kids?

Well I hope those children annoy the bejasus out of him - though I feel sorry for the rocket their mother is launching into their little lives.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Even strong professional women have their breaking point x

I am so sorry and that he's being so awful

It won't feel it now but you'll be OK x

Couldn’t not write something. I don’t normally reply to these posts as I feel I have nothing to offer. I just wanted to say op that this will be ok, whatever happens. There is a community on here who will provide support. Sending love op.

Im so sorry OP. Can’t add to the wise advice already given by PP but wanted to let you know that you can and you will get through this xxxx you are stronger than you know xx

I have been supporting my friend through a marriage break up, they were together for 33 years. I have known them close to 25 years. I was genuinely concerned for my friend last year, she came close to some sort of breakdown. She was also left for a younger woman. She is doing so much better now and has changed jobs and will be moving house as soon as the house is sold.she got a shit hot lawyer, also a woman and her children have been great. I have been a cheerleader. She took a fab holiday with her children who are young adults. People love you and they will support you.

Ah I was thinking about Gingerloaf too when reading this.

@Pleasenotme your pain is palpable. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. However, don't believe a word of what your husband is telling you. He has to blame you because he can't be the villain in his own story.

You will get fantastic advice from the amazing women of Mumsnet. Read it back when you are feeling stronger although you're already a massive step ahead being an accountant and knowing a family lawyer.

Take care of yourself. If you can't eat make sure you are drinking water and keep up your self-care. Shower, skincare, hair washed at a minimum.

Sending you a shitload of love and strength ❤️

Just want to second this great post. Thinking very much of you OP.

I am so sorry that you are feeling so low but trust me you are not alone, there are plenty of other women who have been through this.

And you are not pathetic at all, my DH leaving me is my worst nightmare.

Looks mean nothing when a person has a cold, ugly, cruel heart.

Please don't even think about resigning - you will need your career going forward.

I think it's even more disgusting that his floozy knows you and has socialised with you. The pair of them deserve each other.,

How could you ever think of having him back after not only his deception and cheating, but the despicably cruel way he delivered the 'news'. Unforgiveable.

Oh OP I really feel for you but you need to read chump lady and understand he is going through 'the script' (look this up on mumsnet!) which is the classic behaviour of a cheater. They all do it.

Here is what you do next:

1. Tell her husband preferably with evidence.he deserves to know
2. Book an sti check for you
3. Book a solicitor appointment
4. Gather financial evidence.
5. Do not on any account talk to him unless it is practical and ideally emotionless stuff. Try to converse via email only. Treat him as cooly as he is treating you. Believe me if you throw yourself at him and cry and wail, it will drive him further into her arms as it makes you look very needy. It's hard when you are sensitive but you can't run to him for comfort anymore as he was the one who threw the bomb into your life and caused this. Even if he softens and pretends to be kind, do not fall into the trap of thinking he is his 'old self'. He is still a duplicitous bastard.
6. Ask him to come and pick his stuff up and take it elsewhere or ideally get a friend or relative to do this and dump it at his sister's house
7. Book a holiday, spa treat or other thing for you to look forward to, ideally with a friend.
8. Give yourself time to cry and grieve for the relationship you thought you had. Then find your inner anger. He did not deserve an amazing woman like you. Whatever was wrong with your marriage or he was unhappy about, he could have communicated with you, tried therapy or other solutions, instead of landing his cock in another woman. Don't blame the other woman (although she is clearly a CUnext Tuesday!) because he chose to do this and it's on him. We all make choices in life and he chose to break his vows.
9. Thank your boss for being amazing as she sounds like she's really helping you. Ask if there is any financial, mental health or legal assistance available through work and utilise this.
10. Cut yourself some slack here. Your husband is in the honeymoon period with his shag partner. He will do and say anything to convince himself (and you!) that you are a terrible person and she is wonderful to ease his guilt. I bet the scales will very quickly fall from his eyes once they live together out in the open and with the whiny preschoolers so I would let that happen as quick as possible. The sneaking around and lusty hormones made it all see so fresh and wonderful. That will soon wear off when reality bites. Truth is, he has chosen a woman who will probably cheat on him as she's done it before! He isn't really a prize either! Make sure you get a decent financial settlement whilst he is still feeling guilty!
11. Work on your self esteem. You don't need this man to be wonderful you. You've got a great job and manage other people, lovely grown up kids you are going places! Remember what it was you did when you were single or your passions. Write down these and some goals you can work towards to stop you focusing on him or her and help out you on the path to rediscovery of you. This is important because at some stage he very well might come back begging "I was wrong, I'm sorry, it was just about sex but I didn't love her" yadda yadda when he realizes the grass isn't so green and loses the respect of his kids and friends. You need to be strong enough at this point to know what you want. Don't get caught in the 'pick me, pick me!' dance where he throws a few breadcrumbs your way which you lap up. This is also part of the cheaters script, they love to keep their options open. Well you aren't anyone's second best option!! Best way to show him this is to move on and treat him cooly. He will be so shocked you aren't desperate for his crumbs of attention and wondering if maybe you've found someone else!

Good luck and hope it all goes well, you are a strong woman, you deserve more than this man.

OP, you are not wrong, you are not mad. Your heart has been ripped out and you are grieving.

This will get better. Your life has so many good things in it. You are going to have a really brilliant future.

“MMUmum · Today 18:55

The horrible things he is saying to you about you and your marriage are not true, they are just him justifying why he has done this to make himself feel better, it assuages his guilt for the devastation he has caused. Never ever doubt your worth as a strong capable mum who has raised what sound like lovely children, they are your greatest achievement, just remember this when he is spitting vile spiteful lies to make himself feel better. Keep remembering you would never look twice at a man who behaves like this, so keep looking forward, straight ahead and one hour at a time, the shock will pass and your thinking will clear, stay strong🥰🥰🥰”

This with bells on. It’s pathetic that he doesn’t even have the decency to admit he’s behaved very badly. Why can’t he just own that? My dad was unfaithful to my mum but at least he had the decency to admit he had behaved very badly towards her. Unfortunately your STBXH doesn’t even have the basic courage to do that. What a coward he is. What a little man.

Oh, and my mum - divorced after 34 years of marriage - went on to have a very happy life single and then with a wonderful second husband.

His looks may not be fading (yet) but his erectile function likely is.

Devastated for you OP. You sound like a wonderful person. I'm sorry you've been treated so cruelly. Wishing you all strength for whatever is ahead 💐

You can't just stop loving him. I understand that. If you didn't love him you wouldn't be so devastated.

People, remember that this has just happened to the OP. She can only put one step in front of the other at the moment. Her feelings are all over the place. Massive hugs to you, OP.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It really is awful.

My DH left me abruptly after 13 years and it was a shock. Came out of the blue (for me) but alas of course there was another woman (which he of course denied at the time).

Be kind to yourself. Unfortunately you will have an avalanche of different emotions - give in to them, ride them out. I remember having severe panic attacks and just feeling like I couldn't "live". Reach out to trusted friends and family. See your GP.

Sadly, you may never get a full explanation or 'closure'. Don't force it. I know it is the HARDEST thing to do, but try not to contact him. Don't beg, don't cry, just don't contact him (for the time being - when the dust settles, you may be able).

Try to find something to do when you feel the panic rise. For me, I wrote. My journal was my best confidant. The next best thing was walking. Whenever I felt my emotions were going to drown me, I walked. Fresh air, hot or cold, I walked. Anything to take the focus off the grief.

It seems impossible now, but with time, you will get through this. It won't be fun and it won't be easy, but it will get easier.

Mine DID come back, his affair was very short lived, but I think thats a rarity, not the norm.

Oh God OP I feel for you, the shock of it. Honestly, I have followed many posts like yours and things are never as bad as these first few days. You will get through this.
To answer your original question, yes they sometimes do, your husband might when the novelty has worn off and the reality of 2 brattish children living with him sinks in. By that time however, you probably won't want him back.
Glad you have your brother and hopefully some good friends who can make you feel better and remind you what a wonderful person you are xx

I’m so sorry OP, I hope you and your brother have a lovely evening and that he helps take your mind off things. You’ve got this - it may not feel like it right now, but you’re about to become a lot more powerful and resilient than you ever thought you could be.