Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

Agreed.

Oh he's going to love shacking up with her & her nightmare kids... this is doomed, unless she ditches her DC along with her DH

Sometimes people need hope to get through the initial shock. And actually it isn’t entirely unheard of for them to crawl back once the flighty relationship implodes, but by then op will be in a position to reassess more objectively. I expect she’s struggling to breathe right now.

She is not ready to hear about solicitors and therapists and a new pet. She is in utter shock. She just needs kindness and understanding at the moment.

You are not alone OP & may also find insight & support on this other thread.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5136910-blindsided-by-h?page=9

He's gaslit you, the utter fuck.

He's guilty so he's trying to make you feel bad.

I'm so very sorry, OP. This is just awful for you. I'm glad your brother is there, hope he is some comfort.

You can and will get through this. Day by day.

Mumsnet ought to write a guide to divorce for members.

Don’t you dare resign. It sounds like you have a great job and supportive colleagues. You will get through this and build a new life without him. For what it’s worth my granny was left in her 50s by her husband for another (younger) woman. She lived some of her best years without him. She joined societies, made wonderful friends and in the end probably has a much nicer time without him. My dad barely spoke to his father. I think I met him once as a child. It is obviously a massive betrayal and shock but you will get through it.

She is getting my kindness and understanding. There is nothing in my post that isn't kindness and understanding. But she also needs to get some things in order, and when she's ready to do that she'll have all these great resources in this post to help her out.

'I did tell the OW’s husband as she had not left him at that stage.'
Interested to know how did that go, was it helpful to set boundaries?

I get you OP but please don’t make any rash decisions. You’re still reeling from the crap your H has landed you with.

Mine came back. Left me after 25 years of marriage. 2 dcs. Left me for someone he met when working abroad. It was devastating. We did reconcile 5 years later after he had split with her, and he said he’d made a huge mistake and wanted us to start again. I went against what everyone else thought I should do, and we started over again. That was 10 years ago and we’re still together and very happy. But you shouldn’t focus on whether he will come back, and focus on the immediate future. See a solicitor and do what’s best for you in the here and now. After 35 years, you’d think that he would treat the situation fairly, but they really don’t. They check out and can be cold and callous and you need to be strong and take control of the situation. This initial period is the worst, but things will get better OP.

This post brought tears to my eyes oP. That’s lovely he is coming - in all his hopelessness (!) - and it IS the thought that counts. He won’t want to talk much, but he loves you and is there for you.

And please don’t feel bad leaning on your dd. You need her now. It isn’t selfish. Any difficult feelings it creates for her are the fault of ( and thousands of times less than) what her father has lumped on her . You need what you need. This is your moment to be supported as your world has exploded. X

Did you read my post fully?
Because she then negated the hope by saying taking the advice caused her harm. In short its a personal issue/anecdote that confuses rather than soothes.

Read up on grief and accept that grief is going to walk you through this. If you shut the door on it, it will wait for you. Instead, make it tea, go on walks with it and accept it as your companion for now

Don’t turn this thread into a bickering one. People offer up their thoughts in good faith and the point really is anything can happen. We just cope with the moment.

I'm so sorry, OP

First thing to say, DO NOT make any career decisions such as resigning right now. A long-term partner's betrayal is similar to a bereavement and it's never a good idea to make major decisions in the midst of grief.

You're mourning the loss of the man whom you thought you knew. He hasn't been open and honest with you for a while now - if your marriage really had so many problems, why didn't he share his concerns with you, and you could've worked on them together? In reality, he's justifying his own actions as he doesn't want to admit that he's treating you badly.

Surround yourself with people who care about you and remember that your DH is no longer your friend. Don't share your thoughts with him and do speak to a solicitor as soon as you feel able to. If you need to take some time off work, do it.

Yes this. Take some sickness absence and give yourself the time to grieve.

She might not be ready, but she has to be. She has to be two steps ahead, because he’s probably been planning this for a while so has everything organised financially and practically. I get that all she wants to do is cry buckets and retreat into herself, but the reality is you have to get yourself advice to sort things out before you get screwed over. Giving someone practical advice is kindness and understanding.

I'm so sorry.

PP are right, don't make any rash decisions. You've had a terrible, awful shock.

Please go and see your GP tomorrow, perhaps get signed off for a week or so while you get your head round this.

The women here are so wise and will help.

Please don’t resign. You will feel able to go back to work at some point and you will need work to keep you occupied as well as for the money/income I guess. Having to set up two separate households will take money.

At some point the grief will be less raw and the anger will take over. Then I guess the anger isn’t raging as much and you make your new life. I know that seems unachievable and unwanted right now. But the sooner you can get angry the better I reckon. And he deserves you to be angry with him.

The good thing here is op is in a good position on both fronts .

Please please don't resign OP. You have had a horrible shock and this is not the time to be making irrevocable decisions. Take sick leave if you need to (if you are not able to work at the moment then this is justified). Take all the time you need to recover from this, get all the support that is there for you including from loved ones. You are not the one who should feel bad or guilty about this.

This is the worst it gets. It will take time but things will get better for you.

Nothing you have said sounds pathetic.

You sound human.

Im so sorry this is happening to you. I hope your children rally round you but I suspect when things don’t work out with this OW your husband will find himself very alone with no one to support him.