Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

I have quite a few single older women in my circle, mostly widowed, a few divorced late.

Not one would dream of sharing a home again.
Several of them are really happy having a "special friend" for outings, golf, tennis, dinners and weekends away, but absolutely wouldn't dream of considering the sacrifice involved with sharing their home again.
It is really lovely to see how happy and vibrant they are, really embracing these happy years after some tough ones involving bereavement and divorce.

You may be very surprised to find he has done you an enormous favour as per @kittylion2 's post.

he actually said he thought she and I would get on well

Mine used to say to me "She could be such a good friend to you if you'd let her" whilst making sure we were both doubtful, jealous and hateful of each other.

It started out as a group of like minded people that I was part of then he started making sure I wasn't a part of that group, while telling me I was a bad person for not supporting him and his group of beautiful people friends.

He took me to have a look round her house one day when he knew she wasn't at home. He took me to look in every window but when we got to the bedroom he started squealing "You can't do that!". "Why not, xxxxx?" I asked, looking at his scarlet face, knowing full well they'd fucked in there, as they had in our house.

Sadly it was a few more years before he finally left me for her. I had no choice about ending the marriage. He threatened it, I said yes, it didn't happen. Everything had to be his way.

I used to fantasise about what my life would be like without him in it. It has turned out to be way beyond my wildest dreams. There really is a good life to be had without desperate attention seekers bringing us down.

Yes I get this. He managed to ruin every occasion of any importance. The peace is lovely!

You seem to be a strong woman, just remember your worth and although it’s daunting now being on your own and betrayed like this, remember what you deserve in all this. Good luck.

@gingerloaf - Been here. I was completely blindsided but my exs extra martial activities.
He tried to say we had grown apart and weren't intimate, which I literally called him out for what it was - Total bollocks.
I remember wondering how I would cope without him but I am thriving.
Life is sooooooo much better on the other side.
I have a fab life, my children are happy and I have a lovely tidy home that is all mine.
Life is good, yours will be too 💖

Moved his stuff into the outhouse? Excellent! I hope it develops a leak! Seriously, as others have said, move quickly to protect and secure your future and your peace of mind. Once you recover from the shock, you will find your life is a lot lighter without him. Good luck - you absolutely can do this.

I'm so sorry op. It must've come as a huge shock.

Once you get passed that though, you may find it's the best thing to happen.

He’s going to prove that there really is no fool like an old fool.

This happened to me. I met the OW more than once with no idea of what was going on. On one occasion her then husband was there too!
My not-at-all-DH had the audacity to say, when I finally found out, oh I thought you'd realised.
You're well rid of him!

OP, I haven’t read all the comments but wanted to say whilst being strong is great, make sure you allow yourself to be sad or mad if you feel it. You will essentially be mourning the life you had. To thrive in your new life, you must say goodbye to the old. Don’t feel like you would be letting anybody down to not just be strong constantly.
Good luck with everything!

most likely he has a fantasy about you having a threesome

I'm sorry that you're having to go through what you're having to go through. Can I make one suggestion - that you update your will or write a will leaving your adult kids as your sole beneficiaries and to do it as soon as you possibly can?

Until such time as you are legally divorced, he is your NOK and should anything happen to you, he could still benefit from you. You really don't want that to happen here.

It should be possible to write your will, have your solicitor look over it for any sort of anomalies or inconsistencies and then get it witnessed by two people and ask your solicitor to hold a copy of it.

Keep strong. You'll get through this!

It’s not constructive, but what a cunt bag

Moving assets can be a bad move. It worked for my OH when he put all his in his father’s and eldest son’s names then pleaded poverty.
However, do take the joint account or he will. So long as you declare it to the court, it will not matter you moved it.

Are we taking bets on when he asks to come back, because the widow has no idea what it’s going to be like and might well regret it. He might also learn that the gf isn’t all she cracked up to be in the cold reality, either. Both been on best behaviour with each other so far.

There is life after divorce but it’s not always easy untangling everything after so many year. In the UK it’s a no fault divorce system. With children grown up and independent , it can be relatively cheap and quick. I’d wait a year and do the cheap quickie route if he’s amenable to a divorce and you sort out a finance agreement so you can tell a court, neither wants anything from the other except the divorce. If he isn’t wanting to divorce, you don’t need his agreement after 2 years. That’s what I had to do.

Good luck and chin up. I expect there will be times it hits you again and there’s a grieving process you might find yourself in. Love yourself and believe it gets better.

My friend is 2 years down the line, she is in her fifties and it was out of the blue. She is doing ok now and the house is up for sale. They had been together for 34 years, his kids hate him but are being civil as he is assisting supporting them through University with money. They are 100% on their Mums side as are we. He was my friend before her as we were work colleagues.

Bringing the OW to meet you is called triangulation. So would be talking about her to you even if she’s not there. They get a kick out of it.

Mine did that with several women before I managed to get away. I knew what he was doing, he just denied it. But it boosts their ego to think they are fooling you. It’s part of the Narcissist handbook, too. That’s a spectrum as we all have traits, but at the top it’s actually a personality disorder…which is where my OH was.
Can have some strong traits without being NPD , though. Why it’s a spectrum. You might find it an interesting read up. See if any of it tallies with your marriage

I'm glad you have your lovely family & friends surrounding & supporting you, OP. And MN, of course! Stay strong and think of yourself first.
Sending a hug.

I am sorry OP. I've not been divorced but I have been married for 35 years.
I'm a 'force of nature' too. My husband would be under the patio if he did this to me.
However a dear friend got divorced, sold the big house and bought the girly cottage she had aways wanted. She was not too tall for the beams and painted most of it pink. She has had various fortune hunters romance her but sadly they are too tall for her antique bed and her house! 😄
She is as happy a Larry. The ex has tried to come back multiple times.

No advice but just wanted to tell you OP that you are a strong and good woman, your husband will ask to come back at some point but don’t have him back. Life is much nicer without a man like him living with you. My very best wishes to you as you navigate your way to your new life.

I'm a year in from where you are, after 25 years if marriage. I'm in therapy at the moment and I've had amazing support from my friends and family. I would be lying if I said it's been easy, a rollercoaster is the right way to describe it I still get awful down days where I'm either sad, angry, both and struggling to understand why. I eve resented people telling me I was "strong" because I didn't want to be, I wanted to wake up from my nightmare and none of it was my choice I felt I wasn't choosing to be strong but just having to grieve for a future I wasn't going to have anymore and grievings tough. It won't always feel so bad. I think part of me is still dealing the shock as it came utterly out of the blue for me to.
But I also get better days. I was also determined I would never take him back as much as I wanted they and still do at times but thankfully these are getting less now I would never be able to trust him agsin.

Is your husband having a midlife crisis?

@Gingerloaf

Haven't rtft but just wanted to send you some love. Exactly the same thing happened to me in January. It's been awful, but I promise you it does get easier. PM me if you ever want to chat x

Who cares, frankly.

Doesn't give anyone who is a pass on treating people they professed to love and honour a pass to shit all over them.

Yes this ⬆️

This was my first thought.

Youve potentially offloaded a massive care package.

I know it’s unkind to think in that way but this is the time for focussing on the positives!

Yuck!