Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

This, OP. He is no longer the man you married or loved. He is no longer your friend. It's harsh. But it's also important to remember.

That said - I have to say it’s really quite upsetting seeing all the “Ewww he’s 60?” “He can’t possibly be good looking”, “erectile dysfunction’s on the way” etc etc. Why are we suddenly being horrible about older people in general? It’s not nice. And I say that as a 31 year old!

He's 60 now? God she'll not even last 20 years! Has he got loads of money or is she just doing this for a laugh? Now there is your pathetic excuse for a woman.

I haven't read everyone's replies. Give him the silent treatment. Shout and scream in private, sob your heart out to friends/family, vent on here or on your notes app on your phone, but don't send him anything or speak to him. Let him think you don't actually care anymore.
I bet he'll rethink things then.

I perhaps worded it wrongly. As many previous posters have said, sometimes they do come back but it can never be the same; that was my point, and arguably they should not be allowed to crawl back. I certainly don’t think my mother should have let my father return!

I absolutely didn’t intend to give the OP hope and I am sorry if it read that way. I’ll delete the post just in case, I’d hate to make an awful situation worse.

@RaspberryParade I’ve reported my post to HQ for deletion. Hopefully it won’t hang around for too long.

OMG please not me. This brings back such painful memories. 7 years ago this exact same thing happened to me.
I met someone fell in love madly and we were married for a very long time. I honestly thought this was forever. The big love.
Then he went stone cold and nasty about our relationship. Suddenly he'd "never been happy". The usual script. He did a good job of looking happy to me.
Every single man back to the neanderthals who cheats and goes off with another woman does this. They turn on you like a wild dog. We call it the script.
Why they can't just say thank you for our children and long marriage but I've met someone else and I'm sorry but they don't they put you down and tell you how rubbish you are. How dare they? The absolute cowards.
I felt suicidal and spent hours on the Internet looking at articles on how to get your husband back.
To no avail he treated me like shit.
I had to sell my beautiful house on the South Downs and move across country, new job everything. I could not stay in my home. Every corner and street held memories of our life and I needed a fresh start.
7 years later and I am surprisingly very happy. I don't know how that happened but it did. I got a new job, made friends and moved to a part of the country I'd always dreamed of living in.
He did ask me if he could come back once when he realised how much he had lost but after he drove a tank through my life I said no. I realised I didn't want him in my life any more. You don't do that to someone who loves you.
How I coped in the early days...I didn't really, I had to go onto antidepressants to numb the pain. I took time off work and kept really busy. Eventually the panic and horror wears off. Your children will help. My DS was amazing.
You can do this. Don't believe anything that comes out of his mouth right now.
What a disgusting thing for them both to do. Wreck two families.
He will regret it mark my words.

I have been where you are OP and reading your messages I truly feel every single thing you are saying. I think we have similar careers too, and I too, felt exactly the same. All of it.

It does get better. Honestly it does.

You sound like a wonderful human being and I am so so sorry this is happening to you.

It is nice to see Mumsnet at its best here and you have got some amazing support and advice above.

If you ever needed to reach out though, then I am here and would be happy to support you.

He is being incredibly unkind. Is this usual for him? is it possible that things have actually been bad for some time op?
I hope when this fog lifts you realise he is freeing you for something more.

Sorry to hear you're going through this.

I don't think you have enough evidence re the potential OW to contact her or her husband. If you get it wrong you will look bad. You need facts not circumstantial. Don't do it.

It's hard now, dreadful, awful. But your feelings will change. It will be a rollercoaster for a while but you will be happy again. You will be able to focus on work again. You will be yourself again. You may be falling hard right now, but you will rise up again.

You are not alone.

It's horrendous to feel how you do and I wish I could help you speed through the rubbish part to feeling good again.

So he is taking on 2 kids under 5 that he cant cope with when he babysits and they wont be able to go out as they will have the kids, when hes almost 70 he will have 2 teenagers!! What planet is he on, how does he know she will stay faithfull to him, he will get old...you will survive you will have freedom,..i wish you luck

Absolutely this. Please don't resign.

Don't undervalue yourself @Pleasenotme ...
My heart breaks for you, he is truly not worthy of your tears. Please look after yourself. Don't resign. Look after your own interests and those of your daughters. They love you and they need you.

I'm amazed that the OW is 39 with two small children. How does she even have the time to have 2 men in her life. And how is it all going to work? Your H finished raising his kids, now will have to help her to raise hers? He is nearly 60 surely? I'd let him get on with it so he can learn if the grass is greener and see if spending time with her and her two brats is fun. He is such a fool. The OW is disgusting, openly eyeing your husband up in front of you. Just shows how your intuition was right at the time. Some women are truly manipulative snakes. He's trading in a gem for a sneaky snake. I just hate that he had to be so nasty to you saying that he regretted marriage. He's not the man you loved.
Put yourself and your daughters first @Pleasenotme

It’s all relative hun. You’ll feel pain just as much as the next person. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

What’s happening to you is shit. We’d all of us respond the same. But just remember, as much as this could happen to any of us, it’s already happened to many…and they’ve gotten through it. And go on to be very happy.

Be kind to yourself and spoil yourself a little and forgive yourself when you respond emotionally, you’re only human. X

Hi OP just sending you a big cyber hug 🤗 you’re getting lots of mainly good advice on here, but I think some people just don’t realise the absolute gut wrenching heartache that you’re feeling, they just don’t understand how unbearably painful it is, I know, I’ve been there. You need time to grieve what has been broken.
It will get easier but it won’t be overnight, take time, be kind to yourself and accept the love that family and friends give you over the coming weeks.
You can and will survive this, don’t make any rash decisions, don’t let him talk you into rushing into things, take time, make sure everything is going in your favour in the way you want, not his.
And do get good legal advice.

Is this actually the women he is seeing? Is he really ready to take on two small children?

I'm feeling skeptical that a 39 year old would destroy her young family for a man 18 years older. There is no scenario in which that ends well for her. I'm so sorry this has happened - please recognise this as the traumatic event that it is and be kind to yourself xx

@Pleasenotme Get off your knees girl and stand tall. Speak to a solicitor and tell him fuck all. Your boosting his ego by begging. I know your heart is breaking but he's not the man you thought he was. If he has left to be with a woman with young children his future will be miserable, he just doesn't know that yet. Remember grey rock and tell him nothing and don't enter into financial agreements unless via your solicitor. Good luck xxx

OP, you love and miss the man he has been with you for over 30 years.

Sadly, that's not who he is. It has taken a long time, but he has finally revealed the real him. And the reality is that he is cold, cruel, uncaring and unfaithful and probably been that way for a long time. If he is ready to divorce than his affair has likely lasted for at least a year, if not more.

The person you love is sadly not real and never was.

OP if you are still reading this...

You don't love this man you love a person that didn't exist. Now he has shown you that he cares more about his needs than his entire family.

He said he was unhappy for a while- but rather than going to therapy and being honest with you he chose to lie to you and then dumped you without warning. This man is not a keeper. You wouldn't wish this on your daughter.

If you are an accountant focus on that. Get all the money you are entitled to. He has not treated you with any respect, so why should you respect him back. Your kids are grown up, they can handle it.

Focus on the money. Deal with the emotions later.

OP can you give him a trilogy back? What an arse...you will be ok and come through this stronger xx

One of the truest things I read when I had the sudden shock of my ex DH leaving is that it is like you are grieving. You grieve the person you thought you loved, and the life you have and thought you would have.

It’s awful when you’re in it OP. All I can say is it does get better, but it takes time.

I'm sorry but I don't understand how your mother could be happy with a man who has treated her the way your father has.