Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

He may never come back, OP, but I think it highly likely that being a step-dad to two demanding under 5s, with a resentful ex-husband thrown into the mix, is going to put paid to his new idyll.

He may begin to see things more clearly then, and regret what he has lost, but I reckon you'll be over him by then.

But hey, you're obviously lacking in confidence about your looks (thanks to him). Get it back. Work on diet, exercise, grooming, maybe some tweaks, ready for when he turns back to you.

Then you can tell him to sod off.

My overwhelming desire is to tell her I'm resigning with immediate effect as I don't think I can do any of this any more.

It's a very natural urge but DO NOT DO THAT. Commit now that if you really feel like doing that (or killing yourself, or any of the other stupid things that come to mind) you will be kind to yourself, regard it as a sign of your very understandable shock, and just breathe and sit with the feelings till they recede a bit.

If you have friends in a far off timezone, especially the US, now's a great time to reach out - messaging in the small hours with people who were having a normal evening was several times very helpful for me.

His head has been turned. You’ve done nothing wrong. He’s going through ‘the script’, pinning it on you and absolving himself of blame.

Honestly, reading this thread, some men are such pricks it really makes my blood boil 😡.
@Pleasenotme it's not you, it's him. This 'book' of faults he has given you, take it outside and BURN it, you'll begin to feel better then. He's not worthy of you and you must begin thinking like this and refuse to believe that everything is your fault - that's what HE wants you to think because it makes HIM feel better and makes life easier for HIM.

I've been though this myself in the past, so totally understand what you're going though and as other PP have said, get your ducks in a row..initially a solicitor that specialises in Family Law and financial information as much as you can.

The best of luck with this, sending hugs 💐

@Pleasenotme big hugs to you. It all seems very raw so don’t make any rash excuses. I’m sorry he has made you feel so worthless, please don’t believe him. Get yourself the best lawyer you can afford and pack his stuff up for him. Once he’s had a couple of weekend where she has the kids he’ll be regretting the choice. Plus the first time someone assumes she is his daughter will bruise his ego. Hopefully by this point, you’ll be in a stronger place.

Beauty comes from within. Do things this week which make you happy. Lovely frivolous things. And empty the joint accounts by half and move it to accounts he can’t touch. When you act out of character, it’ll become very real to him.

This isn’t about looks - it’s about him being a selfish a-hole.

My ExH ‘planned to have children with the OW’, she didn’t have kids and fully wanted children with him. Surprise surprise, turns out ExH didn’t want more children. Led her up the garden path too.

It may turn out that having little kids around after the honeymoon period ends isn’t what he wants.

I truly hope for your sake that you remain strong at that point.

Sadly, his looks aren't fading

You wait until he gets to his mid-late 60s. She'll still be in her 40s and realise that she's with an old man. It's not likely to end well for him, but he's made his bed. You focus on you.

I'm glad you have a lovely brother.

My DH ages far better than I do. I constantly notice other women taking an interest, and if his father is anything to go by, he'll still be attractive to a wide range of people in his old age. It's always a choice to stay faithful though - we all have opportunity, women probably more than men, and he's the one who has done the wrong thing. It's like the lyrics in Jolene, where she pleads to the pretty woman not to take her man - well how about your man doesn't act like a total wanker!

I’m sorry you are going through this OP.
Get your doctor to prescribe you some medication and a sick note , you are not well
Handing in your notice is crazy talk OP
Speak to your friend the solicitor and those close to you , you need their love and support.
Change your locks . Your Ex H is not a kind trustworthy man
Is the OW definitely the 39 year old? If so I would talk to her husband , he may already know and like you be shell shocked if he doesn’t know he needs to

What a fucking bastard he is! Ignore his books-worth critique of you. don't give it another moment's thought. Of course he is going to tell you how awful you are - he has to justify what he is doing.
Think of all the people who love you. xxxxx

Dear Pleasenotme
The reason he has catalogued all your 'crimes' in such a cruel manner is because of this
" His dad repeatedly betrayed his mum and my DH had nothing but contempt for him over that.'
He has to make you a monster to justify his repeat patterns and the crumbling of his image.
Its cruelty on cruelty so please dont now feel sorry for him, he is willing to break your spirit to protect his own image.
Im very glad your brother is coming over. Try and eat . And drink lots of water, warm bath when you feel able and most of all slow your breathing and exhale longer than inhaling, inhale more gently.

Marconi Unions track Weightless has been researched and designed to take one out of high stress - it can be very effective to have in the background when one is panicking.
Click the V in the left hand corner.
V

All the very best to you, its just awful. At some point your anger will kick in.
Welcome it when it does.

Oh OP my heart is breaking for you reading your posts, please don't be hard on yourself. It is all very raw right now, just take every day, every minute if necessary, as it comes, you don't need to think about the future right now. Just think about getting through the moments, like any grief you will go through stages, you will get stronger, but that doesn't have to be right now.

I’ve just be reading your posts @Pleasenotme . My heart is truly breaking for you. I haven’t anything much to add, other than to send you a very unmumsnetty hug. 🤗💔xxx

Look up Laura Doyle online and her podcasts

Yes, this op. I was wondering if your daughter might come and stay for a few nights?

I’m so sorry OP. 💐 I can understand the shock and yes, of course sometimes they try to come back, but only once you really won’t want it - hard as that is to imagine now.

Im pleased you are on top of finances which can be a huge scary issue if not, and do talk to your friend . Don’t be afraid to ask if she has an alternative solicitor to suggest if it isn’t her area.

The cold icyness must be heartbreaking; but that’s his guilt driving that. You’ve done nothing wrong and he knows it. This is his mess and it likely will end up messy for him. As neither of them have loyalty. Please be kind to yourself - and above all trust that people can and do heal. Sending hugs. X

My overwhelming desire is to tell her I'm resigning with immediate effect as I don't think I can do any of this any more.
No, don’t do this. You are a capable woman holding a good post, this will all past. Show him you are self-sufficient that you are capable of looking after yourself.

Maybe you should pack his stuff in binbags ready by the door for him to take.

I couldn't read and run OP. Your post is heartbreaking and I can feel it in every post. So sorry this is happening and I am sending you a big hug from afar. Xx😘

Oh my.a man hurtling towards his 60s moving in with two toddlers who sound very high maintenance. It doesn't matter how fit and well he has kept himself none of us can hold back completely the loss of energy and patience that comes with age, especially in our sixties.
It might be all exciting just seeing her at these secret trysts but when he is sat in her house with two screaming toddlers running around him as part of the package then not so much.
I reckon he'll be back but please tell him to feck off.

@LMBoston Why are you giving her 'hope' on the one hand, youre mothers decision one that was common 60 years ago when women were supposed to turn the other cheek and doormat their own feelings and pride, and on the other, admit the same advice was to your own detriment?
The poor woman is in a state of shock and confused enough already.

He sounds a wonderful brother.

Siblings can be a great support when things get tough like this.

You must feel as if you gave been punched in the guts- and had the rug completely pulled out from under you.

Your husband sounds cruel, telling you that you have no self respect.. Well you have HONOUR, more than he has.

Don't give up your work!

No

No

No No No No No No No

Do not resign

Take some sick leave or unpaid leave but DO NOT RESIGN

Sending you a hug, this must be a horrible time. As others have said, as hard as it may be, you need to get out if the mind set of hoping he will come back. He is no good, and it won’t feel like it now but you are better off without him. Stonewall him from now on, as much as it may be killing you inside don’t let him have the satisfaction of knowing that. Cool, calm and collected. This may be a silly thing to say but take a leaf out of Ruth Langsfords book. In my opinion she is handling the antics of that sad old mess Eamonn with dignity, she looks happy, ignoring him and the drama like he doesn’t exist or matter. I‘m sure sometimes on the inside she is hurt and upset, but she is coming off looking like the stronger and bigger person and he looks an idiot. You can do it, fake it til you make it, and gradually day by day it will get better, until one day you wake up and realise you dint need him and can be just as happy, probably even happier without.

A man who was not after another woman would stay home and just life a simple quiet life. Be strong though.