What makes people have affairs?

[Janellemoaner]

I am married, and have had several affairs. I’m pretty sure my DH is the same. Neither of us have ever spoken about it to the other. I read recently that 20% of married people have been unfaithful. I know of many others similar to me (obviously I’ve slept with several, but there are others from work who I know are carrying on with others).

Some people are viscerally angry when people mention affairs. The vitriol on here is a sight to behold, for example. But I wonder what drives others to have affairs. For me, at the basic level I like sex and it’s more fun with someone new-ish, exciting and without the baggage that comes with a proper relationship. Is it like that for everyone? Maybe part of it’s a power thing as well, reassurance that I can still do it.

I also wonder why the level of hatred at affairs is so high when far more people do it than perhaps you might think. Is it any worse than being perpetually rude or nasty to a partner, or having a drink problem?

FWIW my DH and I get along great. Neither of us ask nor tell about affairs. I think it helps an imperfect marriage rather than hinders it. Would I prefer us to be able to have a wonderfully happy life of fidelity? Of course. But since we can’t, is what we do really so terrible?

Exactly, all these posters making themselves sound dandelions thrown about by the wind of fate. Er, no, you make choices. I’ve been in rocky relationships and had married men try it on, almost like they bloody smell the blood like a shark - obviously just vulnerability to their nonsense. I can’t inflict that pain on people so I make choices, talk, leave or carry on. It’s called dignity.

I think that's true for some people, too many in fact! And it's those of us who DO take our vows deadly seriously who get hurt, and any children involved get their lives turned upside down! It's sickening!

And the reason that they're worth "nothing" to so many people think that marriage is easy and then when it gets hard they just cheat.

I wouldn't have gotten married if I didn't mean the vows I said on the day. I didn't get married for the wedding, I did it for the marriage. Which is why I think having an affair is 100% a choice made by cowards who won't have honest conversations.

Just because they have been going on for so long doesn't make them right does it?

It certainly is not an "unfortunate part of life". Some people choose to cheat because they have little or no morals and no respect for their OH.

This!
My heart goes out to the OM's wife! He and the PP are abusing her and what they're doing is sickening and they should both be ashamed of themselves! Ig OM has any children with his wife, then it's even worse! OM and PP are treating those kids as if they're nothing! Horrible pair!!!

Feckin' hell, you really don't give a toss about her do you! Nor her kids! Lookit, no one can stop anyone else from committing adultery but we ALL CAN and SHOULD refuse to collude in it in any way! You are COLLUDING in abusing that poor woman and you can try and MANIPULATE US into agreeing you have no responsibility all you like, but you won't succeed! Stop making excuses for your despicable behaviour! Ugh!

When you both have a discreet unspoken arrangement and your family life appears to work, I certainly do not see anything wrong with it.

But yours is not the norm.
One sided infidelity can be deeply selfish and hurtful.

I'm not trying to MANIPULATE anyone. OP started a thread and I answered based on my experience. I'm not looking for validation or for people to agree with me.

Then stop trying to justify yourself. Because that's what is making other posters angry with your posts. And that's what looks like you're trying to get us to validate your choices.

The facts are you are treating another woman appallingly, and you don't give a stuff.

I'm not trying to justify myself. I've already said having an affair isn't a moral or sensible decision. All I said was there are multiple reasons someone might find themselves embarking on an affair. It doesn't excuse it, but it doesn't make them bad people either.

Totally agree. We all know cheating is bad but people do it and it's not always clear cut like some make out.

I agree they’re not right. But people do bad things and make mistakes…that doesn’t necessarily mean they are bad people. Haven’t you made some mistakes or done some bad or morally questionable things in your life? If not, and you’re saying you are perfect, then I take my hat off to you.

imagine having an affair..you’re actually sharing someone’s cock, the cock he puts in his wife, in her mouth and lord knows where else. You kiss the mouth he’s had between her legs. At least you know what you’re getting into. His poor wife doesn’t.

sorry but I couldn’t share that with anyone. Absolutely gross!

Yes people make mistakes. We all do.
But the trick is to learn from those mistakes and to not repeat them.

The OW here is repeating her mistake over and over again.

Liars and cheats read from a script.

And yes, I'm a far better person than you if you're a cheat. You're such scum you're still trying to squirm out of your scum behaviour and gaslight and minimise your grubby treachery.

Chump Lady for the win again. Every snivelling, vapid don't judge meeeeee shriek is demolished on her site. Scum don't rate her site.

"People are often loathe to criticize infidelity under the guise of “it’s complicated.” ...
Apparently, infidelity is so full of nuance and subtlety that only enlightened sophisticates can understand it.

If you judge cheating as wrong, you’re just not looking at it correctly. It’s like one of those optical illusion puzzles. You may just see gray dots and squiggles signifying nothing. But no! Look harder! If you squint long enough, it reads — “I’m not a bad person.” Can’t you see that?!

You don’t see that?

Well, clearly you lack the intelligence and open-mindedness necessary to reconcile deceit with good character.

Maybe you lack compassion for the “broken” people who cheat. Clearly you failed to consider all the extenuating circumstances that led to having an affair. The blame for this can be shared...

Is it that hard? If you are married, don’t cheat. If you’re single, don’t cheat. Conduct your relationships with consent.

My cheating ex always used to like to say “The truth is somewhere in between.” A pretty good motto for a serial cheater.

“It’s all very complicated” is a convenient ruse for crappy behavior...

If there were actual ambiguity, cheaters wouldn’t need to hide what they were doing. There would be no need for secrets, and hidden cell phones, and clandestine dating profiles if this were kosher or open for debate.

The fact that it is wrong means that they hide it...

It’s only after you bust a cheater that they want to spin the situation as “complicated.” So long as you’re in the dark, there is no reason to discuss it. But once you’ve exposed a double life, it’s in a cheater’s best interest to muddy the waters.

Moral murk… the cheater’s friend."

Yep. What she said. Cheaters cheat because they want to. And the really scummy ones snivel and whine "don't judge meeeee, it's complicated."

Nah. Everyone decent is judging you. Get used to it.

https://www.chumplady.com/its-complicated/

I have no desire to hurt my husband, nor any desire to sleep with all and sundry. I have a perfectly healthy sex life with my husband and would like to think we would talk about things if either of us wasn't fulfilled. Obvs over the years it's ebbed and flowed in terms of quantity - babies coming along, hormones, tiredness etc but to think he'd just go elsewhere because I was knackered from work or similar.

And I did make vows that I wouldn't too - so good job I don't want to really....

Promised I'd leave earlier, but was lured back unfortunately.

Won't do that again, the excuse making is vomit inducing.

But I will just point out that if you are a cheater you are literally already a proven abusive liar. Imagine having the gall to try to defend your abusive treachery. The sheer brass clanking balls of abusers is amazing.

Yes, I was cheated on a long time ago by first husband. Yes, dumped the treacherous liar. Yes, happily married for many years now to a man who is not a treacherous, abusive liar. Yes, would dump him in a heartbeat if he ever turned out to be a treacherous liar.

Because cheaters are dangerous liars and abusers who steal autonomy, dignity, stability, choice and sexual safety from their victims.

And as for all the whiny excuse makers who can't bear to look in the mirror and see your true reflection - your character has already been revealed.

Why on earth would anyone ever believe a word you say about anything?

Cheaters are already proven to be completely untrustworthy. The opinion of a treacherous liar counts for nothing. Your attempts to argue with me or put me down don't matter.

You don't get a say in anything ethical. Your opinion doesn't count for anything.

Because if you will lie to and abuse the person you promised to love and care for you will lie to and abuse absolutely anybody.

You cannot be trusted, so your opinions on ethics and acceptable behaviour can be safely ignored.

And every decent person who has ever found out the truth about you knows it. They're just too polite, or too disinterested in you to tell you that.

You're welcome

Of course I have made mistakes but, no, I have never done any bad or morally questionable things in my 70 years.

I am not perfect but I don't regarding not having an affair and thinking they are totally wrong do equate to being perfect. No one is forced to have an affair. They don't just happen, people chose to sleep with someone other than their partner.

An affair is NOT a mistake, it's a choice

I think it's pointless engaging with Madeforfun, she will be a side piece forever, she's been on the boards a long time, if in fact she's a real poster, 5 years and counting with the affair and she says known him 7 years previously.

I reckon there must have been a fixation on him whilst she was married, she's a waiter in the wings type of gal, she asks for nothing, probably ended her marriage for him.
I wonder @MadeForFun would you still be with him if he wanted more, wanted you totally, would he want to be with you if he no longer had a wife, you don't sound sure of anything except your willingness to never ask for anything.

And I don't believe you know nothing of his wife, never asked questions, don't know if they still share a bed, have sex anything, are you even allowed to ask ? you see this man regularly, you are infact his secend wife or maybe his third or forth. There is no way there arn't others, this type of long standing deception in a man is never limited, maybe the others know about each other, maybe you are being decieved, it appears this is how he gets his kicks, maybe he hates women.
There is something sad about your posts, very resigned to the situation, not happy or in love, you sound controlled, with a script of defending your actions without passion.
He's taking something from you, not the obvious but something, you are not angry or anything really, your posts come across as though someone has killed your spirit, something is not right.

You seem to keep trying to justify your actions to PPs who've challenged you so I feel you are but no matter, it hasn't worked on me and it's a good job you're not expecting validation because no one with integrity nor decency would validate having sex with a man whom one knows is married.
Anyway, I won't derail this thread any further.

Agreed.

You can make the wrong choice. But it's a deliberate choice. Not a mistake.

Wow you’ve never done anything bad or done something that someone else may perceive as immoral in your entire 70 years? You must be a rare human. Most people will admit to telling the odd fib, speeding, saying unkind things to people on occasion etc. Even eating animal products is immoral to a lot of people. Are you seriously saying you’ve never done any of those things?

Ooh, good distraction from the actual topic at hand there 🙄

Nice character assessment but couldn't be any further from the truth.

This Is a masterclass in infidelity minimising!

Just bonkers.