What makes people have affairs?

[Janellemoaner]

I am married, and have had several affairs. I’m pretty sure my DH is the same. Neither of us have ever spoken about it to the other. I read recently that 20% of married people have been unfaithful. I know of many others similar to me (obviously I’ve slept with several, but there are others from work who I know are carrying on with others).

Some people are viscerally angry when people mention affairs. The vitriol on here is a sight to behold, for example. But I wonder what drives others to have affairs. For me, at the basic level I like sex and it’s more fun with someone new-ish, exciting and without the baggage that comes with a proper relationship. Is it like that for everyone? Maybe part of it’s a power thing as well, reassurance that I can still do it.

I also wonder why the level of hatred at affairs is so high when far more people do it than perhaps you might think. Is it any worse than being perpetually rude or nasty to a partner, or having a drink problem?

FWIW my DH and I get along great. Neither of us ask nor tell about affairs. I think it helps an imperfect marriage rather than hinders it. Would I prefer us to be able to have a wonderfully happy life of fidelity? Of course. But since we can’t, is what we do really so terrible?

No of course not. And for the record of course I think affairs are bad and very harmful. But I don’t think that everyone who is unfaithful is a bad person. I was genuinely interested as the poster said they’ve never done anything that anyone else could think is morally wrong and I find that extremely unlikely so I think they are probably a bit of a gas lighter themselves ;)

@Grumpy12345 FWIW I don’t think people who have affairs are bad people IF they learn and grow from the damage they have caused.

I know good people who had affairs. All are united in being utterly ashamed of their actions, none if them would repeat it and all have gone on to work tirelessly to repair the damage.

I struggle with the idea that affairs are just a tale as old as time. We understand consent, we understand abuse, we understand manipulation gaslighting and the damage affairs do much more than in our mothers and grandmothers days and we ALL need have open conversations about the impact they have on betrayed people.

I also wouldn’t call an affair a mistake. It is a series of terrible choices which can have far reaching consequences, it is a deliberate, selfish and entitled act in that moment or time period.

Why are you asking us?

you’re the one having multiple affairs, shouldn’t you know the answer to your question?

my answer would be because they have no moral compass, probably have had a promiscuous past that they can’t switch off, like variety and the excitement of doing something illicit, don’t care about hurting others, have settled for someone for other reasons but just don’t see their spouse as their everything, are just not marriage material and should have stayed single so they don’t hurt another person - but they won’t do that as their low moral compass will flag up the other benefits of marriage which they will want to reap.

Perhaps. I see it as being bored with the current partner (understandable), not wanting to cause upheaval to the lives of their children (makes sense) and yes perhaps selfish but you only have one life etc.

I don't think people go into affairs to hurt their partner but entirely understand why they do it.

I think many many people (the majority) would have an affair if they had the opportunity and they knew they wouldn't get caught.

@MadeForFun

Maybe you were picked for a reason.
A great defender of him.
A woman without empathy, morality or boundaries.

You are clearly unable to think of yourself as a victim, you present as someone who thinks they are in control.

I believe the control is all his.
He owns you.

What a bold and sweeping statement.
I don't believe "the majority" would have an affair. At least I have more faith in people than that and I hope I am not misguided.

To all of you brushing affairs off lightly, why not just read some of the threads on this very board posted by people discovering their partner has betrayed them.

The hurt & fall out is too much to simply shrug your shoulders at.

I don't drive. I am vegetarian. Don't ever recall saying something unkind to anyone as that is just not who I am.

I have, of course, told small lies but I really don't see that they equate as immoral or bad if telling them has never done any harm. You can hardly compare a small white lie with cheating on partner!

Sorry to disappoint you but I am definitely not a gas lighter. I have very strong morals and views on marriage/infidelity etc. It's not that uncommon. Both my siblings have the same views as does my DH. Maybe you just don't know many moral people

The majority? That’s really sad, I don’t think someone can speak for others on this though, perhaps that is how you feel. I personally would be repulsed by it. If I’m with someone I am theirs full stop, and it’s a bond that is instantly forever corrupted and changed if you were to be with someone else. But, I’ve never been in a relationship and had the desire to be with someone else. I’ve only been out with a couple of guys, both who I was very passionate about through the highs and the lows. I wouldn’t have dated them if I didn’t 100% feel all in with them, as both I knew for years before. Other than that, I’ve been single, and I don’t do casual, so sex to me is something tied together with commitment and love. The thought of illicit sex, going behind someone’s back, being intimate with someone I’m not fully committed to with nobody else in the picture, makes me want to heave. If I ever started feeling that way, I would know I was settling for the person I’m with or using them for other benefits, but I enjoy being alone and don’t need anything from anyone, so to even be in a relationship means I really want that person.

Well of course your DH would tell you he has the same views on infidelity as you do ;)

Is that the best you can come up with when someone tells you they have strong morals? Suggesting that their DH isn't moral?

It must be sad to have such little faith in the people you've chosen to surround yourself with.

It shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks if you are both happy with your set up. Personally I think it goes against the sanctity of marriage and isn't something I would do.

Goodness me, it was lighthearted! Lol

After all your talk of gaslighting? Sure.

😂

I could’ve written your post OP @Janellemoaner
Wanting a little bit of fun in a very long and caring marriage isnt the end of the world and actually, I do wonder whether I’d stay if it wasn’t for this as we’ve become so different.

We’ve known each other over 30 years and love each other a lot but it’s just the frisson and the excitement.

Plus kids have gone . We both have all the time in the world.
no one knows - all out of town.

That's lovely but many don't think like you.

I love seeing people like you in old age.

Old age… she could be in her fifties!!!!!!

🙈

Ah, the classic "Jeez, I was only joking, can't you take a joke?"

I think it's very sad that you believe the majority of people would have an affair if they could be sure they wouldn't get caught, and says far more about you than it does about any one else.

For the record, I was in an unhappy emotionally and financially abusive relationship that took me three years to extract myself from. In that time I had no sex life (my choice) and was desperately lonely. But I was still in the relationship and in respect to that fact, I never cheated on my ex, even though I'm quite sure I could have gotten away with it.

Cheating would be out of integrity with who I am. Anyone who cheats does it because they have chosen to live without integrity, whatever their excuse for wanting to do it is.

Yes, yet to get to old age.

A lot changes after middle age.

Priorities can be different and not always conducive to the choices you have made.

I also wouldn’t call an affair a mistake. It is a series of terrible choices which can have far reaching consequences, it is a deliberate, selfish and entitled act in that moment or time period

That is exactly what a mistake is.

Mistake

an act or judgement that is misguided or wrong.

Ok using the official definition of ‘mistake’ which you seem to be utterly drawn to, as an ‘act that is wrong’ would you count verbal assault as a mistake? Racial abuse as a mistake? A physical assault as a mistake?

They’re all acts that are wrong…

I don’t think you would.

And that is how betrayed people feel about using the word mistake to describe infidelity. It doesn’t sit well.

Ok using the official definition of ‘mistake’ which you seem to be utterly drawn to, as an ‘act that is wrong’ would you count verbal assault as a mistake? Racial abuse as a mistake? A physical assault as a mistake?

They’re all acts that are wrong…

I don’t think you would

Then you are mistaken.