What makes people have affairs?

[Janellemoaner]

I am married, and have had several affairs. I’m pretty sure my DH is the same. Neither of us have ever spoken about it to the other. I read recently that 20% of married people have been unfaithful. I know of many others similar to me (obviously I’ve slept with several, but there are others from work who I know are carrying on with others).

Some people are viscerally angry when people mention affairs. The vitriol on here is a sight to behold, for example. But I wonder what drives others to have affairs. For me, at the basic level I like sex and it’s more fun with someone new-ish, exciting and without the baggage that comes with a proper relationship. Is it like that for everyone? Maybe part of it’s a power thing as well, reassurance that I can still do it.

I also wonder why the level of hatred at affairs is so high when far more people do it than perhaps you might think. Is it any worse than being perpetually rude or nasty to a partner, or having a drink problem?

FWIW my DH and I get along great. Neither of us ask nor tell about affairs. I think it helps an imperfect marriage rather than hinders it. Would I prefer us to be able to have a wonderfully happy life of fidelity? Of course. But since we can’t, is what we do really so terrible?

Honest people with personal integrity speak up when they are unhappy in their marriage. They discuss why and how they would like to make things better with their spouse. If there is no reachable compromise, or the promised changes don’t materialise, then they speak up again and say that despite trying, they cannot see a future for the marriage so they need to end it. There is no compulsion, need or foregone conclusion that a secret third party should be invited into the marriage before the marriage is declared over. None.
Cheating is a personal choice. Unhappy marriages cause unhappiness for both spouses and/ or the family. That is all unhappy marriages cause.
Cheating is caused when one of the spouses makes a unilateral, personal choice to cheat. They don’t have to or need to, they choose to.
When people need money, those with personal integrity get a job. Those without personal integrity choose to commit crimes or borrow beyond their means. They don’t have to get the loan or shoplift, they choose to.
The individual personal choices we make in the face of life’s difficulties and circumstances are what actually cause poor human behaviour.
Sadly those very difficulties and circumstances are used as reasons/ excuses and/ or justifications for what are actually people’s personal choices and responsibilities at a time of difficulty.
Character and integrity are rarely called into question during life’s good/ easy times. It’s what people choose in the face of difficulties which cause a moral dilemma that show you how much character and integrity they have. There are no excuses for choosing a path they know is wrong.
People must own their poor behaviour, they choose it with no coercion or help from anything or anyone else.

Takers and Givers.

A taker will rarely recognise when they are taking too much.

A giver will always try to understand why the taker doesn't recognise this.

A taker will rarely ponder why they take too much.

100%, and a giver will always be thinking of ways to make the relationship the best it can be, and adding value to it, a taker will see those efforts, lap it all up, but it doesn’t make them more loyal or appreciate what they have, unless they are at great risk of losing it. A giver should always be with another giver for real relationship success.

OP is a taker with what sounds like another taker, so if it works for them turning a blind eye to each others behaviours while reaping the rewards of a mutually beneficial “on paper” marriage, then I’m just thankful neither of them are wasting the time of someone who is serious about a relationship

Maybe op's husband is a giver, we don't know and neither does she for certain.

One thing is probably true though, she is having affairs with other takers and there will be a givers in the background being abused and hurt.

I honestly think there is no greater 'take' than pretending to be truthful yet being deceitful in a marriage where one party believes they are in love.
It's the biggest take of them all.

Yep. She assumes they are both up to it, but it could just be delusion on her part, or projection. Lots of cheaters project, and they don’t trust their partners either. The way she’s worded it sounds like wishful thinking though! She’s an unusual character all round. If however they are both takers and therefore deserving of each other, you’re correct that in the background somewhere givers will be being hurt, with all the people they are apparently both shagging, and her very lax attitude to marriage, I doubt she’s picky about whether her hook ups are single, so no doubt there will be at least other women being deceived here. If her husband is as scummy as her, he won’t be being picky either

You can read some threads of people who were cheated on by their partners and perhaps you might find the answer to your question, but I guess you are so selfish that you empathy level is close to 0.

Nobody cares about the way you choose to live your life, but to judge people who don't condone cheating is disgusting.

“Some things are better left unsaid” is a phrase my deceptive, lying, cheating ex used to say 🤣