What makes people have affairs?

[Janellemoaner]

I am married, and have had several affairs. I’m pretty sure my DH is the same. Neither of us have ever spoken about it to the other. I read recently that 20% of married people have been unfaithful. I know of many others similar to me (obviously I’ve slept with several, but there are others from work who I know are carrying on with others).

Some people are viscerally angry when people mention affairs. The vitriol on here is a sight to behold, for example. But I wonder what drives others to have affairs. For me, at the basic level I like sex and it’s more fun with someone new-ish, exciting and without the baggage that comes with a proper relationship. Is it like that for everyone? Maybe part of it’s a power thing as well, reassurance that I can still do it.

I also wonder why the level of hatred at affairs is so high when far more people do it than perhaps you might think. Is it any worse than being perpetually rude or nasty to a partner, or having a drink problem?

FWIW my DH and I get along great. Neither of us ask nor tell about affairs. I think it helps an imperfect marriage rather than hinders it. Would I prefer us to be able to have a wonderfully happy life of fidelity? Of course. But since we can’t, is what we do really so terrible?

So you would call physically assaulting someone a "mistake"?

I think that would show a lack of judgement on your behalf, you would be making a mistake.

But in your eyes, mislabelling an action and physically assaulting someone come under the same heading?

Fair enough, I guess each to their own when it comes to the nuances of language. It’s certainly not a word I would apply to any circumstance where there had been intent to harm or knowledge that the act could cause harm.

So you would call physically assaulting someone a "mistake"?

Unless there is good reason, yes. Wouldn’t you?

Well obviously not a very caring marriage if you think cheating is ok. Wanting a little bit of fun in a long marriage! How sad.

I have been married 44 years and certainly do not think having an affair is a little bit of fun and, to me, it would be the end of the world

As an editor, the word mistake is widely understood to indicate wrongdoing with a lack of intent while wrongdoing with intent is a choice.

Adding up a line of numbers on an invoice wrongly and overcharging is a mistake. Adding extra hours to the invoice and overcharging based on that is cheating the customer.

A child can understand the difference so any adult attempting to wave the active wrongdoing of an affair away as “a mistake” is only trying to diminish their responsibility.

If you can replace the word “mistake” in a sentence with “bad choice” and it becomes more accurate, then it was not a mistake in the first place.

Whatever are you talking about? I never said the majority of people would have an affair if they thought they wouldn’t get caught 🤷🏾‍♀️

What do you want a medal 😂 well done, you wasted three years of your life!

You just read that I was stuck in an an abusive relationship for three years and your response is to mock me for “wasting my life” because I didn’t have an affair while I was focused on getting free?

Wow.

If he was abusive he very likely cheated on you…

My mistake, I thought you were the poster who said most people would have affairs if they could get away with it, but I see now that actually you were equating the immorality of exceeding the speed limit or telling a fib with lying consistently to your declared life partner while you fuck someone else.

He certainly lied to me about a lot of things but no, I strongly doubt he cheated. What’s that got to do with you jeering at me?

What's that word?

Anyone who thinks most people would have an affair if they could get away with it, is 100% not marriage material and it’s only a matter of time before they act on their impulses. If they don’t act on their impulses who would want to marry someone who spends their life struggling not to fuck other people. Whoever thinks the majority would do this, isn’t in other peoples heads, it’s just what THEY feel. Plenty of us in relationships don’t want anyone else but our partner anyway, and those that do, wouldn’t be comfortable with illicit behaviour, lying and sneaking around. People who think this way shouldn’t marry, because they are wasting someone else’s life, and settling for them. Or they should marry someone of a similar mindset, either way I don’t believe people like that are capable of the deepest true love which isn’t just commitment and obligation, but an exclusive bond where your heart and desire is for your partner, even when times are rough, and nobody else would get a look in.

I think you're unusual OP. People in happy marriages don't usually cheat. Affairs are a symptom of a failing marriage.

While people like to vilify the cheating partner (which is often deserved to an extent), when a marriage fails usually both parties are responsible to some degree.

"sorry I broke your nose, deciding to punch you was a mistake".

Yeah....that sounds right...🙄

I'd call it a bad decision but it wasn't a "mistake". It was a deliberate choice.

‘I think you're unusual OP. People in happy marriages don't usually cheat. Affairs are a symptom of a failing marriage’

No. This argument blames the marriage and not the people having the affair. Affairs are a symptom of a need for validation and ego kibbles outside of your primary relationship often to attempt to fix an issue within the cheat themselves. You don’t have to be unhappy in your relationship to have an affair. There is plenty of research out there supporting this.

You only have to come on here to see the number of absolutely blindsided betrayed partners who were in happy marriages when something more shiny came along for their partners.

You are not safe from an affair by keeping your partner ‘happy’.

It’s time this old fashioned thinking went in the bin.

Nah. Cheaters cheat because they want to. That's the entire reason. Always. Without exception.

Leaving your wife because you're unhappy absolutely never has to involve a new screw.

Marital breakdown absolutely never has to involve a new screw.

Decent people leave unhappy marriages. Lying scum cheat then leave.

We are what we do. Cheaters are treacherous betrayers and liars.

Never ceases to amaze me how many people you see on these threads acting as though no other option existed to deal with their unhappy marriage except having an affair.

This might seem strange but I think the main driving factor is a lack of self-esteem and self-worth. I simply do not believe that a well-adjusted person would have an affair.

You'll be laughing on the other side of your face when your DH decides to trade you in for a newer model, or better still when one of you gets an STI.

I wonder how many homes you've wrecked out of your utter selfishness.

Boredom, novelty, sexless/emotionally unfulfilling marriages,not feeling valued and ego boost I'd guess.

Interesting to read of others' experiences. I think it's easy to take spouse/partner for granted over time and smartphones probably make it easier than ever to cross the line. It's probably easier to retreat into fantasy of an affair than address difficult issues in a marriage.

I'm a middle aged 40something married man (changed my name for this post!), and have strayed into online/emotional affair territory during recent difficulties with marriage but I've seen sense and pulled back before going further and destroying what we've got. Definitely feels like midlife crisis - mentality of 'hey I can still attract women'(see ego boost above) but pretty self centred when you look at it. Can understand why people do it though, especially those in sexless marriages.

I am wholly against affairs but I think for some who have been with the same person since they were very young there is a feeling of having missed out on something (playing the field?) when they hit middle age and this can cause them to stray.
I certainly know of one or two people where this was the reason/excuse given.

But, again, talk about it and end the relationship first if you can't get over that feeling - don't cheat!

Yep - and If you have this feeling then your partner may as well do. So, give them the chance to explore as well.

To be honest, it's a reason I do understand although I don't condone cheating as the answer.

I am paranoid about my own kids getting too serious with their first partners for this reason.

You see it a lot on here - marriages ending in middle age & it turns out the couple have been together 25 years but met at 18.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos I totally agree with you! I wouldn't have made vows to X, and certainly not to God Himself, to be faithful until death had I not been sincere nor for one moment thought he was not taking his vows just as seriously!
I'm happier without him now but just wish I had never married him in the first place!