What makes people have affairs?

[Janellemoaner]

I am married, and have had several affairs. I’m pretty sure my DH is the same. Neither of us have ever spoken about it to the other. I read recently that 20% of married people have been unfaithful. I know of many others similar to me (obviously I’ve slept with several, but there are others from work who I know are carrying on with others).

Some people are viscerally angry when people mention affairs. The vitriol on here is a sight to behold, for example. But I wonder what drives others to have affairs. For me, at the basic level I like sex and it’s more fun with someone new-ish, exciting and without the baggage that comes with a proper relationship. Is it like that for everyone? Maybe part of it’s a power thing as well, reassurance that I can still do it.

I also wonder why the level of hatred at affairs is so high when far more people do it than perhaps you might think. Is it any worse than being perpetually rude or nasty to a partner, or having a drink problem?

FWIW my DH and I get along great. Neither of us ask nor tell about affairs. I think it helps an imperfect marriage rather than hinders it. Would I prefer us to be able to have a wonderfully happy life of fidelity? Of course. But since we can’t, is what we do really so terrible?

As usual, Chump Lady says it best:

"Why do cheaters cheat?
Because they can. Because it doesn’t hurt them to hurt you. Because entitlement. Read about Ego Kibbles — a cheater’s currency of narcissistic supply.

Why won’t they leave?
Because they like cake — having both the affair and the marriage. It’s not a competition, it’s about maintaining an abusive power dynamic, explained here:
The Unified Theory of Cake."

https://www.chumplady.com/the-basics-of-cheating/

It's not always as black and white as some posters on here are making out.

Loads of reasons people have affairs - what others may think of it is up to them.

Chump Lady is a support for people who have had their heart broken from infidelity. Of course they're going to say everyone who cheats are abusive narcissistic arseholes.

Life isn't as black and white as that.

Cheaters cheat because they want to.

It's not remotely complicated.

You can read 10 articles and have 10 different opinions given to you...

I think the main reasons people have affairs is that they have an avoidant attachment style, low self-esteem and they have the opportunity.

Cheaters cheat because they want to.

It's not remotely complicated.

No, but what makes them want to is.

Cheaters cheat because they want to. That's all there is.

Repeating your opinion 3 times doesn't make it any more valid than someone else's.....

Their excuses aren't relevant at all though.
They want to cheat, they choose to cheat. It's absolutely that simple.

It's not an opinion, it's a simple, clear statement of fact.

No point worrying about an abuser's excuses.

They want to, they choose to, they do. Simple.

I would agree with this. It sums my mother up very well. Running away was her default mode to the life that she was unhappy with although she made the choice to have three children and marry very young. She was looking for a rescuer.

It’s a lack of integrity, selfishness and untrustworthiness. It wouldn’t be for me but if both of you are doing it and are both happy then crack on but you’re hurting other people in the process.

I'll leave this thread with this - if you're the sort of person who comes up with excuses when someone punches you in the face, you're exactly the sort of person to care about cheater's excuses.

Cheating is abuse. Cheaters are lying abusers. That's just a fact.

You'll never know what they did and you'll never know what they'll do in the future.

Their excuses don't matter. If you want to let them keep wiping their boots on your face, go for it.

But pretending it's complicated is just swallowing Hopium and Copium.

People share bodily fluids and lie about it for only one actual reason.

They want to.

And if you choose to be their punchbag, good luck. You're going to need it.

But it's not the answer either. It doesn't make it morally right. It doesn't give you better karma or a reason to shag a married man.

There's always a better way. It's just not always the easy choice.

I'll leave this thread with this - if you're the sort of person who comes up with excuses when someone punches you in the face, you're exactly the sort of person to care about cheater's excuses.

There may be no excuse for either, but there will be a reason for both.

This is why people have affairs.
You need to be the kind of person who can be completely at ease with being a perpetrator of or an accomplice to someone else’s deception, gaslighting and abuse as long as it suits them and they are happy.
They see the wife as his problem, not theirs. The whole thing will be his fault if it hits the fan and they will have had nothing to do with it, despite being happy to help him do all of it and be in it up to their armpits (at least).
They don’t flinch at being part of a web of lies and allowing others to live in a fool’s paradise because they don’t care, the wife is not a person, not a human being with a life and feelings, she’s a mere pesky obstacle at worst and a status-quo maintaining housekeeper and childminder/ babysitter for the affair at best.
Most people don’t have affairs because they’d never be able to look themselves in the mirror knowing they were a part of something so psychologically damaging and abusive to another person. Reading that level of conscience-free self-interest always shocks the hell out of me.

Exactly. There's no excuse for punching someone in the face but there certainly will be a reason.

None of those reasons make having an affair ok. If you don't love or respect your OH then leave don't just cheat on them. It's disgusting behaviour

It’s too late to worry about that! You and he have already put the grenade under her life and it’s rolling around with the pin out!
You and he are the grenade.
She just doesn’t know that the pair of you are playing Russian Roulette with her life, with her sexual and mental health.
Neither of you will get “an attack of conscience” (don’t you just hate it when one of life’s little fun-suckers shows up?) because of all the lies you’ve told yourselves to justify/ minimise and rationalise what you’re both doing to her. They’re all here written out.
He doesn’t want to leave his wife, yet he risks everything he has with her. All will be well because she’ll never find out, of course. What she doesn’t know can’t hurt her etc etc. Except the time, energy and funds the affair is thieving from her marriage is already hurting her.
Affair partners always believe they are too clever to get caught. Slip ups are pretty common and nigh-on inevitable, but contemplating the ensuing shitshow of discovery is another of life’s little fun-suckers, so better to suppress thinking about that and decide you’re far too clever to ever let that happen.
If she already silently suspects something is off, it’s only a matter of time.
He’d better hope that if he wants to stay with his wife, she still wants to stay with him when she finds out. Then of course if he’s kicked out he’ll no doubt do an about turn and say it was the best thing that could have happened because he wants to be with you, as soon as there’s nowhere else to go.
I feel so, so sorry for this man’s wife. It’s a pity neither of you two do.

Many things have ‘always happened’. So what, that’s hardly a good moral compass.

I believe nothing makes anyone be unfaithful, it's a choice made by the unfaithful spouse/partner to betray their OH, and it's motivated by deceitfulness low integrity, high self-centredness and either a lack of compassion and respect and genuine care for those who will be negatively affected i.e. OH and any children involved. It's an act or series of actions that demonstrate a refusal to love selflessly.
Such people should be kept at a distance but unfortunately, they are too crafty and able to pretend to be someone they're not and by the time their victims find out what they really are, the damage is often already done!

I meant to add " ...OH and any children involved, OR an actual wilful attempt to cause hurt, damage and harm because they have built up an unjust grudge, or maybe even out of pure sadism!
MN, we could do with an "edit" button please!

Press the three dots in the top right hand corner of your post. "Edit post" is at the bottom, for a short time after you press post.