What makes people have affairs?

[Janellemoaner]

I am married, and have had several affairs. I’m pretty sure my DH is the same. Neither of us have ever spoken about it to the other. I read recently that 20% of married people have been unfaithful. I know of many others similar to me (obviously I’ve slept with several, but there are others from work who I know are carrying on with others).

Some people are viscerally angry when people mention affairs. The vitriol on here is a sight to behold, for example. But I wonder what drives others to have affairs. For me, at the basic level I like sex and it’s more fun with someone new-ish, exciting and without the baggage that comes with a proper relationship. Is it like that for everyone? Maybe part of it’s a power thing as well, reassurance that I can still do it.

I also wonder why the level of hatred at affairs is so high when far more people do it than perhaps you might think. Is it any worse than being perpetually rude or nasty to a partner, or having a drink problem?

FWIW my DH and I get along great. Neither of us ask nor tell about affairs. I think it helps an imperfect marriage rather than hinders it. Would I prefer us to be able to have a wonderfully happy life of fidelity? Of course. But since we can’t, is what we do really so terrible?

If your affair comes to light there will be some implications on you! You won't be kept out of it.
His wife will want to know who, when, where and how long. He will drag you down with him. You are responsible you are sleeping with another wife's husband!!
I'd stop it before it all blows up

then why not open your marriage consensually and agree not to discuss? cheating robs the other person of agency and makes a mockery of their trust. i promise it is one of the cruelest and most abusive things you can do.

How can you find a man attractive when he treats his wife, the mother of his children, like that?

And whatever he tells you, I bet he's still sleeping with her regularly.
It's sad that you have such low self esteem that you think this kind of relationship is all you deserve.
Maybe you should look into why that is.

What happens if one of you develops feelings for another person?

@Janellmoaner

If you're still there...

You ask Is having an affair worse than being habitually, rude, unkind to your partner, or drinking in a way that negatively impacts your marriage ... no, I don't think it necessarily is. Any unpleasant unfair behaviour isn't great.

You then say ideally you would be in a monogamous marriage.

So I guess you've answered your question: your marriage isn't as good, your respect and feelings towards each other just aren't as good as you wish they were

Wow. The level of vitriol on here really is incredible.

The OW is berated for "stealing another womans man", but the husband rarely gets a mention for his part to play in it.

As OP said, affairs are a lot more common than people think, and everyone has their own set of circumstances for how they found themselves in this position.

Is it any worse than being perpetually rude or nasty to a partner, or having a drink problem?

Yes, it is.
I wouldn’t tolerate any of the above either.

You have no respect for your partner, or yourself.

The self declared OW is getting a lot of flack because she has openly admitted what she's doing & has a really poor attitude towards it.
Obviously the husband is equally as contemptible, even more so in fact because he is no doubt still sleeping with his unsuspecting partner and thinking how clever he is to be keeping two women on the go.
I feel sorry for the OW on here actually because she is being manipulated by him just as much as his wife is although she declared she doesn't care & went into this with her eyes wide open.

If only more women would turn down married men like him who openly pursue them for sex as this OW says he did.

But do you think it would make her happy to spend money on him if she knew he wasn't the person he presents to her?

I'm happy to spend my bonus on something for my husband, I work bloody hard for it but he supports me to do that. If it turned out he was actually screwing someone behind my back, I would resent that I'd worked hard for that money and then spent any of it on him.

That's the agency you're helping him take away from her. You're helping him make her life a lie. And the fact you don't care about that speaks volumes about you as a person.

I did it because I was extremely unhappy. In my dh, in myself and my life in general.

I think depression and hormones (peri) played a huge part. When you’re feeling shit and an attractive guy comes along and starts paying you lots of attention (lovebombing!) you are flattered and want to believe you maybe could have another chance at happiness. I felt like I didn’t love dh any more and wanted a way out ( I will also add dh wasn’t blameless and lots of things he’d done over the years had built up resentment and apathy in me).

My situation blew up spectacularly- I eventually admitted all to my dh as I hated the deceit. OM claimed to worship the ground I walked on, said his marriage was over, they were more like flat mates/hadnt had sex for years etc. He told me he’d confessed to her he was leaving her and was in love with someone else. He led me to believe he wanted us to sail off into the sunset together. It was all lies though.

My dh contacted his DW and she knew nothing about it.

He turned out to be a covert narcissist and sociopath - the lies he told me were absolutely shocking. He even told me he had cancer to try to elicit sympathy.

Ultimately I have no doubt she has stayed with him and that she too is a victim of his manipulation and abuse. It messed with my head massively and id do anything to turn back the clock and take back what I did. I cheapened myself by allowing him to touch me, he wasn’t worth a piece of shit on my shoe and I hate that I didn’t have more self respect and the willpower to say no. I was weak and I really let myself down.

DH has done everything possible to try and make things work between us and I have come to see him in a new light. He has really fought for our marriage and I didn’t expect (or deserve) that. One good thing to come out of it is that we are so much more open with one another - we both really want our marriage to work and are putting in the effort to turn things around, and I have let a lot of things from the past go.

I think about the OM’s wife sometimes and feel so sorry for her that she maybe doesn’t realise what an sick person she’s married to, she’ll never know the truth about what happened and how he showed such little regard for her. He even told me he’d nearly called off their wedding bc he knew even then he didn’t love her. He called her nasty names and was obviously very resentful of her, but I think needed to stay for the lifestyle her job provided. He didn’t even have a car and drove hers! I so wish I’d listened to my gut and paid attention to the red flags - but I think I wanted to believe him - cognitive dissonance fuelled by dopamine hits from the attention and excitement I think. I really thought I was in love with him but I didn’t even know him. The person he presented to me was a fake. And it wasn’t about sex bc he was pretty crap in bed and had a smallish willy - when we were having sex I was thinking about how much better my dh was in bed and how much bigger his willy was so it’s not like I didn’t have it better at home!

It makes me sick to think about him now - I feel like I was another person when it happened - someone I don’t recognise and whom I hope I’ve now buried forever.

She flatly said she likes sex with someone new without relationship complications and clearly couldn't give a crap about a woman whose life she's helping to destroy.

OPs life sounds desperately grim but she's orchestrating it and she certainly wouldn't spare any compassion for you or anyone else.

She's told us what she is. I believe her.

People on mumsnet get very worked up about affairs don’t they! But affairs have been going on since time begun and a lot of people do it…they can’t all be evil people surely. Most don’t get caught anyway. It’s not my cup of tea but I’d say it’s an unfortunate part of life rather than people being the devil incarnate.

People get worked up because affairs can devastate lives, particularly children's lives.

Don't try to diminish them as just something trivial that have "always happened".

Obviously every situation is different and no one is saying people engaging in affairs are "evil" but there can be very serious consequences to affairs so they are never something to be taken lightly.

And honesty in relationships is surely better?

If you don't love your partner any more or things aren't working talk about it, do something don't use that as an excuse to have sex with someone else.

It's simple. If the marriage or partnership isn't working, be a grown up, be honest and communicate to your partner. No one should be stuck in an unhappy relationship as it's not good for anyone long term.
However don't be a coward, don't sneak around and don't hurt someone you are supposed to love, because you want to eat your cake.
People who have an affair are total shit bags. There is absolutely no excuse, to behave in such away regardless of if you are male or female in a same sex relationship or opposite sex relationship. If you are not prepared to treat your partner with respect, be honest and tell them, so at least they get the choice of staying or leaving.
I have absolutely no time for shitty sneaky behaviour. Leaving a marriage due to it not working, fine. Staying in a marriage/ partnership because it's convenient or because the sneaker doesn't want to be acknowledged their shitty behaviour is not fine and complete cowardice....a very unattractive trait.

Not the devil incarnate, no, but morally reprehensible? Absolutely.

You make a promise to someone, you don't break it without an open discussion. Whether that's a promise to make dinner tomorrow or a promise to be faithful.

I don't think it's fair to say all people who have affairs are cowards and shitbags. There are dozens of reasons why someone might decide to go down that road, as we've already seen on here. Unhappiness, depression, perimenopause. Everyone's circumstances are different.

Cheating is abuse.

Abusive people always try to minimise abuse.

But normal people see right through that.

No, there's only ever one reason. They want to. So they do.

Everyone can have a conversation with their partner about those circumstances though.

The only reason they choose to do it and hide it is that they are cowards.

Or because they don't feel safe having the "I'm not happy anymore" conversation with their partner?

Not emotionally ready to be alone
Can't afford to take the financial hit of being single
Can't stand the thought of losing their kids 50% of the time
Worried their partner might turn violent and beat them

It's rarely as easy as announcing you're not happy then just sailing off into the sunset.

People have affairs for all sorts of reasons: some because they are miserable and are passive aggressively advocating for change within the relationship, some looking for a new partner, some just have high sex drives and love boning. I don’t suppose the intellectualisation of cheating changes that there is probably an underlying issue driving it. I don’t think having an affair needs to be the end of a relationship, but if affairs are the general state of play, that sounds more like an unspoken open marriage to my ear.

None of those, except maybe the abusive partner, warrant breaking marriage vows though.

And even with the abusive partner, imagine how much worse if they caught you.

It's absolutely not the sensible option to take.

None of your reasons given justify searching out someone else to have sex with though?

Obviously leaving someone isn't easy but how is finding someone else to shag an answer?

Nobody is saying it's the sensible option. It's not an excuse or a justification. All I'm saying is not all affairs start because the person is bored and looking to get their end away.