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Original poster

What makes people have affairs?

283 replies

Janellemoaner · 15/09/2024 11:39

I am married, and have had several affairs. I’m pretty sure my DH is the same. Neither of us have ever spoken about it to the other. I read recently that 20% of married people have been unfaithful. I know of many others similar to me (obviously I’ve slept with several, but there are others from work who I know are carrying on with others).

Some people are viscerally angry when people mention affairs. The vitriol on here is a sight to behold, for example. But I wonder what drives others to have affairs. For me, at the basic level I like sex and it’s more fun with someone new-ish, exciting and without the baggage that comes with a proper relationship. Is it like that for everyone? Maybe part of it’s a power thing as well, reassurance that I can still do it.

I also wonder why the level of hatred at affairs is so high when far more people do it than perhaps you might think. Is it any worse than being perpetually rude or nasty to a partner, or having a drink problem?

FWIW my DH and I get along great. Neither of us ask nor tell about affairs. I think it helps an imperfect marriage rather than hinders it. Would I prefer us to be able to have a wonderfully happy life of fidelity? Of course. But since we can’t, is what we do really so terrible?

OP posts:
Missmarple87 · 15/09/2024 12:27

Emily1583 · 15/09/2024 12:09

It all comes down to attention seeking and indiscipline I'd say.

Edited

You forgot narcissism 😀

Ifoughthefight · 15/09/2024 12:29

You haven't grown up in a sensible and moral family;
You are immoral ( which really is not nice and shows lack of integrity and decency perhaps in many other areas of your life)
you are selfish and uncapable of controlling your emotions and urges
you don't mind hurting people, including your children which really should be your first priority.
your are a pitiful mess really and this is why you will never be romantically happy.

Ifoughthefight · 15/09/2024 12:33

Forgot to add: using sex without commitment with men when you are officially married and are not paid for it has a word for it

kitsuneghost · 15/09/2024 12:34

I have never understood breaking up a family over an affair.
So weird. It is like nobody thinks about it rationally and blindly follow a brainwashed in rhetoric

For me, perimenopause and low self esteem.

TwistedWonder · 15/09/2024 12:34

Janellemoaner · 15/09/2024 11:49

Because I don’t want to think or hear about it. What he does when I’m not around is his business. Same with me and my business. Some things are better left unsaid.

Show quote history

For me it’s the lying and deceit that’s the immoral part rather than the physical act so I’d say lack of integrity and selfishness would be why most people cheat

BossyWasps · 15/09/2024 12:35

Boredom
Disappointment
Attention seeking
Escapism

OrangeTeabags · 15/09/2024 12:37

If this OP is actually based in reality - how do you think your children would feel if they found out about your (and your husband's suspected) infidelity?

Pretty sure they wouldn't just brush it off with a shrug...

DesigningWoman · 15/09/2024 12:38

Ifoughthefight · 15/09/2024 12:33

Forgot to add: using sex without commitment with men when you are officially married and are not paid for it has a word for it

What is this word???🙄

OP, I think quite a lot of affairs are actually aimed at maintaining a marriage — I can certainly think of people I know who had one to enable them to keep their marriage going in difficult times, sometimes with the explicit or implicit connivance of their spouse. I don’t think they’re necessarily a death blow either. If your marriage works well as you suggest it does, and an affair doesn’t fatally distract you from your DH, and you think he’s operating similarly, what’s the harm? Assuming you have rock solid contraception.

The risk would be if you (or your DH) fell in love.

Emily1583 · 15/09/2024 12:40

Missmarple87 · 15/09/2024 12:27

You forgot narcissism 😀

Show quote history

Yes definitely narcissism too.

Vergus · 15/09/2024 12:41

Why do people have affairs? My honest thoughts;

Because they genuinely fall in love with someone else and aren’t able to turn away from their existing partnership

Because they don’t like who they’ve become so are inherently unhappy and seek to fill the void by embarking on an affair - the attention gives them some validation when they feel like shit

Because they enjoy the scandalous nature of it. They know it’s wrong, but they are drawn by the risk and the excitement. The more taboo it becomes, the more they are drawn to it.

Because it’s a massive ego boost. They like to know they’ve still got it

Because they are unhappy in their current marriage but for logistical reasons can’t/won’t leave.

It could be a combination of any/or of these.

cocobeaner · 15/09/2024 12:43

I don't understand what you want from this post? You have an unconventional set up but seem happy and in theory nobody gets hurt - so what do you need other peoples views on it?

I had an affair but I was in a miserable, horrible abusive marriage. I think this is more the norm really and FWIW I have now been happily married to the affair partner for ten times as long as my first marriage lasted, so I have zero regrets.

ginasevern · 15/09/2024 12:46

OP, your situation is different. You have an unspoken "arrangement" (for want of a better word). Surely you understand that people take a very dim view of someone cheating on a loving and oblivious partner? Surely you equally understand the hurt when that partner discovers. When I found out my DH of 26 years had been cheating I felt like my whole marriage was an illusion - a lie. Unless you are being disingenuous or seeking justification, you must know why people usually find it distatestful.

OrangeTeabags · 15/09/2024 12:50

ginasevern · 15/09/2024 12:46

OP, your situation is different. You have an unspoken "arrangement" (for want of a better word). Surely you understand that people take a very dim view of someone cheating on a loving and oblivious partner? Surely you equally understand the hurt when that partner discovers. When I found out my DH of 26 years had been cheating I felt like my whole marriage was an illusion - a lie. Unless you are being disingenuous or seeking justification, you must know why people usually find it distatestful.

The OP assumes her situation is different, she doesn't actually know for sure that her husband is also sleeping around.
But I think it's a post purely designed to rile a reaction.

Riapia · 15/09/2024 12:51

What makes people have affairs?

Sex.
😉😁😁

Oleo24 · 15/09/2024 12:52

It’s morally wrong to have an affair and sad that you don’t think there’s anything wrong with it.

Thursdaygirl · 15/09/2024 12:52

Fireandflames · 15/09/2024 11:42

It’s because of how much it hurts and damages people and their families. Not every one wants a cheating scumbag to destroy a family or relationship due to their selfishness. I personally hate people who do it.

This

K37529 · 15/09/2024 12:56

Janellemoaner · 15/09/2024 11:49

Because I don’t want to think or hear about it. What he does when I’m not around is his business. Same with me and my business. Some things are better left unsaid.

Show quote history

Do you not worry about stis? Even if you are using protection you don’t know that your husband is. I wouldn’t cheat on my partner because I know how upset he would be, our relationship would be over, our children’s world would be ripped apart, and aside from all that I just genuinely have no interest in sleeping with anyone else.

Emily1583 · 15/09/2024 12:59

Oleo24 · 15/09/2024 12:52

It’s morally wrong to have an affair and sad that you don’t think there’s anything wrong with it.

Marriage vows today are nothing more than a bit of poetry for what they are worth.

isthesolution · 15/09/2024 13:04

What if he is being completely faithful? And would be devastated that you'd cheated?

It sounds like you assume he is having affairs but don't know this. I think your situation will cause someone hurt in the long run - to me it would be better to speak to your husband and agree to have affairs but never discuss them, if that's what you both want.

Why people have affairs? Mostly for excitement or because they think the grass is greener. A lot of men have affairs with younger women. My opinion (from my life and the media) is that Their wives age, put on weight, don't look as perfect following childbirth and nag them to pull their weight around the house so they stray. Women stray more to replace their 'bad' husband with a better one!

OrangeTeabags · 15/09/2024 13:10

The problem with affairs when kids are involved is that the person indulging in the affair is playing fast & loose with their children's happiness & security for their own benefit.

If you genuinely suspect your husband is doing the same thing, OP, discuss it with him and come to an arrangement rather than taking the risk of blowing your family and your kids' lives apart for your own sexual satisfaction.

Ethylred · 15/09/2024 13:22

Lust and opportunity. Allegedly. I mean, I wouldn't know first-hand.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 15/09/2024 13:28

I also wonder why the level of hatred at affairs is so high when far more people do it than perhaps you might think.

Because people have experienced being cheated on or have a relative or clise friend who has. Because it's a horrible thing to do, and they've seen first- or second-hand the hurt it causes. Because unless there are very, very major mitigating circumstances, you are a bad person for doing it.

As for what makes people do it... Because they are selfish, self-indulgent or weak or attention-seeking. They may also have been set a poor example of relationships by those around them when they were growing up. I find it pretty contemptible and pathetic when grown adults allow their lives and behaviour to be driven by their sex-drive or their need for sexual attention tbh. It's just so tawdry and immature.

ShinyPebble32 · 15/09/2024 13:30

You’ll get lots of rage on this post unfortunately, but sometimes affairs have their place - I think an arrangement like yours can work very well. Sounds rather French and elegant!
I don’t want to leave my marriage but have thought about having an affair for reasons of not feeling valued and respected by my partner, and craving excitement and affection. I didn’t do it ultimately, as my partner hasn’t been unfaithful to me and it would be a betrayal of him. If I knew for a fact he had been, it would be different - I would have ‘one in the bank’ so to speak.
Every marriage is different, if this is working for you then just enjoy it!

SilverGlitterBaubles · 15/09/2024 13:38

I'm kind of wondering what the point of being married is in the OPs relationship, essentially you are just housemates with children and shared financial commitments. You say are ok with your DH having affairs but you don't want to know, so really you are just burying your head in the sand. There is a high risk that one of these affairs could become something more serious and then you will have to deal with it. How can you share a life with this level of dishonesty?

Secondstart1001 · 15/09/2024 13:42

How do you know he’s having affairs? That’s the part o would be interested in as you are assuming he is without disclosing any facts on here. So far the justification for your affairs is that he’s having affairs …