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Original poster

What makes people have affairs?

283 replies

Janellemoaner · 15/09/2024 11:39

I am married, and have had several affairs. I’m pretty sure my DH is the same. Neither of us have ever spoken about it to the other. I read recently that 20% of married people have been unfaithful. I know of many others similar to me (obviously I’ve slept with several, but there are others from work who I know are carrying on with others).

Some people are viscerally angry when people mention affairs. The vitriol on here is a sight to behold, for example. But I wonder what drives others to have affairs. For me, at the basic level I like sex and it’s more fun with someone new-ish, exciting and without the baggage that comes with a proper relationship. Is it like that for everyone? Maybe part of it’s a power thing as well, reassurance that I can still do it.

I also wonder why the level of hatred at affairs is so high when far more people do it than perhaps you might think. Is it any worse than being perpetually rude or nasty to a partner, or having a drink problem?

FWIW my DH and I get along great. Neither of us ask nor tell about affairs. I think it helps an imperfect marriage rather than hinders it. Would I prefer us to be able to have a wonderfully happy life of fidelity? Of course. But since we can’t, is what we do really so terrible?

OP posts:
Fireandflames · 15/09/2024 11:42

It’s because of how much it hurts and damages people and their families. Not every one wants a cheating scumbag to destroy a family or relationship due to their selfishness. I personally hate people who do it.

Parker231 · 15/09/2024 11:42

Why stay married if you’re cheating on your husband - makes a mockery of your marriage.

TwistedWonder · 15/09/2024 11:45

If you and you DH want to shag around why not just open up your marriage rather than sneak about behind each others backs?

BermudaBlues · 15/09/2024 11:48

Well so far you have chosen to cheat so it has been within your control- when somebody cheats on you, when they promised not to and you have relied on that promise the betrayal is beyond devastating.

Original poster
Janellemoaner · 15/09/2024 11:48

Parker231 · 15/09/2024 11:42

Why stay married if you’re cheating on your husband - makes a mockery of your marriage.

Because marriage is more than that. We get along great, share a house (and attendant financial commitments) kids, experiences, never argue, never scream at each other, have fun together.

OP posts:
Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 15/09/2024 11:49

If you have children and you decide to have an affair knowing your partner will want out of the marriage if they find out, then you are basically making a decision that will rip the world apart of an innocent person, leave them suffer financially and emotionally and potentially cause trust issues for life. People know this is the risk and decide to put their sexual urges above their childrens welfare. So yeah, anyone parent who has an affair is a shit selfish parent IMO.

Original poster
Janellemoaner · 15/09/2024 11:49

TwistedWonder · 15/09/2024 11:45

If you and you DH want to shag around why not just open up your marriage rather than sneak about behind each others backs?

Because I don’t want to think or hear about it. What he does when I’m not around is his business. Same with me and my business. Some things are better left unsaid.

OP posts:
OrangeTeabags · 15/09/2024 11:50

Janellemoaner · 15/09/2024 11:39

I am married, and have had several affairs. I’m pretty sure my DH is the same. Neither of us have ever spoken about it to the other. I read recently that 20% of married people have been unfaithful. I know of many others similar to me (obviously I’ve slept with several, but there are others from work who I know are carrying on with others).

Some people are viscerally angry when people mention affairs. The vitriol on here is a sight to behold, for example. But I wonder what drives others to have affairs. For me, at the basic level I like sex and it’s more fun with someone new-ish, exciting and without the baggage that comes with a proper relationship. Is it like that for everyone? Maybe part of it’s a power thing as well, reassurance that I can still do it.

I also wonder why the level of hatred at affairs is so high when far more people do it than perhaps you might think. Is it any worse than being perpetually rude or nasty to a partner, or having a drink problem?

FWIW my DH and I get along great. Neither of us ask nor tell about affairs. I think it helps an imperfect marriage rather than hinders it. Would I prefer us to be able to have a wonderfully happy life of fidelity? Of course. But since we can’t, is what we do really so terrible?

Is this post actually real or has it been created to enable a good old MN argument about affairs? 🙄

If you and your DH are fine with what you're doing then crack on. Why come here to ask people's opinions of what you're doing (when you know it's going to provoke some)?

SonicTheHodgeheg · 15/09/2024 11:50

My ex’s affair came with lots of lies during (about his whereabouts etc) and afterwards (it’s my fault that he apparently had an affair) which is the bit that annoys me the most rather than the actual sex. Plus he happily flushed his relationship with his kids down the toilet and went from super involved to knowing very little about them. Our kids are young adult so able to see him whenever they want and they’ve always had their own devices where they could be in contact with their dad privately from me.

I don’t understand why you and your h don’t label your relationship as poly or open as it sounds like you both like your status quo?

thursdaymurderclub · 15/09/2024 11:51

i think people have affairs for a few reasons; being unhappy in the marriage has to be the biggest reason i guess, perhaps people feel stuck and have to have something lined up rather than face a single life. some people do it as payback.

why do YOU have affairs? thats the real question and why are you happy remaining in a marriage where you admit to having affairs, and are fairly sure your DH is doing the same? are you making do with DH, but having affairs until you find something better? and is he doing the same?

why not make the whole thing formal.. go full open relationship and then see how it does.

OrangeTeabags · 15/09/2024 11:53

Ps I hope you both regularly get checked for STIs
(And that you don't have kids)

nicknot · 15/09/2024 11:55

'What makes people have affairs?'

Probably becsue they are disrespectful twats?

For me, at the basic level I like sex and it’s more fun with someone new-ish, exciting and without the baggage that comes with a proper relationship

Yep, disrespectful. If you like sex with new people stay bloody single.

HelpMePlease32 · 15/09/2024 11:55

I am not married but am in a LTR with a toddler together..

I am having an affair. No intimacy with my partner no matter how much I initiate however he is happy to receive oral etc but give nothing back. A few other.tbings that make me.umhally in the relationship but I do not have the means financially or emotionally to leave. L I was offered it on a plate from a close friend and I guess I was so excited and wanting to feel desired so I took it. It's now been going on for a few months. He is single. I do feel guilty and bad but I feel like I don't know want to stop even though I know I should. Not justifying it however these are the reasons that led me to do it.

rockingbird · 15/09/2024 11:56

According to my ExH it was just sex and he needed it as he was working overseas.. nice! He failed to disclose they actually lived together for well over a year and bought her lavish gifts and holidays whilst I struggled to raise our DC both diagnosed with autism under 5 alone and keep up the repayments on running the house! Marriage is a partnership and that includes being faithful. Why the fuck people think it's Ok to be so deceitful and throw a grenade in the family home is beyond me. Lifelong damage which ultimately affects the cheated partner far more than the one who cheated. Yes I'm bitter, I didn't deserve that - no one does. Rant over 😆

Parker231 · 15/09/2024 11:56

Janellemoaner · 15/09/2024 11:48

Because marriage is more than that. We get along great, share a house (and attendant financial commitments) kids, experiences, never argue, never scream at each other, have fun together.

Show quote history

Trust is a key component of a marriage - you obviously don’t have it.

Didimum · 15/09/2024 11:57

Surely you must realise that you have an unusual situation in that you have a ‘silent’ open marriage? (At least I hope for his sake that your DH assumes this too). Because this is absolutely not the norm, at all, and the majority of affairs are monumentally destructive, and most with children involved will effect the child emotional wellbeing forever. As it will effect the betrayed partner forever.

I have never cheated or been cheated on, so I have no personal bone to pick, but I think people who have affairs are more, often than not, abhorrent people who do it simply because they have very poor character and a very poor level of integrity.

HeySummerWhereAreYou · 15/09/2024 11:58
Hmm
Rafting2022 · 15/09/2024 11:59

I’d say opportunity is one of the main factors.

Elizo · 15/09/2024 12:00

It’s your choice. As a single person I can’t see the attraction of being with someone who is sleeping with others, or doing it myself. Trust and loyalty would be fundamental. It feels more like a friendship otherwise in which case I would rather be single with good friends. I always felt affairs happened because there was something lacking in the relationship.

Didimum · 15/09/2024 12:02

Janellemoaner · 15/09/2024 11:49

Because I don’t want to think or hear about it. What he does when I’m not around is his business. Same with me and my business. Some things are better left unsaid.

Show quote history

You don’t have to think about it or hear about it. But formally acknowledging it is the right thing to do.

Or, perhaps this is how you offload responsibility by telling yourself he is doing the same – maybe he’s not, and what then?

Doyoumind · 15/09/2024 12:02

Sooner or later it will backfire on you OP and then you may have a different view. If your DC were to find out, I don't think you would be feeling so blasé about it.

What if one of your DH's affairs turned into something he preferred to the current setup?

Mandymum1971 · 15/09/2024 12:05

In the case of my ex he had opportunity and was quite a charmer - until the women he was sleeping with realised what he was really like. Borderline sociopath. I’m sure he portrayed me to be a frigid uptight cleaning obsessed housewife, who just spent her days swanning around drinking coffee and spending money.

He had lots of affairs.

Truth is, if he’d been open about it I may have agreed to an open marriage because I wanted intimacy and love (and yes, I missed sex as I liked it - just not with him).

I wanted honesty from him but he just kept on denying it - even when our kids asked he if was having an affair.

If I was younger I’d have left him, but I wasn’t in a good position financially. Not anymore - when kids were old enough I told him to go.

Id urge you to talk to your husband and both be honest and upfront about what you’re doing.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/09/2024 12:06

20%
LOL
More like 20% manage to achieve monogamy.

Emily1583 · 15/09/2024 12:09

It all comes down to attention seeking and indiscipline I'd say.

Zoopymoopy · 15/09/2024 12:25

If it makes you happy and it’s not hurting your marriage, then keep at it! It’s your choice at the end of the day, your husband is probably also having affairs so works well.