What makes people have affairs?

[Janellemoaner]

I am married, and have had several affairs. I’m pretty sure my DH is the same. Neither of us have ever spoken about it to the other. I read recently that 20% of married people have been unfaithful. I know of many others similar to me (obviously I’ve slept with several, but there are others from work who I know are carrying on with others).

Some people are viscerally angry when people mention affairs. The vitriol on here is a sight to behold, for example. But I wonder what drives others to have affairs. For me, at the basic level I like sex and it’s more fun with someone new-ish, exciting and without the baggage that comes with a proper relationship. Is it like that for everyone? Maybe part of it’s a power thing as well, reassurance that I can still do it.

I also wonder why the level of hatred at affairs is so high when far more people do it than perhaps you might think. Is it any worse than being perpetually rude or nasty to a partner, or having a drink problem?

FWIW my DH and I get along great. Neither of us ask nor tell about affairs. I think it helps an imperfect marriage rather than hinders it. Would I prefer us to be able to have a wonderfully happy life of fidelity? Of course. But since we can’t, is what we do really so terrible?

I guess for you and your husband there's an unwritten, unspoken rule that you can both cheat as long as it doesn't directly seem noticeable to the other person. Or it could be you've been cheating and he hasn't, and if he found out his life would collapse?
I think the only reason why I've ever cheated was bc I wasn't in love with the person and didn't see the relationship as permanent.
I think some people do it because they always have, and always got away with it.
Some people are narcissistic and don't care about their partner's feelings.
Some people literally fall in love with multiple people and can't decide between them.
Maybe most of all, I would assume because something is missing in their relationship and they're not really happy with their partner.

IMHO
There are 3 type of affairs:

1. Exit Affairs - done because you're in an unhappy relationship and want to line up the next relationship before leaving.

1. Midlife Affairs - the thought of 'is this all there is / dissolution / stuck in a rut- this occur at a'certain' age, and doesn't always end the marriage.

1. The Serial Playboy - they will chase women, regardless and really shouldn't get married.

What a weird marriage.

The reality is affairs keep marriages together. I know of a lot of people who would have left or left sooner without the affair. Marriages are more than sex and if that's the only reason someone is cheating, they are likely to not see a reason to leave the marriage, nor want to.

Imho opinion I'm not sure you really know what you are talking about

But you aren’t having affairs, really. You both know and leave unsaid the fact that you both sleep around. That isn’t an affair, it’s a quasi open marriage. Those aren’t the rules that most people choose, or apply, in a marriage. Just because you aren’t spelling it out to each other doesn’t change that. You are sleeping with other people knowing that you aren’t applying different rules to him. You aren’t undertaking a betrayal that you know would rock his world. You aren’t choosing cruelty.

So this is a slightly disingenuous post. You’re coming across quite badly with all the wide-eyed oooh but I just don’t understand stuff.

And it still holds of course that affairs /non-monogamy is generally a bad idea because it tends to create conflicts of interest that can be devastating. Even when a married couple are ‘ok’ with it. There could very easily come a day when the partner of the person one of you sleeps with is very much not ok with it, and causes havoc which ends up affecting, for example, your own children. You can’t control others reactions or emotions. The rules of monogamy aren’t really about romance and loyalty, they’re about keeping homes, money and resources within boundaries that work for society. Put very broadly!

anyway, no judgement, but do stop with the faux surprise!

What is the point in this thread OP?

It reads to me that you are trivialising the effects affairs have on people. The effect on their lives when they discover the person they loved and trusted has betrayed them by their lies and deceit. That they are not the person they thought they were in a relationship with. That the person they love is nothing more than a selfish self centred being led by carnality.

Seems to me you are sneering at people who don't have your flippant attitude to marriage and marriage vows.

Why can't you have a "wonderfully happy life of fidelity"?

Pressed wrong button.

Yes it is terrible.

A sight to behold?

Bloody hell, you really do think a lot of yourself don't you?

If this thread is real, and/ or just a cheap and lazy way to research an article for a paper or magazine, then here’s my two penny’s worth.
”What’s so wrong?” is:
the dishonesty, the lying, the sneaking around behind each others’ backs, the risking each other’s sexual health, the risking your kids’ happiness and secure family life and the immorality of having made vows to each other that you both break secretly whenever you feel like it. It’s not consensual, you are both doing it secretly, so at some level even you know it’s wrong, or there would be no need to lie and deceive.
What happens to your children if he found out and wasn’t happy with it? If he and/ or you got a serious sexually transmitted disease and gave it to each other?
If he or you fell in love with one of your affair partners and just left?
It’s a seemingly casual attitude to a smorgasbord of lies and immorality, selfishly risking your children’s secure family life in a way that make a mockery of marriage in general and yours in particular. That’s what’s so wrong.

Do the people you had affairs with know you were married? Because you know it wrecks their lives too right?

You are so right op.

Honestly you sound just like my friend's friend who talks like this and unbenown to her her h is actually having an affair, or affairs. one long running one which involves them being emotional best friends and the rest are hidden sort of shorter affairs, which neither his wife or his ow know about. Honestly it could be you.

I'm sure if you found out you would be rational and easy going about it, there should be more women like this.

I personally couldn't bear sharing my h's heart, soul, body and finances with another but you sound really grown up.
Just be careful when you age, there being no loyalty between you, make sure your finances ar in order.

Can you imagine, being totally accepting of your h going down on someone and then coming home for tea !

Hats off to you op, the very thought for me makes me shudder but for you, you can visulize all the stuff your om does to your body and think that your h is doing the same to another lovely woman.
You are a superwoman.

No big deal.

Presumably for the unromantic benefits of marriage.
Raising their children.
Financial stability

Companionship...

I don’t think this is genuine. I think this is a journalist trying to gather material for an article on adultery.

What “makes” people have affairs? Nothing “makes” them. It’s a choice. A shit one. But still a choice. Usually stemming from selfishness, entitlement, lack self esteem, need for validation from others or lack of self worth.

Cos many affairs develop into second marriages which has a huge impact on everyone involved. If you are sneaking around you are not giving the other half the ability to plan and that person will likely get a nasty shock.

Presumably if the marriage is open then there will be drawn up boundaries.

Where are you Ment or be when
your sleeping around ?
where is your husband ment to be when you think he is sleeping around ?
How often do you both have sex together ?
If not often is this your doing or his ?
Who started the pattern ?

People that have affairs have no morals and also no respect for their partner. You would not hurt someone that much if you did

It's totally normal and I wouldn't be surprised if 80%+ of people would do it if they had a chance.

A marriage is far more than sex as the OP said so entirely understand the situation.

Some people are very short sighted - life is not black and white.

Crack on OP - if it works for you that's all that really matters.

Is it any worse than being perpetually rude or nasty to a partner, or having a drink problem?

I mean this is setting the bar pretty low, isn't it.

My DH has managed to avoid cheating and all the above too. Hopefully he thinks the same of me.

It's not totally normal. Why bother getting married and making vows if you can't stay faithful?

I don't think 80% of people would do it if they had a chance. I definitely would not and neither would DH. We have morals and love and respect each other

Well it appears having a boat does it, how I have no idea but a thread says so

I love my husband and that’s what makes our sex great. Being able to completely relax, in the knowledge that you are loved back. Knowing what pleasures the other the most, and being able to laugh.

I therefore have absolutely no interest in sex with other people, but enjoy sex with my husband daily.

We flirt, send each other naughty messages throughout the day and make a big effort for one another despite being together since 1995.

I just can’t imagine having that much fun with anyone else. I can’t imagine ‘newness’ being the driving turn on.

And I know that being a happy, affectionate couple, we are a great role model to our son. How would affairs affect our children?

DH and I have never cheated on one another. What would be the point. Perhaps if I didn’t love him or feel loved, or perhaps if we didn’t fancy each other anymore; or perhaps if the sex was stale or infrequent I would feel different?

It sounds like there is something important missing in your relationship to me, but if you and your DH are happy, then I guess it’s your business.

If it works for you and your marriage then great. You and your husband appear to have an understanding and it's working for you. It won't work for all marriages. Both sides need to be of same opinion regarding affairs. It's very rare that affairs are about sex only. Emotions get involved, cheating party start neglecting partner and family duties. List goes on.