What makes people have affairs?

[Janellemoaner]

I am married, and have had several affairs. I’m pretty sure my DH is the same. Neither of us have ever spoken about it to the other. I read recently that 20% of married people have been unfaithful. I know of many others similar to me (obviously I’ve slept with several, but there are others from work who I know are carrying on with others).

Some people are viscerally angry when people mention affairs. The vitriol on here is a sight to behold, for example. But I wonder what drives others to have affairs. For me, at the basic level I like sex and it’s more fun with someone new-ish, exciting and without the baggage that comes with a proper relationship. Is it like that for everyone? Maybe part of it’s a power thing as well, reassurance that I can still do it.

I also wonder why the level of hatred at affairs is so high when far more people do it than perhaps you might think. Is it any worse than being perpetually rude or nasty to a partner, or having a drink problem?

FWIW my DH and I get along great. Neither of us ask nor tell about affairs. I think it helps an imperfect marriage rather than hinders it. Would I prefer us to be able to have a wonderfully happy life of fidelity? Of course. But since we can’t, is what we do really so terrible?

I'm not making any relationship decisions for her. Her husband is doing that.

No. He doesn’t love her. He loves what he gets from her. He doesn’t want to split because he has a lot to lose.
She can stay in her marriage and make it work, yes. But after she has all the info on her hands to make an informed decision.
if you had this info on your hands, wouldn’t you have left your ex earlier? Wouldn’t you have gathered the courage to leave your marriage 2-3 years earlier? And gain time which is necessary for healing and building a new life?

If you hadn't made the decision to sleep with him, I'd agree that you weren't making decisions for her, that would only be on him and whoever else it was.

You know there's a wife. You chose to sleep with him anyway. You have chosen not to tell her. They are all your decisions and you are responsible for those and any consequences from them.

You could have chosen to say no and let his wife know she's married to a cheating scum bag. You didn't. You decided she didn't need to know that. You made that decision. He decided to cheat on her, he didn't decide you had to be a part of it and not tell her. That was all you.

Perhaps I'm being nieve but I don't see how her "Financial decisions, purchase decisions, life decisions, career decisions" are being impacted. Her marriage is continuing exactly as it should be. Nothing has changed in that respect.

As for abuse, manipulation, and gaslighting, I think those terms are thrown around far too loosely. Yes, he's lying to her by saying he's at work when he's not, but neither you nor I have any evidence that he's being manipulative or gaslighting.

If it wasn't me, it would have been somebody else. Her life would have been impacted regardless of who it was. Her husband has made this decision for her.

And then it would be the other person who was party to making decisions for her.

You justify it however you need to, to feel ok about yourself. But these decisions have been yours, so you are responsible for them.

I note from other posts that you were cheated on. And yet you feel ok being part of that for another woman, rather than giving her the information to decide what to do with her life for herself?

No, what is "kinder" is to stop screwing her husband behind her back.

Your contempt for his wife and your selfish attitude towards your affair are something to behold.

But, at the end of the day, if you think he won't leave her or ever confess, you are getting a pretty crap deal of just sex with someone who doesn't care about you enough to end his marriage of convenience. Which is pretty sad.

I hope someone else works out what's going on and tells his wife because it's her decision if she stays with a cheating bastard not yours or his.

I'm not denying that I'm being selfish in all of this.

As I've already said, this situation is convenient to me so I don't see it as a "crap deal", it's exactly what I signed up for.

@MadeForFun

I can’t believe I have to explain this but one small example. His wife gets an inheritance, she spends it on something HE wants because she believes HE is honest and her safe space. He isnt. if she knew that you’re were there in the background having your meaningless affair do you think this decision would be made? I could go on… and on. But it really isn’t that tricky to understand.

As for abusive yes I believe that removing another persons right to informed sexual consent is abusive, it’s an appalling thing to do. I also have NEVER known an affair not conducted without manipulation and gaslighting. NEVER. Every lie has to be carefully manipulated. Questions gaslit.

Honestly though you have heard all this before and it’s clear you only care about yourself. I have zero desire to engage with you anymore because I know that you are tone deaf on this subject and any argument just gets some nonsense back.

I just hope that some other posters are reading this and realise just how utterly ridiculous the thinking of affair partners is!

If you are posting the truth - sometimes I think posts are fake and just posted for kicks - then I think your attitude to his wife is pretty vile really.
Please tell me they don't also have kids??

That wouldn't be her thought process though would it? "I'm going to spend this money on X for my husband, because he's such a good husband and has never cheated on me". She would chose to spend money on her husband because she loves him and it would make him happy. And she does still love him, and he does still make her happy, regardless of what else he's got going on in his life.

I don't want to continue too much of a back and forth either because it's detracting from OPs thread, but like I've said, I've been both the affair partner and the one having the affair. I never manipulated or gaslit my ex.

They have grown up kids. They're empty nesters now.

Adults or not, they would still be devastated to discover their father is cheating on their mother.

He is playing a very dangerous game and you are treating them with contempt as well as his wife.

But you know all this of course and you don't care because you see it as his responsibility.

I do see it as his responsibility. He knows what's at stake if it all comes crashing down.

I always assume they are selfish and care more about their own fleeting enjoyment than about the hurt they would cause their partner if/when they were found out.

You clearly feel no remorse for your behaviour.
But men can only have affairs and treat their wives like shit because women like you are willing to facilitate it.
You know deep down that what you're doing is pretty low & basic but obviously you are going to front it out on here.

This would be ok if you only slept with single people. The fact you don't means your willingly risking destroying the peace, self esteem, security, nervous system and all sorts of things in an innocent person who does not consent.

Sleeping with someone married is an awful thing to do.
Yes it's the other person that's committed to their wife, therefore it's them doing the cheating but knowing someone was married and getting your thrills despite this fact is so, so unkind.

It happened to me fairly recently. The ripple effect is devastating and also affected my children hugely. I can't ever imagine I'll ever truly get over it.

For me as a survivor of abuse it felt very traumatising, sleeping with someone without me knowing they were sleeping with someone else felt so violating and none consensual to me, that in itself even without the emotional betrayal was awful and difficult to recover from.

I would be absolutely devastated if this came to light and impacted on his wife and family. That's why we're being very careful to make sure that doesn't happen. If I had no remorse, I wouldn't be trying to hide it from her.

I know what I'm doing is selfish, but at the end of the day he made that decision for himself the day he decided to pursue me.

Oh just stop it.
Stop pretending you have no agency or responsibility in this situation, it's pathetic.

Wake up and see that you are helping a man have his cake and eat it. He is playing you just as much as he is her.
Honestly, just listen to yourself and have some self respect.

It will all come out and you will devastate her & the family no matter how careful you are.

You really are very deluded and meanwhile that snake of a man you are with is loving every minute of it.
Truly pathetic.

A broken moral compass.

I'm not pretending I don't have any responsibility in this. I know I'm sleeping with a married man. I know its wrong.

But at the same time, he is the one who is married, he is the one betraying his wife, he is the one taking away her agency and choices. He made that decision for her.

If all of this comes to light, his life is the one that will be turned upside down. It won't have any impact on mine whatsoever.

He and I had known each other for 7 years prior to starting up this affair. We both went into this with our eyes wide open.

Absolutely no idea. If you’re not happy, separate.

It’s not French or elegant it’s just shagging around.

My partner is ill and it’s been difficult in that dept but there are more important things than a quick shag.

What a horrible attitude you have.

@OrangeTeabags So selfish. But then they usually are.